It’s hard to live in the present, taking in every moment like it’s expected, and reflect on your life with honest sincereity. I don’t know what it is I feel at the moment. Times closing in. I’ll be off in a few weeks. I’m not sure what the next two months hold in store. I’m not even sure if they’re what I really truly will be expecting. Its like being on a mouse wheel. You can only see what your next step is. You can’t see if coming up behind you, but you’ve done it enough times you can predict it with accuracy. Every step. I’m alright. Thats about it. Alright. And that’s alright. There is nothing to complain about. But I want something more. What is it? I’m not sure. It’s gotta be something. If everyone stopped lying to themselves for a moment, I think that everyone could honestly answer that they want more. That may not be the way life works, but it’s how I and everyone else on this planet works. We understand the varying degrees of gratification. The instant and the delayed. The delayed seems to be the only one with positive lasting results. You construct so much with the unsatisfied energy. I suppose I’m looking forward to the distant future. I don’t know what that looks like, and in the mean time I’ll be sitting here, working hard, dedicated to the goal, and all day long, be thinking about it. Wanting it now. I think this is where patience comes into play. You can’t beat time. Sort of unfortunate.
At any rate. What is it? I want something to fill me. I want something to make me feel rewarded every day. A woman? perhaps. A career? Maybe not even that. I’m in school maintaining whatever it is that’s typically expected of someone like me and the responsibilities I’ve resumed, and at times go far above and beyond the calling, yet I’m so bound to this sense of loneliness and emptiness. Its not even that I’m lost like I use to be. I know exactly where it is I’m going. Its just a very cold and long journey. I feel like I’m all by myself with the occasional comrade to relate to. They’re far and few between even when they are listening.
I’m tired. Last week of classes. *snore*
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William Dare 