These sparkling images reveal themselves when I press my gaze upon the world, reflecting into my consciousness with beauty and depth and color, waxing and waning facets of longing just under the surface.

I am jobless. My best friend, my “partner”, my buddy, Scotty, walked into the studio while I was at work, and simply said “It’s just not working out.” I said what isn’t. This, he said, indicating me and the company. I asked him to elaborate… and he looked around the room and shrugged his shoulders and said something about being miserable last year, about money, about things that amounted to nothing. Then he said he was sorry. I said, no. Sorry for what?

Yea… sorry for what? For firing your best friend with no reason whatsoever, after he left everything to come to California to build a business with you, and you haven’t the decency to tell him why?

But I know why. It’s personal. He’s a lazy piece of shit, never worked a day in his life, and I was tired of having things “fall through the cracks”. He treated the business like a hobby. Taking off whenever. Wanting everyone else to do the work for him. Chronically disorganized. Chronically losing track of things, details, bills, etc. A mess. His life is a mess. He’s supported by his parents. He’s never had a real job. His parents are funding this business.

So, thank you. Thank you Scott, for freeing me from this joke of a life I’ve been living, with you as my… boss? Which is a joke. He avoids everything and anything uncomfortable. Struggles with anxiety because why? Because nothing. Because privilege. Because he’s never really had to work hard to earn anything.

Maybe in some small way Scott is everything I resent and hate within myself.

Regardless. I’m jobless.

I have about $17,500 in savings, which isn’t going to last long. I had $60k, but lost it in a series of very bad investment decisions. Very bad. But. I learned. Don’t touch money once it’s invested. You cannot outsmart the market. Let it be.

So I still have a room in Palo Alto I’m renting for about $500 a month. It has all my things.

Scott hasn’t spoken to me since that conversation. Typical.

I just purchased a cappuccino and a chocolate croissant that cost me about $11. What the hell is wrong with this world.

I’ve been living with G. We’ve had some hard times, but overall we’re good. I got sick this week. I applied to as many jobs as possible. Actually, that’s a lie. I applied to about 40 and then I got tired of applying. I need to apply again.

I want to rewrite my cover letter to be something more in your face.

Hello Hiring Manager,

This is my 100th cover letter. I want to tell you about myself. I don’t want to write another generic cover letter, formatted and punctuated with boring perfection. I want to show you who I am. Well, who am I? I’m a restless savant. I grew up moving across the country every few years. I attended boarding, private and public schools, small and large. I dropped out of high school before getting my diploma. I attended a small liberal arts university and a large private university. My personality has me always working and thinking about something, whether its my job, my hobbies, or my intellectual pursuits. I’m always reading and writing and trying to problem solve. I’m a creative person in pretty non-creative fields. This has been historically challenging for my personality. I need novelty, I need stimulation, I need challenge. Sales has been great to a certain extent, but I need to be surrounded by a culture of inspiring people. This is what I’ve determined matters the most.

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