Author: William

Jenn

A message I sent to Jennifer:

Hey Jen,

I was going to send you a letter, but you’ve fallen off the map recently and I haven’t a clue where I’d mail it. For all it’s worth, I decided to send it via facebook. My intention is only to say hello and thank you. I hope it finds you well.

Michael

10-10-10

This is one of those letters that you send only because the unwieldy passions of youth come back to get the better of you.

Six years ago I looked you in the eye, and with all the earnest zeal in my body, I swore that I would come back for you on October 10th 2010, and we would reconvene no matter where we were in life. Do you remember that? Since then, we have fallen distant over the years, and lead vastly different lives. I figured I could commemorate that pact, at least with myself, in a letter.  I hope you receive it well.

I’d like you to know that you’ve had an enormous impact on my life. You found me at a moment when my life had picked up only briefly, only before spiraling downward and out of control once more. During our tryst, you provided me with some powerful memories, feelings, and experiences that afforded me with some of the most precious fuel for my recovery. When I was homeless and strung out and bitter with the world, which I often was, I could recall few glimmers of joy in the world that were powerful enough to lift my spirits and thoughts to loftier dreams. What joys I do remember, however puerile they seem now, were the memories of an indescribable, irrational, brilliant love for you. What pained me most was the thought of damaging that love, which I most definitely and often did.

There was a day that I made a decision to put the past behind me, embrace responsibility for my success and failures, and dream brilliantly. I made a commitment to become someone who was worthy of the love I had for you. I told myself, ‘I know I will love someone like this again, and when I find them, I want to love them with all that I am, with all that I am capable of being.’ From then on, I began to see life in possibility, and I began to dream wildly. While there were other motivators that I chose to lift me up, such as a renewed appreciation for my family and all the people who believed in me, I specifically remembered my acute feelings for you. They provided the fuel for action. When difficulties and hardship arose, I thought of the love I once felt for you and the pain I believe I caused you. Slowly, I have brought myself closer to my ideals.

It’s not often that I think of our time together anymore. Every once and awhile I’ll catch myself reminiscing with nostalgia, and look back on our teenage love; it is then that all its private joys come to mind. I can still manage to seek solace in such superannuated memories. While I like to think I’ll always know you, I know that we’re different people now. We haven’t talked in years. When we do talk, it seems the intimacy I believed we once knew so deeply has been lost to time.

I’d like to say, I never knew how to apologize for any pain I caused you. I was too ashamed and guilty. Most of all, I didn’t want to rehash any pain, any memories or resentment I may have caused you. I want you to know now, that I am truly sorry for my reckless years. I pained many people, and it still pains me. I seek every day to overcome the demons of the past.

I also want to thank you. If I hadn’t met you, if you hadn’t found me, I may have never known a love so powerful as ours. I attribute it as a large part of my success as a person today.

I recall an evening on the phone with you, late 2006. It was late in the evening, and you phoned me on a random chance occurrence. Who knows why? I remember telling you, against my biting conscience, that I was going to be successful, and that I was going to do it as a tribute you, not as an attempt to recapture what was lost, but as a tribute to the power of love.

I could go on with stories or thoughts, but I’m afraid I have been overly sentimental as it is. I do hope the absolute best for you, Jennifer. I once told you I’d always love you. I still do.

Love always,

Michael

Expunging thoughts

I studied philosophy of language all day.  Prior to today I had only a vague understanding of the material. It seemed too abstract and intuitive to take seriously. I’m looking forward to learning about the significant consequences that the philosophy of language has on the subjects of metaphysics, hermeneutics, phenomenology, and logic made by the contributions of these philosophers.

I’m pretty fried at the moment. While I went out briefly last night, I didn’t drink. I also stayed in all day today and missed out on tailgating and partying with all the families that came to visit for parents weekend.

My mind is hypersensitive. Whatever stimulation I throw at it inevitably consumes me; I get lost in preoccupation and lose sight of anything that isn’t immediate. Juggling too many tasks and responsibilities causes me to lose focus of the significance of each priority.  I have a problem saying no to commitments, be it people or other perceived or real responsibilities. As a result, I have to limit my exposure to  multifarious demands. That typically means locking myself away for awhile to attend to only the most pressing obligations so the demands and stimulation are concentrated and consistent.

