Category: Uncategorized

fuuckkkkkkkkkkkkk

right now.. and i mean at this moment…i dont wanna know anyone. i wanna live in a hole and think and do what i want. and read. forever. and honestly drink coffee in a tree. or maybe on some moss surrounded by ferns. and continue reading into the day until i find myself in a flowery grassy meadow where the rivers gurgling is heard not too far off. and i can read and smoke a pipe. and drink tea. and sit under a great tree thats wide and full with life. and ill sit under it in the middle of a field. and maybe that girl will be waiting there. and we’ll sit there and read and reflect and have intelligent conversations. and not worry about time or anything like that. ill have a pocket watch(only for looks) and she’ll be wearing a white dress and ill only be wearing jeans. and ill have long blonde hair and she’ll have long flowing blonde hair. and there will be a path i follow home thats been trodden with barefeet all summer long. i want to be able to breath deep and with every last breath, savor the aroma of life all around me. the nectar and the blossuming flowers and the lush green leaves. i really want to get lost in a book. and nevermind the little bugs that fall onto the pages, but shoo them along and smile. i want to climb trees and pick apples and look at the beautifully pristine blue sky dotted with white cotton clouds and the suns soft rays. i want to look up at lively weathered trees as tall as sky scapers and run through the forest. i want to go home to a cozy cottage with all the necessities and none of the excessities;). i want to have a little wood stove and a little wood table with little wood stools and a little wood desk tucked away in the corner by the window. i want a library and a bedroom lined with decor from my adventures. there will be no wants or needs. i will provide for myself and her. and there will be no distractions. no image. no drama. no lies. no wants. no evil. nothing unecessary or distracting from living a simple and fulfilling life of happiness and the persuit of knowledge and wisdom. i want a pretty little woman with no selfish desires left because ive taken care of all her needs. because i love her. and she’ll love me.

and when i gather all the wisdom a man can carry ill go out into the world and share it with everyone. and everyone will listen because im wise and ill know how to appeal to the longings of their deepest desires.and they will know everything i say to be true because it will be the sweetest thing they’ve every heard. and ill share with them my secrets and many men will find true meaning and they will share this meaning as i have done. and slowly the world will become a better place.

until then. i need to focus on developing myself despite my circumstances so one day this might happen.

🙂

i will never give up. i will never give up on myself. the unsatiable thirst for knowledge and greatness will never leave me.

if i ever experience love in my life, i consider myself a success. im not so sure there are people who’ve ever had the priviledge of giving as much thought and consideration as they would for themselves, to someone else. eh. im a complete hypocrit when it comes to the subject matter of love. i feel thats its as easily attainable as it is unattainable and i feel that in my current state of mind {however inebriated that may be} i could search a lifetime and come up emptyhanded. Is there something inside of me i havet found thats preventing me from finding love or have i just overlooked one too many girls who’ve caught my eye.

ha. i was reflecting today. i read alot. i worked alot. im drained.

anyway… so i was thinking of the innocence i experienced as a child. i remember going to wedding events as a lil boy all decked out in his little overalls and a little polo. i had brilliantly white hair that was carefully parted to one side. anyway i remember everyone would feverishly kiss me and hug me and all the family members would just show me endless amounts of affection (italians obviously). i, by the way, wanted nothing more than to left alone and thought of as a tough guy. i wanted nothing to do with being kissed as a boy. so i struck up deals and began charging people per kiss. ha. thinking back on that i laughed to myself. i was no more than lets say 5. i mustve collected well over a hundred big ones during every event surrounding those years. i was a lil business man.

quote of the day:
“The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance. It is the illusion of knowledge.”
aka. no one knows it all. dont think you know it all. youll never grow.

life is good. im reading alot. like always when i read i feel enlightened. im currently motivated. my heart still hurts from self inflicted wounds. i dont know why im so afraid of being hurt. im constantljy trying to protect myself. ive been making great leaps and bounds in my emotional journey as well as my psychological and mental journies. it sucks to be unsure of yourself. i resolve to make it a point to be sure of myself, my commitments and feelings and everything else i have control of. im really upset at myself for the mistakes ive made in teh past. i have a really hard time forgiving myself. and in turn it sorta makes it impossible to forgive other people. and i really wish i could be friends with this one girl in particular but ive pushed her away pretty good. itd be a miracle if she was ever receptive to me again. and the thought of that hurts. cause damn. i still love her and always will. in any case im developing as a person rather greatly. im not disappointed in myself whatsoever. i dont wish to be any other way rigth now. ive never been so open and ambitous to dreams and success. time is the only thing i struggle with. i want transformation over night and it doesnt happen that way. i just need to be consistent and continually work on myself to become the best person this world will ever encounter, despite past present and furture obstacles. love.

