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I used to think it was a terrible thing that life was so unfair. Then I thought, ‘what if life were fair, and all of the terrible things that happen to us came because we really deserved them?’ Now I take great comfort in the general unfairness and hostility of the universe.
J. Michael Straczynski:

While education is the process of arriving at knowledge, it is more of a skill than a single process. We’re born into this world as a blank slate, completely void of knowledge and good sense. As we mature, we learn to differentiate the sensations around us. Nature provides each person with a set of genes that aid this pursuit.

The word ‘educate’ brings a surge of feelings, liberating and stifling. The world of education is one filled with struggle and pains that yield great joys. It is little different than being a farmer that has to manually toil his plot of land into something fruitful. Our minds are gifts, and through imagination we learn to create worlds that we can manipulate and use as we see fit.

For the majority of people, education and maturation are two worlds that go hand and hand. You cannot have one without the other. Education can be a conscious or unconscious endeavor. Whether we are conscious of these thoughts or not, every moment we are programming ourselves to certain thoughts and behaviors. Maturity is gained when these thoughts are diversified or thoroughly explored. More valuable than the ideas gleaned is the process in which ideas are acquired. Acquiring ideas involves a focused imagination coupled with an emotional investment akin to a passion that provides the thrust necessary to move forward to form connections.

Descartes marked the beginning of modern philosophy and a shift from classical philosophy. Believing the world begins within oneself, he moved away from the Aristotelian philosophy that thoughts and ‘being’ arose from sensations. He did not subscribe the idea that sensations revealed the true nature of substances. To avoid these biases, he put little faith in his past experiences. He rejected the world as it had been fed to him and relied solely on his reason. “Whatever I have up till now accepted as most true I have acquired either from the senses or through the senses” (7:18)

Descartes’ reliance on a divine cogito was a refreshing starting point for philosophers. As a child, I was inquisitive. My father fueled this inquisitive nature by asking questions in return to questions and never allowed me to settle on the initial answer. My development, however, was dictated my parent’s belief in god. Although I was undoubtedly shaped by peer influences and the culture, my parents would ultimately verify my knowledge and test it through biblical references. I grew up with this mentality that truth must be constantly sought out, to take nothing at first glance, to test and refine, yet the bible and god were definitive. As I grew old, unavoidable inconsistencies arose that were crucial to developing additional understanding. I stood by the belief system I was raised with, out of immaturity and naivety, but ventured outside and tested the limits. I believed that for every action there was a reaction. I did my best, even from the youngest age, to assume the reaction those around me expected instead of standing by my inclinations or my parental influences. It turned out that this shaped my perspective quite a bit. I realized that truth, or the understanding of it anyway, was a matter of perspective that retained plasticity. This allowed me to be much more empathetic to those around me, despite the rifts in our conflicting belief systems.

Because I never shut myself off from this influential perspective, I was never truly convinced in their power, the power of god and the supernatural and that specific way of life. I want to note that the bible and god are easy to believe in, especially when people sharing these belief systems with you have your best interest in mind, and especially when the majority of the values are universal and plainly work in the world. The legitimacy of their utility is avoidably clear; so as to appear that there is something to their claims.

As I got older however, I carried an immense guilt. I was not totally sold, inside and out, on the powers of god, mostly because I couldn’t see his power in the world around me. I could see what others thought, and their beliefs, and saw that the lives of these two people, theist and non theist, differed very little. I eventually came to grips with the fact that I was not fit for god’s kingdom, or broke, and gave up on seeking gods will.

After high school I reached a state of complete apathy. God gave up on me and I had no choice but to give up on myself. This state of being eroded my self confidence and changed my priorities to ephemeral fancies and short lived day to day gratifications.

After a dark period, which seemed like days but past on for several months, I began to accept some responsibility for my life. Not that my faith didn’t work, not that god had other plans, but that the power that I relied so heavily on was no outside of me, but within me. I began to have an intense breakthrough of personal development. I began setting goals relative to my strengths and desires, my wants and needs. I realized the powers of thoughts, and actions and their role in contributing to a set of behaviors and habits that led to a healthy character and life. I took charge and utilized this potential.

