Category: Uncategorized

(150 characters or less; spaces included)

In addition to any work experience that you listed on your application, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.

Last summer I worked as an independent contractor with The Southwestern Company doing door-to-door sales of educational materials to families. Because I worked 13 hrs/day, 6 days/week, I had little free time other than the few hours I spent managing my business obligations and reading. On Sundays the sales team met together for six hours to discuss progress and exchange ideas. Occasionally we would indulge in fun at a local beach or water park to recharge our spirits.

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Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself.

I was a profoundly curious child. My father matched this zeal with equal curiosity. He routinely gave me the opportunity to learn something new because, it seemed, he had all the answers. But he never settled for quick responses. What was frustrating about our relationship was that he would not hand me an answer, but instead ask questions that caused me to explore my own understandings. I have adopted his habit of always asking questions and never settling for simple answers.

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New York City is an essential element of academic and cultural life at NYU. If you could engage in an activity or start a club or service organization at NYU, what would it be and how would you envision it impacting the larger community?

Peers single handedly have the greatest influence on our development. In a world of endless information and distractions, the right direction is sometimes not obvious. Establishing a peer mentor program will allow successful students serve as model of leadership, encourage positive habits and provide guidance to their peers. The impact of such a program would be far reaching, as those being mentored would be able to clarify their convictions and in turn, be able to act as peer mentors for others.

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You have been selected to sing in a talent show. What song would you choose? Why?

Ben Folds’ ‘The Ascent of Stan’ is an astonishing instrumental, lyrical and allegorical piece that guides the listener through the reflections of a man who has become the very thing he strove so hard to avoid. Once described as an idealist, hippy, revolutionary, he is now part of the society he ran from. This song has particular meaning because as I grow older I will grow wiser. Many insights will be gleaned that will refine my understanding, but I must never lose hold of my convictions.

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Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

Leading people to achieve a vision is what moves me. While cultural differences have divided people in the past, there is one unifying element that has brought the world together today: business. There has been no stronger factor for unifying the world. My desire to succeed and contribute to this globalized world has led to my interest in international business.

It can be argued that successful leaders have found a way to blend their career goals with their personal passions. Please describe a passion of yours and how Babson might play a part in helping you achieve your success.

I have a burning passion to seek excellence in all things. This keeps me intrinsically motivated and determined to accomplish my goals despite the many challenging external factors that arise. My willingness and openness to gain positive experiences allows me to learn and adapt quickly to new situations.
My resolve to become successful will never be undermined. While opportunities may come and go and people may pass me by, I will never stop pursuing my desire to succeed. My strong will and familiarity with overcoming tremendously discouraging situations in the past puts me at a unique advantage. I know where I’ve been and I know where I want to be. Nothing will prevent me from getting there. The people that work with me know that I put my best efforts and energies forth all the time.
Aside from how and why Babson College would serve me, I feel that I have a lot to offer the people around me. Sticking to my convictions and setting an example, I’ve made a commitment to being a leader in all things. A leader knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way. I’m passionate about knowing how to be successful, being successful, and most importantly, helping others achieve success. Knowing Babson College provides all the necessary tools and support to succeed, I’m confident that I’m able to bring all the motivation and discipline needed to effectively and efficiently use those tools and support to achieve success.
My career goals involve being a business owner of a management consulting company with an emphasis on providing startup companies with all the strategies they need to succeed. At Babson I will acquire a degree in entrepreneurship in order to acquire the broad range of skills and insights involved with building a business from the bottom up. This knowledge is not only crucial to the success of the companies I will be consulting but will be vital to the success of creating my own company.
By blending my desire to help others and my passion to succeed, Babson will be the place where I can incubate my potential. The competitive atmosphere of other like minded entrepreneurial individuals will drive me to develop myself and allow me to flesh out and clarify the vision for my future.

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If your educational journey has been nontraditional or if there has been a noticeable fluctuation in your academic performance, and you feel that the Admission Committee may benefit from knowing the circumstances, we encourage you to share this information if you have not already done so on the Common Application.

