LSD is like a surprise party you’ve heard all about; even before the first encounter you believe yourself to be distantly acquainted like an astral soul mate. As the time approaches you believe yourself prepared and ready, maintaining a perfectly formed idea of the minute details comprising the events of the party: where it’s at, whats going to happen, who’s gonna be there. You are terribly excited and cannot wait to be greeted by the anticipated surprise.  However, as one who savors the novelty of life, you go to great lengths to ensure the vernal appeal is fully preserved. You sneak up quietly, tip-toeing, trying not to disrupt the au courant beauty of your expectations. You await the glory, the thrill and approbation.

At the last expecting moment you feel an abrupt slap in the ass that throws you into an utterly befuddled, confused state. Swiftly, you swing around to find a retinue of happy, joyous, strange, aliens cheering your arrival. You do not know these people, you do not know why they are looking at you with such glib enthusiasm. You don’t know whether to greet them with a smile and beam equal joy, or recoil in alarming fear. This does not parse well with your expectations. You were expecting a party, but this is not the party you thought you’d attend. These are strangers, unknown to you. Their visage may suggest a warm disarming invitation to stay, but there is a strangeness. Do I embrace these outstretch arms and party with conviviality and without consternation? Or do I attempt to run? Should I escape and flee to a more familiar place? Perhaps the party I expected?

Little do you know, in that moment, you have no choice in the matter. You cannot cross  the thresh hold twice. Fate has left you here and this is the party you must attend. The sooner you embrace it, the sooner you can appreciate it. Running from it is like running inward. There is no escape. You only go deeper and deeper, until you lose yourself. You cannot escape yourself.


We piled in the Elevator. I was wasted. My arms hung around two beautiful girls. My world was breaking down in front of me. An older couple followed us in. I did my usual social routine and began conversing and wishing them a happy new year. The guy was tall and overweight. He looked a bit shady, but happy. The woman was in her thirties. She was blonde and petite. Everyone was wasted.

I forget what we talked about but he held up an eight ball. Pure cocaine. My world at that moment ceased to matter except to get high. I was magnetized. He caught me at my weakest. I didn’t really wanna go and he could tell. He coaxed me by offering a bump. The elevator arrived at their floor. Girls in arm, I followed into their apartment.

I don’t remember too much after that. I remember a lot of cocaine. I remember big lines. I remember these pretty girls with their powdered noses and big cute smiles. Thoughts of disgust continually crept into my frame of mind but the drug induced euphoria overpowered them.

An hour turns into two and its 3:30am. I politely thank them, shake hands and dismiss myself.

I know a girl is waiting for me. I take the elevator up a few floors and find the apartment.

Its dark, so I whisper for any friends. I spot a few bodies on the floor. I laugh to myself. Totally awake, totally high. I find her. I straddle her body and reach down to caress her face. She smiles and grabs my hand to hold it. Without a word she gets up and leads me into her room. There are people sleeping. She pushes them out of her bed and they land on the floor with a thud. There is no stir. funny. I strip down and crawl under the sheets. She holds me and rests. Before long we’re stroking each other and exchanging kisses. The cocaine has saturated my brain. I am in complete ecstasy. She nibbles on my ear. I obviously can’t take the tantalizing play so I take charge…

It was pretty much amazing. I obviously couldn’t pass out like she did, so I waited a good fifteen minutes until I hear a rhythmic breathing coming from her and slide out of bed. I look for my friends… They are gone, except one. He’s on the floor, pillows piled on his body in a weak attempt to garner some cover. I laugh to myself and wake him. Its around 6:00am.

I must have smoked a pack of cigarettes. I definitely consumed well over the harmful amount of alcohol and was totally sleep deprived. Despite all this, I manage to drive home with the help of the suns fresh morning rays.


I’ve done every drug but heroin. I’ve tripped on so much fucking acid dozens of hits. Soo many shrooms; pounds homegrown and picked from pastures. I’ve done so much blow- innumerable ounces upon ounces. I’ve ate so many fuckin ecstasy- dozens upon dozens. I’ve smoked god knows how much reefer- pounds upon pounds. I’ve ate so much DXM. I’ve chomped down so many pain killers. and even more benzodiazepines like xanax klonopins and valiums. I’ve eatin so much fuckin ritalin. I’ve overdosed more times than I could ever remember. I’ve vomited enough to fill several bathtubs. im had more sex with the most beautiful girls. the most fucked up girls. I’ve been to more parties and met more people than most people do in a lifetime. I’ve done more keg stands. more beer bongs. more bongs. more fights. I’ve knocked out so many kids. I’ve been in so many brawls. I’ve got so many scars. I’ve cut myself so many times. I’ve burned myself so many times. I’ve pierced myself. I’m tatted. I’ve dyed my hair. I’ve been homeless. I’ve failed high school. I’ve had friends overdose to death; two of my closest friends hung themselves. till their eyes popped out of their head and their face went purple and blue like a infectious pimple. I’ve lost 30 pounds from not eating. I’ve gained 30 pounds from wanting to get big. I’ve crashed cars. I’ve flipped cars. I’ve had anxiety till I vomited. I struggle with it every day. I’ve had depression until I’ve overdosed into severe unconsciousness. depression where i prayed i wouldn’t wake up for years on end, where breathing became painful. I’ve seen so much fucked up shit. I’ve moved twelve times in six states and attended eleven different schools, public, private, boarding, all boys, very small, very large. I’ve been all over the fuckin country. I’ve seen the richest rich; the poorest poor. There isn’t much I haven’t seen; nothing surprises me.  I’ve been fucked up for weeks. Months. Can’t see straight; can’t remember last month. Last week. Last night. Don’t remember what the fucks been going on. I’ve been to concerts, raves, clubs, bars, strip clubs, pool parties, bonfires extravaganzas, mega bashes, basement parties, mansions, yacht parties. You fuckin name it. My god. None of that has ever left me the least bit content. Nope. Not at all. When that shits over I usually felt worse. The memories are good, but I can’t live in the past and forget about the now. That shit is all stupid. It fucks you up. Kills you. It’s a hole. A bottomless pit that eats you up and you fall faster and faster and it gets harder and harder to examine what reality looks like and you crash. Hard. I’m done living like that. life will be there when you wake up. Unless you never wake up. you make it good and worthwhile.


Saturday, May 28, 2005

My friday night.
i worked till 1130. dropped some E (yay). went to a beach party. fighting everywhere. people everywhere. dont know whats goin on. no more alcohol. kegs dry. whatev.ppl r everywhere. po po roll up. outta nowhere. i realize the situation at hand. i shit and run my ass off to the car. i dive head first in some bushes so that i might be able to elude the blue monsters. run on the beach for a good, eh, fuckin mile.. (felt like it) find the car. get in. go to taco bell to chill out and figure out what the fuck happened. watch police and abulences spontaneously spawn from every corner of jupiter. heard that someone died. (seriously tho) im freakin out. but dont care cause im rollin. i call bunches of ppl up. leave a few dozen messages. pick up a 12 pack. go back to my house where i was gonna have ppl over. go to my neighbors house. party. brooke calls me back. told her i wanted to see her. she said stop by in this newhaven party. go there. rollin balls. drank 10 beers. really drunk. dont remember fine details. i liked everyone at the house i was at. i go home round 3. chill at my neighbors. talk to gay guys about life. very enlightening. im rollin till about 6 this morning. i see the sun peak its rays over the horizon. i realize i should probably go to bed. i had work at 10 this morning.
that was my friday night.

9:17 PM