prattle

Me: Damhán and I argued again tonight. It’s endless. Makes me think weird shit when we argue about what seems like nothing. Then I end up over reacting and it blows up and my the bad guy and she’s the victim. It’s whack. Fight for no reason. Something small ignites for no reason. To her it’s a big reason. And I guess I get that way too. It’s like. I am sorry. You are taking this too personally. I didn’t mean to offend you or hurt you. And to her, I’m totally selfish, and I’m thinking about myself and not her feelings. It’s hard. I took like as much responsibility as I could for our arguing. I know it’s 50/50 always. But she doesn’t think I did. She thinks I need to take more, that she tries enough. And I’m like “I don’t know how to try harder. Please meet me half way. This is the best I got, I love you and I’m sorry. My intention and heart isn’t trying to hurt you”

Friend: Golly.. Idk man. It just seems like a mess. Y’all have been trying and trying and failing. I just don’t think y’all are cut out for each other long term. Just my honest opinion as your buddy. It seems like so much work and things are good then they crumble yet again. 

Me: Yea. It’s weird. It’s not good. I want it to be good. But God I don’t even know. It’s confusing 

Friend: There’s a certain number of times I feel like things deserve a fighting chance. Perhaps y’all have exhausted all your fighting chances

I dunno. Maybe. I feel trapped really. Mentally and physically. It’s confusing. It’s a helpless feeling. I think it’s fucked. But apart of me wants to believe it can get better. And when it’s good it’s great. End the cycle forever,

But it’s like. What’s been done is done. Damage has been done. And as long as we hold onto that, and think that’s a good enough reason not to be with the other, then it’s over

It’s hard to forgive and forget. And that’s what kills a relationship. Cause it gets harder and harder to move on and move past it. I mean. I guess it doesn’t have to be. But it does. I swear. I feel crazy in this relationship. It’s not just me. I wish it was. But I am trying. And it still is crazy. 

Friend: You are not crazy. The relationship is. I’ve seen y’all try and work. And honestly it doesn’t seem like it ever will.