Übel

I can love you and know what you are. But what is within you is pure evil. Everywhere you go you leave destruction and hurt and heartache. You are broken, and you want to break others. You feel used, so you want to use others. You lie to others because you lie to yourself. All you do is take from others because you feel like so much has been taken from you. You do not know how to forgive anyone, because you live in shame and do not know how to forgive yourself. Your entire life you’ve only thought about yourself, because you’ve never learned to think about others. You do not know how to love, because you never accepted true love. You love because you need someone or something. You stop loving when you don’t need them.

I needed you, because I loved you. Not the other way around. You loved me, because you needed me.

I ended the relationship because you were toxic. You never gave, only took. You do not know how to think of anyone but yourself. And your entire life is a show. It is a huge facade. You are terrified of being found out how dark you are inside, how lonely and unloved you feel. You try filling your emptiness with men, money, status, image, drugs, success. But nothing will ever be enough for you. You will try your entire life, and never be enough. You will fake your entire life, but never feel genuine. Never feel enough. Never do enough. You will never feel adequate or loved by anything you do.

But you ARE loved. You are LOVED. But you cannot see the love. You cannot accept the love. You are too hurt, too angry, too broken, too proud. You run all your life. You think you can solve your problems with worldly things, with image, with carnal pleasures and indulgences, but you never will.

As long as you refuse to accept self love and acknowledge your brokenness and imperfection, you will always be unhappy, and there will always be a darkness inside of you, and people will see it, and good people will run, and evil people will commiserate with you, and you will always be alone, paranoid, skeptical, unsafe, insecure. You will always have dark secrets and secret shame. Your life will always be a lie. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.

All you need to do is seek for truth, seek love, surrender to it, forgive yourself, and accept the gift of life, and you will be transformed. You will find joy and peace and happiness and tranquility. You will feel safe, you will feel secure, you will feel loved, and you will never feel alone again.

You need to do nothing but accept the gift. It’s already yours. You cannot work for it, you cannot earn it, you cannot find it. It is within you. And it is waiting. When you are exhausted from running, from faking, from trying, from selling yourself out, from living a life of darkness in secret, when you are broken and exhausted and worn and have nothing and no one… Only then, I’m afraid, will you understand that it has nothing to do with you. And you will understand true love. And you will look back and understand the few people in your life who truly loved you, despite what you did. I will always love you. But I cannot have you in my life. Not now. Not until you have found the truth, and accepted the love, and asked for forgiveness.

I gave you all I had to give, and it almost broke me. I cannot permit you to ruin me. My life is far too valuable. Far too precious. For all that I gave to you, I want nothing in return. I want nothing in return. I love you, and I am letting you go. You need to struggle and suffer before you can understand that you will never do enough to be enough. You have to hit bottom again and again before you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Only in those moments will you find salvation and peace and joy for your soul. I hold no grudges. I desire the best for you. I always have. And I always will. You cannot hurt me. Your words cannot harm me. I will always forgive you. I will always understand your heart. And I will always be thinking of you.

I wish you the best. I hope one day you will arrive at this peace. And I hope I can see you a transformed person.

Life is about love. And love is about accepting and giving.

Nothing in this world will satisfy you. You will never have enough or get enough, because it’s not what you get, it’s what you give.

That is love. And love is life.