Yea. G is not happy about it
Even tho she wanted to break up
She really wanted for me to object and fight for us. I just don’t have the energy anymore. Hoping one day things will work out and I’ll be able to convince myself that I knew what was doing all along
49% of me wants to work it out
51% of me doesn’t care enough
I don’t like hurting her
And i don’t love the idea of being alone
But i also have a verrrry strong intuition that I’m putting off the inevitable
So it’s like, do I “settle”, and avoid it, only to undermine happiness and satisfaction, just because I don’t want to deal with the discomfort and pain?
Yea. Who knows. We really don’t know. I don’t know. We don’t know what we’re doing
But I don’t have much to say
I just stare
I don’t want to argue
I love her and care for her and if things were different, this would be different
But they’re not
So I’m sorry
By comforting her I’ll just be lying to myself and her
So I just resist saying anything, other than we both agree it’s not working. I know you love me and I know you want to work it out, but that all depends on me being different, which I really can’t be. I’m me. And I know you think I’m consciously not being who you want me to be, but the reality is, this is me. And you don’t like it, and it’s frustrating, and it hurts you, and you know I’m not intentionally trying to hurt you, you know I love you. You just think I’m selfish, and not willing to put in the work. But I do… but i also just… am worn down. I feel like I am not myself
And I want to reclaim that
So this is apart of that
But it’s possible we become what the other person is looking for, or our expectations change
Because I’m aware that I’m more more attracted to the idea of her than her. And they are such different realities.
I mean this realization hits me when I become aware that this is not the kind of interactions I wish to have with people…
Like, why are we arguing? I don’t want to argue. I don’t want this conflict. I just want understanding. Can we give that to each other?
Why are certain issues so persistent and recurring? Why can’t they just be resolved.
Like, I definitely don’t share that attitude.
I definitely don’t share that perspective.
That’s definitely not how I see things.
So like. What the heck am I doing this with you?
Okay, it builds character. Patience. Empathy.
Fast forward 3 years. Nope. Not feeling like a better person. Quite the contrary. Kinda feel the same, or like I’ve just been making compromises this whole time, which makes me feel like I’m settling.
It’s like love and passion and romancy, interrupted by jolts of erratic discomfort.
I don’t want to live in some fairytale, only to be electrified awake by some very real conflict.
The conflict is we are not compatible.
We can’t wish that away.
I am me, you are you.
So I can’t keep clinging to some unreality, some dream that is how it “could be” and just temporarily suspend the real conflicts that interfere with the life goals that are embedded into my character, which I really can’t change, because that’s who I am or who I want to be, or at the very least, who I need to be to survive. To get by. To cope. To flourish within the circumstances that are my life
I often wonder how I’ll feel different when she’s not around, if the discomfort will remain, and just materialize by some other cause I project it onto.
Or if it will intensify, because I’m alone, and don’t have this partner, and then I realize that these feelings are my own doing, and running from them only amplifies their power
Or if the discomfort will diminish, and fade…. and as I center myself, and expand responsibility for choosing my happiness, by choosing my influences and activities and relationships, the stress dissipates and the peace of being returns…. and I find myself free, open, optimistic, empowered…. and energized with an attitude to seize life, knowing the only person in my way is me.
And i wonder if the latter, if this will only make me more selfish and independent, and more incapable of cultivating a healthy compatible selfless relationship
Or if it will lead to the happiness most healthy relationship of my life. The relationship is taxing. On these weird levels that require emotional and cognitive resources to cope with, which I’m looking forward will return.
It’s a big reason I’d like to end things. To free up this tax. This weird burden I feel like I have to contend with to maintain the relationship. The feeling that I’m responsible for her happiness, her states of being.