Author: William

Practice Reminiscing.

Writing about yourself is always a narcissistic undertaking. I want to shy away from it simply to avoid exposing this narcissism. The motivation to write is simply to share a story, to connect you with your fellow man. I felt very much alone in this world growing up. There are many reasons that could explain it, but as I grew older I realized that just about everyone felt alone in this world, and everyone coped differently.

My life is not unusual. I lived a good life. I am not sure that anyone’s life is considered typical. I am not sure where to even start, so I will start with the earliest memories.

My earliest memories involve sun bleached fields. California 1986. My father was in the military. My mother had escaped her past life in jersey to wed him and move across the country to California where he was stationed. He was an Annapolis graduate. Hard worker, goal oriented, always wanting to rise above the way he saw himself.

So, there they were, in their early twenties, in love and making children. I remember watching home videos of my mother when I was a child. My father was off at sea for six months out of the year. Her children were her saving grace. She was alone, on a naval base, drawing her only source of comfort from the babies she produced. My two sisters were born a few years later. I was one of those children that never developed his inhibitions. Throughout my life I was always wandering away from my family. They lost me wherever they went: county fairs, Wal-Mart, parks, and our neighborhood.

Life has always been an adventure. More than that, life has been a pursuit of meaning. Adventures seemed to be the best way of capturing the meaning, especially in my youth.
A stream of memories quenches my reminiscing as I think about my earliest adventures.

After California my parents moved to Fairfax, Virginia. My memories there include being held down by my parents and force fed a syringe full of cough medicine, watching squirrels bury little treasures in the earth, and learning how spaghetti-o’s are made. These years contained the queerest discoveries. I faintly remember gray skies and a small park with untrimmed lawns containing long soft grasses. There with my mother, I remember plucking the grasses from the earth. She let me in on a little secret. Speghetti-o’s are actually made from grass. She made a deal with me that she would make me these spaghetti-o’s if I collected these grasses. I was exuberant with delight. I remember scavenging the whole field for these little tufts of grass. I returned with a bushel under my arm and handed them over to my mother. She instructed that they needed to be cooked and they would be ready soon and to go outside. I ventured outside for additional playtime. On this day I remember pulling the plastic sheathing of my neighbors newspapers and attaching them to the handlebars of my bike. This way, when I accelerated, they inflated to awesome orange cylinders that flopped in the wind as I rode. Hearing her call from the balcony I ran up to the kitchen. It was just turning fall so there was a bite to the air. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I removed my neon windbreaker and, to my amazement, she had turned the green grass into spaghetti o’s.

Isocrates in Antidosis: Rhetoric

We ought… to think of the art of discourse just as we think of the other arts, and not to form opposite judgments about similar things, nor show ourselves intolerant toward that power which, of all the faculties which belong to the nature of man, is the source of most of our blessings. For in the other powers which we possess, … we are in no respect superior to other living creatures; nay, we are inferior to many in swiftness and in strength and in other resources; but, because there has been implanted in us the power to persuade each other and to make clear to each other whatever we desire, not only have we escaped the life of wild beasts, but we have come together and founded cities and made laws and invented arts; and generally speaking, there is no institution devised by man which the power of speech has not helped us to establish. For this it is which has laid down laws concerning things just and unjust, and things honorable and base; and if it were not for these ordinances we should not be able to live with one another. It is by this also that we confute the bad and extol the good. Through this we educate the ignorant and appraise the wise; for the power to speak well is taken as the surest index of a sound understanding, and discourse which is true and lawful and just is the outward image of a good and faithful soul.

– Isocrates in Antidosis

Isocrates in Antidosis

We ought… to think of the art of discourse just as we think of the other arts, and not to form opposite judgments about similar things, nor show ourselves intolerant toward that power which, of all the faculties which belong to the nature of man, is the source of most of our blessings. For in the other powers which we possess, … we are in no respect superior to other living creatures; nay, we are inferior to many in swiftness and in strength and in other resources; but, because there has been implanted in us the power to persuade each other and to make clear to each other whatever we desire, not only have we escaped the life of wild beasts, but we have come together and founded cities and made laws and invented arts; and generally speaking, there is no institution devised by man which the power of speech has not helped us to establish. For this it is which has laid down laws concerning things just and unjust, and things honorable and base; and if it were not for these ordinances we should not be able to live with one another. It is by this also that we confute the bad and extol the good. Through this we educate the ignorant and appraise the wise; for the power to speak well is taken as the surest index of a sound understanding, and discourse which is true and lawful and just is the outward image of a good and faithful soul.

– Isocrates in Antidosis

Free. End.

So summers here… I left my other internship with the idea in mind that I could pick up another job effortlessly, whatever job it may be, and actually have a summer where I could allocate time for myself. So far, I haven’t gotten a job. I have spent alot of time with myself. I have been reading ungodly amounts. I started Atlas Shrugged. Bout 25% through… its around 1100 pages. got some work to do. Also reading Logic Made Easy… in order to prepare my mind for the LSAT.

Is it weird that all I wanna be is be by myself.. and read and be by myself. friends mean little to me now. i love my close friends… but the ones around here.. eh. I am going out tonight… I should be a bit more excited.. I could care less really. If I go out I wanna get drunk. I just wanna be by myself. Read. Sit around. This is so WEIRD. never before in my life have I had such an apathy for my fellow man. Maybe i’ve reached a new plateau of egoism and self centeredness. I am totally focused on me at the moment. Not sure if thats a good thing or not.

Ayn Rand is somethin else.

Also.. am I happy? wtf. there are two ways I gain satisfaction from life. Achieving goals and socializing. At the moment I’m passing time. Not REALLY achieving anything. I’m making headway.. time and patience is more valuable now more than ever. But really? I’m not gonna lie to myself. I’m not working… other than reading and studying a few hours daily. As far as socializing goes? I haven’t let myself do any of that. none at all. I mean.. here and there.. but realistically not to much. I would like to let myself let go a bit tonight.

when I say let go.. I mean not give a flyin fuck. Think about NOTHING. and EVERYTHING simultaneously. Let my subconscious do the work. enjoy the moment. thats all I need to do.

jumble fresh.

I have little faith in man. Man as a whole is delusional. I as much as the next. The chances of finding another man with the same delusions as mine are one in a million. perhaps thats what good leaders are. People who can infect and empower others with their delusions.

Christianity. I use to be so convinced these people were real. Currently i hold that its just a general belief system, like any belief system, that people feel compelled to adopt when they struggle with life, or begin doubting their ability to rationally deal. I believe its a good thing. It gives people, people otherwise lost, a place to start grounding themselves. This whole revolution with miracles, prophecies, and what not… hogwash in my opinion. Not quantitative whatsoever. its all confirmation bias. They find whatever they look for to support their original claim.

anyway… sometimes I hesitate to convince myself of one matter or anther simply because I am aware that context changes and that conviction may lead me astray in other contexts. As i grow older I learn the virtue of silence. I am much more observant nowadays. I absorb my surroundings. I am not quick to interject my ‘opinions’ or what my ‘experiences’ have taught me. Instead i am more apt to listen. This allows me to really synthesize what people are saying with my own thoughts instead of tainting thier’s with my own, possibly skewed, interpretation.

