I’m at the Seattle airport waiting for a two hour delayed flight to san francisco, thinking about my life, reflecting about my youth, recollecting my naive youth, thinking of my vitality, of my exploits, of my pained yet grand visions that blossomed daily, the vicissitudes defining the melancholy that shaped my daily life.
I haven’t changed much.
I’m still the same old kid. Just, more soiled, less naive, more.. jaded. But not. Because that’s a cliche. I’m not jaded. I’m not even realistic. I’m just defeated. Because the burden never stopped, and I feel used. Like I used myself. Like I tried wringing every conceivable feeling from myself in an effort to know what I’m made of, and all that got me was emptiness, just feeling empty, and used, and wrung out.
I feel like most people don’t like me. I don’t know how to shake this. It’s more of a reflect that I don’t like myself
I try at my job. I actually like my job. But I still struggle working with other people. I have an attitude that aims to please, but also could care less, that expects a lot from people, and tries not to ask too much in fear of being disappointed, which is probably off putting, and make me seem like a distant, disinterested peer.
I’m at the airport, typing on my 15” macbook pro. I’m eating nachos and drinking wheat beer, which tastes like a pilsner. It’s light, not too heavy, and overall very drinkable.
I’ve been obsessing over this “blood density” sensor. I was told by many people that someone who can make an affordable blood density sensor is poised to make multimillions. It requires determining the level of RBC, WBC/buffy coat, and plasma from a test tube.