Whoaman two

Over the past few years I’ve learned an awful lot about women. And everything I’ve learned is useless. I feel as if I knew more when I was younger and naive and innocent. My mind couldn’t comprehend the alternative of love, which is loss and distance and separation.

I’m pretty sure relationships fail because people don’t need each other. Yes. Need. I believe at a certain level love is needing someone. It’s not pathetic or sorry, it’s the most potent desire we can produce.

Good luck finding a fulfilling relationship when you don’t need the other person. What the hell is a relationship if we’re not depending on them? Simply convenience? What’s keepin’ them together? Especially when it gets inconvenient?

I would say most women I meet are damaged, but that would imply there’s something inherently wrong with them. And perhaps there is, as I tend to think that many women have been burnt or hurt in the past, and they’ve realized that they don’t want to experience this pain again. But the real damage is done by our  culture which encourages men and women to be strong, to not depend on anyone for anything. People today are taught to be completely self-reliant, monetarily, physically, and even emotionally. They’re little islands. And like little islands, they’re almost unreachable. It takes an act of god for a woman to invite you in for more than a night, onto their island, to bring you into their inner chambers to stay. Most women let you in when it’s convenient for them. When it isn’t, you can forget about getting any emotion outta them. They’ve fortified their vulnerabilities, like impermeable castles with mighty moats, or crabby crustaceans secluded in their little shells.

Most people are damaged, especially the sensitive ones. It sucks. They think they’re being strong by not feeling, by not desiring, by not wanting. I say that’s weak. It takes strength to make yourself vulnerable. And in the event you’re wounded, it takes even more strength to lift yourself up, and even more to do it all over again.

And why on earth would someone want to make themselves vulnerable? Because that is where fulfillment resides. It sucks not knowing the answer, but that’s why we ask the question. It doesn’t make you stupid. Why do you walk into the unknown? To make it known! Why do we put ourselves through struggle and pain to attain a goal? Because the rewards make it worthwhile!

Get out of your comfort zone. Hurt a little. Be bold. Make yourself a little vulnerable. Risk rejection. Every time I do, not only do I feel more alive in the end, I am better for it.

So if I get hurt, so what? It sucks. I cope. I’m better for it. And I feel more alive. I may not get what I want in the end, but at least I know that what’s important to me.

I’m basically writing this to vent.

The abridged story goes something like this…

Boy meets girl. They like each other. Immensely. They’re a lot different. But this is exciting and challenging for the boy.  All is well, and happiness permeates. Months pass. Girl is graduating and moving hours away. Wants to break up. Boy is confused, but doesn’t fight it, although he wants to with everything in his heart. Accepts that this girl really wasn’t that invested, and that he wants someone who believes in, and is committed to, the power of love, and she doesn’t. One year later. Boy still finds himself thinking about girl. Calls her when she wanders into his thoughts and dreams. They begin talking more frequently. Girl suggests seeing each-other. Boy is surprised, but delighted. When they meet again. Boy is enamored all over again. They make it a point to see each other as often as possible. One weekend they planned to see each other, but girl gets sick and goes to the hospital. Boy wants to see girl, but is overwhelmed by what to do. Drive five hours to see girl? Will she want to see him?  Asks girl if she’d like him to visit her. Girl says it doesn’t matter, do what you want. Boy wants to see her, but feels unwanted and burdensome. Boy thinks about her all weekend. Next week girl is distant with every conversation. Boy asks if everything is fine, girl says everything is great. Days go by, boy notices girls flat affect. Tries sympathizing with girl, acknowledging that distance is tough. Girl agrees, and asks what to do about it. Suggests they go separate ways. Boy is floored and speechless. Doesn’t know what else to do but agree.  Boys heart is ripped out. Girl goes to China for two weeks. Boy loses phone for a month. Boy tries reaching out to girl via messages. Girl is barely responsive. Boy gets phone, contacts girl. Girl is busy. Boy wrestles with what to do. Gets girl on the phone, explains that he can’t just let her go. Girl says sorry, she has no more feelings for him. Boy is hurt, but expected such a response. Girl doesn’t need anyone. Life is fine without boy. Doesn’t need him in her life. Boy believes if he really loves her, he needs to fight for her, not simply let her slip away. Girl is stolid and unaffected by boys sincere apologies and pleas. She needs no one but her friends and her job. She convinces boy that there’s no use trying to resuscitate her feelings, cause they’re completely gone.  Boy is disappointed by her unemotional response, but his decision to love her despite her lack of feelings endures. Asks girl why. Girl says boy blew it. Shoulda went to see her in the hospital. Shouldn’t have agreed with her decision to break it off.  Boy suspected that was why, but believes those are sad reasons.

