attraction

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.
Herman Melville
(1819-1891)

so i watched this movie “the Secret”
its about the laws of attrraction and how you can get whatever you want outta life if you understand this law. if its money. if its fame. if its women. if its violence. if its to be creative. if its a house. WHATEVER YOU WANT. just by controlling and understanding the importance of controlling your everythought. obviously its a bit deeper than that. so. im gonna learn more about it and i recommend HIGHLY you watch the movie. it WILL blow you away.

HAHaaaaaa

check this.

my friend came down from college and he was boasting about his rediculous drinking habits cuz he’s greek and all. frat crap. so im like oh yea you think you can drink lets go at it. well by the end of the night we bought two cases of beer and wandered out to a bar buying more and more shots. if you do the math we had about 15 beers and 4 shots of grand marnier a piece. all in a matter of a couple hours. needless to say i found him naked, in a pool of vomit, on my couch in the morning. and the vomit definately extended to every corner of the room. in places you couldnt even imagine. ya. the rents were pissed. and i ended up cleaning it up. gotta love the kid.

Amended:
In addition to passing out, the girl he tried picking up came back to my pool. We went skinny dipping, which is about the time his vomiting began to occur. We all head inside. I take this girl and jump in the shower. Flood the bathroom. Go back to my room and make love all night. My dad wakes up at 6am to read the bible, and steps in a puddle. Thinking it was my dogs piss, he goes up stairs and lets my mom have it. She insists the dog is in the kennel. He goes down and inspects again, following the vomit to the couch. When we makes it there, he peers over and finds my friends pretty much naked body caked in vomit. Vomit was in every corner of the room. He goes up to my room to let me have it and, don’t you know, finds me in bed with a naked girl. Needless to say, he wasn’t too happy.

fight

i joined a training facility so i started doin muay thai and jiu-jitsu. ive always wanted to do some kinda martial arts… and while this isnt so traditional its probably better. a bunch of guys just training, beating the shit outta bags, sparring, pounding eachother. its pretty good shit. im slowly learning all that tech jiu-jitsu stuff. similar to wrestling except instead of pinning your opponent you rip is arm off in some submission. im looking forward to getting good. and the muay thai is just a matter of me practicing all those knees and high kicks and combos. its allll good stuff. im loving it. not to mention its a phenomenal workout. anyway.

girl

where are you girl? shes out there. thinking “where are you boy?” hm.the time in between feels so unecessary. i need her to get my attention. to capture my senses. to join my on my journey. if i must wait.. ill be patient. id rather be lonely than with someone whos intended for someone else.

leaders

its been said that leaders are often lonely people.

they are ahead of the pack. constantly finding new alternatives to better living, while continually renewing their outlook on life. they dont depend on anyone elses ideas but create thier own. they dont get caught up in the crowd. they dont settle for mediocrity. they are bold and certain. they dont surround themselves with a secure group of friends. they’re constantly looking for new people to meet and befriend. they’re connections are as deep as they are wide.

redo

the people im surrounding myself with arent getting me where i need to go. they are pretty much doin nothing but getting fucked up; i dont wanna get fucked up. having a good time is good only when your priorities are in order. im not gonna be a loser getting fucked up my whole life OR put myself around those people. so im overhauling. gently. and ill be there when they need me but i cannot keep myself occupied with them. there are other things i can do that would better suit my exerted energies. psh. im a lil aggrivated right now. and i dont need/ want to be.

