Reform

I’m undergoing a reformation, of sorts. Of values, ideals. Time, money.

I have a stable job, which pays well. I have about $170,000 in debt, ranging from auto to student to credit cards to backed taxes. About $5,800 of my monthly expenses just covers my fixed expenses and minimum payments. I have about $1,700 for food and gas and whatever else. This doesn’t include semi-annual and annual bonuses that I’m expected to receive, depending on my sales objective achievement.

I started working out again, which has been painful. Willpower is essential, and physical activity develops it, and this will power translates into other intentions in your life.

I had things on my mind that I wanted to write about, but now I’m tired, and those thoughts are difficult to articulate.

I’m not doing much from here on out. I want to simply live within my means, or well under my means. Hibernate, so to speak. Budget and track every meticulous detail of my life, finances, to calories, to books and my professional career and sales numbers. Track is all. Meticulous notes and accounting. Where is my time and energy and focus going?

Social media and all other contrivances that distract, that offer the illusion of utility, but only siphon on valuable attention, have slowly been purged from my life. I still struggle with the occasional Hacker News, and less frequently Reddit, and even Twitter, that cesspool of mindless drivel.

I want to separate myself from society and live for myself, in solemn solitude, monkish and pure. And there are lots of past times I’d like to develop.

When I was a child, I would sit at home, in my room, for hours each day, and read. Or draw. Or play my guitar. Teach myself these things. Write. You name it.  I just sat down and became occupied. And when I met other children my age who had TV or video games, I realized I had these gifts, which were nothing more than a result of my efforts to cure boredom by taking up an interest and having no distractions. I’d be holed up in my room for hours and days and weeks. Sometimes by my own volition, but other times because I was grounded. I didn’t seem to mind though. I had my books. I had my paper to draw. I’d almost relish in my ability to fully embrace being grounded, almost to spite my parents. Like, you can’t hold me anywhere against my will, if that’s exactly where I want to be.

And I suppose I’m trying this out in my life today. I have few friends, which is nothing unusual. Growing up, I always had a ton of friends, or no friends, as a result of moving dozens of times.

I just need to identify a worthwhile hobby. I want to build or create or engineer something.

I bought a Raspberry pi, but I need a few things to get it up and running, specifically a monitor, mouse, keyboard, and any peripherals depending on the application I want to create. I’ve been thinking. I want to learn programming, and engineering a project might be an excellent way to get my feet wet.

What is happiness? What is life? Why does it matter? When will it matter? Will I wake up one day and suddenly its over? Or are these few years simply a fleeting season?

More soon.