I want to think pretty. I would like my mind to turn on the pretty poetic thoughts. Every once and while I feel like I’m a genius. Don’t care if it’s true, I just wanna feel that way. Be really creative and just let out my bridled passions.
I always feel like i could do or be more…particularly when it comes to being creative and passionate. I want to produce art. I’ve been thinking about getting some paint and a canvas and just starting. Teach myself some acrylic or oil painting. I recognize its a difficult skill to pick up. I figure I can teach myself but, this probably won’t happen. I tell myself I have a pencil and paper and I should experiment with that more. That sounds more reasonable. And i have been… in my paper journal i’ve started sketching with my ink pens and graphite pencils… usually local scenery, whereever i’m journaling. I enjoy it.
I mentally want to engage. Emotionally I could care less. I tell myself I’m exactly where I want to be, cause if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here. I know that I sometimes think I don’t like where I’m at, but I know that I chose to put myself here… and i can choose to put myself somewhere else. Unless… and this may be whats happening… I am… settling. oh no. oh…oh no. Could it be? has michael been settling all these weeks? mayhaps! Oh well tho. My priorities are as they are.
I was looking as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I may be stuck at friendships. Dunno why. Or maybe sexual intimacy. or maybe not. Maybe i’m hung up at self esteem and confidence. Self actualization! I have ground to a halt.
I read someones blog and they mentioned how important enthusiasm for your life. *laughter and cheering* Their words struck me. I’ve been thinking about how vital enthusiasm is. When you’re enthusiastic, you let your soul fully breath. You let yourself spread out to absorb life’s radiant beauty. Heavy, restrictive thoughts fall away and you’re left with your naked self. The whole being of you. I like that idea. I always hold myself in. I almost feel like I’m suffocating myself. This steely reserved posture. I justify and say its my reserved nature, but thats crap. My nature is a wild boy who has consumed too many sweets and has a field of flowers to run through and frogs to run after. But that person is not well received.. in my mind anyway. Or maybe not for my audience? what the hell audience am i trying to entertaining? and, if thats the case, why at my expense? hmph. well… I shouldn’t. I always feel like there is a set standard. And their is… its the worlds expectations. Moreover, its the expectations you hold youself to. Often times, for me, i derive these from what i think people think of me. more crap.
I remember going through this a few years ago. I was strung out on alcoholic binges, sleep deprivation, and maintained an overall listlessness towards life. My friends were too. That was who I was in their eyes. I remember trying to escape their psychic pull… their judgments and subtle influence… but it was strong. I remember a time where i accepted my state… surrendering myself to who and what people thought I was, and what my past experiences indicated me to be. I also remember a time when I hit this new low… and in my youth these new lows were always new and low…. so I hit this new low… and I said… I hate myself… i hate where I am… and i hate that i’m not doing anything about it. One of the steps i took in changing who I was involved ridding myself of the majority of my friends… no one I could reference my old self to. I set out to form a new me… with new habits and a new frame of mind… new expectations for myself, what I was capable of, and where I was going. that was then.
Well… years later… I’ve evolved to my current state, and I feel as though I’ve hit a plateau. A combination of getting to a new level and being disoriented with this new place. Possibly misology?? I always try to pin point this confusion. I’ve been thinking, or use to think, that perhaps my rejection for a resolved faith in God has tipped some internal balance. I am not sure. I also thought that this new level would look differently. I also thought that I would be different… and I am. I just thought the effort would somehow, diminish as good habits accumulated. Not the case. Achievement is a difficult, strenuous journey every leg of the way. I do need to teach myself how to enjoy this journey though.