All the while however, I recognized and attributed that potential was a gift from god and god alone, and that I must put some trust in after all. This was an effective mode of operation until I realized that the belief in god is totally baseless. I noticed that theist and atheist alike retained potential, and that there is no indication that a supernatural being bestowed more potential in one person or another. The conception of god slowly transformed into a machination of the mind. Now, there may be a power that governs the universe, but to say that he is alive and active and maintains a personal relationship of open communication is false on any quantifiable account. Learning a great deal about cognitive psychology in college, I discovered that our mind is an untrustworthy thing to trust blindly in. “Know thyself”, said Thales. Know weaknesses, fallacies, strengths, and use reason and consult wisdom.

As I recognized this I realized that my belief system was founded in the sky and lacked any grounded foundations. There was a connection missing. Truth and understanding were my greatest aspirations, and I could not afford to overlook fallacies throughout life, however effective the current methods appeared.

While my belief system yielded the results I desired, I was lacking a philosophy that was receptive to competing philosophies. I had to reject any philosophy that undermined my philosophy in any way. This meant disregarding their perceptions and experiences, claiming that they were false and mine were right. This was the only was to preserve my belief system. However, this close mindedness made me doubt my own philosophy. Are my experiences, my reason and rational, any more legitimate than the man next to me? Is my destination any more guaranteed or favorable than mine? It is a simple choice of destination. A choice I had no will over if I subscribed to an absolutist mentality.

How could I have a philosophy that was open an accepting of others, yet focused on an origin of absolute truth that the majority of people faced? I could not reconcile the fact that one person’s belief system was any more founded than another’s. When I rejected the notion of god, and gave up pursuing an invisible will, I was faced with a reality that lacked order, rules and, most of all, meaning. When this world is created by a supreme divine being, it maintained intrinsic values and worth and purpose. A god not only offered a hope for order and answers amongst a world, it provided a context to frame my actions. When I rejected the notion of this god I was left alone. The principles that I accredited to this higher power now lost their footing and legitimacy. My goals were intimately tied to a foundation where decisions mattered. Ultimately your actions were weighed by this supreme God and there was favor for and against them that would become evident in your life through fortune or misfortune. Soon life became a giant game where your beliefs offer a confirmation bias for every action and thought. You create value before value is found by believing that value exists.

I was now alone, without direction, alienated from all past thoughts and directionless with no foundation. I was not passionately tied down to the ramifications of belief and disbelief. I was free. This freedom, where actions have no context other than the context you give them, became a paralyzing force. Principles no longer seemed to fit nicely into a schema or order. It wasn’t that my thoughts were upset, it was the values that I coined to each thought degraded. These values changed from a static to relative state. My ends, chief wants and desires, seemed to lose value. Virtues seemed to be useless because without ends, what matters of virtue? Ends, being relative, opened me up to a million different paths.

It is a terrifying thought to be blinded by biases. An act or subscription to a set of beliefs meant that attention must be diverted from another perspective. This is debilitating when one values contrasting experiences. Experience molds and shapes the shapeless. It creates ideas out of nothing, where no prior thoughts existed before. I still have values, however. I still retain a clear sense of right and wrong, however blurred the line. I have noticed that my ego have been prevailing much more than when I retained a selfless servant, or slave, mentality of Christendom. I believe this mentality can exist without the pretext of an absolute origin.

Education is a release of anxieties and jumping into an unknown. Fears keep
us from forming new ideas and opinions by countering our faith. I do not believe that religion is inherently bad, only that it refuses contrary perspectives. Fear stems from keeping a close guard on experiences, which force one to forfeit and limit understanding.

Existential crisis.

My crisis. Nothing ultimately matters. What I think is, is. This world is created and destroyed by my will. What matters of the best life, when all I simply have to do is deem it best. What is best, and for whom? And within what society? And why this society? And why subscribe to those values? Should I play the game?

The crisis sucked the reason and sense and zest out of life. I became a man on a road to no where all by myself. I saw that at the end of the day, my belief in reality was the only thing legitimizing it and validating it.

Maturation. Education. Can you be myopic and be educated? Can you be mislead and educated?

