Ending

Damhán, we cannot. It’s unhealthy. We both know it. It’s our personalities. Not something we can control. We both know it. It’s endless drama. It’s a vicious cycle. We are both broken people. And we do not lift each other up. The theme is clear. I have given it all I have. You have given it all you have. It’s a dead horse. The fundamentals of a healthy relationship are missing. Of course it will be hard. We are codependent on each other. It’s a complete mess. But it’s in both of our interest. I believe that. You will not forgive me no matter what. Things have been said. Things have been done. I quite honestly just want us to both be happy and healthy. Selfishly, and yes, this is completely thinking of my interests: I need someone who is more sensitive. I need someone who can empower me. I want to feel special. I want to feel wanted. I want to support someone and have them support me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt. It’s just been ugly for no reason. You say I don’t listen, I don’t try, I don’t care. It’s just the end. I don’t really want to discuss it. I’m tired of hot and cold. I’m tired of feeling crazy. Feeling responsible for everything. I’m over it. We’re both over it. You will always resent me. You will never trust me. We thought we knew what we were getting into, but we didn’t realize how hard. We just focused on what we wanted to see. Does it break my heart? Yea. It’s sad. It’s hard. But that’s life. It makes you stronger.

I am not interested in working things out. I’m not interested in continuing the cycle. It’s like endless. I am always wrong. I am always coming up short. You loath me. You detest me. The slightest thing sets you off. I get mixed signals. And you know, maybe I do it too. But i know I don’t want it. And I think you don’t want that. I tried. Do I care if you see how much I tried? Nope. I can’t make you see how invested I was.

We are incompatible. We both tried. We really did. But the end is the end. I never ever wanted to feel like I did in our last relationship, and I do. I feel exactly the same. I feel crazy. I feel unstable. I feel confused. I feel like I walk on eggshells. I don’t feel any love from you.

I don’t like any of those feelings. I don’t like not knowing how you really feel. I’m done trying to please you. I’m done taking all the blame and responsibility. I’m done feeling like the only person I can rely on doesn’t know my heart. Doesn’t trust me. And I don’t trust them.

It’s clear it’s unhealthy. We agreed this second time around that we didn’t want this, and it’s come to this. I’ve racked my brain. I’ve been going to therapy 1-2x a week since we started. I was willing to give up my biggest passion for you to make this work. It just doesn’t matter.

At this point, there’s no use pointing fingers. We’re both to blame.

But this much is certain: it’s not going to work. We need to respectfully move on.

I don’t want things getting worse. And it has. I don’t want things blowing up like last time.