Expungo

I’m at Hanahouse, an open seating pay by the hour to work space, reading and doing some reflection. I am looking forward to start work again.

Gabriela and I agreed to break it off, and be friends. I care for her, and love her? But it’s not working. Perhaps its me? In my mind, she’s just overly emotion, demanding, neurotic. I know all she wants it love, affection, and attention. The problem is that she expects it all the time, and when she doesn’t get it when she wants it, she has a melt down. If the expectation was off the table, I’m liable to provide her more love and attention, but I’ve also determined I’m not great with attention to begin with, and this is a hallmark complaint of many of my relationships. Yes, I love the companionship and affection, but the majority of my waking life I spend thinking, lost in thought, reading, preoccupied with god knows what, whether its health and fitness, so some grand scheme, or just intense work. I don’t have the libido to deliver on demand. Not to mention, I’ve ceased all exogenous testosterone supplementation at the start of the year, so my libido has returned to normal, or maybe subnormal.

Throughout my life, the stimulation of sex wasn’t as exciting as other things, perhaps the chase itself. Intellectual stimulation is the paramount fixation for me. As a result, most relationships were friendships, and the attention I provided my partners was probably less than they desired, and so they would often feel unloved. I can’t say I didn’t care or didn’t love my past girlfriends, because I definitely did, but my lack of affection is probably a symptom of the loss of novelty and stimulation, which ultimately transforms the relationship into a platonic companionship. I think women just need babies to fulfill that need. I don’t know how men can possibly do it without being “whipped”, or totally controlled.

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