sigh

right now.. and i mean at this moment…i dont wanna know anyone. i wanna live in a hole and think and do what i want. and read. forever. and honestly drink coffee in a tree. or maybe on some moss surrounded by ferns. and continue reading into the day until i find myself in a flowery grassy meadow where the rivers gurgling is heard not too far off. and i can read and smoke a pipe. and drink tea. and sit under a great tree thats wide and full with life. and ill sit under it in the middle of a field. and maybe that girl will be waiting there. and we’ll sit there and read and reflect and have intelligent conversations. and not worry about time or anything like that. ill have a pocket watch(only for looks) and she’ll be wearing a white dress and ill only be wearing jeans. and ill have long blonde hair and she’ll have long flowing blonde hair. and there will be a path i follow home thats been trodden with barefeet all summer long. i want to be able to breath deep and with every last breath, savor the aroma of life all around me. the nectar and the blossuming flowers and the lush green leaves. i really want to get lost in a book. and nevermind the little bugs that fall onto the pages, but shoo them along and smile. i want to climb trees and pick apples and look at the beautifully pristine blue sky dotted with white cotton clouds and the suns soft rays. i want to look up at lively weathered trees as tall as sky scapers and run through the forest. i want to go home to a cozy cottage with all the necessities and none of the excessities;). i want to have a little wood stove and a little wood table with little wood stools and a little wood desk tucked away in the corner by the window. i want a library and a bedroom lined with decor from my adventures. there will be no wants or needs. i will provide for myself and her. and there will be no distractions. no image. no drama. no lies. no wants. no evil. nothing unecessary or distracting from living a simple and fulfilling life of happiness and the persuit of knowledge and wisdom. i want a pretty little woman with no selfish desires left because ive taken care of all her needs. because i love her. and she’ll love me.

and when i gather all the wisdom a man can carry ill go out into the world and share it with everyone. and everyone will listen because im wise and ill know how to appeal to the longings of their deepest desires.and they will know everything i say to be true because it will be the sweetest thing they’ve every heard. and ill share with them my secrets and many men will find true meaning and they will share this meaning as i have done. and slowly the world will become a better place.

until then. i need to focus on developing myself despite my circumstances so one day this might happen.

🙂

love

if i ever experience love in my life, i consider myself a success. im not so sure there are people who’ve ever had the priviledge of giving as much thought and consideration as they would for themselves, to someone else. eh. im a complete hypocrit when it comes to the subject matter of love. i feel thats its as easily attainable as it is unattainable and i feel that in my current state of mind {however inebriated that may be} i could search a lifetime and come up emptyhanded. Is there something inside of me i havet found thats preventing me from finding love or have i just overlooked one too many girls who’ve caught my eye.

thoughts

ha. i was reflecting today. i read alot. i worked alot. im drained.

anyway… so i was thinking of the innocence i experienced as a child. i remember going to wedding events as a lil boy all decked out in his little overalls and a little polo. i had brilliantly white hair that was carefully parted to one side. anyway i remember everyone would feverishly kiss me and hug me and all the family members would just show me endless amounts of affection (italians obviously). i, by the way, wanted nothing more than to left alone and thought of as a tough guy. i wanted nothing to do with being kissed as a boy. so i struck up deals and began charging people per kiss. ha. thinking back on that i laughed to myself. i was no more than lets say 5. i mustve collected well over a hundred big ones during every event surrounding those years. i was a lil business man.

quote of the day:
“The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance. It is the illusion of knowledge.”
aka. no one knows it all. dont think you know it all. youll never grow.

life is good

life is good. im reading alot. like always when i read i feel enlightened. im currently motivated. my heart still hurts from self inflicted wounds. i dont know why im so afraid of being hurt. im constantljy trying to protect myself. ive been making great leaps and bounds in my emotional journey as well as my psychological and mental journies. it sucks to be unsure of yourself. i resolve to make it a point to be sure of myself, my commitments and feelings and everything else i have control of. im really upset at myself for the mistakes ive made in teh past. i have a really hard time forgiving myself. and in turn it sorta makes it impossible to forgive other people. and i really wish i could be friends with this one girl in particular but ive pushed her away pretty good. itd be a miracle if she was ever receptive to me again. and the thought of that hurts. cause damn. i still love her and always will. in any case im developing as a person rather greatly. im not disappointed in myself whatsoever. i dont wish to be any other way rigth now. ive never been so open and ambitous to dreams and success. time is the only thing i struggle with. i want transformation over night and it doesnt happen that way. i just need to be consistent and continually work on myself to become the best person this world will ever encounter, despite past present and furture obstacles. love.