Poised, motionless at the desk. He has been sitting for hours, staring at the electronic screen. The occasional expression flickers across his face before disappearing with another thought. Thoughts blip across the mental horizon like an occasional lightning strike, powerful but momentary and fleeting. An ebbing crescendo of classical music penetrates silently in the background, interrupted by an occasional mouse click that echoes throughout the room. He draws in and lets out a restrained sigh. Hours pass. The eyes glaze over.

A single lamp is shining in the corner. The a/c gently wafts cool air into the room, swirling and circulating above him before it sinks and rests coolly on his body below.

The desk is cluttered. Red solo cups, keys, a cell phone, Oscar Wilde and William James, pens and pencils, and dozens of post-it notes that contain kind daily reminders and inspirational thoughts that read: “how you spend your time defines who you are” and “be a slave to good habits” and “do not settle”.

The boy leans back in his chair. He runs his hand through his hair and scratches his head, chasing the itch all over until he’s rubbing his face and hair with two hands.

**************

Finished East of Eden today. Best book I’ve ever come across in my life.

I’ve never had a problem with feelings. It’s typically the lack of dealings that I struggle with. Its upsetting when you crave strong feelings and the only word you can come up with describing your state of being is ‘indifferent’. Thats not too polarizing. It doesn’t really offer much of a platform for thought and motivation.

The day is beautiful. The trees are mottled with varying shades of yellow and red and orange. I saw the doctor at 8am this morning. He wants to put me on vyvanse. I took a drug test last week…but the test results will be in later today. This was the only appointment I could schedule with him. Unless of course i test positive for something…which would be sorta shocking… although I did smoke a lil reefer like three weeks ago. I should be in the clear tho. No amphetamines or anything of that sort.

I need some emotional anchors. What am i living for? hm… school is a tool. I should treat it as one. There shouldn’t me my time and their time… rest time and school time. It should be a singular experience.

I need to practice self control and belief. I should study longer and harder. I need a perspective or context in which to frame all the information I study though.

I remember a while back I had it all so figured out… i assessed my strengths… came up with reasonable goals based on those strengths… from there everything was easy. I work well with people, I’m fairly articulate. business consulting seemed to be right for me. choosing to study business and psychology seemed the natural choice. and everything i learned seemed to find a place within me. now I’ve gotten a little more existentialistic. i am removed from goals… i am preoccupied with self and being and i question the legitimacy of having a purpose. I was driven to fulfill this purpose when I had reasons and believed it was fate. now I see it as a construct of the mind… purely fabricated and illusory. I should recognize the utility of these illusions… they serve a purpose and are quite effective… more effective than my current state of skepticism. I suppose I should reexamine what I believe. I can’t go on accepting that nothing is really knowable, that all is a purely subjective perspective, and that nothing really, in the end, matters. I need to develop the idea that absolute truth does indeed exist. somehow i need to wrap my mind around the significance of seeking this absolute truth without throwing myself in absolute doubt when an initial premise or two is wrong.

ram.ble. I really want the typical raptures of college to subside. There is necessity beyond the binge sleep deprived groggy weekends. I can seek true fulfillment in my studies. I have two options before me all the time. I can indulge with the mindless masses. I can be one of them, never questioning the utility of participating in the often envied mob behaviors. Or I can stow away in the quiet corners, with my nose in books and my mind in the clouds, and absorb understanding that will provide me with strength to endure future challenges. No, socializing is great. Good times. But I really believe I’m meant to be in college for another reason. College was a real disappointment when I arrived. No one shared the same interest in personal growth and intellectual refinement. The majority of people still viewed it as a chore. They putted along the path that was already laid out before them. They never questioned nor veered from its course. Like animals being driven to greener pastures, only to find that these paths lead to a cliff’s edge… nay, a slaughterhouse. Not really… just felt like throwing that in there. I came to college full of vigor and hope that intellectual pursuit was mutually shared… that students shared and exchanged deep intellectual meditations. Colleges were august sanctuaries for those seeking pleasure in a world beyond temporary material satisfactions. Perhaps materialism is a unifying element. Perhaps too much is lost in the translation of ideas that spread satisfying pleasure. Materialism, in whatever effects you wish, is more universal and relatable. It transcends ideas.

