Au Temn

The first thoughts that enter my mind when I’m about to journal are always, I should be writing more.

I’ve been reflecting the past year how I need to restart the habit of writing. I need to document my life and reflect on my current circumstances.

I have a baby. I work like a maniac. I say maniac because I my waking life is dominated by thoughts of work, my goals, my ambitions, to-do’s, problems I’m trying to solve. I should definitely write more often just to externalize all the little puzzles or plans or strategies or lists or actions I’m meditating on all the time.

My incessant thoughts of work are punctuated by moments with my baby boy, or the weekend.

I’m not working out, and I don’t have hobbies. I read an hour or two in the evening, but that’s about it. I wake up around 6 or 630, or when the baby wakes up. I am usually exhausted from being woke throughout the night by the baby, so I linger in bed, checking my work emails and Messages and responding. If there is a pressing matter I rise form bed and go to my office and begin working. But usually I wait til about 15-30 minutes before my first meeting to get up and shower and get dressed. I always have coffee, though sometimes it’s after my first few meetings, and occasionally eat breakfast. Christina has been making me breakfast lately and it’s hit or miss if I eat it before lunch or at all.

I spend all day working at my desk, in virtual meetings or doing work on my computer or making phone calls.

If I have a few minutes between meetings and work, and I can afford to step away, I exit my office and look for Christina and baby to be with them a bit and play with the baby, maybe eat a bit.

Otherwise I am 100% working until 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 or 8, and even when I manage to pull myself from my desk, I find myself tying up loose ends on my phone via email or messages.

Usually we eat dinner between 6-7 and baby gets a baby and goes down to bed between 7-730. Christina will stay with him until he falls asleep and occasionally she falls asleep herself, so she’ll come back down between 8-9.

I occasionally steal away to my office during this time to work.

I go back and forth between having several beers as I wind down, or abstaining from alcohol for weeks on end.

I haven’t been exercising. Perhaps a lack of will and motivation. I am rather disgusted with myself. But I feel that my sole obsession is work.

I believe my annual goal is $5M and I’m currently at $3.5M, I believe. If by some miracle I can bill $10M I get a $1.7M bonus. If I hit my $5M, I get $55k. If I get $6M I get $110k, and $7M is $220k, and so on. Of course I want to hit $10M. But that is roughly 60 consultants billing at $183/hr the next six months, and I currently have about 20, so I will need to add 40. That is possible, but it means I need to get them billing by December 1st.

I also need to figure out how to place 40 consultants in the next 6 weeks. I have about 10-15 in mind, so that leaves another 25-30 that need to find a home.

At any rate, I am hungry. Voracious. I want to makes millions. More than that, I want to transform our company by the business I bring in. I want to be a rainmaker. I want to learn how to close $100M deals. I want to find huge opportunities and close them. Land and expand. This is what keeps me up at night. How can I perform better, deliver better, speak more intelligently, persuade, influence, motivate, produce.

I want to 10x my goals. If my goal is $5M, I want $50M. If I have an average bill rate of $183, that’s 131 consultants billing full time for a year. How to make that happen. Which opportunities? That’s what I need to figure out. How to solution, how to influence and persuade and negotiate and close and repeat every day.

I know this all sounds boring, but all I can think about is affording to give my family a comfortable I life full of opportunity and happiness, and I also feel that if someone else can do it, then I can do it in a bigger way.

I was into gardening, I am still am. I built a pretty impressive garden. Probably more than 50 variety of fruits and vegetables. Perhaps 70 or 80 even. At peak it was yielding 20+ lbs of food a week. Maybe 3 or 4 five gallon buckets of produce.

I don’t even have a specific existential problem I’m working out. No real hobbies. Nothing interests me but cracking this professional puzzle. I recognize I’m probably playing the wrong money game working for other people. But I also view this game as a competitive game, and there is huge opportunity to learn and advance, and very little guard rails on what it means to succeed. I can provide consultants for pretty much any business need.

An unspoken goal of mine is to figure out how to dominate this sales/consulting game, then graduate and get picked up by the big leagues… McKinsey, BCG, Bain. But that’s probably some ego driven desire rather than a decision of utility. I think it’s mostly to prove to myself that I can compete with whoever I need to. I’m fairly sure I’ll need an MBA to be considered. But another part of me thinks that my company is flexible enough to accommodate my ambitions, and allow me to craft a model that would allow me greater success. Because we’re publicly traded, however, I’m skeptical at the upside. Corporations always put shareholders first, and seem to cap total upside.

My focus has been on technology projects. I need to master this. What are the biggest, most expensive corporate initiates? That’s what I need to focus on.

I would like to start working out again. I wouldn’t mind being ripped and healthy and in shape. But I literally don’t care as much as I care about mentally devoting myself to solving the puzzle of work.

What do I want to learn?

Feel like I’m am obsessively trying to learn things at work. I need to continue to be disciplined about what I’m learning. Ask questions. Internalize. Learn. Embody. Incorporate.

I’ reading the Arms of Krupp by William Manchester. Love that author. Great book. About 1/3 of the way through. Fascinating biography/ history of the Krupp family, continental Europe, industrialization and manufacturing, the military industrial complex, business, and politics.

I should want more from life besides work and family, no? Is there room for individuality? As I grow older the less important this seems. But I also feel less and less interesting.

I feel rather one dimensional. My life feels uninterrupted, as if one continuous line, deep and bold, but no contours, even with the occasional vacation and visit from friends. Life seems flat, but it also feels secure and meaningful and stable. It doesn’t feel exhilarating, except at the prospect of dominating work and making millions. But it feels fulfilling, and I don’t feel lonely. My heart feels full.

I still fantasize about possibilities, but by and large I have emotionally and intellectually committed to this journey of family, and have accepted the responsibility of tempering these fantasizes, and enjoying the present moment with the relationships I value most

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