Before the age of eighteen I had moved twelve times and attended eleven schools in six different states from coast to coast. In high school I was in constant transition, moving from small schools of five hundred students to large schools of three thousand, from public schools to an all boys’ military boarding academy. As a result, I struggled to gain stability in my personal and academic life. My senior year my family moved to Florida where I began my third high school in Jupiter FL. The constant transition never allowed me to truly focus my passions, to excel in my academic potential, and to lay out a clear vision for my future. During senior year when many students were clear about their direction after high school, I was busy reestablishing my identity. Upon graduation I made the decision to take time to develop myself, gain independence, and really clarify what I wanted to spend my life pursuing.
After graduating I took on a job at The Cheesecake Factory working as a Server from the Summer 2005 to Spring 2006. In the Spring of 2006 I sought out a competitive opportunity to work at Admirals Cove, a platinum rated yacht & golf community country club. I worked at a number of their restaurants as a server until August of 2007 when I resigned to attend Landmark College.
While I was working I was busy discovering myself through reading and personal development. It was during this period I realized where my true passions lay: people and business. Specifically, leading and empowering people to transform visions into reality, whatever those visions may be. This revelation clarified the direction of my future and continues to act as a foundation for all my decisions.

I woke up not too hungry today. I haven’t drank my lemon mix for 14 hours. 4 days without food.

I’m gonna help a friend pick up a washing machine right now.

The fast is going well. Yesterday was the hardest day by far… and it wasn’t even that bad. My energy levels are a bit low… but overall consistent throughout the day. I fall into deep sleeps when I do fall asleep. My cognitive abilities are a little duller tho I’m still able to think critically and participate effectively in class.

Its crazy how much time i have on my hands. Its weird not eating… not spending time preparing or actually eating. I do spend a good amount of time thinking about it tho. and the slightest mention of food causes me to salivate uncontrollably. ha. not too bad. as long as i’m not thinking about it i’m alright. I think today will be easier.

well… there are a variety of reasons… but primarily for the health/ wellness benefits…as well as the exercise of will power. I’ve never not eaten before so I consider it a personal challenge. Regarding the health benefits- considering my body has continually been ingesting chemicals nonstop as well as toxins the past 22 years, I think doing a cleanse is definitely called for.

Also– I’m not totally fasting. i’m doing the lemon cleanse (http://www.falconblanco.com/health/cleansing/lemoncleanse.htm)

I’ve read a variety of reasons to fast. one is health– when your body is deprived of calories it begins to conserve any energy it can by excreting anything that would hinder this… which includes flushing toxins as well as dead and sick cells. After about the third day your body enters ketosis, which is when it starts breaking down fat… which is where many toxins and toxic residue resides. I eat healthy and workout and don’t have too much fat on me. but during ketosis when fat is being broken down many of the toxins are excreted.umm…. theres more… hmm..
I hear that its spiritual as well… so much of our day, consciously and unconsciously, is spent thinking about food, getting or preparing it, and after the third day this hunger disappears and apparently a certain clarity comes over you. You feel rejuvenated, your energy levels stabilize. while your heart rate is lower and you feel a little more mellow, you don’t have the ups and downs. hm…. also the sheer fact of overcoming the first 1-3 days of not eating and willing yourself to overcome that obstacle is refreshing (after the third day hunger dissipates). its exercising a hidden and deep will.
I also read its good emotionally… hormonally your stablize… especially since toxins are flushed.
I’ve also read research and peer review studies that it increases your longevity. I’m sure there are other benefits I missed but this is just a few of my reasons.

Also- I think there are safe fasts and unsafe fasts. I researched a bunch from the plain water diet to the juice diet– and its important to do preparation before hand with your diet and health. The lemon cleanse is a happy medium that apparently effectively cleanses your system while providing you with the nutrients you need to function.

also- its not like a fast like this is by any means starving your body. A pound of fat provides 3,200 calories. The average american burns less than 2,000 a day. the great majority of people have at least 12% bf… or at least 10 pounds to spare.

Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself.