There is nothing I despise more in myself then acting without thinking. Much more than acting without thinking, it is accepting the status quo as a modus operandi. Culture. It’s like the Jones kool aid. People mindlessly drink it down. They ingest the commercials, the advertisements, the shows, the celebrities, the politicians, the figureheads. The more people gather in a group, the less individualism there is among those people. I want to shake people and ask them why they do what they do. WHY do you dress like that? Why do you drink so heavily? Why do you listen to this music? I mean… really really why? Culture tells us how we should feel about certain things. We willfully accept that we have no choice in the matter. Who has heard this rebellion? I suppose it’s impossible to be an individual nowadays.

Humans are pattern seekers. We yearn for consistency and uniformity in order to achieve familiarity with our world. Its only natural we take on the behaviors of the masses. You cannot have a society without a collection of individuals, yet how much does one person, however spectacular and gifted, really change society? Society is like a charging locomotive. Will one piece of coal, however hotter it may burn, really change the course of the whole?

I’m writing a paper on education and maturity. I need to synthesize the writings of two philosophers. Either Descartes, Rousseau, Freud, or Nietzsche.

This weekend was Halloween. I told myself I was to stay in on Friday and Saturday. That didn’t work. I wanted to pick up extra hours at work this weekend…I didn’t go in on Saturday but went on Sunday. Friday night I drank far too much for my own good. I did bring a girl back with me both nights. I typically avoid this type of behavior- a clear indicator that I’m not where I want to be. I know this girl and we’ve been talking for a good while. I convinced myself for the weekend that I wanted something more from her. Now I realize that may not be the case. Also- she’s not on birth control and, after this weekend, I’m concerned that I might have another ill mikey running around. The idea is scary… I haven’t mentioned my concern because I’m hoping it’s just me being paranoid. I’ll think more on this later. I have an exam on Tuesday, two exams on Wednesday, and a paper due tomorrow and Friday. I will have no life this week.

Nashville!

The revelation for today that will illuminate the traverses of tomorrow is this: Your character is the sum of all your habits. Each willful act serves to exercise the plasticity that lends itself to self-actualization. Each time you choose to exert your will, or withhold your will, your character is strengthened, for better or for worse.

“Words of Wisdom: 1) To acquire new habits we must launch ourselves with as strong and decided an initiative as possible 2) Never suffer an exception to occur till the new habit is securely rooted in your life- continuity of training makes things infallibly right 3)Seize the very first possible opportunity to act on every resolution you make,and on every emotional prompting you may experience in the direction of the habits you aspire to gain.” [sic] W. James

rue·ful (rōō’fəl) adj. 1.Inspiring pity or compassion. 2. Causing, feeling, or expressing sorrow or regret.

Is it strange that I feel that I am in a perpetual regression? My ideals grow ever clearer and yet drift ever farther away.

Much to update on, but at the end of the day, life is pretty regular. I’m reading William James at the moment. I’m connecting with him in wondrous ways. He’s a pragmatist. [no triumph for the philosopher. claims and obligations. obligations and claims. What is good and what is demanded and the birth of ideals. distilling the essence of human history into an abstract and vague unitary system of ethics.]

I had fall break last week. I drank heavily on Wednesday night, woke at 7am, and drove 8 hours to Chicago with a few college pals. All day Thursday we visited the city, walking the entire loop and eventually ended up at The Second City comedy club. The following day we played cranium and vegetated from the previous nights debaucheries. Sunday we drove home.

Obviously I’ve have many thoughts between my last entry and this one here. I had thought about getting them out, but I made the decision to let them smolder and fume inside my gut. Perhaps I thought the discomfort would move me in some way.

There are the easy going moods and the strenuous moods. Easy going moods simply allow us to shirk from our current ills, where complacency veils and sunders our senses. Strenuous moods allow us to become indifferent to these ills, allowing us to justify moment by moment creations and impacts. We grab at the essence and wrestle till functionality exists.

I am too easy going at the moment. I need fire. I need dissatisfaction to blow a luculent hole through my head so I can wake from this stupor.

I have so much on my mind, but I inhibit the thought and feelings out of fear.