well. however incredibly financially unstable i see myself at the moment, im consciously alright with it. i seem to have found a ray of positivity thats created enlightened outlook for me. hm. so ive got a good attitiude. i feel confident in my abilities and somewhat driven. i feel this way when i take action. my god. ACTION. it gets me off. being PRO active. holllyyyy. thats the stuff i live for. anything thats gonna progress me in any manner, may it be mental and even physical. i just need to be consistent with these optimistic spurts of joy and clarity. hm. i dunno. right now its all good. dont worry. dont hate. dont fear. and dont procrastinate. as long as i subconsciously avoid these things i will succeed to the highest level.

and ive been thinking about god lately. excuse me. God. that dude. that energy. that entity. God is a lifestyle. its a spiritual lifestyle. im convinced that materialistic and tangible pleasures are going to leave me feeling, and probably everyone else thats ever tried to find attainable happiness in those things, completely unstatisfied and even drive me crazy chasing them. i think the only real satisfaction can be found in a spiritual world. and i think if you are spiritually healthy that maybe, just maybe, the physical world we swim in will get a little more pleasant. i say that a little sarcastically almost because i believe itll get alot better if youre spiritually in tune. anyway.

alot more than that but its all good for now. i miss relationships. some people just like disappearing and running off and im not in a position to chase, more or less, after them.they know im here.

psh.

im sorta frustrated with myself. i wanna think myself out of it. or convince myself out of it but it seems like i dont want to or im not fed up enough with with current situation that i wanna do anything about it. god i dont trust people and its a fuckin problem. i shouldnt give a shit and just live in my own little world but i do too much. i wanna getr really angry and rash. start violently rampaging. but im not. friends are shitty. i have this one friend whos my bro… and ive always looked out for him.. and he looks out for me back. but he’s got me really pissed right now. he cheated on this girl whos really sweet. and its who he cheated on her with thats shitty. i cant even get into it really. whatever. i dont care. ill leave it be. i dont want drama. um. im pissed at my motivation levels. at my ambition levels. at my processing levels. i am really just aggrivated with myself and the lack of initiative and enthusiasm. i need to get on it.

im bad at reading girls. i really dont know what the hell they want unless they go outright and say it. and im sorry if i dont read between the lines. they act like im paying attention to every detail they throw in there… when in reality im in my own happy little world. anyway.

i love women. but they are crazy. i am drunk. and i love love. and i hate when they dont reciprocate. i have work in like 4 hours. shitty as hell. i love girls. um surf. alot. cause it puts coarse hair on your bosoum.if thats how its spelled. and i was at my hangout place tonight. i broke up around.. uim… 5 seperate fights. no joke. i was getting swung at and spit on. just for trying to make peace. whatever. loser dudes like fighhting unecessary drunk fights. psh. my homies were there. hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

tropical storm ernesto proved to be fairly disappointing. although, however, it did provide some swells for some surfing pleasure. whatev. i am frustrated.

laugh

fuck you. you dont know shit. you think you know shit. your absolutely void of all character and anything moral. you contradict yourself and your intentions. you disgrace your own body and you lacerate your mind with unecessary trash. you whore yourself out to the masses and hide behind a hideous good soul. bitterness and resent follow your everyfootstep. burn in your simple ideology. bathe in your pride. you disgust me with your pompous attitude and thoughtless quips. where are you going? where will you end? think about that. think about where your going. because no one else important does.

i dont enjoy work. im not myself there. too much pressure. too much headache. i feel like alot of the management and some of the people i work with are a joke. dont get me wrong there i do enjoy some people there, and i find everyone interesting but its not my scene. i dunno. i need the money, even tho the moneys not really there right now. F it. ive just been under pressure with bills and money and really self conscious and full of anaxiety lately. i get this shit every once and awhile. nothin too prolonged but enough where i get uncomfortable and have to write about it to acknowledge it and move on. anywho. agh. im talking to this girl. shes crazy. i dont care about her alot, and thats only because i make myself not give a shit about her. deep inside i probably care too much but dealing with it is too much trouble when you have the option not to care. i am starting a new approach that incorporates caring. and seeing past her flaws, which are bountiful. eh. dunno if itll work but im tired of sitting around with no one. boo.