Looking back on my childhood I remember spending time with my father as he worked around the house, ran errands, and traveled. I am told that my favorite two words as a child were “what’s that?”. Every time we were together I was given the unique opportunity to learn something new because, as it seemed, he had all the answers. He himself was a curious boy which caused him to never settle for a quick response so he was always digging up a deeper understanding. What was distinctly unique and frustrating about our relationship was that he never just told me an answer. He would ask questions in return that caused me think for myself, and implore my own understandings. It was never easy getting to the bottom of something with him. There were times where his questions would frustrate me to the point of anger. I just wanted to know! Looking back I value this relationship. I have adopted his inquisitive nature of always asking questions when I was given an answer.

what messages am I sending the world. I feel like people are constantly sending messages. i feel like Im constantly judging. why do i second guess my thoughts. it drives me crazy. spring break has been lazy. not too much drunken debauchery. i would like to think more. think more about the important things. less about the mundane stuff. i need to think with purpose. read more. st patty’s day was rough.

So I did a tremendous amount of homework today.

My childhood friend Paul Winters died on his motorcycle on Saturday. He was 21 years old. It was unbelievably shocking. I’m still in shock. School has been hectic. Finally on top of things. Spring break starts on Friday afternoon. I’m leaving tomorrow night to attend pauls funeral. It’ll be unbelievably sad. He left behind two beautiful older sisters who thought he was the awesomest brother ever. And two amazing parents. I can’t imagine their pain. Just like that… their son is gone. Dead. Never again. Man. It leaves me with a sinking pit in my stomache. It makes me feel hallow. Like a painful vacuum that sucks my inhibitions. It makes me feel emotional. Just like that… gone.

So i’ll be in New Jersey till sunday… It’ll be nice to catch up with childhood friends. My father hates me goin back there. He wants me to be around successful people. Apparently he thinks that small town has got alot of nothin in it. Although a funeral isn’t the happiest occasion to see ones that are missed, its an appropriate and necessary excuse to visit.

Because I’m leaving tomorrow night… I rescheduled my mid-terms. I take three exams tomorrow. I have two papers due by friday. It will be madness. I just finished 90% of the work due tomorrow. I have calc II hw but thats no big deal. I love this math stuff.

I have been very…’good’ lately. I would use the word good because I’m maintaining a positive attitude, my feelings have been consistent, and my expectations reasonable. I feel like I float around everywhere I go, just doing my thing. People never disappoint me. I, however, have been finding that I disappoint myself when I don’t follow through with consistent action… aka discipline. Working out has been good. Grades are great. I need to apply to like… 5-8 more schools. I’m sorta apprehensive about that. I really wanna go somewhere great and excel. Wherever I go I will succeed, because I am committed to succeeding. Whatever that means. I never give up.

I do need to be more diligent with my day to day work. Get enthusiastic about it. I have been pulling myself away from the crowd recently. I prefer withdrawing to my cave..some call it a room… or the library. I just want to eliminate distractions. Eliminate any dissonance around me that would interfere with my desires, priorities and intentions.

Words are special. It astounds me that understanding the full meaning of a word can change your perceptions. Our understanding of this world is because of words. we discover it through words and their relationships with other words. What I was saying is that in order to communicate, you must use words that the other person full understands in regards to your message. I feel its mystifying when I feel like what I’m saying is so clear and precise, yet people don’t, or just can’t comprehend its significance or magnitude.

I have much more to say but I need to finish up calcII before I sleep in preparation for a full day of exams followed by a five hour drive to NYC. woot!

Still in the process of filling out transfer applications…

*Vanderbilt University
*University of Virginia
*Tulane University
*American University
*Fordham University
Babson College
Bentley University
Bryant University
Emory University
New York University

**Florida State University
**University of Central Florida
**Wake Forest University
**Cornell University
**Columbia School of General Studies
**Dartmouth College

* Applied
** Thinking of applying

I want to hibernate. I forget what its like to critically think. gr. The past couple semesters I’ve completely forgot how to think. School is so damn stifling. Its not flexible. It tries to be. I need to get creative with how I approach this whole academic thing. I haven’t been exerting as much effort as I’d like to. I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want people around me. They cause me to lose sight of whats important. I want solitude. I want no web 2.0 bullshit. I don’t want distractions. I want to be left alone with my curiosity. I want to be fascinated and challenged again. The only things that make me happy at the moment are calculus II and my advanced composition class. everything else is a chore. Spanish, cognitive psychology (and those damn mindless labs), and statistics are utterly numbing.

