I’ve been mentally drained lately. I slept 15 hours yesterday… took a 4 hour nap today. I’ve been putting off all stress and shrinking from all academic pressure. I feel so confused. Confused in the sense that I’m at a loss. For words; for thoughts; for novel ideas. I feel empty. Like I’m lacking the necessary fuel to push me along. The fuel that helps me deduce my world and come to viable conclusions. I feel that all the knowledge I’ve gone out of my way to accumulate means nothing. Other times I feel that this isn’t the case. The optimistic side of me starts to speak up, telling me that everything I take into my senses, if I really took it in and it meant something to me, is still in there. Its in my brain somewhere, just waiting to come out. I just need the right stimulation. The right environment, or challenging problem to rub me the right way so my neurons can fire off and recall all that ‘knowledge’. I don’t know why I get so caught up in knowledge. I want wisdom. Knowledge comes and goes. Wisdom is what makes this world keep going. Its what to do with knowledge. Knowledge is just about equivalent with information. Its just stuff to recall and do. Wisdom. For some reason it rings divine. I feel that wisdom inspires and magnetizes. It draws people in and points you in the right direction. Its apart of your character.


Need to go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. I can feel the pressures of life… i feel like they’re beating on the windows of reality. I can hear them far off in the distance, like a roaring zombie mob. I just ignore it. I feel so cool. Collected. Calm. I know that I will be great. I need to push on. I feel reinvigorated. Life is taking on a new form.

I don’t even think when I type. I don’t know what the hell comes out of these fingers half the time. I have a judicial hearing tomorrow. Spooky. With the big dogs. Hoping that nothing will come of it. Petty petty stuff. Responsibility calls. Consequences await. Bed!


It’s hard to live in the present, taking in every moment like it’s expected, and reflect on your life with honest sincereity. I don’t know what it is I feel at the moment. Times closing in. I’ll be off in a few weeks. I’m not sure what the next two months hold in store. I’m not even sure if they’re what I really truly will be expecting. Its like being on a mouse wheel. You can only see what your next step is. You can’t see if coming up behind you, but you’ve done it enough times you can predict it with accuracy. Every step. I’m alright. Thats about it. Alright. And that’s alright. There is nothing to complain about. But I want something more. What is it? I’m not sure. It’s gotta be something. If everyone stopped lying to themselves for a moment, I think that everyone could honestly answer that they want more. That may not be the way life works, but it’s how I and everyone else on this planet works. We understand the varying degrees of gratification. The instant and the delayed. The delayed seems to be the only one with positive lasting results. You construct so much with the unsatisfied energy. I suppose I’m looking forward to the distant future. I don’t know what that looks like, and in the mean time I’ll be sitting here, working hard, dedicated to the goal, and all day long, be thinking about it. Wanting it now. I think this is where patience comes into play. You can’t beat time. Sort of unfortunate.
At any rate. What is it? I want something to fill me. I want something to make me feel rewarded every day. A woman? perhaps. A career? Maybe not even that. I’m in school maintaining whatever it is that’s typically expected of someone like me and the responsibilities I’ve resumed, and at times go far above and beyond the calling, yet I’m so bound to this sense of loneliness and emptiness. Its not even that I’m lost like I use to be. I know exactly where it is I’m going. Its just a very cold and long journey. I feel like I’m all by myself with the occasional comrade to relate to. They’re far and few between even when they are listening.
I’m tired. Last week of classes. *snore*