confidaunt

well. however incredibly financially unstable i see myself at the moment, im consciously alright with it. i seem to have found a ray of positivity thats created enlightened outlook for me. hm. so ive got a good attitiude. i feel confident in my abilities and somewhat driven. i feel this way when i take action. my god. ACTION. it gets me off. being PRO active. holllyyyy. thats the stuff i live for. anything thats gonna progress me in any manner, may it be mental and even physical. i just need to be consistent with these optimistic spurts of joy and clarity. hm. i dunno. right now its all good. dont worry. dont hate. dont fear. and dont procrastinate. as long as i subconsciously avoid these things i will succeed to the highest level.

and ive been thinking about god lately. excuse me. God. that dude. that energy. that entity. God is a lifestyle. its a spiritual lifestyle. im convinced that materialistic and tangible pleasures are going to leave me feeling, and probably everyone else thats ever tried to find attainable happiness in those things, completely unstatisfied and even drive me crazy chasing them. i think the only real satisfaction can be found in a spiritual world. and i think if you are spiritually healthy that maybe, just maybe, the physical world we swim in will get a little more pleasant. i say that a little sarcastically almost because i believe itll get alot better if youre spiritually in tune. anyway.

alot more than that but its all good for now. i miss relationships. some people just like disappearing and running off and im not in a position to chase, more or less, after them.they know im here.

psh.

im bored with life

and when this happens one of two things can be guaranteed. i subconsiously begin sabotaging the very fragile life of routine and structure ive methodically created for myself with some distant delusion that destroying it will bring forth some kind of new life to me. but it doesnt and usually i get depressed and painstakingly start all over. OR. I become extremely proactive/ creative/ ambitious/ passionate/ driven etc., so that i can bring myself one step closer to the unattainable goal of self satisfaction by mastering some new kick i find myself running after. but you know what. however unattainable- i like to think of myself as a better person in the end.

that being said. im constantly trying to make myself happy and its fuckin useless. ugh. or im just a pyscho bipolar maniac whos just writing this cause he’s not doing anything with his time at the moment and that makes him ultra uncomfortable because he knows there are things out there that should be conquered and owned.

and all girls are completely the same… except one. and i havent met her.

rich. real fuckin rich.

anger.

im sorta frustrated with myself. i wanna think myself out of it. or convince myself out of it but it seems like i dont want to or im not fed up enough with with current situation that i wanna do anything about it. god i dont trust people and its a fuckin problem. i shouldnt give a shit and just live in my own little world but i do too much. i wanna getr really angry and rash. start violently rampaging. but im not. friends are shitty. i have this one friend whos my bro… and ive always looked out for him.. and he looks out for me back. but he’s got me really pissed right now. he cheated on this girl whos really sweet. and its who he cheated on her with thats shitty. i cant even get into it really. whatever. i dont care. ill leave it be. i dont want drama. um. im pissed at my motivation levels. at my ambition levels. at my processing levels. i am really just aggrivated with myself and the lack of initiative and enthusiasm. i need to get on it.

holla

im bad at reading girls. i really dont know what the hell they want unless they go outright and say it. and im sorry if i dont read between the lines. they act like im paying attention to every detail they throw in there… when in reality im in my own happy little world. anyway.

drunk

i love women. but they are crazy. i am drunk. and i love love. and i hate when they dont reciprocate. i have work in like 4 hours. shitty as hell. i love girls. um surf. alot. cause it puts coarse hair on your bosoum.if thats how its spelled. and i was at my hangout place tonight. i broke up around.. uim… 5 seperate fights. no joke. i was getting swung at and spit on. just for trying to make peace. whatever. loser dudes like fighhting unecessary drunk fights. psh. my homies were there. hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

laugh

laugh

fuck you. you dont know shit. you think you know shit. your absolutely void of all character and anything moral. you contradict yourself and your intentions. you disgrace your own body and you lacerate your mind with unecessary trash. you whore yourself out to the masses and hide behind a hideous good soul. bitterness and resent follow your everyfootstep. burn in your simple ideology. bathe in your pride. you disgust me with your pompous attitude and thoughtless quips. where are you going? where will you end? think about that. think about where your going. because no one else important does.