I like trance/trip-hop. Its so dreamy: 009 Sound System- Dreamscape.

Writing about my response to the normative gender codes as a high school student requires me to think about how I was raised, the expectations within my family, and the influences that shaped these perceptions as I moved across the country, living in 6 states by 9th grade and attending 9 schools.
I grew up in a family characterized by a strong emphasis on a structure that gained its strength from Christian and military values. My parents were high school sweethearts from a very small suburban town where community was as important part of childhood development. My father was a disciplined self made man who attended the United States Naval Academy and received a degree in Aerospace engineering. After his serving in the military he took on a self proclaimed role as an entrepreneur and started several successful companies.
My parents raised me with a heavy emphasis on the bible and the values it preached. These conveniently coincided with the discipline that characterized the military. These often clashed with the cultural norms in public schools I attended. Because I attended so many schools and moved so often, I rooted myself in the values that my parents actively tried instilling in me. In order to fit in and operate in new environments however, I was forced to mold myself to the cultural norms that I was in. I was never able to give myself steadfast generic identity that I was able to share with a larger group of people.
My mother, coming from humble beginnings, raised me to be extremely aware of how I presented myself to others and how I was accepted. This caused me to place a disproportionate emphasis on conforming, however superficially, to the accepted norms.
While I was just like any other adolescent developing through his teen years, I was an atypical student in the sense of the barriers and obstacles I had to overcome in spite of fitting in. I had lost some friends to suicide in middle school and early high school, so as a result my focus was coping with personal guilt by placing heavy emphasis on finding intimate meaningful friendships. Whether I was trying to replace the friends I lost and re-instill feelings of legitimacy as an individual is debatable, but I did experience an identity crisis that brought me to try on many subcultures and change friends rapidly.
Going back to the normative gender roles—While I was submersed in friends who were living out cultural gender norms, and while this no doubt had an impact on my behavior with them, I always retained a degree of conviction towards the values that I was raised on. These values of the males role included adventure, security, self sustenance, power, competition, service, success, winning, being a gentlemen, being patriotic for ones country, and treating women not as objects of sexual desire, but as holy temples that were consecrated by God to serve and support men in a mutually respectful relationship that revolved around the development of their whole persons. Women were always to be treated with the utmost respect. Etiquette was at a premium when interacting with them.
This contradicted the message my peers were sending me about women as purely objects of sexual gratification. Because of my ability to adapt socially on a whim, I was able to fulfill any of the peer expectations I found myself against. In high school I felt like I needed to have sex in order to legitimize myself as a man. I felt guilty but found myself experimenting with relationships with this end in mind. This caused immense dissonance as the conflicting expectations I was trying to fulfill. On one hand I was to treat women as someone’s sister, daughter , or future wife. On the other, they were purely used for sexual gratification with little regard to their feelings, which were seen as insignificant. After this unfulfilling stint in which I felt horrible for hurting girls I began to look for relationships that would repair the guilt I was feeling. I had no desire for sex so as a result I was friends with many girls. This was seen as feminine. I was often teased for being gay for not having the desire to sleep with all the girls that I had built relationships with.
Regarding physicality—I was raised to be physical superior. My father was an athlete and from a young age was taught the importance of being the best at everything I did psychically. My father was very hard on me in these points. I remember feeling like a very bad son for not out performing my peers. When I wanted to be a kid, I was expected to be an achiever.
As I grew, my peers caught on to this physical superior mentality. I was often picked on for various reasons by the older kids. In hindsight I see that they were threatened by my success in sports and ability to adapt to friends. My father resolved this by helping me beef up. I wanted to be respected like the big kids. I wanted to be muscular and dominant so that when I walked into a room everyone knew that I was the alpha male. I began lifting in the seventh grade and gained immediate respect from the males, although I still struggled with the much older kids because the years of development I was trying to make up for my lifting in order to match of supersede them.