I would like to write more often. I must write a book. What’s stopping me? well.. I surely don’t think I’m in the position to be writing a book. But what a foolish thought. I am perfectly able, intellectually and experientially to document and record my thoughts into a book. I should begin. Who cares where I start. I am hesitant about putting my thoughts into a concrete story. This whole context thing drives me crazy sometimes. I am so conscious of making sure the content of my thoughts fits into the context of a story or conversation, that quality of content it lost. Or I begin speaking and thinking absolute nonsense because i’m so distracted.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am reading Ayn Rands “Atlas Shrugged”… Objectivism/ Philosophical Realism… that reality is ontologically independent from the mind. OooOOo…

I believe this… I’m not sure what else it entails but I will find out. 1000 pages… 100 pages a day? 10 days. So far i have been averaging 30… at this rate… a month+ of reading. I must step it up.

ALSO- I always correct myself when I think to myself. If i ever catch myself saying “I ‘need’ to do this or that” I replace need with ‘must’. I hate feeling like its something i’m obligated to do. must makes it something imperative that i am convicted about. night.

Harvard Law School

I have to go to Harvard Law School. What will I need? A 4.0 gpa, a 175 LSAT score, and some really good softs. Can it be done? Absolutely. When will i start? Now.

I have a good 2 or 3 years before I apply. That means I have a good 2-3 years to study for the LSAT.

I want it. I will do everything in my power to realize this goal. I will study, I will sacrifice, I will grow.

Public Library.

I’m going to read John Steinbecks “East of Eden” today. I hear its a fantastic read.

I never really understood what ‘mo money, mo problems’ really meant until recently. Then again, I never really had money until recentl. Firstly, I hate credit cards, loans, and any other form of debt. I’m sure I’m not alone here, but I feel like I voluntarily shackle myself to my grave when I spend money I don’t have. It forces me to prioritize my time and put time constraints on what I need to do rather than what I want to do. This is probably apart of growing up. I either want alot of money, so I don’t have to worry about spending money I don’t have, or I don’t want any of it. I could be content being a parapatetic and spend my life doing fantastic odd jobs and consulting work that would pay my way to the next adventure.

WI update

Shame on me for not updating…

So in in Fond Du Lac Wisconsin for the summer… sellin BooOOooks. Best thing ever. My host family is actually two guys. Nipple rings and all. Its all good though. Wisconsin in awesome and people are super nice. I have a meeting bright and early tomorrow. I’ll write more later…

South Park and Open Society: A Response

An essay I recently wrote. Loved reading about Karl Popper, didn’t really like the essay.

South Park and Open Society: A Response

            When examining a democratic society there should be ample evidence of open expression, where ideas can be examined and critiqued by the people as a whole. Professors David Curtis and Gerald Erion investigate this evidence in their essay South Park and the Open Society by presenting the controversial cartoon show South Park. South Park gained popularity in the nineties, and has since built the reputation of parading society’s most controversial topics for the public eye. Curtis and Erion provide examples of how the open examination found in South Park was intentionally designed to exercise and preserve the health of liberal democracy. To support their case and qualify the importance of an open society, the authors cite twentieth century political philosopher Karl Popper and his critique of totalitarianism, The Open Society and Its Enemies.

            In the opening paragraphs of their essay, Curtis and Erion reference media theorist Douglas Rushkoff’s position that many social criticisms are intentionally interwoven into seemingly harmless entertainment mediums and serve to illustrate the fundamental principles of democratic philosophy at work (para 1).  South Park, they instance, does this explicitly by portraying its characters as ‘overzealous political activists’. The show openly offers up caricatures of extremism on the right and left for ridicule and derision. Because South Park finds no person or subject taboo, it has been constantly targeted for censorship and cancelation. Curtis and Erion believe that the creator’s decision to allow open discussion of such extremism places them in a position safe from the extremists who threaten to shut down the show.

            While South Park may come off as a crass cartoon filled with crude humor and ‘tasteless’ jokes, authors Curtis and Erion create convincing parallels between serious social and political gestalts that allow for deeper considerations of South Parks methods of free expression. What has protected South Park from much of this ridicule is that by silencing the shows message, many people would effectively be silencing their own. What lends credibility to the show is that it rests on the ideals of open society that are needed for critique and criticisms. It is just as natural that the show is a critic that it is producing critics.

            Curtis and Erion cite South Park co–creators Trey Parkers and Matt Stone in a PBS interview as they remark on the importance of openly recognizing that people screaming on both sides of an issue are the same people, and that it is ‘OK’ to be in the middle and laugh at both of them (para 3). What is paramount here is that these extremists don’t stifle the message of one or the other. Curtis and Erion refer to Karl Poppers principle of intolerance for intolerance to support Parker and Stone’s position (para 14). This principle emphasizes what Popper saw as a necessity in a democratic society in order to ensure open discussion on all subjects that call for critique and lead to progress. While the creators may not intentionally have society’s best interest at heart, they are most definitely furthering the healthy process of examining controversial subjects so that progressive ideas can be exchanged.

            When looking at the heart of this type of free expression in action, twentieth century scientific and politic philosopher Karl Popper provides the best framework for examining the system. As a major proponent of liberal democracy, Popper championed the notion of open society while criticizing the controls of government and customary myths perpetuating closed societies.  

            In order to avoid being subject to criticism from one extremist group or another, the creators of South Park opt to bash all sides, playing it safe in the middle ground. Referring to the remarks of the co-creators about the importance of extremism being expressed, Curtis and Erion find evidence of Poppers open society framework in the countless characters of South Park who openly embody this extremism and portray stereotypes of all kinds. Each of the main caricatures of SouthPark, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, encapsulate characterized beliefs within our culture.

            Through the character Cartman, the obnoxious overweight authoritarian, the co-creators exhibit the abhorrent stereotypes associated with the right wing fanaticism (para 11). Curtis and Erion describe the qualities and character defects that Cartman poignantly displays in characterizing ‘un-democratic’ conservatives. He has no issue berating anyone with his foul mouth and fascist opinions and most often takes his anger out on Kenny, a character that best represents the poorer class.

            With his coat covering his mouth and inhibiting recognizable speech, Kenny’s role usually consists of random muffles here and there, followed by his eventual death in most episodes. His lack of speech is similar to the lack of voice and influence within the poorer class. His regular deaths, and the utter lack of concern his friends share when he dies, represents the constant struggle within the lower classes that is often overlooked or ignored as a whole.

            With just as much ease, Curtis and Erion reference the characters identified with the extreme political left. An episode with their teacher, Mr. Mackey, portrays the hypocrisy of the watered-down leftists as his attempts to get the students to stay away from drugs lead to his own addiction.