i went to a toga party. it was pretty rad.

so enough partying yadda yadda. im going to be a personal trainer. personally training people to get in amazing shape. its on. im getting my cetification. itll be on. that’ll get me through school and be a source of income i can always rely on. so thats cool.

and lifting in going good. i weigh close to 190. which is awesome. cheers.

my anxiety kills me. it eats at my insides. whyyyyyyyyyyy

GODDAMN AUTOMATIC TRANSFERS AND BEING IN DEBT AND FUCKIN CAR PAYMENTS AND FOOD AND CELL PHONE BILLS AND FUCKIN DRINKING AND GAS PRICES AND MAKING A SHITTY WAGE. FUCK THIS WORLD.

go to college.

um. my heart is my own. ive officially got smart enough to keep it close and protect myself. eh. im not gonna humor you with enough attention where your satisfied, ladies.

ive got a big heart. some girl will be covered in a everlasting love one day. unconditional. not judgemental. just love. she’ll be real lucky. ive got alot of that to offer. but not to everyone. which is why. no i dont fuck you. if i did that id be spreading my love thin. it would be meaningless. and that one girl i loved, well id be selling her short. i got drunk tonight. still am. i had an awesome time. there are alot of prospectable girls out there. er still havent found her. but it means theres hope.

cant wait to go to college.

i never give up. if i gave up i would resort to being braindead and resume the all too often state of one dimesia. im pretty deep and i think that scares people. or people are just dumb and arent ready for a serious conversation. maturity needs to take place before those people, more specifically women, realize this. get over insecurities damnit. stop being hard. putting up those walls. be open. and willing. and go for it. and i dont mean for me. i mean for every good guy out there that you have in the back of your mind but your afraid to open of for some stupid reason. cause youve been hurt. well get over the past and help yourself out. if you feel an urge and an attraction, be rael and act upon to see if its genuine. if you dont youll have to live with regret.

sexual impulse. that shit is hard to control.

friends are wierd. as i get older i feel as if friends grow more and more distant. things seperate us. the only people close to me are the people who make the effot to stay close. it doesnt matter how much we click, its how much we need the other person. i love my friends. even the ones who dont need me so much. and for the people that i dont need so much… i love you guys too.

I think too much. Thinking is what gets me into trouble. Its where i confuse myself. i think its all the drugs ive done. Ive littered my mind with so much drugs.. and useless thinking that its hard to stay focused on the things that have any importance. its do-able, but difficult nonetheless. I want to be a whore. but i have too much respect for myself. or i wanna protect myself from any skanky whores. and my little heart. and at timesi dont give a shit. and i compromise myself slutting myself out to a girl who i think will do it for me. but im over that. i have to live with the regret. i wish the regret would go away. time time.

I opened my eyes. I looked down. i chopped my legs off today. i started biting my nails and worked my way done to my elbow. i grinded my teeth until they chipped and cracked. i bit my tongue and started choking on the blood as it clotted in my throat. i held my breath until i passed out on my face, breaking my nose, my jaw. i woke in a puddle of blood and vomit where i began choking. my face turned purple and my lips blue. i was stark and pale.bodily excretions and excrements covered me. I turned over to lay on my back and gasped for air. i pulled out a cigarette and held it between my cracked bloody lips. i lit it and inhaled. Fire. Burning. Pain. Shooting down my throat where it burned my lungs like brimstone. my gums, now even more agitated, began spewing all the more blood. It seeped slowly into my throat. i violently convulsed in a coughing fit. it rained blood. i put my hand into my pocket and pulled out a fist of razors. i began cutting my forhead. etching. deep. blood ran into my eyes.

i opened my eyes wider. im ok. i grasped the toilet seat with one hand and using the last bit of fleeting energy and strength, lifted myself and sat up. i slammed my head backwards in frustration. My skull cracked against the tile. electric pain overcame the numbness and my world was black. i could hear dripping. i was soaked. in blood. the last bit of life i retained was running into the toilet, already filled with shit and piss.

you think you have it bad.

i tried opening my eyes. my world was black. i was delusional. with index and forefinger i plunged into my eyesocket securing a firm grip on my eye. i pulled hard, against everything that told me not to. i heard a tear and a pop. and i pulled harder. with ease like unraveling a sweater i continued to pull until every vein and artery were disconnected. i felt warmth run down my face, my chin. down my body.