I live, to be sure, by the practical faith that we must go on experiencing and thinking over our experience, for only thus can our opinions grow more true; but to hold any one of them– I absolutely do not care which– as if it never could be reinterpreteable or corrigible, I believe to be a tremendously mistaken attitude, and I think that the whole history of philosophy will bear me out. –William James, The Will to Believe

pul·chri·tu·di·nous (pŭl’krĭ-tōōd’n-əs, -tyōōd’-)
adj. Characterized by or having great physical beauty and appeal.

I am reading East of Eden. As busy as I am, I managed to read eight chapters today. John Steinbeck may just be my favorite author. I delight in the way he limns the affections and constitutions of each character and weaves their competing vibrancies into a story of their own. There is so much unpredictable depth in his writing.

On another note, I have a Geology quiz I need to take before 12:00am. It’s 11:32pm. I also I a paper due Thursday (my own personal deadline). & a 3-hour Lab Mid-term tomorrow. eek.

I need to write more. Alas, =)

Ok- so these are my application essays for Alternative Spring Break. They’re still in the rough draft phase but this is my basic template. Alternative Spring Break is a program at Vandy where students spend their Spring Break helping impoverished people in North and South America instead of partying in Panama City or Cancun. Its an awesome opportunity… and I think it’ll be fun.

I get to choose my top three site locations out of 36 total sites…and then rank the remaining. I customized the essays to my personal goals. Yea they’re cheesy… but its competitive… and they read thousands of applications. I figure I should make my reasons for going short and relevant.

1. What are your top three site choices and why did you select them? Please be specific.

My top three preferred choices are: Lovin’ Spoonful – Utuado, Puerto Rico, A Whole New World — Xela, Guatemala, Island in the Sun — Andros Island, Bahamas.

I specifically chose these locations because they directly relate to a personal overseas project I am in the process of developing. My goal is to establish a sustainable community development center in areas of Bangladesh where education, good health, and basic resources are scarce. The purpose of this center is to provide a means to empower members in these communities through education and aid. With a population of 150 million living in an area the size of Iowa, the Bengali are living well below the poverty line with little hope to improve their condition. This project is aimed at empowering them through a means to acquire services and knowledge that will help the people and community grow stronger. I plan to continually develop this project throughout college until graduation when I will move to Bangladesh to establish the center.

How does that relate to these locations? Each of these locations considers a crucial aspect of community development. In Puerto Rico, the focus is on utilizing the available resources, in this case coffee agriculture, in order to create sustainable living and wealth within the community. In Guatemala, the focus is on the providing vital healthcare that aids to improve impoverished lives and contributing to a communities overall well being. When establishing the center, the medical care and health education aspect may be the most significant aspect to helping these communities. Finally, the Bahamas focuses on education, one of the most empowering aspects that my proposed community will emphasize. In the Bahamas I will have a unique opportunity to learn how to implement an effective library system where community members can visit for additional child and adult education. Learning how to implement a library system is exactly the kind of useful experience I will need in order to help shape the education aspect of my proposed center.

2. What aspect(s) about Alternative Spring Break most interest you?

In addition to all these listed reasons, one of the most motivating reasons for choosing these locations over similar locations in the US is that, while I have traveled and moved extensively throughout the US, I have never traveled overseas. I think having these experiences will help shape and mold my vision as well as anchor my appreciation for impoverished cultures I’ve only had the experience to read about.

Most of all, however, is the opportunity to give something myself in someway to someone in need. At the end of the day, I don’t mind where I end up as long as I’m working alongside similar peers who share a passion for giving a piece of themselves to those in need. I think the relationships I make with these service oriented people will make the experience all the more worthwhile.

3. Describe a person, event, or experience that has helped shape your perspective on a certain issue.

After high school I took two gap years to gain some perspective on life. I felt as though I was hurried along throughout school and never had an opportunity to truly define myself and my goals. During these two years my parents made sure I was gaining some real life experience. They stripped me of most of the support I depended on throughout my childhood and forced me to support myself. During these two years I paid my own rent and phone bills, bought my own car, and maintained multiple jobs. To a certain extent, I was a fully functional adult within the society. During this period I had the opportunity to work with a variety of people of different ages and at different stages in their life. Meeting these people gave me a unique perspective on how I should approach opportunities that I usually took for granted. Although I thought these two years would offer me much needed freedom, I realized just how bound I was and that if I was ever going to have the freedom I desired, taking advantage of opportunities early in life, specifically with my education, would be key.