            For middle ground the creators introduce Stan to exemplify the every day American middle class Christian populist. Along with Kyle, they represent an open and diplomatic approach to problems which allows the audience to receive him easily. While similar to Stan, Kyle is Jewish and embodies the prejudices as a minority.       

            The friendship between these four not only illustrates the volatile dynamics within American culture as they interact, but creates a satirical stage as they encounter other residents and extremists within the show that demonstrate extreme beliefs and opinions. What makes the show so popular is how these characters encounter these extreme ideas and the scenarios they contain. As an audience we witness our own behaviors, biases and prejudices exhibited through the characters.

            Curtis and Erion present convincing evidence in their essay South Park and the Open Society that South Park creators Parker and Stone share Karl Poppers political philosophy of an open society. By actively identifying and discussing the extremism on all sides, they offer themselves up as an extreme, and legitimize an important stake in open discussions. If Popper were alive to witness South Park on the air, he would rest assure that the health of American Democracy is alive and well.

Finals Week

Tomorrow marks the beginning of Finals. The next three days will be a frenzy to produce the highest quality of work, and regurgitate as much as possible, in the most limited amounts of time. Welcome to college.

I went out to dinner with Scott, girl girlfriend, and his ma and pa today. Awesome people. His dads a swell guy. He’s writing a book (for the past five years) and was explaining how he made a breakthrough for the first time in two years. His book revolved around a bunch of kids always getting into trouble, getting out of trouble, getting into trouble, getting outta trouble, etc. He was explaining how its so easy to get characters into a mess. Like Houdini, its easy to wrap and chain and box him up and throw him into the freezing river. The hard part is the escape. It needs to be a little more clever than simply helicopters coming to the rescue, or a convenient ammo dump they stumble upon to blow through their antagonists. No, it needs to be clever. He shed light on how he got his characters out of the bind. Interesting man.

Anyway… The dinner cuisine was exquisite. We ate in a 17th century manor home turned inn. Beautiful white washed columns in a pantheon like style. The home was entirely timberframed. Fine art was spread from wall to wall. Quite charming.

I have alot of homework to do at the moment. Actually a lot of studying. I wish I didn’t feel so much pressure with only a few days of school to go. Alright, I’m off. Wish me luck 🙂

Becoming the Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I’m thinking this draft is too vague and not concise enough. I’m not sure if my opinion is stated clearly. I need to quote Simpson more, and clearly state whether I support, refute, or modify her claim that multitasking inhibits concentration and detracts from effective communication.

Becoming the Jack of All Trades, Master of None:

Responding to the Unquestioned Demands of Multitasking
Rough Draft

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            At the turn of the twentieth century information consumption hit an all time high. Managing all the information required new methods of organization and processing. Technology quickly came to our defense and created new ways of its gathering and dissemination.  Mankind is now ingesting more information and juggling more tasks than ever before. As we incorporate more and more technologies that aim to improve our efficiency and effectiveness, the question remains if multitasking truly contains detrimental tradeoffs worth exploring. There is a poignant expression that describes the nature of those who specialize in multi-tasking: “Jack of all trades, master of none.”

            As the industrial era gave way to the information era, technological advances produced computers that allowed businesses and people to tackle more tasks with greater efficiency resulting in an influx of knowledge. The internet presented itself as the perfect catalyst that spurred the flow and exchange of this knowledge. As the need to harness and organize this information became a priority, the demand for people to make sense of it all gave rise, resulting in the emergence of analytic thinkers: engineers, computer scientists, lawyers, investment bankers, accountants, and MBA’s. A generation was born into a world where crunching numbers and juggling tasks was prized and rewarded. Acing standardized tests and performing in rigid curriculums meant to regurgitate knowledge has been the benchmark for success. In the process, it seems, the need for deep, creative thought has been overlooked.

            Mainstream society is currently a single interconnected whole where the populous is integral in dictating current trends through its contributions. People are required to share themselves, their opinions and their interests with the world, be it through their cell-phones, Facebook, twitter, or other technology.  The resulting trend is a society constantly being pulled in all sorts of directions as their attention remains commanded by the whole.

            Joanne Simpson is an excellent observer of the multi tasking phenomenon. As a professor, she has a front seat in witnessing the effect of a culture constantly demanding the attention of the developing youth. In her essay Multitasking State of Mind Simpson illustrates her experiences as an educator dealing with a generation of mentally taxed students raised in a world that expects interconnectedness and constant communication.

            Because technology has allowed people to manipulate information and knowledge with lightning speed, people openly adopt its presence in their life and give little thought to the accompanying tradeoffs. Simpson believes people have gotten carried away with all the positive aspects of being able to manipulate this information. While technology allows us to do more with the time we have, instead of freeing up our thoughts and free time, we become entrenched in even more tasks. It is clear that people in our culture are packing more and more into their daily lives as technology helps them manage the flood of information and activities. PDA’s, smart phones, and laptops allow for ultimate organization and even allow for work on the go.

            Simpson reminisces to her experiences prior to the tremendous technological boom when people’s lives were slower, more thoughtful and directed. “As I remember it, I still paid attention to one thing at a time” she recalls.  As tasks were allotted to specific portions of time, thoughts were more continuous and distractions were numbered. Nowadays, people manage to accomplish inhuman amounts in a single day. When Simpson polled her classroom at to whether they do several things at once, every students hand was raised. Watching television and listening to an IPOD while doing homework are almost an expected part of studying.

            With technologies help, people are expected to produce the same quality of work in half the time. Despite the efficiency of doing more, the depth of thought required for these tasks remained the same. An example is writing papers. Once an arduous process of continuous writes and rewrites, accompanied with countless edits and proofs, computer word processers gave people the ability to type at lightning speed, and leave the majority of editing, punctuation, and spelling, to the computer while still producing relatively high quality work. When this level of performance is achieved, it is demanded everywhere. Soon the act of writing becomes a single task instead of a process. When this happens form is left unrefined and content is sacrificed.

            Consider the process of research writing. Before computers and databases, hours were spent in the library burning the midnight oil, flipping through pages, hand writing notes and bookmarking pages. Compiling the information was an even greater task. Academics were all too familiar with the discipline and focus required for a typical research paper that required twenty four hours of effort.

            Today students are able to jump on a database, read article summaries with lightning speed, bounce from web page to web page, refer to citation machines, and use the ctrl+F function to find their information with minimal effort. The compilation of this information is just as quick.

            What we are seeing with the adaptation of technology is a decline in sustained effort towards given tasks. Quality ideas and work are a culmination of focus, concentration, reflection, and continued applied effort. Jumping from task to task, aside from the time lost in transition, doesn’t allow the mind enough time to familiarize itself with concepts and understandings. The superficial level of thought allotted to ideas consequently jeopardizes the student’s ability to articulate these ideas. Simpson is not amiss when she notices students coming to class in dazed and distracted states. When they step into her classroom they enter a place very different from their connected world; their attention is demanded everywhere as they juggle multiple priorities simultaneously.  The classroom is a place where prolonged attention is required to hash out the idiosyncrasies of an idea.

