Depressed might not be the word for it. I’m numb. I haven’t worked out in a while.. about 3 weeks. That may be playing a significant part. Maybe its the 6 hours of daylight I see daily. Its getting colder, everything is getting grayer, and more lifeless. Schoolwork is increasing, leisure seems like a luxury. My heart has abandoned my mind, leaving it to roam where it shouldn’t. Dark corners and deep recesses, mulling and brooding over insignificant matters. Lifeless. Void of emotion. I am detached. Everything is fragmented. My thoughts are not complete. My direction is vague and irresolute. The flame that burns within me, the passion that wants to desperately devour more and more, has dwindled to a mere ember, barely thriving. Everything seems so superficial and mundane. There are no answers that I am content with. No secure direction.
Sunshine is a precious commodity. It is rare and when it shines, it’s rays coldly shine for a few brief hours before a carpet of clouds strangle its radiance. The landscape is completely pallid. People are not smiling. There is no hoping for better days. The mountains provide high walls for our imaginations. It confines and suffocates. We have the trees and our books. Together we offer no community. We are all floating islands in this sea of confusion. We aimlessly float and bump into one another before drifting off to be left with our own thoughts once again.
My schoolwork is boring. Its hallow and trivial. Classrooms are simply labs where professors try their best to impress their passions into the withered cavities once filled with colorful imagination and zeal.
It’s getting colder. Cold. Cold. Every man is my adversary. No one wants whats best for me. Their idea is skewed with their false experiences. Only I know whats best for me. And ‘best’ is my decision.
I almost feel that ungirded passion is more important that constructed logic. It ignites and flows and is satisfying. For the time being anyway. Passion is alive, but shortsighted. Logic is dry and lifeless, but it is resilient and stable.
I want to blaze! I want to burn like a billion of the hottest stars!