Eye to Blind Eye

I sometimes feel like we just won’t ever see eye to eye… And like… I’ll just have to suck it up and take the hurt. And my reaction is that I don’t want that. Cause I just want us to both respect each other. And like just like, when one of us asks not to do something, we just do whatever we can not to do it. And I know we struggle with different things. And sometimes it’s hard to believe that your struggles hurt me the way my struggles hurt you. 

You are not responsible for my actions. If you hurt me, I have zero excuse for reacting and doing something to hurt you. Should I tell you when I hurt? I think we have a responsibility to communicate our hurt to eachother so we don’t continue doing it.

Some things just don’t make any sense to me. Some of your behaviors. And i just question how I’m ever going to figure out how we’re going to work through these things. It’s been very hard to get over the past. I love you anyway. But I have these fears that you don’t see things the same way I see them. And so we’ll never reach an agreement. Like, I don’t know what you think of this weekend. To me, I felt like we established some ground rules to protect eachother. Things we’d do to make sure the other person had peace of mind and we could trust eachother. Things like eliminate pictures and not talk to ex’s. We discussed being able to look through each others phone at any time with the peace of mind that everything is okay. We agreed and promised that neither one of us want to be lied to, and we talked a lot about how we should be upfront when we mess up. We agreed that we would cut off al communication with ex’s. Or anyone we were involved with. Or at least tell eachother if we would talk to them ahead of time.

But like. It’s hard for me to understand why our conversations didn’t mean the same to you as them meant for me. I just think I did all these things. I was proud of my commitment to you and the respect I was showing to you. I told you so many times how important it was to eliminate temptation by deleting numbers and pictures. 

So when I find that none of this was upheld on your end, it’s like, why? Why did I do all that? She says she loves me. She knew I’d be hurt. She didn’t take some time to delete pics and emails and numbers. She reached out to ex’s. She still talks with guys that upset me. I’m like, does she not respect me? Does she think that little of me? Does she realize that we talked about how much those things meant to me? Is she trying to hurt me because I hurt her?

And then there are things like that just keep appearing as double standards. I mess up. I ask for safety net. Then there’s no safety net for me. Sometimes I’m not ready to talk, and you’d like to. And then you get upset for not saying it immediately. And then it gets reversed. You say you’re not ready to talk, and when I apply the same logic and trying to discuss it, you say I’m being selfish and only thinking of my feelings. And you say if I lied and talked to an ex/ cheated you’d kill me. And then you do it to me and I vocalize how upset I am, and you say I am overreacting. I just don’t know what the heck I’m suppose to do.

I ask myself if I’m not seeing the big picture.

I ask myself, when she lies to me about big things and little things, what else is she lying about? 

Sometimes I feel like we see things perfectly. We agree. And then. The behaviors don’t match.

I asked why you decided to talk to him, after everything, and why you lied about it. You said you didn’t trust me, or trust that you were good enough for me, and so you were reaching out. I asked if you could trust you and you said no.

I’m beginning to believe that nothing I will do will prevent you from doing what you want. No agreement. No promise. 

So on one hand, I have the option of just loving you, and taking it. Never expressing how hurt I get when you lie or never call you out when I find out you were talking to other guys. And I just let you do these things. And the hope would be that you see my love and stop doing them. Or don’t do them at all. But my fear is that you’ll just keep it up and do it more, and I would feel disrespected and unloved, and I’d have to know that the person I love is okay lying to me, and okay reaching out to others for comfort, and accept that I will never be enough for her.

Or I could just refuse to live like that. And just walk away. Refuse to be treated with no dignity or respect. Refuse to be unhappy all the time cause I can’t figure out if she’s telling the truth or lying to me, and living in paranoia. 

I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. I want all your vulnerabilities. Believe it or not, I am very vulnerable with you. More vulnerable than I’ve ever been with anyone. I tell you when I hurt. I tell you my fears. My insecurities. You have access to these things, and no one else. So it’s like… Extra painful when you know them, and do things to hurt anyway.

I ask myself how I could possible love you better. Listen better. Care more. What could I do? I’m willing to do it. 

I wonder if the things you say I do to hurt you I can ever change?

It’s like. What does progress look like? 

Things take time to change. We all have struggles. Each relationship is unique. 

I don’t think these struggles are logical at all. I don’t think reason will fix anything. They’re all emotional. And that’s like scary. It means I have no control. There are no guarantees.

Listening to each other is important. I agree. 

I hope we can find some common ground. It’s just defeating sometimes. It’s like, I didn’t sign up for this. I love Devyn so much, but does that mean I have to worry or hurt? Does that mean I have to be okay with not trusting her? 

We spoke about what we thought was the ideal relationship: communication, closeness, commitment. Respect and kindness. 

I am trying to understand the things you struggle with. I recognize you may have a hard time being honest because of shame, because of acknowledging you did something wrong. I realize this may not ever go away, or if it does, may take a long time. Or maybe not. I don’t know! 

I recognize you are very sensitive to the fear of abandonment, moreso that I can relate to, and maybe on a level I find irrational. And it may cause you do reach out to people even tho it would hurt me because you are on some level trying to protect yourself, or give yourself a safety or backup or something to comfort yourself with when I’m not doing it. 

These things scare me to death. I’m trying to figure out what I can do to improve this. To make you feel more secure. To guarantee you never feel shame with me, no matter what. 

I also realize there probably nothing I can do, and those are issues you have to work out yourself, and it may take a long time. And that need to keep faith that my loyalty and devotion will be enough. And accept the risk that maybe it’ll always be there, and I’ll always have to live with lies and some infidelity. I wonder if I should be okay with that. I wonder if I should love you anyway, despite my happiness. I wonder if that’s fair to me. I wonder if you think of my feelings that way. 

I do love you so much. These are just my thoughts. I will work on myself. All we can do is talk things out and all I can do is hope. I don’t know what the future holds. I just want to be happy. And I want you to be happy. I would love to have a relationship where we are honest and trusting and we can communicate and be vulnerable and we respect each others feelings all the time, and when we mess up we accept responsibility and not blame eachother for why we act one way or another, and move on.

I just hope we can be as happy and healthy as I’ve always believed we can be. And that we both can learn to put each other before our own needs. And take care of eachother. 

I just want us to love each other.