Tag: ranting

-Taphs

Libraries are nothing more than tombs filled with epitaphs and eulogies of great men. The living flock to universities to find some common truths among the confusion that can provide some unifying meaning, e pluribus unum- out of many, one. Men spent their lives entertaining fancies about their ephemeral existence and the ether in which they swim.

I rack my brain thinking about life’s questions. Just when I abandon the pursuit and turn away, I find myself faced with even more vexations. I cannot run. Its as if I am suppose to walk in the darkness and knowingly tread on unfamiliar ground. I want to be sure, but there is no security.

blah blah blah. where are my muses?? inspire me! I can’t wait to start school. I need challenge. I need some social exposure, some stimulation.

I am free. I have to remind myself of the bigger picture. Sometimes I tend to lose sight of why I’m doing what I’m doing. I have to remind myself that I am free and that the actions I’m undertaking are a result of a prior choice made on free will. My continual commitment of that choice, reflected through daily disciplines, is apart of a greater freedom I’m seeking to achieve. I cannot forget the prize. When running a marathon, or any great race with great rewards, I suppose its easy to forget why your running. I must not lose sight of the finish line, even if I cannot see it. I must visualize what it looks like to finish victoriously and strong.

**

I’m always trying to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses. Just when I think I feel that I’ve mastered progress in a particular subject, I’m humbled by the realization that I don’t know anything at all.

***

All day long I contemplate what I must do and hesitate to do it. I just want to be. Life is a choice. It’s about the moment. Its about choosing to let go of your past, consider the future, and live in the present. I choose to be content, fulfilled and joyful. I appreciate the current situation. I am grateful for who I am and what I have.
***

Why do i consider so much? Why can’t just let go. Forge ahead and blaze new thoughts, relationships, realities.

higher

Damn this world. Meaning. All I’ve strive to accomplish and for what? At the end of the day I’m still pitted against the vacuum of emptiness, a void. Where is the meaning? The pursuit of meaning just might be more meaningful than the goal I’m reaching to attain.

Where is my mind? Despite all the philosophers of antiquity, all the poets past and present, no matter how eloquently stated- nothing remains certain. No matter how much is written, no matter how long the debates rage, there is still little evidence that the life of an individual is worth any more now than when he started. Even after examining the assets accumulated, the people touched, the love kindled, one is still forced to face the ultimate reality which nullifies all efforts- death. This is a nihilistic state that I’m literally dying to escape.

So I’m faced with the care of my direction. All my energy has seemed to have left my limbs, the muses departed, leaving me with the reflection of a boy, scared and alone. I once cherished the kindled relationships with other human spirits above any other ideal. Now there seems to be a shallow reality that they are as lost as I. Meaning…

I’m trying to adopt a different tone. This nihilistic feeling leaves me powerless. I’m learning to shun the idea of expecting anything from life, but embrace the expectations that life holds for me. That may be the only escape from this mental torture.

I’ve sabotaged my integrity with illogical optimism. I need to regain footing and stand again with a renewed sense of purpose. I need to be confident in my ability to reach swelling heights of achievement. I am here and, like a tree, I will never question how high I am destined to grow.

write more later.