These years not only allowed me to put away childish behaviors and fantasies, but gave me a profound appreciation for just how much I have been given. Academics are no longer a fruitless and directionless endeavor; they are a job I take seriously that will allow me to actualize myself and my goals.

Please share with us any additional comments that you feel might be helpful in the process of selecting and placing you as an ASB participant.

Eventually I will pursue a degree in Law with an emphasis on ethics and human rights.

Slave morality, out of oppression, creates its own imaginative moral valuations in an effort to overcome the master morality. These covert insidious subversions empower, giving slave morality a new and unique depth and hatred. But when the slave morality triumphs, leaving no fear of the master morality, what then? …Out of touch with reality, we turn inward, growing weary and nihilistic towards common man, and ultimately destroy ourselves.

Lets not destroy ourselves.

Conspiracy theories are an outspring of slave morality: Poisonous imaginative valuations that seek to bring down the master morality. This hatred and evil that the slave imagines are his only power. The master exists in the present and gives little thought to the condition of the slave, other than a careless and impatient afterthought of contempt. He is self confident and uses the slave only to draw a distinction between his greatness and their meanness.

When the slave morality prevails, what then? If the slave morality becomes the apex, he will continue to remain as he is, a slave, for he knows nothing else and no other power. His machinations will become inversions of hatred and evil toward himself, the common man. Thus we drift towards nihilism as our culture becomes weary and dull and insipid. This is how we destroy ourselves.

I am saying, put this behind you. This whole idea of bringing down the master is a feeble attempt to regain a power the slave was never meant to have- either because he is a slave, or because he is something greater.

Its three in the morning. I have class at 9.

What did I do this weekend? The usual fraternization.

Do I have anything interesting to say? I’m reading Nietzsche. He’s a lil crazy.

Tomorrow I hope to learn if I’m understanding all his abstractions. Nietzsche disorients you and leads you at the same time. This week is going to be extremely busy. I have homecoming Thurs-Sun. Quake is on Thursday… Asher Roth, Pitbull and OAR are playing. In addition to the homecoming game and drinking festivities, the policy debate team is hosting a tournament from friday to sunday. This is extremely inconvenient. Because we’re hosting, I have to help staff. This means that I won’t be able to get drunkie and tailgate and go to the Vandy/UG game. ALSO- my best friend is coming to visit me. He graduated in may with a geography degree… has no idea what he’s doing with life… so he decided to take a road trip. with another buddy. He’ll be pitstopping that weekend. gosh. what a crappy time to host a debate tournament.

Anyway… I don’t have anything poetic or interesting on my mind at the moment. I need to be more creative. night.

Here’s my response to my readings this evening.

Life doesn’t have to be hard, difficult, unpleasant, gloomy, or anything like that.
Life can be beautiful, full of love and hope and adventure and life.

I am not my pictures, I am not my quotes, I am not my relationships, I am not these words. I am much more and much less.

I really shouldn’t be doing this right now. It’s 1:15 in the morning and I have work in a few short hours. (long entries are never fun to read… neither are unparagraphed thoughts, but i got that covered.)

I thought I’d use my wisdom and go to bed early, so I hit the sack around 8am… but I failed to do the math. My bodies been running on 6 hours a night… and I wake at 7 for work. Soo… 11 hours of sleep… a little much. fml.

So here I am… I thought I’d begin reading Nietzsche’s geneology of morals… and I did begin this evening, but I fell asleep and went with it.

I am a big day dreamer… I need to learn how to capture the essence of those dreams. Whenever I have flashes of moving inspiration, or alternative realities, I always tell myself that I will jot them down, and sometimes I do in my paper journal, but the power usually dwindles by the time I get around to it… so what comes out are a few lifeless lines that hardly do the dream justice.

Me. Its so interesting how we evolve as people. No one is static.