If I stimulate myself with enough specific information, I become consumed in its depth. I hyperfocus. Pulling me out of that state is almost impossible. It becomes my all engrossing world. It could be lifting, or a specific discipline or even a person. I spend my attention and energy exploring the limits of the object or subject until it is exhausted, or I am exhausted. I have to remind myself that college was a choice to focus my attention on cultivating my knowledge and skills in specific areas that would leave me more valuable than before. If I fail to give it my all I would be no better than when I started.

Learning styles

My learning style requires that I have a context in which I operate in order to assimilate new facts. Without a context, memorization is nearly impossible. Information floats aimlessly without any anchor to significance and meaning. Most new studies don’t present an understandable context at the start. They present a vague, unfamiliar direction and proceed with facts. While it is effortless to absorb facts when a context is known, it requires a great deal of effort to establish a context from facts. The latter builds a totally new paradigm while the former simply adds facts to existing paradigms. New paradigms are essentially the rise of new perceptions. While the facts remain objectively the same, they are seen in a different light and can be functionally used differently. The construction of new paradigms is a creative act. It is the essence of creativity. There is nothing knew in the world, only new ways of looking at things. When you see things differently, the world becomes different, and previously unknown facts become salient.

For those with super efficient memories, context doesn’t seem to play a tremendous role in learning. Often times they may be extremely proficient at representing the facts, but fail to see the larger interconnectedness of their significance. They are expertly trained in giving the right answers, but fail to ask questions that relate to their significance. They don’t wonder ‘why?’ as much as they wonder ‘what?’ given a why. I’m under the opinion that learning to ask the questions ‘why?’ provides much more adaptivity when addressing new challenges or problems and difficult situations. It allows for a starting point for gathering new facts unique to that situation or dilemma, Those only trained for providing ‘what’ are given up to using preexisiting knowledge or out dated answers not appropriate within the context of the new challenge. They say: “A well trained man knows how to give the right answers. A well educated man knows how to ask the right questions.”

People and experience

Exposing yourself to new experiences reinforces your ability to relate to people. Experiences allows you to connect to a greater number of people by creating bridges that facilitate similarities. The more experiences you have, the greater number of people you can potentially connect to. We are attracted to people most like us. It’s comforting. It’s familiar. Most people fear the unknown. It’s unnatural and disorienting to venture into unknowns. We lose sense of ourselves and our ability to navigate. As a result, most people stick to that which they know. We have confidence in ourselves in those situations and with those people we are most familiar.

The people that spend all their time studying or pursuing activities in solitary have trouble relating to people. They have poor interpersonal skills. I love sharing experiences with people; be it new experiences, new people or both. It’s fresh. It’s exciting. You learn from them and they learn from you. That’s why adventure is always so exciting. Adventure is inherently novel and filled with exciting unknowns.

Radical rejection and self-mastery

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us. -JP Sartre

Culture has programmed us. Everything that composes a culture- family, local community, school, media- has implanted a viral program within our mind which constitutes our belief system. We are limited by our beliefs. Our limitations are our beliefs.

Those who are the masters of themselves realize this and choose their programs. They are conscientious of the external influences vying to take control of the mind. These masters erase and overwrite existing, outdated programs plagued with unoriginality, in favor of more deliberate beliefs, more effective and efficient at accomplishing our uniquely cognized and freely chosen ends.

We do not see things are they are, we see things as we are. These inherited beliefs poison our potential and wring any opportunity of escaping the circumstances we were born into. Those who succeed violently reject social norms.

Our minds are a product of our environment. Those who wish to be gods among men realize the susceptibility of our nature to becoming another mindless product. These men do not meddle with such a precious and fragile life, so they act swiftly and decisively. They dictate and justify whatever belief is necessary for the accomplishment of a desire or goal. Whatever limitations you perceive, realize they are there to keep you from accomplishing more, being more, and having more. They are perpetuated by those keen on preserving the inequality that makes their influence reign. The have not’s facilitate and perpetuate  these limitations as a means of comfort. As they say, ignorance is bliss. The perpetuation of this veil of ignorance keeps them from ever being responsible to the latent, known potential residing within them. Being at the top is unique because there is only one top, and it is shared by few. If it was any other way, it would not be so.