This is hell.

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life is.

life is one big ball of wreckless hairy twisted rolling shit.

life is a beautiful flowing sweet happy rolling breeze.

they both seem true.

Today i expended energy. I was constructive in a physical sense. I was lacking in building up my mental and spiritual departments. Why does this bother me? my head feels burnt.

marvelous. simply marvelous. i have indigestion of the heart. its rather uncomfortable. Im working towards a groove of happiness. i can almost taste its richness. i went out tonight. against my will. i went to a local bar. i had a few beers. i saw some people that made me smile. wretched cigarettes. its a habit that im still hunting. i thought i killed it.
i hate over analyzing. its pointless when you arent documenting your finds and logic. i feel useless when i sit there and analyze. alot of good it does me. i forget it within a few days and so i repeat the process. taking it in.i deduct some logical assumptions. every now and then something monumental strikes me. i call them epiphanies. no longer do i sit around and wait for something to motivate me. i motivate myself through an altered train of thought. its a good thing. is that something you wait for? do you decide to have an epiphany? do you consciously realize that you in fact could change for the better? i suppose i wait for enough courage to test it out… rather than thinking through every possible scenario aka analyze somemore. anyway. rambling.

My lovly locks are no longer with me. ive been cut down to a few meer inches of bristle. whatev.

tomorrow i have a few chores to do… then the BEACH! yay.

i am totally warped. i spent the past week in jersey. visiting old friends and rehashing old habits. Im totally over old habits. im sick to the stomach right now. i cannot stand anymore sickening monotany. i need some change in my head. im on this endless search for a pool that never wakes or trembles. i need everlasting tranquility in my head. im tired of cluttered space. i cant think straight. i dont wanna be someone im not. and im tired of trying not to be offensive… or overly considerate to people. i need to just worry about being myself. ugh. i sat in the airport terminal for six hours today. i watched people and wrote in my journal. the people really made me think about where everyone was going. why. when. why. how. i pretended like i knew them and a fewtimes struck conversation. alot of people. alot of perspectives. alot of realities. when i was all alone at the baggage claim, after everyone had deserted the area, i opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. the drafty terminal was deathly quiet. after abotu two hours of being all alone… except for the incessant rapping of my thoughts.. i decided to explore. upon passing some automatic sliding glass doors a chime sounded, followed by a pleasant voice “Hey! You look handsome today!” i paused midstride. wtf. i leaned back and listened again, not moving. a while later “Has anyone told you how great you look today!?”… backpack and luggage in hand, i stood there and soaked up about ten minutes worth of automated feel good responses. the airport actually has these.
whats this world coming to? we apparently dont hear it enough.. and its so necessary to our wellbeing and happiness that we’ve installed them in probably the most unhappiest places of all.

cool. collected. creative. smart. calm. comfortable.

my sleep patterns have degraded the past week.. as well as my eating patterns.

i havent shaven in about a week.

go to bed.

Monday, July 24, 2006

stuck in New Jersey
agh. i missed my flight. and i had to spend twice as much for another ticket. damn spirit and its shitty non-refundable cabin coach class tickets.
11:54 AM

i decided i dont really like drinking at all. so i weigh the pro’s and con’s of drinking. pro’s: it loosens me up, i get very happy. con’s: hangovers.. which include extreme dehydration, nasuea, vomiting, poor sleep, headaches and other physical aching etc., plus its just bad for your body. bottomline is i should just be happy and be sober. alright. im not gonna be a bitch. i enjoy beer and alcohol a whole lot. but waking up half retarded is not my idea of a good time. anyway.

i went to the improv in cityplace last night. it was HILARIOUS. whats this guys name… jake something… (www.jakethis.com).. he was a riot. i had too much to drink there. damn long islands kick the hell outta ya. i remember my card didnt accept when i tried paying the bill.. which really really pissed me off. i had to barrow money from a friend and although its not that big of deal i hate barrowing crap. so anyway. who knows why it didnt go through. i immediately checked to see if i had money in my account and it was plenty full. whatever.

i woke up at like 630 this morning feeling like i was raped and beaten. 4 hours of sleep is not enough for me… or anyone. and then going to work. ugh. alright. so im gonna take a nap today. its beautiful out. i should chill at the pool. or beach. beach. waves. hm.

im going to new jersey for five days next week. i leave tuesday get home saturday. im super pumped. ill be staying with my bro jeff at his shorehouse. HOLLA.

