you dont know me

you dont know me

I felt like typing and sharing a lot:

know yourself. Know your goals. Dont look around you when youre trying to get somewhere. It slows you down and you get sidetracked. Look around when you get there. I promise it’ll be a far better view.

I dont recommend investing your time in people who dont know you and you dont know. Im not saying its not worth it on occasion, and every once in a great while you might find yourself someone whose very compatible, genuine and caring, but by and large your wasting your time. They pull you down. Very rarely do they bring you up. And the people who are good for you, they dont need you around. You need them around. They dont owe you anything. You need to strive to be like them. You need to make yourself a better person so that maybe you can contribute to their life like they contribute to yours.

Know yourself. I’ve dealt with addiction. Massive addictions. That range from thoughts, to substance, to people. Ive failed miserable and hit bottom more than most people even can dream about. The last six years of my life have been… a learning experience. I could say absolute hell, but what kind of attitude would that be. It would be accepting the bad. And I dont see it as that anymore. I see it as Ive learned through my mistakes what works, what doesnt. (ThankGod) what it takes to get yourself from point A to point B and everything in between. I was dysfunctional for most of high school. When I say dysfunctional I mean, my head was in the clouds. I obsessed over materialistic, tangible resources that led me down a horrible path of destruction. I have done it all. Ive succeeded at a monumental level; Ive failed at a disgraceful level. Not many people realize the peaks and valleys of my life. Not normal whatsoever. But who is. I’m not some overly vain kid whose got it figured out and thinks that my life deserves anymore attention than anyone else on the earth, cause thats the farthest from the truth. Instead Im saying that Im proud that Ive learned from my misfortunes. If I didnt I would be where I was in the beginning. Lost. Confused. Fearful. Desperate. Selfish. Slowly dying. Im actually saying that I feel for people that dont learn the first time.

It took me awhile to grasp the concept of learning from your mistakes. I thought that I always had the right idea; I just took the wrong plan of action. And Id repeat the same idea, and fail time and time again. Getting worse and worse. I was lost in severe depression for a great deal of my adolescent life. I struggled with sever suicidal ideation and severe self mutilation for years. I was institutionalized far too many times. I was actually committed by the state for months and months, which cost me dearly in high school education. Ive been in inpatient. Outpatient. More psychologists and more psychiatrists than you can find in the yellow pages. Ive been prescribed EVERY medication know to man for anxiety, depression, bipolar/manic depressive behavior, delusional behavior, ADD. I self medicated in between. Cause nothing really worked. I became addicted to pretty much… you name it. I fell in love with every drug. Mixed and matched them all. Ive been in love with all drugs. Save a few (thank god). And only because I didnt have those connections. I tried everything. I didnt know who I was or what I was doing on this earth for the longest time. I was disillusioned. I was handicapped. Totally lost in my mind. I had no idea what to do with myself. Ive had the misfortunes of being homeless. Poor. Starving. I was put in a position to contradict my character and morals with out of control behavior. Ive been in fights, brawls, cheap shots, jumps. The good, bad, justified, unjustified, rational, and irrational.
And all these things Ive repeated multiple times in one way of another.

On the contrary, Ive been an A student. Ive achieved academically and have been very successful. Honors and advanced placement throughout high school. Etc. Ive thought outside the box most of my life and have been rewarded for it. Been chosen to represent class opinions, Ive been in countless clubs, student government. Ive been a winning athlete whos competed at state levels in pretty much every sport Ive tried. Ive mastered the arts, I was a year round athlete my entire life, save the last two years of high school. Ive been to three high schools in three states. I attended an all boys military boarding school. I lived on my own for a year my sophomore year there. It taught me invaluable lessons and discipline. I excelled tremendously there. Being rewarded for your efforts was always my goal.

Ive moved 12 times in six states and attended 11 different schools. (6 elementary, 2 middle, 3 high schools… but maybe 4 or 5 if you want to include the classrooms provided in the institutions.. and outpatient) a lot of schools. A lot of people. A lot of relationships. I must say, as an important interjection to better understand my upbringings… I had two of my closest friends commit suicide. I had a suicide pact with one of my best friends. He died. my close family, childhood, and high school friend also died by his own hand less than four years later. Both by hanging. I was raised in a fascist Christian militaristic household with rules and repercussions. With the motto “if it hurts, its cause we love you” constant strife within the house. My father on top of never being there due to his workaholic 80 hour a week work habits was the household disciplinarian. I translate: torture and cruel and unusual punishment. Relationships within the house were nonexistent. He is an incredible brilliant man. Graduated from the United States naval academy with a bachelor’s in Aerospace engineering. aka. Rocket scientist. Hes worked for multi billion dollar corporations, headed multi million dollar businesses, owned successful small businesses. Hes consulted all types of companies. And is on his constant search for infinite wealth. Investing is where its at. Hes tried real estate, and now hes trying the most successful money making business Network marketing. All this being said…. hes a blind, self righteous, bastard. He doesnt know his family. Hes insensitive and he works every waking moment. Why. Who knows. And he doesnt care about any of this cause… its not true. Hell argue… but thats apart of the selfrighteousact. Anyway….. My mother was loyal and supportive. And still is. They have both simmered down, a miracle, but due largely to the fact that their son was slowly dying and they were no help.

Ive been involved in and out of relationships and women my whole life. Always looking for someone to make me happy. Never happened.
Ive fallen in true utter love only once in my mind. It pains me to see that I gave myself to that person for so long. The best and worst feelings in my life. I suppose I put my faith in that person…which was a horrible thing to do. Too much pressure for them. My head wasnt on straight. I was crazy and looking for love and happiness. I searched for women that would fill my void. I wasnt real. I didnt know who I was. I was super selective with who I became attracted to. I always learned to love them. And it was always based on the publics approval. But once upon a time I saw this girl. And I instantly knew she would be mine. I told my parents the day I saw her. I was in love from the start. Needless to say it was messy from the beginning. Wasnt meant to be I suppose. I never felt so good in my life when I was with her. I loved her more than Ive ever loved any girl in comparison. I still love her. I forgive her for everything. Shes awesome. Love hurts though. The worst part about it is loving someone that much… and realizing you should let them go. And letting them go. And pushing them because it hurt so badly. All willingly out of love. They deserved the best and I knew I wasnt that for them. At that time anyway… anyway….

moving on…

anyway. The past few years, more specifically the past year, Ive learned more about myself than ever before. And in part due to my willingness to succeed… but more importantly… be content and happy and joyful. And after years of failing I realized I was doing something wrong. I am realizing you have a responsibility to yourself. You cant sell yourself short. If you do. You will always… be unhappy. Dont settle for the now. Dont worry about what you have to have now. Worry about what your going to need in the future… cause your gonna want it… and the pain the regret weighs tons compared to the pain of discipline which weighs ounces in comparison.

God has played an incredible role in my life. Without him I am a lost. He is my comfort, my joy, my guidance, my security, my confidence. My everything. I am utterly lost without him. I would be alone in the dark by myself. I always thought it was about structure and rules and sins and punishment and RELIGION. ew. That scares me.

Now I wont get into it… ill save it for another Blog… but…

ive come to realize its just about having Faith. Faith that he is real and all powerful, all knowing, all loving. Omnipotent. Omniscient. Omnipresent. And when you put your faith into him… you start a relationship. If you believe in the relationship… your life will be changed forever. God is Good.

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