job my sucks.

i dont enjoy work. im not myself there. too much pressure. too much headache. i feel like alot of the management and some of the people i work with are a joke. dont get me wrong there i do enjoy some people there, and i find everyone interesting but its not my scene. i dunno. i need the money, even tho the moneys not really there right now. F it. ive just been under pressure with bills and money and really self conscious and full of anaxiety lately. i get this shit every once and awhile. nothin too prolonged but enough where i get uncomfortable and have to write about it to acknowledge it and move on. anywho. agh. im talking to this girl. shes crazy. i dont care about her alot, and thats only because i make myself not give a shit about her. deep inside i probably care too much but dealing with it is too much trouble when you have the option not to care. i am starting a new approach that incorporates caring. and seeing past her flaws, which are bountiful. eh. dunno if itll work but im tired of sitting around with no one. boo.

toga

i went to a toga party. it was pretty rad.

so enough partying yadda yadda. im going to be a personal trainer. personally training people to get in amazing shape. its on. im getting my cetification. itll be on. that’ll get me through school and be a source of income i can always rely on. so thats cool.

and lifting in going good. i weigh close to 190. which is awesome. cheers.

part-e

i partied way too much this week. its catching up to me and for some reason im still crawling and it hurts.ive gotta make myself totally sober for a week. i had outta control experiences this past week. and for everyone who was there to share them with me you know what im talkin about. its wearing on my health and commitments this partying is. i dont like it one bit. im struggling to find motivation to go to the gym. i was doinng sooo good too. damnnnnnnnn. alright. reevaluate mike. stick it out. just get in there. eat right motherfucker. stop drinking beer like its a staple food product of survival. and you’d think like i was starving the way i ferociously pound beer after beer. ewwwww. it makes my stomache quesy. ive had that quesy stomache feeling all week. ive been horny as shit lately. im not gonna hide it anymore. ive been coming to certain relizations about being modest. usually im modest with my intentions. but im gonna start throwing it out there and snag a few. i need to quench that sexual desire. summer is almost done. its like… almost done. everyone leaving and sheeet. i hate it. all my peeps are dispersing once again. *tear* im sure ill make it through all right. whatev. good times this summer. especially the past month. shits been goin off like crazyyyyyyyy. holla.

charlie.

um. my heart is my own. ive officially got smart enough to keep it close and protect myself. eh. im not gonna humor you with enough attention where your satisfied, ladies.

ive got a big heart. some girl will be covered in a everlasting love one day. unconditional. not judgemental. just love. she’ll be real lucky. ive got alot of that to offer. but not to everyone. which is why. no i dont fuck you. if i did that id be spreading my love thin. it would be meaningless. and that one girl i loved, well id be selling her short. i got drunk tonight. still am. i had an awesome time. there are alot of prospectable girls out there. er still havent found her. but it means theres hope.

cant wait to go to college.

i never give up. if i gave up i would resort to being braindead and resume the all too often state of one dimesia. im pretty deep and i think that scares people. or people are just dumb and arent ready for a serious conversation. maturity needs to take place before those people, more specifically women, realize this. get over insecurities damnit. stop being hard. putting up those walls. be open. and willing. and go for it. and i dont mean for me. i mean for every good guy out there that you have in the back of your mind but your afraid to open of for some stupid reason. cause youve been hurt. well get over the past and help yourself out. if you feel an urge and an attraction, be rael and act upon to see if its genuine. if you dont youll have to live with regret.

sexual impulse. that shit is hard to control.

friends are wierd. as i get older i feel as if friends grow more and more distant. things seperate us. the only people close to me are the people who make the effot to stay close. it doesnt matter how much we click, its how much we need the other person. i love my friends. even the ones who dont need me so much. and for the people that i dont need so much… i love you guys too.