            While Simpson presents a persuasive case for multitasking’s detrimental effect on concentration, and its translation to poor communication, there is an unspoken standard of normalcy that her essays infer. Simpson claims that multitasking has left students more distracted and less able to concentrate. She spoke of Multitasking as an anti-Zen and describes how really living involves concentration. I would argue that Simpson is taking a conservative and bias approach to these changes in our society. Multitasking is a result of our adaptation to changing demands.  She outlined the negative effects she witnessed as a professor, but failed to mention how multitasking has contributed to the overall productivity and efficiency of work. The very e-mail she uses to illustrate a student’s ineffective communication skills provided a clear example of how technology has opened the lines and eased communication with her and her students.

            Perhaps the sheer ease of communicating and being connected has caused people to overlook quality. E-mails, texts, status updates and posts are sent by the dozens. The sheer volume messages sent daily may have people overlooking the quality of messages they send, not because they can’t send quality messages, but because being efficient is a greater priority. When hand written letters were the norm for communicating, much time was spent during the writing process to ensure effective communication because few letters, by today’s standards, were sent out.

            Its possible that Simpson has it all wrong and that the academic setting is the real problem. Perhaps its rigid, inflexible constructs don’t allow students to synthesize the volume of knowledge that they normally do. Perhaps students are bored and not stimulated.

            Simpson states that “really living and connecting with people—requires concentration, not distraction”. It sounds as if Simpson believes that ‘connecting with people’ is something that happens one person at a time. In our generation, information is prized. The thoughts and ideas we seek are gleaned from volumes of people. No longer is one person enough to qualify an experience or an idea. This generation seeks to understand and contribute to the consensual understanding of people. We ensure sound scientific literature through peer reviewed studies, vote for our American Idol contestant, give five stars to YouTube videos, and contribute to open forum discussions to share expertise and knowledge. If our aim is to seek and verify truth and knowledge as a people, than connecting with the population is what matters most. Not, as Simpson believes, one person at a time.

Bavaria.

Our lives are stories. Stories connect people in ways that are too powerful to comprehend. Every conversation is a story. We must learn to harness the power of stories, become thoughtful of their presence, and learn to connect people through them. I need to practice stories.

It was slightly overcast when my eyes greeted the morning. There was a warm breeze that passed through the curtains. I overslept a full two hours. Still early enough for breakfast. The memories of the night prior were difficult to piece together. My partner stirred next to me. I sat up and rubbed the sleepies from my eyes. My hair was matted and knotted. My face was moist from sweat.

I jumped on the computer and checked the mail and looked at the forecast for the day. 70 deg. Not bad for Vermont. I jumped in the shower before I headed off the breakfast. I looked at the buffet of steaming food. The last few weeks of school are quite disappointing. The cafeteria slowly stops stocking up on food, and guarantees leftovers from the day prior. The variety thins out. The taste muddles into a bland medley. Oh well. This is when I begin trying the fresher foods that had a questionable integrity to their taste. You learn to enjoy the odd mixture of flavors. The cold salads, the casseroles, the vegan dishes.

I arrived in Amherst three hours late. My cousin greeted me with joy and open arms. With his hugs came a saturated stench of beer. Bavaria. Good times at the fraternal celebration. Pledging was done for him, and although he no longer needed to stomach unhealthy portions of beer, he continued the habit and drank on. Two hundred people gathered in the yard. Huddled masses congregated near the kegs in the corner. A constant supply of beer ran continuously. Ten beer pong tables. A pig corpse roasted above a pit of charcoal and wood. We grabbed cups and joined in. It was awkward at first. The football crew, obvious with their shirtless parades, were rambunctious and loud. The girls, as few as there were, found each other out and chit chatted about their summer plans.

It was spring. Everyone touted their jcrew shorts and spring smear colored polos. It didn’t take long for the alcohol to work its way in me. I was drunk and happy. I managed to find those who were visitors to the Amherst bonanza like myself. It was good.

Ganster Money

I just got my financial aid package in the mail… I looked at the numbers and, to my astonishment, received $52,000.

What does this mean? It means I just got a ton of free money… gangster money… and that I will be going to Vanderbilt University practically for free.

Who would have thought that three years ago I would be going to Vanderbilt University. Blows me away. Hard work, persistence, faith and all those success principles really do pay off. From a fast-times crazy partying high school drop out living on friends couches and bumming rides to work… to this. wow.

Story Telling

I was pissed yesterday because I typed up this long journal entry, submitted it, and it didn’t even save. Here we go again… abridged version…

My school contacted me yesterday about a author/journalist doing rsearch for a story involving college students overcoming adversity to achieve success. I was selected to tell my story. I had a phone interview and we spoke for about an hour, covering everything from my childhood to my teen years and the past two years at Landmark College. She’ll be writing it for the next several months and will be contacting me every so often to get information and check up with me. She’s particularly interested in my transition to Vanderbilt. The story itself will with a syndicated publication. Pretty neat. I’ll post any updates as I hear them.

CRAZY hell week going on here. Finals next week. I am pretty much burnt. Motivation, zip. I have much to study for and my focus is everywhere but where it should be. This means that, considering the amount of work that needs to be done, it is taking me twice as long to get things done. NOT efficient. Anyway… back to studying.

Multitasking State of Mind: Technology and its Effects

A journal response/rant to an essay by Joanne Cavanaugh Simpson titled Multitasking State of Mind

I agree with Simpson. These are not new thoughts. I feel more disconnected with the world now more than ever. I feel like a puppet master that articulates gestures to the world through mediums apart from me. I can tweak these gestures and reveal carefully chosen facades to the world.

I am exhausted, no doubt about it. I come to class in a stupor. My mind is in distant lands. It’s not whole, that’s for sure. When I say whole, I’m referring to a mind that’s all together at one place at a time. Instead my thoughts drift in all sorts of directions, leaving me spacey and unenthused. Why unenthused? My ability to conjure passion for a subject and the idiosyncrasies it possesses are virtually nonexistent. Let me tell you, it is a daily struggle to pry myself from the grips of the web. I can watch my mental state degenerate as I log in time on the computer. At the beginning of the day I find myself refreshed. I usually stay away from the net as long as possible… but once I’m there… it begins. My mind, its quiet thoughts that usually dwell on solving important priorities in my life, are off tending to random information consumed through news feeds. The news itself is usually enlightening… for a moment. Once I bring in new enlightening information it flees and usually never returns. I never have an opportunity to synthesize it, make sense of it. I’m constantly barraging myself with multisensory distractions.

