Complex

I am a complex person. But when I love, I love deeply, with my whole being. I recognize my complexity is overwhelming  for most people. I recognize my need to find someone equally complex, someone who understands the depths of thought and feeling circulating endlessly beneath the exterior, who possesses a self-awareness that inspires the way I seek to inspire. Complexity and depth can be muddy and frightening, but it can also be endlessly colorful and vivacious.

I cannot settle for the mundane and mediocre. It is easy to, to assuage the feeling of loneliness, to pacify the craving for companionship. But in the end, these are never fulfilling nor satisfying relationships. You learn from them, however, and I appreciate the time shared. But I need to be loyal to discovering the people that captivate my being and enrapt my imagination with their bold beauty of mind and fierce feeling of heart.

What is a complex person?

I use this word… but it is vague, and has these dark connotations, of baggage, of uncertainty, of unresolved endings. Perhaps it does mean these things, but I believe it means so much more.

When I think of complexity, I think of intricate depth, I think of a unique universe existing under the surface, fathomless forests of feeling and logic, dense memories of varied experience.

What also comes to mind are difficult people. Trying to figure out what makes them tick, they operate on the defensive, with walls that need climbing to establish a real rapport that isn’t met with suspicion. These complex people, who are difficult to get along with, often have unresolved damage that makes them distant. The complexity appears when trying to navigate their amorphous boundaries, sometimes forgiving, sometimes unforgiving. This isn’t fun, or comforting, although, I must confess, these people are challenges, and require effort and work that is compelling, that captivates the attention. I see these people in need of healing, and the distance they create is only an attempt to shield themselves from trauma and hurt, to veil the vulnerability that burned them in the past. I get it. But these people cannot be healed by anyone but themselves. And any effort to try and do so will be met with immense disappointment.

The complexity I posses may include this, but I like to believe a self-awareness has shown me the utmost importance of vulnerability, of exposing weakness in an effort to communicate an approachable and humble humanity.

I need a complex partner, someone who feels deeply. What is it to feel deep? Deep feelings are intense, are all encompassing, are generated by the efflorescent realization that death and frailty is forever looming behind the guise of appearances, that impermanence is the only permanence, the only constant, and that nothing is certain, that power is transitory, that status may steal away at any moment, that the only certainty in this world lies within the mind, not what is occupying our eyes, those windows of the soul, but deep in the recesses of the coy conscious, the accumulation of thought and sensations forever filling the latent mental matter between the ears.

Someone who appreciates that there are infinite possibilities and paradigms to explore, infinite moods and methods to press our gaze against the world.

Imagination. Books. Art. Philosophy. Culture. Science. People and their perspective. Knowledge is not the aim. Understanding, wisdom, imagination: these are the bell tolls of creation. Let us transcend the mundane, the worldly images impressed upon us at every turn, the conventional values that dictate our ends, and pervert the possession of a personal self.

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