Act AS IF. the law of attraction. whatever fills your mind you will attract it. you know. vibrations and what not? like… positive thinking. if you think positivly all the time… how can negetive things happen to you? they cant. if you send out good vibes you’ll get good vibes in return. Act as if you got it together and you will have it together. i know its a little deeper than that but ive been thinking alot about that stuff lately and its good things for people who want to succeed to dwell on.

im so tired right now. im gonna nap.

i piss myself off. i dont like drifting through life. i like having a drive. i like having motives. i like creating and energizing. whenever i find myself drifting i really get down.

recently i realized i dont have a dream. my dads this motivational slash consultantant slash businessman slash a bunch of crap. anyway. he’s all about knowing what to do and doing it right. so ive recently become receptive to his methods seeing he’s always got where he wants to be and seeing how i never really get to where i wanna be i thought id be a good bit of sense to take his. anyway

we sat down and he started talking to me. and basically we were trying to figure out what i really want to live for, what my dreams are. what keeps me waking up, the thing that keeps me motivated and passionate. and for the damned of me i couldnt figure out what the hell my dreams were. i mean. what the fuck do i wanna do with myself. am i retarded. mike. what the F do you want from this life. i wanna help people. i wanna perfect my character to flawless…. and wait. as im saying these things i realize im afraid to say dreams that pop into my head. i have these fears that keep me from exploring the possibility of other dreams unexplored. i suppose i feel like im not qualified to have those dreams. maybe they arent something that people might approve of as being realistic. maybe i consider them unreal and they might change over night. ill tell you what. ive had this thing for writing. ive always wanted to be a writer. why? i suppose its an amazing tool that allows you to ultimately express oneself. hm. i dunno. maybe im catching on to something. ugh. what
the
fuck.

alright. this dream thing is gonna take me awhile to really unearth.

so like. the past week. lemme tell ya. its been pretty outta control. i mean. pretty outta control. ive really been loose on the whole drinking thing. most people (it seems to me anyway) dont think its a huge thing to drink five days in a row. i mean. the sound of it sorta makes you wanna judge. but then again most people do this and dont take the time to realize it. anyway anyway. i dont like the fact that ive been drinking so much. ive been able to go to the gym despite this little detail, but ive noticed that my training progress has suffered as a result. im not making the gains i expected the last week. hm.

ive really excommunicated myself from alot of people. ive become pretty picky as to whom i hang out. i guess for alot of reasons. but who knows. maybe i dont want to be influenced. maybe i just wanna pretect myself. maybe i would like to maintain my comfort level. i dunno. sometimes i consciously wanna lose my mind. ive done it so many times before. literally just given up on everything. myself people jobs school… and just reset my mind and become infatuated with rewriting my head with a routine and a mindset that allows me to express myself to the utmost farout creative level.

i really havent been feeling that great. its not that ive been feeling bad… im just going through the motions ive established for myself. i set up a routine for myself and now im just existing, constantly reminding myself that routine and discipline will teach me valuable lessons. but for some reason im beginning to doubt this train of thought and its very gloomy. i now find myself sort of lost and helpless. nevertheless i’ll remain sane and continue to seek alternative methods of satisfying my inner hunger for more. i need to regurgitate some verve in my life. id like to start thinking a bit more in depth and maybe a bit more abstractly once again. i abandoned that thinking awhile ago because no matter how soothing it was at the time to voice these revelations and discoveries, it made my life cluttered and too detailed to the point where i would begun questioning every thought and analyzing every detail. this made me a bit anxious. and my goal is life is to be anxiety free. that shit sucks. poop.

im tired. eating microwaved sweetpotatoes and chicken three times a day is already getting old. my goal is to put on some serious mass so all my energy and focus is being expended on that little objective. 185 is a goal of mine. 10lb increase. no too impossible. my work is so damn boring. jakes going to europe. im jealous as hell. oh shit. ive always wanted to do some martial arts and its gotten to the point where im tired of putting it off. it seems that this is the best opprotunity to try it out. ive got plenty of time on my hands and very limited commitments elsewhere. jeet kune do. thats the shit i wanna learn.

its wednesday night. no work tomorrow. im considering going out tonight. if i dont. i wont be upset for some reason. im really looking forward to seeing some waves soon. ive been so busy its hard to find time to surf. um. hurricane season. looking forward to the hurricanes. woot.