More to write but I’ll save it for later.

Today is awesome!

i love doing things I don’t want to do… but know I should… and deep inside my heart… i really do want to do them. Gosh.

I started lifting again. Lifting is my deal. Dunno why. It seems like everyones deal. but its my deal cause when i get into it i feel great, look great, and life seems conquerable. Its all about routine. and sleep. Sleep is a biggy. No one wants to lift big heavy weights when they are all tired and what not. I’ve noticed that when I lift I always get my other stuff done. Its like exercising will power. Who the hell wants to lift metal for the sheer hell of it? Not too many people. I certainly don’t. But its rewarding. Although not always short term, most definitely long term… and especially long long term. I wanna be a jacked dad and husband. heh.

anyway. Things are seeming manageable at the moment. I learned that the papers I thought were late actually aren’t. Which is nice. super nice really. I did finish one of them… it was actually due this friday. The lab should get done by this evening… and is due tomorrow. whew. I always blow things outta proportion. Its not the most becoming habit.

I’m drinking tea at the moment. Its DELICIOUS. omg… its Red Tea… made with the Adrican Rooibos Herb… made by The Republic of Tea…. its flavor is.. ‘Good Hope Vanilla’… a “Naturally caffeine-free rooibos blended with vanilla and a hint of cream”… my gosh…. so yummy.

I am procrastinating right now. It doesn’t feel too good. I visited some colleges in Boston on Friday and failed to hand in two important papers. I slept all weekend and never got around to finishing them. I haven’t handed them in yet. I have class tomorrow.

I have been avoiding responsibility lately. I don’t know why. It doesn’t make me feel good at all. It feels so contrary to my character. I feel very guilty about myself. This is not who I am. I am motivated. I am passionate. I have been thinking too much. I have been bullshitting around with unrealistic expectations about myself, my standards, my commitments. I’m basically sabotaging my integrity. Its definitely salvageable.

I need to at least start this paper. I also need to finish a lab. I also need to do a variety of other pressing things. 5 classes and being the president of two clubs has caused me to go way above my head. I am hurting. My defense mechanism is to shut down. I forgot why I’m doing what I’m doing. I don’t like rote behaviors. I like passion. I like the heart as the driving force behind my rational.

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On another note… I met a girl this weekend. I think she’s nice. Looking forward to getting to know her.

I’m lost with myself. I’m not sure who I am. I have programmed myself. Who am I? I don’t trust my feelings. My mind is inconsistent. My intuition is unguided.

I feel like I’m running a routine. I’m in purgatory.

There is nothing new and bright and exciting. I wanna curl up in a ball and hide. I smile and smile and say hi and ask questions and get to know people. I am totally lost with myself. What do I want to do. Money. Relationships. Certainty.
This society is bogus. I need to escape. Or I wanna own it. I wish my thoughts were whole.

Problems only exist in our mind.
The reality is… there are no problems. They are figments of our imagination. Sheer dissonance created when our distorted expectations interfere with our desires. Maintain realistic expectations by learning the difference between the controllables and uncontrollables. Exercise faith that solutions exist for these desires, however vague they may seem at the moment.

Never give up.

Unconscious inference:
I’m constantly reflecting on my cognitive processes that are contributing or hindering my intentions and desires and continually strive to have this awareness serve my aims. Regarding unconscious inference, I have a unique affinity for recognizing the role perception plays on successfully interacting with an environment pertaining to understanding and communicating. Although arguable, while truth remains wholly objective, our understanding of it is wholly subjective. This is where it becomes important to be aware of how perceptions behave. Our minds strive to order the world around us by categorizing and arranging information in ways easiest for us to navigate and make decisions. This tendency creates subconscious habits that interfere with objectively encountering the changing world outside us. As creatures of habit, we must develop the tendency to remind ourselves to challenge our preexisting experiences and explore the object (or truth) in its current context. This opposes the habit to look at every thing at face value. While I would have said that this kind of thought requires more effort, I would suggest that as creatures of habit, we have the ability to learn to challenge original or accepted perceptions in order to develop a more objective understanding.