Your mind is a computer. Program yourself with the set of beliefs that best suit your ends. No Olympian questioned their destiny for greatness. They expect it. Limitations exist only for the ignorant, lazy and uncreative. As a master of your fate, you have the choice to unveil these insidious ignorances, act decisively with purpose, and cultivate a creative vision for the life you’ve always dreamed and desired.

You do not need to discard excuses. You need only to make excuses why you will win, why you will succeed, why you will not ever fail. Make these excuses with the same conviction that the mindless masses make for their failures, and you will not fail.

If you cannot see the world with a new set of eyes, gouge them out. Reject it all. Start a new. Throw yourself into chaos. Contradict yourself. Hurl yourself into relativity. When these tumultuous storms pass, gaze intently at life with a divine vision. We are gods when we make it so. Otherwise we would not be so.

The importance of writing

I’ve read a few articles recently that emphasized the monumental importance of proficient oral and written communication. Companies and businesses have found themselves with employees who lack the ability to articulate themselves clearly. One of the most sought after attributes of an applicant is the ability to write and speak with articulation and depth in order to convey message and idea. These are fundamental qualities of any interpersonal transaction, and business does, after all, rely almost entirely on these transactions for success. Our contemporary education model has deemphasized the importance of communication skills in favor of a more technically skilled labor force. The tradeoff has left businesses with brilliant employees with brilliant ideas that go uncommunicated, or ineffective or inefficiently so.

A recent article I read highlighted the importance of writing as paramount to becoming a better communicator. The habit of routine writing, be it journaling or any other task that requires the articulation of thoughts to paper, not only hones and refines your ability to write well, it improves your reading and speaking abilities. It expands your vocabulary and familiarizes you with the proper articulation of ideas. Writing is structured, logical and linear, following grammatically rules and syntax that capture meaning otherwise present in spoken words through gestures, intonation, and other context clues typically present with an interlocutor. The established structures of written communication translate as a major role in the clarity of ideas and thoughts in spoken communication. This translation does not work the same way for spoken communication when translated to written word. While good writers can articulate clear thoughts in spoken word, being a good speaker does not necessitate the clarity of your written word.

It’s late. Lots more on mind mind. Wish I could get it all out tonight.

Pain and gain

If there’s no pain, it’s probably not worth it.

If it hurts, chances are its worth it. Pain and struggle indicate your current threshold of potential. Either you adapt and overcome and grow to be stronger, or you don’t and abandon the pursuit. When you abandon it, you flee its demands, physically and/or psychologically. If you want something really bad, and you are psychologically set on its attainment, and you can’t have it, there is a disconnect that leaves you empty until its fulfillment. It requires you put energy and work into achieving it. Typically this is accompanied with struggle and discomfort. If it doesn’t, that your desire is within your means and probably indicates a goal that is less than worthy of your potential.

When I think about these struggles I relate them to personal goals that involve physical accomplishment like lifting or some other sporting achievement, or character based goals relating to education or the development of virtues, or goals pertaining to relationships and feeling such as friendship and love. Anything worth having is worth working for. If you don’t have to work for it, it probably isn’t worth having, or at least, not to you. No pain, no gain. If it doesn’t hurt, it’s not love. I realize that there are a lot of caveats to this whole theory of pain and value, but it seems to hold true in general. Anytime you invest time or energy into a person, whether you loved them or not, there is a void or pain that accompanies their loss. Chances are, though, they played some kind of important role in your life; otherwise you wouldn’t have shared it with them.

Long day

Just studied from 4-10. 2x 30 min breaks. I could barely do basic math the last hour. Long day. Went to bed at 2am last night, woke up at 730am this morning for work. Got out of class at 3pm. Exam tomorrow. Early bed time tonight.

Here’s an idea for facebook: When you’re online, you have the option to turn you profile picture into a live webcam shot of you.  Not sure I like this idea (its pretty creepy) but it seems like it’d be cutting edge.

Of recent

Recently I’ve been much more focused. My birthday acted as a catalyst for the reexamination of my priorities. I’m 24 now. Usually birthdays are a cause for celebration. When that day came, I realized there would be nothing unique about another celebration. Sure I’m 24. How should we celebrate? Socializing with food and alcohol? The past month my drinking (partying) habits have been uncharacteristically desultory and unrestrained. If celebration is characterized as rejoicing in life through indulgent festivities, I feel like that’s been all I’ve been doing as of late. A birthday celebration of that sort would be no different.