Where the hell is the depth? God. I feel so shallow right now. My life has no discord, has no strife. I feel totally bored by it all. My academics pose no threat because nothing is at stake. School is a joke when you get down to it. At the end of the day the real battle is between the will to succeed and the will exist (oh yes, the will to exist. and its strong). When the stakes are greatest I perform my best.

It is interesting to note that I alone deem what the stakes are and when they are. No one can instil importance in me unless I see the true value. Sports, for instance, always illustrated this for me. I remember instances in swimming, before I was dubbed a great swimmer, when no one thought much of me doing well so everyone’s encouragement was mediocre. To me, on the other hand, the match was equivalent to my personal self worth and meant quite a deal. During the race I would completely dominate and supercede everyones expectations by not only winning, but smashing the competition. Eventually I would realize that I was a good swimmer, or I had that potential in me, so my self worth was instated. Trying seemed silly. So thing for academics.

As I grew older I realized that consistently succeeding is what counts.

********

I feel so selfish. I’d love to study how egocentric man is. I try to perform meta analysis on myself and I see that my little bubble of reality is so finite. I can’t really blame myself for it. I give myself much more credit for being objective than is rightfully due.

There is no such thing as normal. I want everyone to like me, and when they don’t it pains me. Probably the result of some self esteem or security issues. With this in mind, I have been realizing over the years that some people just won’t be interested in you, and that the more you think about being attractive to them, the less you can be yourself, which is the most attractive thing. I mess this up way too often. I destroy who I am by being who I’m not. I am overly concerned with their thoughts and opinions than is needed.

Where is PASSION!

I have a need for passion in my life right now. And goals. This is the first semester I have no developed and written down/printed a list of goals for myself. I think it’s having an impact.

I think I will write these goals out tomorrow.

I want to be a thinker. Maybe my classes are not stimulating enough. I should journal about my philosophy classes. I’m reading Kant’s A Grounding for the Metaphysics of Morals right now… just finished Hume’s Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals and Frued’s Civilization and its Discontents. I would love to journal as I read, but I just haven’t the time. I cannot devote hours upon hours of intellectual thought to a single subject. School requires too much from you.

Passion. I have always believed passion is what is most natural and instinctual. We tame and discipline these instincts as we get older and responsibilities grab hold. We trap them and smother them and funnel them into unnatural outlets. I would love for those passions to run free again. I can’t even remember what opens them up. I know philosophy does wonders… I know writing moves me.

I would like to develop my writing skills. I think my writing needs much work. It’s weird that I am communicating and criticizing my writing through the written word. (Or typed word… I wonder if there is a difference? I know written is more thoughtful… cause its so much slower… but its crisper and cleaner and tighter… but I often lose myself when trying to articulate large issues because of this). How to become a better writer? I’ve noticed over the years I’ve developed I voice. This written voice has a personality that is distinct from my own. I wonder how effective it is?

*******************

I had a geology exam today. We’ll see how i did… felt good but who knows.

I have a Macro exam on friday… with Buckles. He manages to maintain the reputation as the most challenging teacher campus wide. No other professor in any other subject is so reputable. Is he good? I suppose that is debatable. He is challenging though.

*****************

I want depth in my life. How can this be achieved? More contemplation? More exactness in my goals?

WOW. I just realized I don’t have any personal goals for myself. I mean… no daily things I can work on to become a better person. What new habits am I developing daily? I can’t see any. This is disturbing.

I’m hungry… It’s 1:51am.

I think I’ll try to go to bed.

“Teach a man to live rather than to avoid death: life is not breath, but action, the use of our senses, our mind, our faculties, every part of ourselves which makes us conscious of our being. Life consists less in length of days than in the keen sense of living. A man may be buried at a hundred and may never have lived at all. He would have fared better had he died young.”
– Rousseau, Emile

“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love”
-Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents

i am sick. it hurts.

This weekend was pretty exciting. My birthday, combined with parents weekend and a football game, made for an exciting weekend. I’ll dictate when I have time.

Today’s a busy day. After classes I run to the doctor… my attempt to get some stimulants, followed by a trek to my employer so I can hand in some work documentation.