I often catch myself ‘presuming’ or ‘assuming’ based on previous experiences. Human’s ability to generalize is the cause of man to end his search. The paradox lies in that while the content may be reliable, the meaning that we imbue it with is directly dependent on the context and its relation with other objects (or truths). This is in constant flux however. When we decide that a single or group of experiences suffices a proper understand, we essentially decide to view the world in a suspended state where a generic approach to understanding satisfies are shallow curiosity.

This idea of subconscious inference is a benefit in certain areas of life, allowing us to navigate through stimulation unimpeded by the barrage of changes in our environment, but must be challenged in order to grow as a person.

I drink V8.
I take vitamins of multi value.
I woke up late.
I ingested stimulants.
I read and reflected
On cultural norms
and naturalized classes,
fantastic subversion
and proverbial clashes.
I played hide and seek,
and showed brief inversion;
never too much,
I’m much too meek.

Never reveal
to those who hail their view,
paramount to
a communal hue.
Be receptive to those receiving
be wary of those ceasing.

Most ridiculous night. Get directions to a major party… drive 30 min.. call contacts… no answer…get there… parties done… disappointed. head home… contacts call back… we went to the wrong party.. blah blah. pull off in a parking lot… pound beers… head back to the apartment.. find girls there… tease them… watch a movie… eat swiss cheese and triscuits… go to bed. my night.

went out last night. got drizunk. slept alot. went food shopping.. listened to music. felt good.

i need to write 10 essays by monday… one rough draft paper… design two fundraising work schedules for two clubs. e-mail people. and other bs homework. i wish i did more work today. adderall tomorrow. woot.

I just got off the phone with the girl. Shes a trip. Asks too many questions. I don’t really see eye to eye with her on every issue. Normally that’d be enough to stop talking to her right there, but for some reason I continue to. Many I’m pathetic. Maybe I’m maturing and I realize you won’t ever find a ‘perfect 10’ and that settling on a 9 isn’t settling…ha.

She asked some pretty personal stuff about past relationships and what not and typically I’d respond back with no hesitation, cause I just don’t care, but I stopped myself and decided there are some things I didn’t want to just air out too soon… and she began playing this stupid game like.. I won’t talk to you until you tell me sorta deal. Even though she did, she was just being difficult and short and everything. That stuff gets under my skin.. usually to the point where I’m like.. peace. Because it was something that wasn’t that big of deal in my mind, I ended up telling her anyway. But I got a good idea of how she handles crap like that, and I don’t like it too much.

Anyway. She’s neat. Some incongruities in our world view and values. Shes HUGE on God. I was ‘raised’ Christian. But you know… I began reading… and that was the end of me. Perspective ruined me. Camus, Sartre, Nietzsche, Kafka, Dostoevsky, etc.,… all of them. So now I’m just confused. I still believe in God. I have a little broader definition of him, although not washed out. Just not typical. Aka… I’m confused… and all that really exists are atoms and space… and everything else is opinion.

So we talked for a little over an hour. She asked me to tell her a story.. ha. I never did that before… So.. I began. In short, it was about a lil girl who was raised by parents who were in the circus. This little girl had a big heart for people and would collect all the pennies and nickels in the gutter and ground and give them to people in need and church every week. it was about her growin up and all the people she met and their adventures. She was slipping off to sleep so I told her I’d resume some other time and let her sleep.

And I need to sleep. 8:30 class. Need to wake up and finish editing an essay before class.

!

I think I have mental diarrhea. Maybe its called ADD. My mind never stops. Its all over the place. Reigning it in is difficult. When I’m passionate/curious/ interested in things this isn’t much of a problem.

I’m in a limbo period right now. I need to apply to transfer. I haven’t started any essays. The common app is finished but yea. I am so busy with work its ridiculous. It puts me in a stupor.
Vermont is a giant icebox. There are walls of snow everywhere.

What can books teach us? What can we learn?

I feel that every thing’s outdated. Who the fuck can prepare me for whats to come?

Every thing’s changing faster than ever. The older people don’t see things the same way as our generation. Out generation is marked by change. Change that happens so fast if you aren’t watching you miss it. And there are a lot of people who are missing a lot.

