Drop Out

If I went to college outta high school I wouldn’t have lasted more than a semester. I couldn’t even graduate high school.

College was only an option when I decided that was exactly what I wanted.

Knowing that I wanted to go for me changed the game. I studied because I wanted to, not because I had to. I didn’t really party. Only the last year or so. I had no desire when I was in college.

I got that shit outta my system in high school and the years I was being a couch surfing high school drop out bum. Got fucked up just about every day from 18-20. Every drug. Just partied all the time.

It was great until I sobered up and realized i had nothing to show for myself.

Every day I woke up hung over and looking for a way to cure the hang over. Like a non-specific addict. Just trying to feel better. But drugs and alcohol always wear off and the sobriety always revealed the painful reality that I had nothing, had no one, and was going no where.

Everyone I partied with and got high with moved on. Or was in the same position. Homeless or living at home working a dead end job or couch surfing.

I had a girlfriend who was like, you’re a loser. Basically like, what future could you possibly provide that I’d want?

And I was like. You got a point. I have nothing. I know how to have a good time? People love partying with me?

But when you grow up you realize no one parties. And you’re the only guy partying, by yourself.

But if I didn’t reach that conclusion by myself and decide that i was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would have prolonged the situation.

I feel fortunate that I dropped out/didn’t graduate from high school.

It prevented me from even considering college.

When I decided that college was exactly what I wanted, it didn’t feel like work. Just felt like that’s what I was suppose to do.

I think figuring out exactly what you don’t want is in some ways more important than figuring out what you want.

Cause it raises the bar for what is minimally acceptable for life, but doesn’t force you to choose.

I don’t think we have to figure it out. I don’t think it’s possible.