Dream Machine

A breeze flushes through the white columns upholding the latticed portico. Luscious green grass extends from the edge of the ceramic white stone. An azure pool, illuminated like sapphire stone, sinks in the geometric center of the long lawn. Towards the distant end of the rolling mall, dunes appear and continue for as long as the eye could see; their caliginous outline grips the horizon. Only a black stitching fractures the ceramic sand, and pale smoke rises from these tracks as an engine makes its way across the dry desert ocean. The bleating sun pulls moisture from my forehead. It sucks water from vegetation. The sprinklers reside in the earth, waiting for night to douse life into the struggling greenery.

“George,” my mother said “you need to get a handle on your loans. We’re no longer supporting you. Your uncle refuses to enable you any longer. What you need is good habits, and this will teach you to be wise with your money.”

A winding wind whips my cheek and I look up at my mother seated on her white weathered chair. She sits at a glistening crystalline table with a glass of wine perched casually in her left hand, rotated away from her. Her head is bent slightly forward and both eyes are waiting for me to respond. Blonde hair drapes gently across her brow and shivers softly in the hot humid breeze.

I turn and continue gazing beyond the green grass, over the blue pool, into the dry dunes. My gaze finds a setting sun. It is enlarged, engorged with fiery haze. Ribbons of heat ripple across its fading face.

My mother continues talking, “George. Do you hear me?” She is drunk with delusion. The heat had gotten to her, and the cruel cult she has been attending has left her utterly detached from reality. The wine softens her delusion, but her world still remains different from mine, still remains hers.

I stand from my chair and walk down the marble stairs and onto the green grass. I hear my mothers voice straining to gain my attention, growing red with irritation. I pretend not to hear. I don’t hear. My thoughts are with my uncle. I want to kill him. I want to kill him by escaping, by killing the idea of him, by fleeing forever. My feet reach the dry sand and I feel the heat penetrate through my shoes. I step and the sand absorbs my sinking shoe. I trudge on.

Moments pass and my eyes open and I am gripping a smooth obsidian-like stone situated on a rail car. Both my arms wrap around its gun metal gray polished exterior. A long line of rail road cars are loaded with these stones. The landscape streams past me and my balance is thrown. I adjust my knees. Suddenly I see my uncle climbing up a ladder; my heart grows cold, goes wretchedly resentful, like a punch in the stomach, but in the chest. It pains. I move away from him. The train is moving quickly. I eyeball the earth to calculate the trajectory of my landing, to measure the magnitude of my fall. Not now.

“George!” he yells. His voice contains a streak of sentiment, of desperation. His eyes furrow and squint, holding back emotion, but too cold to mean it. “Come back! Come back down here: you need to come home!” He yells against the wild wind. It howls past my ears. His words are biting and meaningless. My eyes narrow and I lift my arm and extend my phallic middle finger into the air and yell, “Fuck you!”

I am unsurprised when he accepts defeat. A mutual emotional silence hangs in the air and I sense a shrug in his eyes that says, “Well, I’ve done all I can do. He’s on his own now.” I resent him for his meager attempt to contact me. Why can’t I be on my own with my family? Why must I be apart of something and lose my will in the process? Why can’t we acheive a respectful balance of opinion? “Fuck you.” I say again, and leap from the moving railroad. I brace myself for impact.

I wake. Darkness envelopes my senses. My eyes adjust to the ceiling.

Always

There are no ifs ands or buts. I will refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I will not put limits on myself. I will succeed wildly. I will dream wildly. I am starving for achievement. I am a success. It is impossible that I will not succeed. I am positive. I am focused. I am driven. I am totally capable. There is nothing more I need than a firm resolve to actualize dreams. I will sacrifice anything. I will read, listen, watch, imagine, create, work, feel, suffer, and endure anything and everything I need to. I will stake my existence on making my dreams a reality. There is never a dream that is too big. The only limits we face are the ones we set for ourselves. I will succeed. I am a success. I have already begun. I pay no heed to the voices of mediocrity all around me. I am unfamiliar with failure. I am convicted to seeing my dreams through until they are a reality. I only see opportunity. There is no such thing as difficulty. I no longer stake the existence of my chief wants by gauging the difficulty of a task. Progress is the reward. No task is difficult if it leaves me closer to the things I want most.

