Cry Seas

I’m in a perpetual existential crisis. Not sure if that’s my default, or what. Existential crisis in the sense that, wherever I’m at, I recognize that my choices and daily decisions and goals could place me somewhere else, and the choices seem arbitrary in the scheme of things, but there are these idealized states that seem so attractive, so I’m constantly reevaluating my priorities and choices in the hope that my next set of decisions will lead me to these ideals, but of course even when the ideals are realized, they seem as smoke and mirrors, as if there was nothing there to begin with, so it really causes me to reflect on my judgment, and motivations, and approach.

Happiness and satisfaction are these elusive states.

I’m probably chronically depressed. But that’s okay. I can be happy. I can smile. But on an existential level, I’m not okay. I don’t like where I live (where I live in absolutely fine. It’s a great place prima facie). My job with the company is great, in the sense that the team is great, the company is treats me well, my manager is understanding and kind and realistic, and I make more money.

But I’m in debt. I could be debt free in 2.5 years if I just funneled 40% of my paycheck to it every month. Which is doable. Wouldn’t be a big sacrifice. But, it’s just like this purgatory. What is life. Paying off perpetual debt? I have been saving money for assets… maybe a cheap piece of land in Idaho or Montana, and a build it yourself cabin. Somewhere I can escape to, if I decide to disconnect.

I have not worked out more than a week at a time in 6 months. I am 6 months drug free, and hormone free. I am out of shape. Getting fat. Or at least more fat than I’ve been ever. I’m okay with it. It’s almost something I’m aiming for. Which is a weird feeling. I like want to feel the weight of disappointment and disgust. I do feel a growing urgency to reestablish a workout routine. It’s on the horizon, the maniacal urge to move and be active and fit again is materializing.

I visited my best buddy and my place in Nashville a few times the past few months. I go on weekend trips. Just a couple days. It’s nice to be there and see him and his wife and his life. He’s doing great. I miss him.

G and I are still together. We’ve had ups and downs, but we worked them out. We’re in a good place, I think. Minus the fact that I’m in an existential crisis and that influences the fate of the relationship. But we have a stable relationship. She’s stabilized. She trusts me. She’s still needy from time to time, but that’s girls. She loves me and she’s there for me and it’s nice having each other. I don’t know what the future holds. She’s a good person. A loving person. And a hard worker. These are all good things.

So yea. I don’t know. There’s a big void in my life. I’ve tried not filling it with vices or fixations or obsessions, but rather allow myself to be.

I’ve been reading voraciously. Maybe 1-2 books a week. It’s been nice. It’s definitely become a nice habit. It fills my time, and my mind, with good things.

I’ve been studying for the GMAT inconsistently. I just want something to work for. I’ll study for two weeks then not for two weeks. It’s been off and on, but overall the urge for An MBA is sticking with me. Wish I could get on a hardcore schedule.

I’ve been detaching from social media, and it’s been mostly great. I deleted a lot of my apps. I try to just not pick up my phone. I still read a fuck ton of hacker news articles, but on the whole it’s less stupid bullshit.

Just living. Thinking. Waiting for an opportunity to see things differently, to engage with the world differently, with my self differently.

I need something. Feeling mostly alone and disconnected. Would love to get excited about something. Inspired. Energized. Something with a purpose that pulls me, that lifts my spirits.

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