The shame in all this is that I was raised in a family that shunned electronic devices. No cable TV, 30 minutes a day on the internet. When I was living at home I had to make fun. It was great. Today, and when I say today I’m referring to my life at college, I am a pathetic party pooper. I didn’t start off this way. Oh no. Upon prepping for college I was a voracious reader, pumping out four books a month the year prior to landmark. I would write in my journal for hours at a time. I was motivated and focused. I taught myself coping mechanisms that I could bring to landmark. That was before the laptop came into my life. Once this happened, and I was very conscious of it the moment it entered, I lost all self control. It was a slow loss of control at first. It came with justifying my internet and web surfing usage bit by bit. Hey, everyone’s doing it. All the cool links that fill up you inbox from your friends. I felt like I was missing out.

I remember restraining myself from using the net. Turning off the wireless function, limiting myself to ONLY school related programs and sites. Bit by bit however I found myself delving into the horrific world of instant gratification. Stimulus and reward had crept into my life. It is a horrifying realization of course. At this point I’m graduating… and I am absolutely, 100% full of CONTEMPT for technology. It has ruined my ‘chi’. It has destroyed my spiritual peace of mind. I am no longer in the present, aware, and disciplined. I have been infected by a virus that seeks only new information… whatever interests me and rewards these impulses. My mind seeks these out and grows wary in most other stimulus inquiries. I say it’s a virus because it has grown worse and worse, almost ravaging me, and now I can say I am a participant that drags other fresh untainted minds into the realm of stimulus/ information consumption.

I HAVE tried ridding myself of this virus. I have planned and allotted time for quality reading and thinking. I do journal. I do seek peace on walks and reflections on nature. But, alas, I find myself in front of the computer at the end of the day, checking emails, and there they are- more distractions, links and stimulus. I hate it. Nay, I loath it.

As some one with ADHD… I NEED control. I CRAVE it. I have accepted that I cannot necessarily control the way I learn, so I adapt and learn to control other factors. I create novel ways with learning. I choose my environments wisely. These actions offer me a control to work around myself. But nowadays, in my current state, I feel helpless. Out of control. My mind wanders to the technology and it it’s robbed and abused. The satisfaction is so temporary that it genuinely leaves me with no lasting feelings. I must feed off it.

The concentration element is another story. My concentration has been so corrupted that even my desire and goal to achieve meaningful tasks has grown into a heaping obstacle. This actually coincides with the communication aspect. Because my concentration has been so abused, my ability to initiate meaningful conversations has dwindled. How? People, unlike the web pages and images that plaster the internet landscape, have depth. This depth needs to be explored… and people do NOT readily present this information. Nope. You are required as a human to become genuinely interested and do some work at finding it. Digging it out. Communicating requires a certain level of interest where digging into that depth is achieved. In this way a connection can occur. Problem is, people don’t have links covering their body. They don’t advertise the interesting stuff. It’s buried deep within them. To get it out, you must seek, dig, and poke around. You must concentrate, use some working memory, make connections and discover them.

ALAS, people in this era have lost the patience for such an art. Book reading is the same way. Books are long, with complex plots. They require an interest and concentration that allows you to dig up and make associations. Articles on the web, short summaries, twitters, wall posts and status updates hardly required this level of thought. It goes in and just as fast as it goes it, it leaves.

So, would I agree with Simpson? Hell yes. She is on the money.

Do I think this multitasking trend is a good thing? Nope.  But I could argue the other way as well. In terms of health, absolutely not. In terms of adapting to the cultural trends, of course it’s a good thing. How would you survive in today’s fast paced, information crunching culture?!

But our minds, bodies and spirits have not evolved with these trends. We need quiet contemplation. It rocks my world this non-stop stimulation. It’s not even physically taxing. Simply mundane. It adds no REAL value to my life. Networking online with other virtually faceless profiles is an unfulfilling practice. We are only furthering a narcissistic urge to advertise our uniqueness to the populace. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ALL THE FUN I HAVE! MY COOL QUOTES! MY AWESOME PICTURES! LOOK WHAT IT CONNOTES! DENOTES!

The truth is… it is not bringing us closer to our goals… UNLESS that goal is to flatter ourselves. Swear to God. What the hell are these networking sites for anyway? To get ourselves out to the world!?? ‘Look at me!’ we say with our profiles, ‘I am special and unique and bring value!’ The HUGE problem is, I find that most people, including myself, put MORE time into the networking aspect, than to the value they are trying to project.

How a person spends every second of their day defines who they are. If we got real with ourselves, we’d realize we spend diddly-squat time reading and doing the things we advertise as our passions when we COMPARE the time we spend on technology. Compare the time people spend leisurely listening on their IPODS to music to actually making music. Or the people who browse art ALL day long on the internet, but how many hours a day do they spend painting? COUNTLESS other examples…

I can’t imagine all the damage we’re doing to ourselves.

In the end its all about perspective. I’m not really convinced this technology revolution will aid in the overall health of those involved. I believe in simplicity. Mathematics, physics, and all other great sciences, depend on simplicity. I believe, in our life, we need it. A life with focus is a life with direction. What focus can people say they have? Perhaps this whole trend of multitasking is a focus itself…

********

(I wrote this personal journal entry in January as a natural response to my own ruminations about the effects of the internet:

I’ve been wrestling lately. With thoughts. I’m wondering if the Internet is a bad or good thing. Most of my free time is spent reading blogs, e-mailing, watching videos, reading the news, checking updates or just plain surfing. I find that traditional reading has become more of a chore than it used to be.

It’s sad to think that’d I’d prefer to e-mail or message someone instead of call them on the phone. Catching up is done online. Catching up and conversing over a cup of coffee is almost unnecessary. I almost need something to do, like an activity or event to make our time a worthwhile experience. It seems like a waste of time when it’s all been said. After all the updates are read and all the blogs are perused, what else is there?

This is not a new thought or debate by any means. I feel that as much as this technology has made it easier and brought us together, I feel that we’re grown more alienated and impersonal than ever before. Even now I express these thoughts electronically, publicly.

I have a hard time remembering when certain people really knew me. When our relationship was something special and unique. That only a handful of people had the opportunity of knowing my day to day thoughts. I’ve become so transparent I feel lost. Where is the fidelity of a deep friendship?

Maybe this is a temporary feeling. I don’t know. I suppose I’m speaking to a very niche crowd. I know there are many nonconformists who live free of the networking hassle.

**********

Multitasking State of Mind: Technology and its affects

A journal response/rant to an essay by Joanne Cavanaugh Simpson titled Multitaskinbg State of Mind

I agree with Simpson. These are not new thoughts. I feel more disconnected with the world now more than ever. I feel like a puppet master that articulates gestures to the world through mediums apart from me. I can tweak these gestures and reveal carefully chosen facades to the world.

