Dreary day. I slept in today. It felt good to lay in bed and listen to the pitter patter of the rain. I could feel the soft cool air drift in through the window. It felt good over my warm body. I laid in bed all morning. Thinking. I had a dream last night… it lasted the whole night. It was continuous. I visited wonderful places in the woods, met with people, developed relationships and watched giant bridges and sky scrapers fall. Eventually I had to get up. Everything is far out at the moment. Its at this point of the semester that I forget what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Life is so easy if I just go with the flow and attack the things I want. Why I refrain from these desires is beyond me. I construct imaginary boundaries and limitations all around myself. Knowing they’re there isn’t an answer, although I like to think it is. I’m sitting in my empty economics class. I arrived an hour early to look over my notes before the test. My eyes just glance over material. Meaningggggg whattt the fuccckkkk. Pick yourself up mike. Whaaa. I spread myself tooo thin this semester. but did I? I can handle it. I know I can. This is a joke. All these responsibilities… projects.. deadlines… a JOKE! Academics… A JOKE! I can fly through this stuff. I don’t know what to make of it all.
I have a sizable stack of books sitting on my desk… not course related.. just free time reading. I need to finish these books. I get overwhelmed and become paralyzed. I hate when I talk like this. It makes me feel weak. I need to recondition my self talk. Life is best when you are moving. Action cures fear, cures procrastination. ALLL that disappears if you act. Apply myself to a goal.
I wish I had something important to think about or talk about. I feel like I haven’t challenged myself in a while. I’m looking for some of that. Vermont gets ugly this time of year. Today is rainy… gray as hell. Wet, sloppy, soggy, muddy. All the trees are becoming bare. The rain stripped their last coat of leaves. My days are monotonous. I try escaping by becoming lethargic. I lay around for a few hours here… play guitar for a few hours there. What the hell. I want more. WOWWWWWWWWW.
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I need out of vermont. Gosh. I should be content with where I’m at, right? WRONG! I need to get the fuck outta here. Then theres the part of me that says… you need to be happy with where you’re at before you move on. BULL. I have desires… when they aren’t met… there is a dissonance that leaves me unsettled. Thats good feedback. This emotional turmoil is a result of my desires not being met. Aight.. class in 10 min.