Two people trying to be independent is bound to fail, and any relationship that does exist is mere convenience. Love is inconvenient.  Eventually boy recognizes his attempts to get some kind of feeling out of the girl is futile. Is okay loving her, and is okay with her rejection. Acknowledges her response not as a lack of feeling, but a lack of commitment.

Now, I have to believe that this girl, like most girls, is pretty damaged. What on earth would cause someone to go from feeling so intensely and passionately to feeling nothing at all? When I do something like that, it’s usually a protective response. What kicked off her emotional vapidity? I apparently hurt this girl. But she didn’t feel it necessary to communicate her hurt with me. As a man, I’m suppose to read minds. I forgot. I suppose I was treating her like a friend, rather than a lover.

Anyway. She said she will never need someone. I thought to myself, wow. That sounds like me. Is that how I sound? And I suddenly became disappointed with myself. What is a relationship if there is no dependence?

I don’t need a job, or need a hobby, or need a friend, or need to do well in school. I choose a goal, and if I am to accomplish that goal, then those are reliable steps for achievement. Your success is predicated upon a commitment to certain goals. If you’re goal is to be in a relationship, you need to be committed to it. Commitment is necessary for success, to see it through till completion.

If you have two perfectly independent people, why the hell should they continue being together? What is causing them to stay together? Nothing!

So what is needed for two independent people to remain together in the face of adversity? Committment! That is the common bond that links their stubborn souls together.

I think I like the independent ones. The needy ones drive me away, but there’s a proper balance. Shit. Relationships are give and take.

Anyway. Half of me wants to pursue her. The other half of me is glad no more time is wasted. What kind of girl gives up that easily? For someone being so committed to academic and professional goals, there’s certainly not much room left for committing to a relationship, to another person.

“I’m young, I’ve got a lot of exploring to do, life to live; and I don’t know what I want, I’m just figuring it out as I go along,” She says. Okay, I think to myself. Perhaps now isn’t the right time. Perhaps I’m just not right for you. But I want her to ask herself, when is it going to be the right time? Who is going to be right for you? Perhaps you know when it’s going to be the right time, but honestly, I think that only works when you know what you’re looking for, and it doesn’t appear she does.

I think she’ll be lonely for a long while. I believe until she realizes vulnerability is apart of love and relationships, she’ll continue floating along, pursuing her goals, alone. Or perhaps she’ll come to her senses with her next relationship, and perhaps they will flourish together. If the problem was with me, I can see that happening. But if the problem was with her, she’s gonna need to take care of that before she makes any progress.

Sure, friends are nice. A career is nice. But at the end of the night, you can’t share your deepest vulnerabilities with your career. And your friends are going to be there, until they have their boyfriends and their families. Then you’re just that man or woman in their mid thirties with a decent career, nice savings, live with a few pets in a single condo, drinking wine and watching sappy romance movies about the love she was too scared to accept.

So my attitude this whole time has been two fold. On one hand, I was treating this relationship as something real and genuine. I allowed myself to become emotionally invested sheerly because I’ve grown tired of being scared and timid in the name of love and relationships. I’ve been emotionally absent in nearly all my relationships. Why did I change my attitude? Well, I just decided that I can always look for greener pasteurs, always look for the girl who won’t hurt me, but I realized there are no greener pastures cause I’m the one sowing those fields, and anyone I care about will by definition cause me to be vulnerable.