I am exhausted, no doubt about it. I come to class in a stupor. My mind is in distant lands. It’s not whole, that’s for sure. When I say whole, I’m referring to a mind that’s all together at one place at a time. Instead my thoughts drift in all sorts of directions, leaving me spacey and unenthused. Why unenthused? My ability to conjure passion for a subject and the idiosyncrasies it posses are virtually nonexistent. Let me tell you, it is a daily struggle to pry myself from the grips of the web. I can watch my mental state degenerate as I log in time on the computer. At the beginning of the day I find myself refreshed. I usually stay away from the net as long as possible… but once I’m there… it begins. My mind, its quiet thoughts that usually dwell on solving important priorities in my life, are off tending to random information consumed through news feeds. The news itself is usually enlightening… for a moment. Once I bring in new enlightening information it flees and usually never returns. I never have an opportunity to synthesize it, make sense of it. I’m constantly barraging myself with multisensory distractions.

The shame in all this is that I was raised in a family that shunned electronic devices. No cable TV, 30 minutes a day on the internet. When I was living at home I had to make fun. It was great. Today, and when I say today I’m referring to my life at college, I am a pathetic party pooper. I didn’t start off this way. Oh no. Upon prepping for college I was a voracious reader, pumping out four books a month the year prior to landmark. I would write in my journal for hours at a time. I was motivated and focused. I taught myself coping mechanisms that I could bring to landmark. That was before the laptop came into my life. Once this happened, and I was very conscious of it the moment it entered, I lost all self control. It was a slow loss of control at first. It came with justifying my internet and web surfing usage bit by bit. Hey, everyone’s doing it. All the cool links that fill up you inbox from your friends. I felt like I was missing out.

I remember restraining myself from using the net. Turning off the wireless function, limiting myself to ONLY school related programs and sites. Bit by bit however I found myself delving into the horrific world of instant gratification. Stimulus and reward had crept into my life. It is a horrifying realization of course. At this point I’m graduating… and I am absolutely, 100% full of CONTEMPT for technology. It has ruined my ‘chi’. It has destroyed my spiritual peace of mind. I am no longer in the present, aware, and disciplined. I have been infected by a virus that seeks only new information… whatever interests me and rewards these impulses. My mind seeks these out and grows wary in most other stimulus inquiries. I say it’s a virus because it has grown worse and worse, almost ravaging me, and now I can say I am a participant that drags other fresh untainted minds into the realm of stimulus/ information consumption.

I HAVE tried ridding myself of this virus. I have planned and allotted time for quality reading and thinking. I do journal. I do seek peace on walks and reflections on nature. But, alas, I find myself in front of the computer at the end of the day, checking emails, and there they are- more distractions, links and stimulus. I hate it. Nay, I loath it.

As some one with ADHD… I NEED control. I CRAVE it. I have accepted that I cannot necessarily control the way I learn, so I adapt and learn to control other factors. I create novel ways with learning. I choose my environments wisely. These actions offer me a control to work around myself. But nowadays, in my current state, I feel helpless. Out of control. My mind wanders to the technology and it it’s robbed and abused. The satisfaction is so temporary that it genuinely leaves me with no lasting feelings. I must feed off it.

The concentration element is another story. My concentration has been so corrupted that even my desire and goal to achieve meaningful tasks has grown into a heaping obstacle. This actually coincides with the communication aspect. Because my concentration has been so abused, my ability to initiate meaningful conversations has dwindled. How? People, unlike the web pages and images that plaster the internet landscape, have depth. This depth needs to be explored… and people do NOT readily present this information. Nope. You are required as a human people, to become genuinely interested and do some work at finding it. Digging it out. Communicating requires a certain level of interest where digging into that depth is achieved. In this way a connection can occur. Problem is, people don’t have links covering their body. They don’t advertise the interesting stuff. It’s buried deep within them. To get it out, you must seek, dig, and poke around. You must concentrate, use some working memory, make connections and discover them.

ALAS, people in this era have lost the patience for such an art. Book reading is the same way. Books are long, with complex plots. They require an interest and concentration that allows you to dig up and make associations. Articles on the web, short summaries, twitters, wall posts and status updates hardly required this level of though. It goes in and just as fast as it goes it, it leaves.

So, would I agree with Simpson? Hell yes. She is on the money.

Do I think this multitasking trend is a good thing? Nope.  But I could argue the other way as well. In terms of health, absolutely not. In terms of adapting to the cultural trends, of course it’s a good thing. How would you survive in today’s fast paced, information crunching culture?!

But our minds, bodies and spirits have not evolved with these trends. We need quiet contemplation. It rocks my world this non-stop stimulation. It’s not even physically taxing. Simply mundane. It adds no REAL value to my life. Networking online with other virtually faceless profiles is an unfulfilling practice. We are only furthering a narcissistic urge to advertise our uniqueness to the populace. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ALL THE FUN I HAVE! MY COOL QUOTES! MY AWESOME PICTURES! LOOK WHAT IT CONNOTES! DENOTES!

The truth is… it is not bringing us closer to our goals… UNLESS that goal is to flatter ourselves. Swear to God. What the hell are these networking sites for anyway? To get ourselves out to the world!?? ‘Look at me!’ we say with our profiles, ‘I am special and unique and bring value!’ The HUGE problem is, I find that most people, including myself, put MORE time into the networking aspect, than to the value they are trying to project.

How a person spends every second of their day defines who they are. If we got real with ourselves, we’d realize we spend diddly-squat time reading and doing the things we advertise as our passions when we COMPARE the time we spend on technology. Compare the time people spend leisurely listening on their IPODS to music to actually making music. Or the people who browse art ALL day long on the internet, but how many hours a day do they spend painting? COUNTLESS other examples…

I can’t imagine all the damage we’re doing to ourselves.

In the end its all about perspective. I’m not really convinced this technology revolution will aid in the overall health of those involved. I believe in simplicity. Mathematics, physics, and all other great sciences, depend on simplicity. I believe, in our life, we need it. A life with focus is a life with direction. What focus can people say they have? Perhaps this whole trend of multitasking is a focus itself…

********

(I wrote this personal journal entry in January as a natural response to my own ruminations about the effects of the internet:

I’ve been wrestling lately. With thoughts. I’m wondering if the Internet is a bad or good thing. Most of my free time is spent reading blogs, e-mailing, watching videos, reading the news, checking updates or just plain surfing. I find that traditional reading has become more of a chore than it used to be.

It’s sad to think that’d I’d prefer to e-mail or message someone instead of call them on the phone. Catching up is done online. Catching up and conversing over a cup of coffee is almost unnecessary. I almost need something to do, like an activity or event to make our time a worthwhile experience. It seems like a waste of time when it’s all been said. After all the updates are read and all the blogs are perused, what else is there?

This is not a new thought or debate by any means. I feel that as much as this technology has made it easier and brought us together, I feel that we’re grown more alienated and impersonal than ever before. Even now I express these thoughts electronically, publicly.

I have a hard time remembering when certain people really knew me. When our relationship was something special and unique. That only a handful of people had the opportunity of knowing my day to day thoughts. I’ve become so transparent I feel lost. Where is the fidelity of a deep friendship?

Maybe this is a temporary feeling. I don’t know. I suppose I’m speaking to a very niche crowd. I know there are many nonconformists who live free of the networking hassle.