gender

I think too much. Thinking is what gets me into trouble. Its where i confuse myself. i think its all the drugs ive done. Ive littered my mind with so much drugs.. and useless thinking that its hard to stay focused on the things that have any importance. its do-able, but difficult nonetheless. I want to be a whore. but i have too much respect for myself. or i wanna protect myself from any skanky whores. and my little heart. and at timesi dont give a shit. and i compromise myself slutting myself out to a girl who i think will do it for me. but im over that. i have to live with the regret. i wish the regret would go away. time time.

look

are you happy? did you champion all you set out to accomplish in the microcosmic world you set up for yourself in your head? do you have enough? are you popular enough? did you party hard enough? smoke enough? drink enough? do enough lines? pop enough pills? reach the point of ecstasy you thought youd need to complete your life? did you kiss enough? fuck enough? did you get all the sex that you thought would make you happy? all the attention? are you efficient enough? do you work enough? enough to gather all the worldly materialistic possessions you thought would bring you to the pinnacle of happiness? are you crazy enough? original enough? are you cooool enough? do you have everyone youve ever met praising your coolness? are you knowledgeable enough? do you read enough? is your vocabulary large enough? impressive enough? is your IQ enough to get you where you need to go? want to go? are reasonable enough? you are you smart enough? smart enough to come up with wit and quips that you thought everyone adored in a person? are you funny enough? do people think your deep enough? enough to sooth their troubled heart and heavy head? or explore the subconscious depths of thier mind when they talk to you? are you easygoing enough to bring anyone and everyone to ease? is your profile designed and structured… enough? do you have enough friends? internet buddies? do you look good enough? is your hair cool enough? your smile? eyes? ears? nose? chin? body? arms? legs? gut? are you gentically enough? do you impress enough? are you good enough?

have you ever had enough? only to realize its never enough?

enough adj 1Sufficient to meet a need or satisfy a desire; adequate

what the fuck is everyone looking for? why the fuck is EVERYONE SEARCHING? FOR WHAT? WHat is everyone searching for? WHY? why do people give up? cause maybe your looking in all the wrong places.um…i do it.

LISTEN TO ME IF YOU READ THIS

If you keep doing what your doing YOULL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOUR GETTING

does that make sense? um. how about be real. with yourself and others. and give up searching in temporary things. things that are subject to change. search for truth and goodness. they never change.

aand that was my mind.

and i feel bad for way too many people. and at times sadly enough… myself. cause i know better.

GOD.

i dunno.

lines

I opened my eyes. I looked down. i chopped my legs off today. i started biting my nails and worked my way done to my elbow. i grinded my teeth until they chipped and cracked. i bit my tongue and started choking on the blood as it clotted in my throat. i held my breath until i passed out on my face, breaking my nose, my jaw. i woke in a puddle of blood and vomit where i began choking. my face turned purple and my lips blue. i was stark and pale.bodily excretions and excrements covered me. I turned over to lay on my back and gasped for air. i pulled out a cigarette and held it between my cracked bloody lips. i lit it and inhaled. Fire. Burning. Pain. Shooting down my throat where it burned my lungs like brimstone. my gums, now even more agitated, began spewing all the more blood. It seeped slowly into my throat. i violently convulsed in a coughing fit. it rained blood. i put my hand into my pocket and pulled out a fist of razors. i began cutting my forhead. etching. deep. blood ran into my eyes.

i opened my eyes wider. im ok. i grasped the toilet seat with one hand and using the last bit of fleeting energy and strength, lifted myself and sat up. i slammed my head backwards in frustration. My skull cracked against the tile. electric pain overcame the numbness and my world was black. i could hear dripping. i was soaked. in blood. the last bit of life i retained was running into the toilet, already filled with shit and piss.

you think you have it bad.

i tried opening my eyes. my world was black. i was delusional. with index and forefinger i plunged into my eyesocket securing a firm grip on my eye. i pulled hard, against everything that told me not to. i heard a tear and a pop. and i pulled harder. with ease like unraveling a sweater i continued to pull until every vein and artery were disconnected. i felt warmth run down my face, my chin. down my body.

This is hell.

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