Her

“Set your sights high, the higher the better. Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now. Realize that nothing is too good. Allow absolutely nothing to hamper you or hold you up in any way.”
— Eileen Caddy

So I talked to my ex girl friend of five years on Friday. Do I still love her? Do I still feel a flood of emotions when I hear her voice? Yes. We only talked for twenty minutes and most of what we talked about was mundane and routine: how is your family? what’re you up to? where are you working? any boyfriends? etc. Nonetheless, I love her. One day I’d like to get to know her again. what do I mean by love her? I mean, my body goes weak, I get nervous, I want to be by her side whenever I think about her. That’s how that goes down.

I’m a different person than I was five years ago. I know she is too. I don’t hold anything against her. I don’t pretend to know who she is these days. I only remember who she use to be. And I hope that’s not how she remember’s me. I was batshit outta my mind when I was in highschool. Nowadays I only talk that way. I’m not actually bat shit crazy (debateable). Nevertheless.

I want to see her again. I want to fly her up to new england and see all the beautiful lush green mountains. I want to take her to a island with a cabin on the lake and spend a day or two getting to know who she’s become since we last left off. I’m going to call her monday and tell her I’m buying her a plane ticket and ask her what days work best for her. If she says she can’t do it, well, I have nothing to lose. I will be in Nashville, she’ll be in Orlando. I don’t have anything to do with her. It doesn’t matter to me. I just know how I felt about her at the age of 17, 18, 19… and even now, even though we haven’t spoken in almost two years.

So I want to fly her up here. She said she’s never been to new england. One of the few places she hasn’t been she says.

Man. xxx. We’ll see. She’s a free spirit. Does whatever. I just wanna take care of her and love her and such. Ever since I’ve decided to make myself into a better person its her I think about as the driving reason. One day I want to feel that strongly again. I know that if I can’t be with her, I want it to be with someone who is even better, or at least someone I’m prepared to deal with. I’m tired. And drunk. and hooka’ed out. night.