Instead, I chose to study and work, and I found it to be much more fulfilling, much more of a celebration of life and progress than any other activity.

I decided to reframe my approach to fulfillment. Its easy to get sucked into the tyrannical approval of the masses. They say: happiness is derived through partying. Im a slow learner and I continually have to remind myself that those gratifications are no investment in my life. They yield no long term value or pride, only fleeting memories that we desperately hope to recapture.

Anyway. I’m happy. Focused. Life is great. I’ve got my eye on the ball, as they say.

The dilemma  I find myself continually facing time and time again is the value I derive from relationships and people. Why is that a problem? Well, it just so happens that many of the people who I cherish spend the majority of their past times indulging in ephemeral glories and menial activities, i.e. binge drinking and other bacchanal activities . I need to seek out people who value similar passions. Passions that include personal development, the pursuit of truth and knowledge, creative thinking, quality discourse, new adventure and an overall interest in improving their value as a person.

Anyway… Study time.

Jobs

Smart people don’t find jobs; they create jobs. Smart people create the jobs that other people find. If you have a choice to be a slave to others or a slave to yourself, which would you choose? To me, the answer seems obvious. However, if this applies to jobs in the market place, I find my conclusion to be misleading.

In reality, so long as we’re talking about earning money in the marketplace, you are always a slave to others. The market demands goods and services, and you supply those goods and services in exchange for money according to their market value. If you’re a business owner, you are a slave to marketplace demands. If you’re an employee, you are a slave to the businesses’ demands. The difference is, there is much more of a reward for those who cater directly to the market as a business owner. The catch is there is a two fold responsibility for satisfying market demands as well as managing the labor that facilitates that satisfaction. Hence, while there is more responsibility, there is a much larger payoff.

I suppose one could be a slave to himself by laboring for sustenance alone, tilling his own land while maintaining a keep within his means; but then again, so long as you are subject to paying monetary taxes as a citizen, you a bound as a slave to the market. Eh. No escape.

Differences

When I was an elementary school in Marshalltown, IA, a young Mexican girl visited our classroom. While she was our age, she was slower than most of her peers and spoke poor English in comparison. Additionally, she had one small stub of an arm. Despite the teacher’s best efforts to encourage everyone to interact and get along, her presence was polarizing to most students in our class room. Even at a young age, this struck me deeply. I had been raised by parents who exposed me to diversity at a young age. My mother was always an example of loving those who are different, who are hurting, and who struggle. Until then, I had not even known that one person, whatever their condition or appearance, was any different than anyone else. In my youthful eyes, we were all the same. This experience was the first time I had every witnessed the effects of being different, and it was strange.

I remember reaching out to her and playing with her and the teachers assistant, even when all the other kids wouldn’t. I remembering enjoying my time with her and realizing that there was nothing inherently different about her at all. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. This experience, while small, was a transformative moment in my life. It illustrated the struggle people face when they appear ‘different’. It always showed me that people are more similar than they are different. When we focus on the differences, they take over and taint the beauty of our similarities.

Telling Character

A man never describes his own character so clearly as when he describes another.
-Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

This quote resonates with me. How people describe the world is an indication of their attitude towards the world. If you want a simple judgement test of someones character, you need only examine the attitude they hold for the world. This includes their beliefs about circumstances, people, relationships, and even the beliefs they maintain about themselves.

Ram.Bull.

Ramble.

What is attention deficit disorder? The inability to effectively repeat, mimic, or imitate.  The inability to conform to static behaviors and maintain rigid habits.

Math is broadly rigid and narrowly flexible.  Math is a process of iteration where rules are applied and cross applied until a solution is worked out. Language is broadly flexible and narrowly rigid. Language is a creative process governed by general conventions.

My theory of everything is an economic theory of mind. Central is the role of demands on equilibrium states. It holds that forces, positive or negative, interact with innate self-preservation mechanisms that result in the formation of mind.

Why language? Why am I so fascinated by language? It is an expression of my being, just like any other expression.

offscouring

I really don’t have anything interesting on my mind at the moment.

This weekend was less than filling. I’m actually struggling to recall what it is I did exactly. Drinking. Eating. Shooting. Sleeping. Etc. Thursday night I spent an exorbitant amount of money on a lot of worthless crap like food and alcohol.