 

**********

Succeeding with LD’s

This is an amazing article… I highly recommend it..

Identifying Alterable Patterns in Employment Success for Highly Successful Adults with Learning Disabilities

To sum it up, the article discusses the qualities that differentiate moderately successful people with learning disabilities (LD’s- ADHD & Dyslexia) and Highly Successful people with LD’s.

Since success is subject they broke it down into 5 qualities. There were 181 participants from a nominated group of 200.

I’ll write more about findings and applications of the study. For now, read it!

This world is changing. We want it now. We want the picture in front of us. We have no patience with details. Reading is a chore. We want pictures that provide all the details at once. We want instant gratification. What will this mean?

The older I get the harder it is to exchange the lens I peer through. I find it harder to become objective. i have more experiences to justify my ways. I want to be a child. I want to look at the world with wonder, with fresh eyes. My heart. Not my head. I feel that the head is too easily discouraged. It runs out of fuel at the end of the day. The heart creates it with imagination.

Pascal: Meaning of Life?

When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after, the little space which I fill, and even can see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I am frightened, and am astonished at being here rather than there; for there is no reason why here rather than there, why now rather than then. Who has put me here? By whose order and direction have this place and time been alloted to me?
B. Pascal, 1623-1662, French philosopher, physic and mathematician, Pensees (Penguin Classics)

quotes

“The person who is really in revolt is the optimist, who generally lives and dies in a desperate and suicidal effort to persuade other people how good they are.” – G.K.C.

“The true value of a man is not determined by his possession, supposed or real, of Truth, but rather by his sincere exertion to get the Truth. It is not possession of the Truth, but rather the pursuit of Truth by which he extends his powers and in which his ever-growing perfectability is to be found. Possession makes one passive, indolent, and proud. If God were to hold all Truth concealed in His right hand, and in his left only the steady and diligent drive for Truth, albeit with a proviso that I would always and forever err in the process, and to offer me the choice, I would with all humility take the left hand.”
–Gotthold Lessing, 1778

“O quam cito transit gloria mundi.” -Thomas à Kempis

‘To the feeling man, life is a tragedy. To the thinking man, life is a comedy.’

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” (Twain)

“Who you will someday be, you are now becoming.”

“Errors cease to be dangerous when it is freely permitted to contradict them” Jefferson

sx stry

Life is about freedom. Right?

Money is nice. I wonder if its a typical stage in ones life… the money stage… the success stage… being young and motivated by the desire to succeed and earn what’s deserved. I always imagine me being successful. Do i ever talk about anything interesting? I swear to God. I feel like I’m constantly mind dumping. I really have reached a point of complete zen-nirvana. My mind fails to distinguish between meaningful and unmeaningful thoughts. blah. man oh man.

Sex is great.

I had sex on a mountain last week. First time ever. It was great being at the peak, looking out over the horizon, watching the warm glowing sunset, butt-ass naked. I felt like I was in the last of the Mohican’s. Screw the damn hikers. The truth is we got some good IPA, went for a nice nature hike to the top of this mountain, breathed fresh air and enjoyed the mountain scenery. Nothing too strenuous… at first.

When we initially got the the top there were a lot of people up there… as we approached the summit we caught wind of melodious jingles, repetitious chanting, happy flutes, rhythmic drumming and what not. We thought it was some sort of cult gathering… turned out to be some sort of Scottish folk dancing club. It added to the whole mystique. It was majestic…the old flute/wind pipe was magical. It sounded like forest elf music…whatever that sounds like.

Anyway.. the top of this mountain had like… an AMAZING view… we were like one of the tallest mountains in the horizon… the clouds weren’t that far above our head. There happened to be awesome soft grass to lay on, likened to thick moss. Nice smooth rocks to sit on, or jump up on to peer at the rest of the landscape. I brought some trail mix to munch on and some nice india pale ale to savor.

We left before sunset so we could hike back down and not get lost. Unfortunately…. we took another path down. We are the adventurous sort… so it was the right thing to do. This path, as it turned out, didn’t take us back to our car, but on a 8 mile hike around the mountain. We didn’t realize it till about half way. The most tragic part was an hour and a half later, we thought we were on the right path… and we saw a clearing… and then a dreaded feeling hit me as I became more aware… we were at the top of the mountain again.

So we said fuck it.. exhausted… we plopped down. I don’t know why, but I got horny and she got horny and the next thing I know I was running around naked. Sex ensued thereafter. I think it relieved a lot of stress (I highly recommend nature sex. It was very invigorating). I hiked those 8 miles in sandals, because it was suppose to be a mile… not eight. We did manage to watch the sun set… which was gorgeous. We did end up finding our way back, practically in the dark. Next best thing happened. My car didn’t start. So I decided that we should roll down the mountain. I popped it into gear and started the engine that way… didn’t last long tho. My battery died and i had to call a tow truck anyway. boo hoo.

activation failure

I’m suffering from activation failure. I have quite a bit of essays and readings to catch up on. Especially in Advanced composition. I have a paper due Sunday. And about four readings due by 12 tonight. I have a calculus quiz tomorrow. And a cognitive psychology power point presentation due Sunday night.

Its been beautiful out recently.

Think extensively, not intensively.

My mind is in a fog. My motivation is waning. I need to get a renewed enthusiasm. Schools out in two weeks. Then I’m off to Nashville for the internship. I feel a little dead inside. I feel like a robot. A comfortable robot. Sometimes feeling like a robot is uncomfortable… its rigid, routine, and automated. Now I feel mindless. I feel like my will has dissipated. Eh.

Where is my curiosity? God. I feel so pathetic. Wheres my zest. I’m wondering… whereee aree youu?? I suppose there lies my answer. I shouldn’t be waiting for it. I feel like I sleep too often when I wait for it… and maybe I don’t even sleep… maybe I just feel fatigued. I’m gonna work out tonight. Do or Die. I did twice this week and it felt wonderful… wonderful when I look past the fact that I’m ridiculously out of shape. I get out of breath so fast. Like heart attack worthy. Where am I goinggg?????

I need to think more exactly! I need to act and not doubt. Make some decisions that I believe in. Decision means to cut off. Cut myself off from all other options but the one I choose.

What to think about… I need to shower. Award ceremony at 4:15. PTK meeting at 6:00. yay!

Where is my exciting life? I want excitement. I at least want imagination. I want to design myself a fun life… a fascinating life.

RelationshipS.

“Have you ever considered that if you were in a healthy committed relationshipt, in stead of it being a distraction or a nuisance , the both of you can support each others’ quest to accomplish goals, convictions, principles, visions, purpose, direction etc. It seems to me that you view relationships as a manipulative temptress rather than a companion to share and grow with. I would like to hear your response.” -Anonymous.

Well… depending on my mood, state, and current relationship status, my answer to this comment might vary a bit. I’m pretty bored at the moment so I figured I’d think this little comment out, see if theres any validity to it whatsoever, and answer according to my current convictions.