I have two exams this week… and a rough draft due. Wednesday and Friday. Busy days.

I think my rents are getting my a camera for my birthday. I’m pretty sure this is the first gift they volunteered me in many years. Hopefully that’ll happen… then I’ll be able to document my life with an extra dimension.

“I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce and agriculture in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain.” – John Adams

I was just in line at Qdoba. amazing. I just got two free burritos. One was a coupon this guy handed me for a free breakfast burrito. the other was my, buy 10 burritos get one free deal. Score.

So in line, I met quite a few people. Belmont alum… who wished they were from Vandy… they exuded defensive pretentiousness. Also, some amazing Vanderbilt TA’s. One was 25 from Tokyo with broken english (chen)… cute as anything. the other from Southern France (victor. sorta queer… not in an offensive or weird way… just different and interesting. no one else in the line liked them or held a conversation with him.. but I did. and i enjoyed it). I liked both quite a bit. She was studying… who knows… a bunch of ridiculous hard stuff. He, at 23, was on his way to fulfilling his Phd in American literature (finished BA in france and his MA in Brighton) He came to Vanderbilt so he could use our library. bitch. I’m 23, and i’m not even done my undergrad. lol.

anyway… he was cool. We talked politics, and international issues. he’s fiscally conservative, and politically social. He asked me if I had family values… i said why ofcourse… he chuckled and said why… I said cause I was brought up with them, and i believe they work… he said are you liberal?…i said I stand to the left and lean to the right… he said you are a conservative.

I was like… BIOTCH. France dude!, what do you know?!

Soo…. I went to Pike tonight. Nappy roots played. I hate douchbags who think they are cool… they have all their brothers and shit… and think they own shit. When in reality… in the real world… they are a giant, saggy, genital part (trying not to be gender biased here). with little or no social, OR cool, skillz. So. Basically my friend got kicked out for no reason. So i’m bitter. but it was family weekend so I drank with moms and dads… and it was awesome.

they i went to Phi kap.

and danced with fine ladies.

Then I talked to a brother at Phi delt. He was from Greenwich Ct. Awesome dude.

Then I smoked an l. and then I stood on a ledge with a 100ft drop. then my friends started screaming bloody murder… sayin I was a crazy mofo. then i got down.

The i went to the Q.

I’m drunk.

Tomorrow I’m doing ridiculous amounts of homework. Its 5am!

efrpoewurpej.

Night.

Beauty is vulnerable? Is natural?

Civilization a result of building on progressive dissatisfactions?

God is the father because he represents what is dominant and the source of security and development?

Has achievement made man a prosthetic god?

Cleanliness, order, and beauty- Do these characterize civilization?

Instincts- our drives.

Sublimination- the supression of instincts. Is this the crux, or origin, of civilization? Does conflict move man to achieve? to overcome? Are these subliminations the source of civilization, our achievements?

Constructivist epistemology

Well, I slept in today. I meant to wake at 11 to see the former President of Chile speak on some international issues. He’s got a Phd from Duke and is suppose to be quite the reputable academic. Instead of waking at 9, i hit snooze and slept through it till 12.

On another note, I GOT THE JOB. I’m pretty excited. Forfeit some not-so-free time for money. I begin next week… Tuesday probably. I’m not even sure the full extent of my job. I do know that I’ll be researching various findings for Autism, Progesterone therapy, and other such things… using medical databases and what not.

How that relates to economics or philosophy? It doesn’t. But I’m a man of assorted interests. Hopefully it’ll open my eyes to new perspectives, or opportunities fo mo money.

My office will be in a lil room shared with three other researchers. The interview went well. The program coordinator loved me… then she dumped me on the research squad, composed of biomedical engineers, biologists, ecologist, behavioral scientists and the such. They were all twenty three to thirty. I liked the fact that they were more or less my age. They seemed to like me as well.

I must say, being interviewed by a bunch of scientists and engineers is a hell of a lot different than being interviewed by a businessman. I’m sure you can imagine.

I have Us Gov and Politics in about… hm… 30 min. I haven’t eaten breakfast, or lunch, and I have class is like 2 hours long. I should eat.

And my birthday’s in three days. yay.

Ciao.