I’m not in the mood to pick up girls. Haven’t been in some time. Sure, getting some is nice, but it’s such a hassle. The girls expect games. They expect the manipulation. Its such a pain trying to convince them otherwise.

Money is everything. Power, freedom, opportunity, education, relationships. Everything. It’s a wonder I don’t spend every waking of my life pursuing it. If you don’t have money, you’re stuck. Stuck with what you’ve got. And that’s usually not that much.

Pretty boring at the moment. My mind is thinking. All I really wanna do is study. I should do it every waking moment. It should be the number one priority in my life. Bassnectar is good.

Today I drove my sis to do some work. Went to watching some nerds larp, but only about four were there so we abandoned. Blah.blah.blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thought is Supreme

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the ruining tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual…Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude-the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.

-Elbert Hubbard

Today

I just worked legs. My legs are sore. They are twitching. Spazing. Gonna hurt so bad; gonna feel good. Love the endorphins.

Just do it. Just do. Don’t think. Just do. Thinking will come. Naturally. Effortlessly.

If you have to think, there is a gap between what you should do, and what you do. There is a lapse in the response. In you ability to respond. In your response ability. Just do. You have a goal? An aim? Take fire and aim. Over, and over, and over. Fire. Shoot. Act. Be.

Who will hit the mark sooner: the man who stares at the mark, never firing but forever cognizing about the various possibilities of execution that could exist? or the man who keeps his eye on the mark, and fires, over and over and over again, refining each execution as he goes? The latter.

Today was nice. I wanna think up an independent study project relating to economics and philosophy. Something that appeals to the ethics of education reforms, as well as the economic necessity. I’d like to talk to some professors in the philosophy and economics department about advising me on the research.

This weekend we’re having a build party. Thurs-Sat we have a variety of date and party functions scheduled. Just got a rando date from a girl I know. I’m helping the build. We’ll be constructing 8ft tiki men outta paper mache and plaster of paris. Gonna be dope.

Need to study more. Read more. Prepare more. Academic excellence should be my highest aim at the moment; more correctly, it should be my only aim.

Gotta shower.

Quotes of the Day: Mill

A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
John Stuart Mill

Eccentricity has always abounded when and where strength of character had abounded; and the amount of eccentricity in a society has generally been proportional to the amount of genius, mental vigor, and courage which it contained.
John Stuart Mill

I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them.
John Stuart Mill

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse.
John Stuart Mill

What distinguishes the majority of men from the few is their inability to act according to their beliefs.
John Stuart Mill

The duty of man is the same in respect to his own nature as in respect to the nature of all other things, namely not to follow it but to amend it.
John Stuart Mill

Weekend

Super tired. Gonna get this out while its on my mind. Revise later.

The past several days have been pretty exhausting. Thursday night was a shit show that left me feeling less than pleasant the following day. The night started off having dinner with a friend, followed by my first episode of its always sunny. Our dinner was scrambled eggs mixed with Tilapia, cold black beans, cold broccoli, and a slice of bread buttered with peanut spread. Shortly thereafter I went to the house and got incredibly intoxicated after several rounds of beer pong. I never remember conversations when I drink at the house. Memory seems to somehow stay there. Anyway. I went to Dan McGuinness for awhile before heading to Hollywood Disco. It was advertised as girls gone wild audition night, but not a soul was there. As a result, we got in free and a guy who turned out to be the manager bought us shots after learning we were from a fraternity. We swapped numbers in hopes of arranging a collaborative bar night. After disco we called a driver and headed to deja vu. Don’t ask. That was a brief trip. I don’t remember much else. Other than it was byob. Friday was hectic. I’m not sure how I woke up. Friday night, well, we had a party at the house. I met this girl who insisted we go back to my house at the end of the night. I didn’t object. I was pretty much blacked out. Despite that, I got an odd feeling from her, so I decided to just pass out. Maybe it was her attempts to lead me to accept Jesus in her drunken stupor. Not sure. Thank god nothing bawdy happened. The next morning I wake up and we introduce each other. Cordially. I take her home. I head to the house for, yet again, another party. This time, 12am. We have a case race composed of 6 teams of 4 people. We DQ after our teammate hurls. The band high tide blues plays on our patio. I was annihilated. It was a great time. My memory was hazy. At some point I wander upstairs and hang out in one of the bedrooms. I meet my friends friend from Texas State. She needs a companion to walk her to her hotel. I drunkenly volunteer. Somehow I end up in chipoltle. Then I somehow arrive home. Or sorta home. I walk into my sisters apartment and just hoot and hollar and crash on her couch for the rest of the night. This morning I woke to have breakfast with Matt, Conrad, Ravi and my sister at cafe coco. Afterwards i head to centennial park to read and journal and soak up nature and my surroundings. It was a vivacious day. Cool, sunny, breezy. Glorious. Four hours later I eat lunch at cafe coco with my bro Dan. He divulges his history the past two years away from college. I listen intently and empathize. I’m glad we talked. It was good. Not sure what else I did.  Night.