As I read this comment (oooh! good song came on.. ‘girl inform me’ by the shins)… as i read this comment it seems like its coming from someone who doesn’t know me very well. Or someone who thinks they know me well, but obviously does not. If they did they would know that I don’t really waste my time with relationships unless the person is exactly what I want in a girl. I don’t have time in my life, and they don’t have time in their life, to be with someone who doesn’t want them 100%.

At this time in my life my goal is to succeed and create as much potential in my future as possible. I am making up for lost time. I wasted much of my time when I was younger with these distractions- parties, people and girls. I am not saying they didn’t help shape me… I just wasn’t headed in the right direction when I should have been. And I say ‘wasted’ because very few of these people actually cared enough to encourage me to pursue my best… and I don’t necessarily blame them cause the vast majority of people out there don’t even know what ‘best’ is. They just float on.

Anywayyy… my goal in life is to succeed as much as I humanly possibly can considering the hole I dug myself into in high school, and the time I’ve lost. This means my priorities are #1 school (includes studying, clubs and organizations, internships, and any other educational or academic endeavor)… and #2 preparing for grad school (studying for a flawless gpa and LSAT, and building networks with future successful people).

Going back to girls. Beyond school… I really can’t be bothered. Not now. I may be MADLY in love… like… my heart hurts and my knees are weak in love, but that will never compromise my commitment to my goals. I will be committed to that person, they just can’t have priority in my life..not now anyway. I will be there for them, Love them to death, do everything I can for them….. EXCEPT… at the cost of my grades. Girls come and go… they have and they will. I’m looking for one that decides to stick it out… one that sees that all my hard work, my focus is FOR THEM.

I AM NOT WORKING OR STUDYING SOLELY FOR MYSELF. sure its great to achieve…its actually amazing. I love accomplishing goals… having desires that I just own. But in the end its pointless and meaningless if I have no one to share it with. Sure friends are nice… but I’m talking intimacy.

The honest to gods truth is that I am working to provide for my future wife. That women who is patient with me, who loves me, who will have my children, who will support my endeavors as I support hers. I will love someone so much one day… that I will be DEVASTATED if i can’t be all that I am meant to be for them. Every day I am working to give more of myself to my future wife- physically, emotionally, mentally. Anyway…

I am looking for a symbiotic relationship…where we can grow together… reach new heights together. and just be in love. LOVE IS PATIENT. Read 1st corinthians 13 and that’ll show you what I want in a women.

Relationships… yes… I love supporting people. I love encouraging people, I love being able to show people what success looks like by being a leader, a living example.

“Manipulative Temptress”… These words sound spiteful. I have love for everyone. I want to say that the last thing I try to do is intentionally hurt someone. Communication is key. I don’t want to manipulate them. I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I am not about selfish people, close minded people, stubborn people, prideful, egotistical, etc. I just will not waste my time with these relationships… I’m beyond it… my relationships don’t need it… nor does my life… nor do my future kids.

All I have to say is that one day… one day I will find someone who I love uncontrollably and loves me back. This love will be pure, innocent, and most of all… patient. It will put no constraints on fate. It will be genuine, forthright, and honest. I know I will find this because I will not settle for anything less. I will not let myself think that a relationship must be any other way. No relationship is perfect, but I believe that two people can make a commitment to work towards perfect… work towards harmony… work towards unifying their body, mind and soul.

Also… I believe that love is not something to be courted. If it is so, it will be so. No forcing it, no faking it. It will come effortlessly from within. The chemistry, the attraction, the fondness, the butterflies.

Also- It is not the end all be all. My companion will not make me happy. They will not ‘make’ my life any better. That is for me, and me only. My happiness rests in my hands… just as my thoughts do. We will complement each other, supplement each other, and believe in the best life has to offer for each other.

***

Other than that, theres not much to add… I could rant on forever. I don’t know what else to say, or how else to address the consideration…

I’m tired…night 🙂

FREAKIN OUT

AGHAGAGAH.

I HAVE THE WORST ANXIETY EVER!!

I need to write to vent… its my catharsis. FUCK. Maybe its the twelve ounces of red bull…or the coffee …maybe its the lack of sleep…maybe its the fact that I asked for an extension on this paper….

or maybe its the fact that I can’t stop thinking about getting a 4.0 the next four weeks. The stipulation on going to Vanderbilt is that I maintain the same performance I exhibited in previous semesters… which is a 4.0. SOoo… I’m freakin the fuck out cause I have all A’s and one A-… which scares the hell outta me… and its in ENGLISH. WTF. MY LOVE. MY PASSION is writing. Why the F do I have an A-? Well.. first is there is no excuse. But if I had to generate one it would be that on one of my papers I got an 80%. AN EIGHTY PERCENT. Why? I left school four days early for spring break to attend my childhood friends funeral… and the due date was among those days… and I thought I’d have an opportunity, or make an opportunity, to work on the paper… but I never did… and when the due date rolled around I just sent in what I had… which was utterly retarded… cause the paper was ridiculous.. for one- i had no conclusion… I’m not even gonna get into the rest of the stuff.

Anyway… I am freakin out… my mind is having a REALLY hard time generating content for the paper… as a result I’m caught up on form… which is REALLY hard since I don’t have a good base for the content. What the hell am I trying to form? So anyway… This paper is gonna be a crap shoot. I need to get it over with…and starting tomorrow forget that I need to get a 4.0 and go balls to the wall with my curiousity and intensity for learning for learnings sake. Not try to meet some expectations. just love the material and get to know it all.. in every subject… cause right now all i can think about is getting A’s and its retarded… instead of being curious, i’m dumbfounded.

Anyway… I need to get this anxiety outta my chest. Its eating me up. I am focused, but sick to my stomache. I can’t stop tapping my feet and shaking my leg. I also can’t stop checking my e-mail and reading the news… I HATE the damn internet. If I had it solely for E-mail. THAT would be cool. they I could actually FOCUS. instead… I have this whole web 2.0 bullshit… its like totally customized to my personality, tracking the sites I’ve been on, and presents me with all the shit thats most likely to get my attention- AKA DISTRACT ME. I did this to myself. I signed up for facebook… I have the damn livejournal. I have the damn rss news feed and igoogle with all the cool blog updates. I created the monsters. I need to escape. HOW THE HELL CAN I ESCAPE MY NATURAL INTERESTS. is this what I’m up against? is it a matter of suffocating my inclinations and the things that perk my inquisition?

WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!?!?!?!?!?!

gosh..
*breathes a sigh… looks around the library… notes that everyone is studying hard and not shaking or freaking out…*

*calms down*

Okay..I feel a little better… I will continue this paper, and before nine thirty, I will e-mail it to my teacher… I want to say ‘so help me god’ but I’m scared i wont send it out. Ok… south park… karl popper… open society… liberal democracy…extreme characters… creators supporting popper… for obvious reasons… allow for shock value… and uncensored criticisms towards important cultural forces.

and i’m off…