It’s late. I’m thinking of her, but the feelings are absent. Distant pools of purity shimmer and shake with each drop of remembrance.
There was a good bye party for my roommate, my best friend. He’s headed for the west coast, the best coast, and I can’t blame him. Shoot: a part of me wishes I had the opportunity to escape. But then I realize that you can’t run from yourself, and at the moment everything I could ever want is already within me. The only outlet I seek is experience, and that can be garnered and mined from the depths of where I am.
“So, what do you think? What’s this all about? Am I being too forward? Should I restrain my feelings? Either way doesn’t matter to me; I just want you to know how I feel.”
“Well, it’s moving a bit fast, that’s all.”
“What do you mean?”
“I dunno. I guess I mean that… well… I don’t know what I want really. There’s so much uncertainty in the future… you know?”
The boy sighed. He knew what she was saying, but he didn’t agree.
“I understand” he said. “I know you have a lot to figure out. You need to figure out what’s important to you, what is it this life has to offer, or doesn’t have to offer.”
“Exactly.” she said. But all along he knew she hadn’t the slightest idea what he meant. Silly girl, he thought. Her expectations, her rational approach will get her everywhere she wants, but no where she needs. Her heart is tucked away, in some fragile place, in some glass box, hard as diamond, translucent as air. Her beauty shines and the kaleidoscopic of passion that refracts into millions of captivating colors is spell binding, entrancing; yet untouchable and cold.
He continued “I want you to know that I love you, that whether or not I’m here or there, your happiness is vital to my own.” His pacific stare met with hers. Summer danced on her eyes.
“Should I go?” he said.
“Oh no!” she exclaimed. “You needn’t go anywhere! Stay with me,” she pleaded “I enjoy your company. You make me feel good.”
The boy thought quietly; his heart bled fiery desire. Am I simply a release? Is she simply lonely? Perhaps I am nothing but a comfort, nothing but a reminder that she’s capable of someone’s affection. He asked himself whether he minded these options, whether being an option was a role he was willing to accept, not out of desperation, but out of love. And these two aren’t very different.
“OK.” he finally responded. “I just feel like, maybe sometimes I should let you be alone…” He finally decided to open up his insides, to show his vulnerability. “The thing is, sometimes you intimidate me.”
“Intimidate you?!” She was taken aback. “What do you mean by that? How do I intimidate you?”
“I mean, your expectations are intimidating because I don’t live to fulfill anyone’s expectations but my own, and I’m afraid you may be disappointed when this reality becomes yours. You have a very particular way of seeing things, and I don’t, and sometimes that frightens me.”
“What on earth do you mean?” she asked.
“What attracts me to you are your expectations, for yourself, for others, but sometimes I feel the weight of those expectations. I mean, I feel a lot, I am not consistent. I am not easy. I am onery. I dwell in passion, in fervor and feeling. I am never the same, save my drive to feel more intensely, more exactly, more diliberately.”
She was confused and a discouraged look filled her eye. She felt distant. What was once a close friend, a comforting confidant soon became a stranger.
“I don’t understand what you mean” she finally responded.
“I mean, sometimes I want to be myself, and myself is many things, not just one thing. And I’m hesitant to believe you can be alright with my many facets, my unduly undulations and oscillations of the spirit.”
“I see.” she said quietly. “I think I know what you’re saying. We’re very different, and maybe its best if we didn’t see each other anymore?”
“No, no no” the boy said in frustration. “I just don’t know how to feel around you. I feel like you’re sensitive to feeling, yet I can’t read any of your feelings. You’re a delicate shimmer that I want to cup ever so gently, but I’m afraid I’ll stifle and put out the shine. But all I want in the world is to grow the flame.”
“Silly boy” the girl said. The life in her eyes returned. “I’m not good with feelings. But I know they’re there.”
“I’m commited to you.” he said. “I decided that I love you. That even if you can’t appreciate what that means, that it doesn’t detract from the matter that I made a decision to love you, to preserve your happiness as if it is necessary to my own. Whether or not you’ll have me makes no difference, but I love you.”
With that the boy turn and ran. Tears streamed down his face as his feet pounded the pavement. The summer air was thick and left him exhausted, but his heart continued shaking. He needed to run, run run far away. He was terrified that he had said too much, that he left himself too exposed. Never mind, he thought to himself. There must never be caution in love. She’s just a lost and confused little girl