Effectuate

I need more creativity in my life. More contra-positions. I love melding opposites together. Resistant forces that repel one another. Combining things in novel ways. Ways that make people smile, or catch their breath in ghastly renouncement.

Creativity is problem solving. It is creating a solution, a missing piece, that fills the world with more depth and complexity and vivacity. Creativity moves people. It adds life to the world, to the mind, to the environment.

Reflection is a creative act. It is taking two ideas, and comparing and contrasting them to find similarities or differences. This process allows for the combination of characteristics that yield an entirely new and sovereign idea. Creativity is synthesis. The whole is greater than the sum.

Creativity. Foster exposure to seemingly unrelated positions, perceptions, or what have you. Challenge from the other side of things. Get uncomfortable. Get lost in confusion. Allow it to blend, amalgamate, and coalesce into something new. Produce something fresh. Inspiring. Insightful. Not more of the same.

Jūdex

I believe in transparency; with yourself, with others. What have I to hide? Mistakes? An unworthy life? I am not ashamed of my past or present conclusions.  Do I contradict myself? Then I contradict myself. I am am a creature in continual flux. I change and grow, like any life. My moments speak for themselves.  However naive, my intention is pure. What matters the cares of the worlds? Can’t I maintain cares of mine own? Or the lack thereof?

Risk and reward are tantamount, otherwise everyone would get their fill of life. Living boldly means taking great risk. Be prepared to sacrifice your comforts and security. Pain will lurk close. Unknowns will abound. Adaptation means consistent action.

I will not apologize for my decision to live life boldly. The past is gone. It floats in a nonexistent oblivion. Memories prove too unreliable to cast just ratiocination on yourself or others. What matters but now? If you are there, who will attend to the here? What character will be under review? The character of him who is here, or the character of our memory?

Be open. If you hide yourself from the world, you are hiding yourself. We do not see things as they are; we see the world as we are. Only when we drag our full nature into the light of the world can we see the nature of its fullness.When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. This requires a confrontation with whatever issues or vices or insecurities that chronically shirk from exposure. Attack them head on. See yourself as whole, as flawed, as awesome, as existing here and now.

Starblance

Slumbering sleep surmises stargazing semblances; slowing sauntering amidst sombre skies; starless shadows.

I was walking between classes this afternoon, and I realized a tingling in my chest. I concentrated my gaze, and the world suddenly popped out at me. Colors permeated my senses. The landscape began to glint and glisten. I was fighting off the angst. I was crawling to escape its rapacious depravity. I focused my intention on the now.

The brown conglomerate path continued appearing before me in reliable fashion. My steps were automated and involuntary. I stared at the small brown pebbles embedded in the concrete, smoothed from years of wear. An abraded cigarette butt passes in the corner of my eye. Dry crinkled leaves skip in the wind. I raise my head and take notice around me. Faces everywhere. Everyone lost in their world. Their narrow microcosm of existence. Such is me. The trees shine. Humidity mixes with the suns rays and sends a wave of heat that caresses my face. I hesitate before taking a moment to reflect. Gone. The angst has subsided. My thoughts return. Freedom clothes me. Social and political philosophy class.

I have a tendency to find myself coming back to the same maxims time and time again. Maybe not maxims in the principled sense, but general truths. Focus. Focus must be the greatest asset of mankind. The ability to concentrate the minds gaze with precision, so that no peripheral object enters into consideration. Perhaps focus is none other than the will? And those with a poor focus simply lack a strong will? Whatever the case, focus allows us to eliminate distraction by keeping the attention on the specific details at hand.