I just feel under prepared. Who can prepare me? How can I prepare myself?

We piled in the Elevator. I was wasted. My arms hung around two beautiful girls. My world was breaking down in front of me. An older couple followed us in. I did my usual social routine and began conversing and wishing them a happy new year. The guy was tall and overweight. He looked a bit shady, but happy. The woman was in her thirties. She was blonde and petite. Everyone was wasted.

I forget what we talked about but he held up an eight ball. Pure cocaine. My world at that moment ceased to matter except to get high. I was magnetized. He caught me at my weakest. I didn’t really wanna go and he could tell. He coaxed me by offering a bump. The elevator arrived at their floor. Girls in arms, I followed into their apartment.

I don’t remember too much after that. I remember a lot of cocaine. I remember big lines. I remember these pretty girls with their powdered noses and big cute smiles. Thoughts of disgust continually crept into my frame of mind but the drug induced euphoria overpowered them.

A hour turns into two and its 3:30am. I politely thank them, shake hands and dismiss myself.

I know a girl is waiting for me. I take the elevator up a few floors and find the apartment.

Its dark, so I whisper for any friends. I spot a few bodies on the floor. I laugh to myself. Totally awake, totally high. I find her. I straddle her body and reach down to caress her face. She smiles and grabs my hand to hold it. Without a word she gets up and leads me into her room. There are people sleeping. She pushes them out of her bed and they land on the floor with a thud. There is no stir. funny. I strip down and crawl under the sheets. She holds me and rests. Before long we’re stroking each other and exchanging kisses. The cocaine has saturated my brain. I am in complete ecstasy. She nibbles on my ear. I obviously can’t take the tantalizing play so I take charge…

It was pretty much amazing. I obviously couldn’t pass out like she did so I waited a good fifteen minutes until a hear a rhythmic breathing and slide out of bed. I look for my friends… They are gone, expect one. He’s on the floor, pillows piled on his body. I laugh to myself and wake him. Its around 6:00am.

I must have smoked a pack of cigarettes. I definitely consumed well over the harmful amount of alcohol and was totally sleep deprived. Despite all this, I manage to drive home with the help of the suns fresh morning rays.

Sooo confused. What do I want to major in? I feel like my thoughts are sieving through my brain. Nothings sticking. My passion. God. I always come back to passion. Where are my desires? Where is my curiosity? I feel like I’m an empty vessel with gaping pores. I can never be full. Its constant effort. Always a battle. As soon as I rest I pay for it. Maybe I’m confused right now. I hate when I feel like I know what my problem is, and for some reason that seems like enough to do about it. Just knowing what it is. Thats no solution. gosh.

blah blah. I am feeling lazy. Tomorrow I’m working out. I worked out last week… SOOoo sore. So sore I couldn’t give legitimate hugs this week. They were half hearted. So sore I felt like I had the flu. I always forget to ease back into it when I take like… over a month off. Thats ridiculous. Over a month?? Michael.. totally unsat.

So my classes… I feel like my brain needs to catch up. I have quite a bit to do at the moment. Lacking the enthusiasm to do it well. Therefore it doesn’t get done cause I only wanna do it well. what shitty logic. I need to just do. Do and do and do. I wanna get laid. I need to get laid. There are all these girls, but no friggen desire to pursue. What the hell? I am crazy. Actually, no. There are not all these girls, and thats the problem. Horrible ratio at this school. 30/70. Wow. no girls. As much as I want to believe this school is terrific, I wanna punch it.

Speaking of punch: I bought some potassium nitrate the other day. A whole pound. Gonna make some fiery, smoky things. That go fizzle and boom. We’ll see.

There is like… 10 ft of snow everywhere. I wanna jump in it naked. Aimless. I need to shut myself off from the outside world. When I have too many thoughts, my brain shuts the fuck off. I become over stimulated and suddenly, go blank. It sucks. When I control my thoughts, and only think the shit I want, everything is better. I’ve done this in the past by not going online, not using social networking sites, not partying, not talking to random people, or not doing anything that doesn’t pertain to school and or books and or studying and or clubs and or organizations. wtf. I get depressed when I get so shut off.