There are controllables and there are uncontrollables. I am in control of a single aspect that dictates the success or failures of my life. My thoughts. I will choose only the most worthy. I will see my dreams as though they have already been accomplished. I will be the most successful person who as ever walked the earth, and if I am ever to play the part, I will need to act the part. No longer will I acknowledge the thoughts that don’t contribute to this aim. I will train myself and develop the habits of the person I hold myself to be. I will never let the standards for myself waiver. I have strong faith. I have tested belief. I am succeeding.

dreamm

if this is your life. why wouldnt you want to make it the happiest most creative positive joyful uplifting inspirational gleeful existance ever? why not try to do the best you can in every thing you take on. why wouldnt you think only the very best thoughts. thoughts that capture life and invigorate from the inside out; radiating through your eyes and illuminating the world around you, even enhancing the world for the people around you? i dont understand? why wouldnt you try to conjure the very best of those thoughts and actions? do you not know what that looks like and feels like? than why dont you search for it and try to find it? if it was under your nose, and it really is, you wouldn’t know unless you looked. why wouldnt you wake up every day excited to upturn another of lifes wonders? gosh. life is never always good. those hormones are never really reliable. but you can control one thing. and thats your thoughts. and you know what can change a mood pretty quickly? a single thought. i single word can change a mood for the better. so why why why dont you search for that word every day. that fleeting satisfying goodness that could sooth any ache the day could possibly lay in front of you. attitude. its all about that. our self talk. we need to improve it. have uplifting self talk.

im not an idiot. im not naive. im not ignorant of the troubles around us. or circumstances. I like to make my circumstances work for me. I like to be incontrol of my life. I cant control what happens to me, but i can control how i react and handle it. I am responsible for my life. I do not like the thought of circumstances and happenings controlling my mood and thoughts. i like to capture every thought and have it work for me in any circumstance.

i like to be an idealist. realists are just like everything else innate on this earth. idealist see what can be. realists see what is. what kind of world would we live in if no one ever dreamed. realists dont dream big. they dream small. i like to keep things in perspective, but you know what, the craziest people out there contributed the most creative material and ideas this world had seen. what if edison was a realist? or da vinci? or graham bell? or tesla? or marconi? or ford? or daimler? alexander the great? or i mean. even Jesus. idealist think of possibility. its easier to work with what we know, but unless we think of what could be how would we approach learning?

where is the hope?our minds can take us anywhere. create whatever reality we could possibly concieve for ourselves? DREAM.

What I Want

what i want
right now.. and i mean at this moment…i dont wanna know anyone. i wanna live in a hole and think and do what i want. and read. forever. and honestly drink coffee in a tree. or maybe on some moss surrounded by ferns. and continue reading into the day until i find myself in a flowery grassy meadow where the rivers gurgling is heard not too far off. and i can read and smoke a pipe. and drink tea. and sit under a great tree thats wide and full with life. and ill sit under it in the middle of a field. and maybe that girl will be waiting there. and we’ll sit there and read and reflect and have intelligent conversations. and not worry about time or anything like that. ill have a pocket watch(only for looks) and she’ll be wearing a white dress and ill only be wearing jeans. and ill have long blonde hair and she’ll have long flowing blonde hair. and there will be a path i follow home thats been trodden with barefeet all summer long. i want to be able to breath deep and with every last breath, savor the aroma of life all around me. the nectar and the blossuming flowers and the lush green leaves. i really want to get lost in a book. and nevermind the little bugs that fall onto the pages, but shoo them along and smile. i want to climb trees and pick apples and look at the beautifully pristine blue sky dotted with white cotton clouds and the suns soft rays. i want to look up at lively weathered trees as tall as sky scapers and run through the forest. i want to go home to a cozy cottage with all the necessities and none of the excessities;). i want to have a little wood stove and a little wood table with little wood stools and a little wood desk tucked away in the corner by the window. i want a library and a bedroom lined with decor from my adventures. there will be no wants or needs. i will provide for myself and her. and there will be no distractions. no image. no drama. no lies. no wants. no evil. nothing unecessary or distracting from living a simple and fulfilling life of happiness and the persuit of knowledge and wisdom. i want a pretty little woman with no selfish desires left because ive taken care of all her needs. because i love her. and she’ll love me.

and when i gather all the wisdom a man can carry ill go out into the world and share it with everyone. and everyone will listen because im wise and ill know how to appeal to the longings of their deepest desires.and they will know everything i say to be true because it will be the sweetest thing they’ve every heard. and ill share with them my secrets and many men will find true meaning and they will share this meaning as i have done. and slowly the world will become a better place.

until then. i need to focus on developing myself despite my circumstances so one day this might happen.

🙂