I hear the word discipline and a heavy yoke comes to mind. Those who exhibit discipline, do so unknowingly until we extol their virtue. For those with focus, with a definable aim in mind, discipline is no burden. To them, there is no burden. They simply exist moment to moment with the single function of being. Burdens are distractions. Where there is no distraction, no competing force vying for your attention, there is only living. Who you decide to be takes care of all you need to do. When you fail to decide to be, you are left managing the various demands telling you what to do.

If discipline was a burden to endure, few would bother taking it up till the end.

When you fix your sight on an object, the world at large melts away, and with it, all the clouded obstacles that haze ease and clarity. What becomes paramount is the figure of your intense transfixion. Nothing else matters but what perception beholds. Problems evaporate, dilemmas melt away, and difficulty yields the aggregate joys of life. No more do you shy from being. Being triumphantly trades the multifarious pains of life in exchange for the duty to a singular calling that gives clear purpose and direction. The reward is two fold as progress yields growth as well as fruit. Character as well as achievement. Doubt and hesitation cease to ebb and flow with the tides of change. Indecision and idleness choke and die. Action swells and escapes through every corpuscle in your body.

Anyway…I’m going to bed soon. It’s late. Big MacroTheory exam tomorrow. Work in the early morn. One more chapter to study before I’m confident I’ll ace it.

I went to bed late last night. I was up reading over old journals, assessing my progress. Morning found its way to me too soon this day. As did night.

Today was good.

Alive

I feel alive. It’s the first time in a long while. Usually I endure the suffocation. The demands. The routine pressures. As soon as I give a big fuck you to the world, to the expectations, to the voices; it suddenly melts away. It dissolves into clarity. I become light, my chest fills with substance and the aching void is replaced with pouring rhythm.

What it is to ‘be’. Its not doing. Its not pleasing people. Its not succumbing to everything out there. Its a defiant, oppositional rejection to it all. Perhaps its the fear that melts away? The fear of not sufficing, of not doing enough, maintaining enough. The fear of rejection. The fear of being no good. These forces worm their roots into my core and choke my sense of self. They fester and grow, feeding off my ability to be and act. It desiccates potential, leaving it shriveled and withered. I say no. I would rather die, rather blow off my head and choke my life of consciousness than live a mediocre life of struggle. I would do anything so long as my being could breath again. When the ultimatum hangs between ending your life, or ending the angst, the answers don’t seem so allusive. It becomes a simple decision of action. A courageous act of anger. Anger towards everything that’s been weighing you down.

No longer will my breath be bated with apprehension and insecurities. Death, or life. Chains, or freedom. So much of my life I prey on self-deception to rid it from its burrows; but its insidious contrivances slither beneath awareness and latch hold ever so gently. At times, it seems to be a comfort, this angst. It plants itself and soon becomes a deceptive constant. Over time it slowly coils and constricts the spirit until I awake disoriented and lost. The spirit and its zest for life, the simple pleasures of being, seem to have taken flight, and I am left deserted. A relativity takes hold and an indifference spreads over me. I become weightless, ungrounded.

Being real- whatever real is- seems to be the only salvation. It requires an intense gaze into these abysmally vacant depths. You must stare and search with a righteous anger and bitterness and resentment. You must find these gnarling roots, and hack deep. Confront the demons, the self-judgement, the doubt. Stare hard. Get angry and defiant. Defy anything that is keeping you from the now.

You can be no more than you are, and who you are is not who you will be. Decide to be. Whatever is holding you back must be uncovered and exposed. It has no power when you bring it to the surface. It loses its substance and dissolves into oblivion. The battle is daily. Either life is a burden, or it is no burden at all. Lose the burden.

Languor

Every once and awhile I find myself pouring over old journal entries. Juvenile musings. They actually inspire me. I was so… naive? Yet, genuine. I spoke with subtle vulnerability. I was open, the world was open. Earth and all its greenery wasn’t tainted by the shadows of worldly criticism. It thrived on pure joy. I can’t say whether these joys were derived from girls, friends, drugs, rebellion, music, adventure, or some other delusional teenage romance. What I can say is that I spoke with brutal honesty. I didn’t hide my devilish joy, or embarrassing hurt. I threw it out there.

Nashville is beautiful. Its slowly transitioning its way to fall. The night brings a cool chill with it. Pretty different from the summer sauna.