Its ok though.. cause, while I’m not really depressed now, I feel just as empty. And I’d rather feel a little sad and full than empty. phooey.

c. 2006

A giddy anxiety ran over me. I was excited for the night. Last time I dropped was late spring.
The four of us exchanged our excitement towards the upcoming night. My parents would be home soon so I urged Alex to divi up the animal crackers.

“So you have 20 huh?”

“Yea but I’m trying to save some for later,” he said with a half smirk. “you gotta hold on to this shit when you get it.”

“bro. If you’re gonna trip you gotta make it worth it. One hit will give you a body high; Two hits is cool. Thats when you start getting some trails, some visuals. Thats when you can start havin fun. I’ve done two though and when you’re on it, you don’t wanna stop peaking. You always wish you took a few more. I’ll buy five off you?” I looked at him with a smile. He could tell I was up for a hell of a night. “Dude, do five with me.”

“bro”, he said with a laugh,” This is my first time.”

“Whatever dude. I wouldn’t tell you if I didn’t think you’d have the best time ever. And if your trippin with me. You know it’ll be the best time you can have.”

It didn’t take me long to convince him it was more than worth it. All I needed to do was get pumped about my adventures with lucy. Playing with lights. The visuals… spaceships… cotton candy plants. Fake plastic trees. Grass growing. Vines that come alive like curious little creatures.

It was liquid acid blotted on animal crackers. Pure. We split it up. I had five. Alex had five. Jon had three. Zac had three. Smiling, we held up our doses and looked each other in the eyes to bid each other fare well and safe travels to another world. With that we placed the crackers under our tongue, and waited. We waited until our saliva digested the crackers into a gooey dissolved paste, then we swallowed.

Thirty minutes later the excitement began to rise. I looked at the kitchen stove clock. It pulsated bright green: 8:30pm. The night was young. My parents would be home soon. I gathered the troops. We hooted and hollared out the door and into my jeep. Where were we going? The spot. The location was a mile or two into the woods where giant mountains of dirt lay next to sand dunes and glimmering pools of water. I had tripped many a time in these dark woods.

Music blaring, positive vibes flowing, we pulled along side the intercoastal and parked under the bridge. I checked the clock. It was rounding 9:00pm. My senses were heightened. An anxiety was brewing in my chest. I smiled, hard. So hard that a euphoria swept over my body and took my breath away as I stepped out of the car. When I opened my eyes my world was brighter, but farther away. Everyone piled out, water bottles in hand, and I locked the door. And so the night began.

Jon and Zac were trading their hopes for the night and Alex walked ahead as we made our way to an over grown path.

“I feel it; Its coming” I expectantly declared.

I took a step and the ground lit up. Another. It sent a bolt of white light throughout the ground. Every step I took the ground lit up like magic. I hooted and ran into the forest full sprint.

I could hear them shouting behind me, “Hey wait up. Where you going, I can’t see!”

I just smiled and ran. I felt like my limbs could carry me forever. It occurred that I felt covered. Covered in what? Am I feeling the lingering sensation of branches brushing past my body, or is this something else?” I slowed and begin feeling my limps and face, inspecting these sensations. My heart began to race uncontrollably as the thought swept over my: Spiders. My body convulsed as I flailed, trying to rid myself of the webs and any potential eight legged creature that found its way on my body. I was ‘freaking out’.

I could here the guys making their way through the prickly path, their feet crunching as they spoke amongst themselves in a confused tone. I calmed myself.

“Hey dude! don’t run up ahead we can’t see!”

“You guys scared?!?”, I gleefully remarked, almost to cover up my freight. “We can walk this part out, lets go”

We continued along the moonlit path as we hacked at the overgrowth and webs. I looked down and saw shadows moving. Are my eyes deceiving me? I focused intently and took a few more steps. The shadows scattered. What on earth? Before I could ask the question, it occurred to me: roaches. Big, juicy, fast roaches. Repulsive. I warned the guys and we quickened our pace, hopping over streams and eventually reaching a clearing.