And I guess on the other hand, I’ve been looking at this relationship as something loaded with uncertainty. I was aware this girl was capable of shutting off and shutting down without any reasonable or justifiable reason. So that kept me guarded. And quite frankly, we weren’t completely utterly compatible. That shouldn’t matter, but I recognized that I’ve been with many girls that were easier to get a long with. Additionally, I considered the fact that she wasn’t the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with. Are there more attractive girls out there? You bet. Plenty. She wasn’t breathtaking. And frankly, she wasn’t terribly stimulating. She was smart and sharp, but not exactly the most interesting person in the world. She lived a very sheltered life by most standards. She was the kind of girl that colored in the lines, that played by the rules, that preferred to play it safe and be secure. I wouldn’t say she was a risk taker. Vanilla is the word. (Can you tell I’m hurt?)

So why did I like this girl? Well, I was attracted to her. For whatever reason, the chemistry undeniably surged when I was with her. Maybe her rigid, calculated demeanor provided a pleasant contrast to the tumultuous realities I entertained day in and day out? I liked her reliability, her predictability. It was comforting. And honestly, there was something pure and innocent to her little world. I cherished moments with her, all moments. She was joy incarnated.

To be honest, I would look into her eyes, and I would see nothing but love. My heart stopped each time I probed those dark circular depths. I miss her eyes. Her body. Her smile. Her laugh. Her conversation. Damn it all.

Anyway. I think she basically gave up, again. The first time around she clearly gave up. Now it’s clearer than ever. What am I suppose to do? Do I chase? Do I pursue? Do I remain persistent? God knows I want to. What’s stopping me? I suppose I envision myself as one of those pathetic ex-boyfriends that girls talk about, the ones they’re disgusted with, simply over. They talk to others about them like they’re a parasitic sore that just won’t go away. Now, who the hell knows how these girls really feel. They probably love the attention. But these girls milk it, and the poor sap ends up groveling, loses self-respect, and fails to get what he wants in the end.

Do I just move on? Do I find other fish in the sea? Finding girlfriends have never been a tremendous obstacle of mine. I pretty much decide when I want a girlfriend and decide to do what it takes to make them mine. I could take the approach by many males and simple view women as nothing more than sex objects to be manipulated for gratification. There’s plenty of opportunities to pick up girls and bang out hot sensual sex. I admit, this is fun and exciting. But it’s not enduring. And I never feel any better for it; at the end of the day I have no one to care for, to grow with, who’s there when it matters.

So I don’t want to continue cycling through girls. I want to find someone to commit to, a relationship to foster,  like a fire that requires stoking, that requires gentle care to keep the flame alive, to keep you warm, with passion that licks you with pleasure and pain.

So, man. I’m a little upset with this girl. She gave up. So sad. I thought she was a fighter. But I forgot she likes predictability, a sure thing. and in her little world, the only thing she’s sure about is herself. Apparently I’ve failed to meet her needs in that area. Risk? ha. She prefers tried and true, slow and steady. I should have suspected I would run into problems.

But where did I go wrong? Well, in hindsight, I didn’t. My guarded approach appears justifiable by every measure. But then again, when I ask myself what I really want, it certainly isn’t to be “hurt free”. What I really want is a committed companion to love and enjoy life with, that inspires me to grow and think and feel more.  So that’s why I decided to come to my senses and reinitiate contact with this girl, cause I actually do love her. It’s not rational, so don’t ask me why her, or what hers her worth it, or what she has that other girls don’t have, because my answers would be sincere, but utterly cliche. Why does a mother love her child? The little parasitic beast distorted her body, wrecked havoc on her hormones and psychology, then leaches off her for another dozen and a half years. Why love a child? Well, you could say it’s a physiological reaction. But I would say that all that pain makes the love for that child all the more meaningful and worthwhile.

And I believe all relationships function the same way. And anything of value.

So, where does that leave me?

Perhaps this girl never valued me, let alone loved me. What’s my response to that? I suppose I’d rather that be the case then finding out she loved me, yet kept herself from doing anything about it. It’s certainly possible that she simply stopped liking me. Is that so bad? I mean, if we accept ourselves as autonomous creatures, we’re allowed to feel however and whenever and whatever we want, even if other people don’t like it. So, I’m okay with it. How could I be upset with her?

And so…

Life goes on.

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