I always fantasize about freedom. Freedom is a state of mind. It is inside your being. I judge too much. My self; others. It’s in the name of reason, of truth and justice, but it erodes the value. It ruins the essence by peeling a wonderfully true experience into a fraying cognitive conundrum. It renders the experience useless. It wears it out. Its magic dissolves.

I don’t want to think anymore. I want to be. I want to exist moment by moment, feeling by feeling. I want to explode outward like a dazzling display of fireworks and illuminate the world with my sparkling embers.

I will hold no grudge with myself; nor will I hold a grudge with others. I must remember that when I judge, I am condemning myself. I am holding myself to one more impossible standard. My only standard should be to live loudly. Be boldly.

School’s going alright. I haven’t applied myself at all really. Not sure what the consequences of my lack of discipline will be, but I don’t seem to care too much. I’ve been doing my best to get real with myself, to shed the bullshit facades. Self deception, in all its vapid power, has an insidious nature. “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” (Nietzsche) It stole into my life and left me paralyzed; wholly entranced with its emptiness. Analysis paralysis. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t give a shit. It doesn’t mean that I won’t face my demands with a fierce resolution. It just means that I won’t reserve any energy for condemning myself or others. I refuse to hold myself to standards. Standards only stifle potential. They cap it. They put limits on something that operates in a world beyond definable limits.

I love my friends. One specifically comes to mind: Ravi. Half italian, half indian, he’s one of the most genuine people I’ve met. The real deal. There’s nothing opaque about his intentions. They are out there for general review, and he’s ok with that.

Lifes good. I am defiant at the moment, and I’ll continue being defiant. Either existence is a heavy burden, or it is no burden at all.

Dolor.

I am not running any longer. I am not fooling myself. The world looks on, the circus continues. I want real. I want a real me. Why must I be something greater than the clod of earth that I am? Somewhere I lost sense of the point. The higher calling that was my own soon became an lone empty echo. I am alone. My room seems to fall away from me. Everything is distant. I seize consciousness and my senses reach out. The floor vent releases a streaming chill that catches my pant leg; the skin tightens and my follicles erect. Air palpitates through my nostrils in soft attenuated breathes. I slouch. My eyes fixate ahead. A dyspeptic yellow emits from my lamp and sinks into the noxious green walls. I am lost in this yellow sea.

Fuck it all. I do not want to look inward any longer. Narcissism has left me nauseas.

There is no hope in ignorance. The deficiencies and flaws gather and glare with evil eyes. There is no escape from who and what I am.

I’m finding it difficult to read for class. I’ve spent far more time reading for leisure. It leaves me feeling open; accomplished. Confession number one: Class is a bore. School is boring. It is mind-numbing. Is it me? I fear it is. But I’m more than alright with that. My mind was not meant to be domesticated. It comes and goes and there is no wall or discipline that will harbor my curiosities. Such things are ineffable.

I cannot placate my anxieties with deception. My hate and ill intentions shape my nature. I am all too human. I need to embrace the quaking anger, speak my mind without remorse. Just as today will take care of itself, so will tomorrow. No need to disown whats mine. There is no illegitimate me.

Not.

Recently there hasn’t been day that goes by that I don’t think of killing myself. A malaise has set in and it found its way deep inside me. Everything has become questionable. My words are not my own. My intention has grown dull, my thoughts scattered. I am finding a knot of irritability writhing inside my chest. The world around me has grown insipid, darker, more neutral. My veneer is less genuine; less polished. I have trouble seeing over the next procession of thoughts. My convictions falter. I stumble over and over again, exasperated, wide eyed, gasping, outstretched for something to grab hold of. Everything has gained an ambient relativity. My yearn for success has slumped into an indifference toward even basic undertakings. What was organized has now decayed; dysphoria chokes the air. Bad air!

Everything that extends from me is strange. I have no desire to indulge in anything. Not even pleasure. Not success. Not failure. Not anything. I have conditioned myself to justify feelings that typically kept me enthralled with the world; kept my passion for life alive. These sentiments have subsided, slowly. The more I fight the disease, the stranger I become; the more alienated I feel. I begin judging myself more harshly, more critically. A slew of self deprecating insults poke and pry at my dormant motivations. The more I judge, the more I judge others. A realness has dissipated and a hollowness has carved its way inside me. Words are not my own; only a predilection of others.

I began to anger. My place in the world seemed to matter not. It matters not.