Category: Uncategorized

Story Telling

I was pissed yesterday because I typed up this long journal entry, submitted it, and it didn’t even save. Here we go again… abridged version…

My school contacted me yesterday about a author/journalist doing rsearch for a story involving college students overcoming adversity to achieve success. I was selected to tell my story. I had a phone interview and we spoke for about an hour, covering everything from my childhood to my teen years and the past two years at Landmark College. She’ll be writing it for the next several months and will be contacting me every so often to get information and check up with me. She’s particularly interested in my transition to Vanderbilt. The story itself will with a syndicated publication. Pretty neat. I’ll post any updates as I hear them.

CRAZY hell week going on here. Finals next week. I am pretty much burnt. Motivation, zip. I have much to study for and my focus is everywhere but where it should be. This means that, considering the amount of work that needs to be done, it is taking me twice as long to get things done. NOT efficient. Anyway… back to studying.

Multitasking State of Mind: Technology and its Effects

A journal response/rant to an essay by Joanne Cavanaugh Simpson titled Multitasking State of Mind

I agree with Simpson. These are not new thoughts. I feel more disconnected with the world now more than ever. I feel like a puppet master that articulates gestures to the world through mediums apart from me. I can tweak these gestures and reveal carefully chosen facades to the world.

I am exhausted, no doubt about it. I come to class in a stupor. My mind is in distant lands. It’s not whole, that’s for sure. When I say whole, I’m referring to a mind that’s all together at one place at a time. Instead my thoughts drift in all sorts of directions, leaving me spacey and unenthused. Why unenthused? My ability to conjure passion for a subject and the idiosyncrasies it possesses are virtually nonexistent. Let me tell you, it is a daily struggle to pry myself from the grips of the web. I can watch my mental state degenerate as I log in time on the computer. At the beginning of the day I find myself refreshed. I usually stay away from the net as long as possible… but once I’m there… it begins. My mind, its quiet thoughts that usually dwell on solving important priorities in my life, are off tending to random information consumed through news feeds. The news itself is usually enlightening… for a moment. Once I bring in new enlightening information it flees and usually never returns. I never have an opportunity to synthesize it, make sense of it. I’m constantly barraging myself with multisensory distractions.

The shame in all this is that I was raised in a family that shunned electronic devices. No cable TV, 30 minutes a day on the internet. When I was living at home I had to make fun. It was great. Today, and when I say today I’m referring to my life at college, I am a pathetic party pooper. I didn’t start off this way. Oh no. Upon prepping for college I was a voracious reader, pumping out four books a month the year prior to landmark. I would write in my journal for hours at a time. I was motivated and focused. I taught myself coping mechanisms that I could bring to landmark. That was before the laptop came into my life. Once this happened, and I was very conscious of it the moment it entered, I lost all self control. It was a slow loss of control at first. It came with justifying my internet and web surfing usage bit by bit. Hey, everyone’s doing it. All the cool links that fill up you inbox from your friends. I felt like I was missing out.

I remember restraining myself from using the net. Turning off the wireless function, limiting myself to ONLY school related programs and sites. Bit by bit however I found myself delving into the horrific world of instant gratification. Stimulus and reward had crept into my life. It is a horrifying realization of course. At this point I’m graduating… and I am absolutely, 100% full of CONTEMPT for technology. It has ruined my ‘chi’. It has destroyed my spiritual peace of mind. I am no longer in the present, aware, and disciplined. I have been infected by a virus that seeks only new information… whatever interests me and rewards these impulses. My mind seeks these out and grows wary in most other stimulus inquiries. I say it’s a virus because it has grown worse and worse, almost ravaging me, and now I can say I am a participant that drags other fresh untainted minds into the realm of stimulus/ information consumption.

I HAVE tried ridding myself of this virus. I have planned and allotted time for quality reading and thinking. I do journal. I do seek peace on walks and reflections on nature. But, alas, I find myself in front of the computer at the end of the day, checking emails, and there they are- more distractions, links and stimulus. I hate it. Nay, I loath it.

As some one with ADHD… I NEED control. I CRAVE it. I have accepted that I cannot necessarily control the way I learn, so I adapt and learn to control other factors. I create novel ways with learning. I choose my environments wisely. These actions offer me a control to work around myself. But nowadays, in my current state, I feel helpless. Out of control. My mind wanders to the technology and it it’s robbed and abused. The satisfaction is so temporary that it genuinely leaves me with no lasting feelings. I must feed off it.

The concentration element is another story. My concentration has been so corrupted that even my desire and goal to achieve meaningful tasks has grown into a heaping obstacle. This actually coincides with the communication aspect. Because my concentration has been so abused, my ability to initiate meaningful conversations has dwindled. How? People, unlike the web pages and images that plaster the internet landscape, have depth. This depth needs to be explored… and people do NOT readily present this information. Nope. You are required as a human to become genuinely interested and do some work at finding it. Digging it out. Communicating requires a certain level of interest where digging into that depth is achieved. In this way a connection can occur. Problem is, people don’t have links covering their body. They don’t advertise the interesting stuff. It’s buried deep within them. To get it out, you must seek, dig, and poke around. You must concentrate, use some working memory, make connections and discover them.

ALAS, people in this era have lost the patience for such an art. Book reading is the same way. Books are long, with complex plots. They require an interest and concentration that allows you to dig up and make associations. Articles on the web, short summaries, twitters, wall posts and status updates hardly required this level of thought. It goes in and just as fast as it goes it, it leaves.

So, would I agree with Simpson? Hell yes. She is on the money.

Do I think this multitasking trend is a good thing? Nope.  But I could argue the other way as well. In terms of health, absolutely not. In terms of adapting to the cultural trends, of course it’s a good thing. How would you survive in today’s fast paced, information crunching culture?!

But our minds, bodies and spirits have not evolved with these trends. We need quiet contemplation. It rocks my world this non-stop stimulation. It’s not even physically taxing. Simply mundane. It adds no REAL value to my life. Networking online with other virtually faceless profiles is an unfulfilling practice. We are only furthering a narcissistic urge to advertise our uniqueness to the populace. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ALL THE FUN I HAVE! MY COOL QUOTES! MY AWESOME PICTURES! LOOK WHAT IT CONNOTES! DENOTES!

The truth is… it is not bringing us closer to our goals… UNLESS that goal is to flatter ourselves. Swear to God. What the hell are these networking sites for anyway? To get ourselves out to the world!?? ‘Look at me!’ we say with our profiles, ‘I am special and unique and bring value!’ The HUGE problem is, I find that most people, including myself, put MORE time into the networking aspect, than to the value they are trying to project.

How a person spends every second of their day defines who they are. If we got real with ourselves, we’d realize we spend diddly-squat time reading and doing the things we advertise as our passions when we COMPARE the time we spend on technology. Compare the time people spend leisurely listening on their IPODS to music to actually making music. Or the people who browse art ALL day long on the internet, but how many hours a day do they spend painting? COUNTLESS other examples…

I can’t imagine all the damage we’re doing to ourselves.

In the end its all about perspective. I’m not really convinced this technology revolution will aid in the overall health of those involved. I believe in simplicity. Mathematics, physics, and all other great sciences, depend on simplicity. I believe, in our life, we need it. A life with focus is a life with direction. What focus can people say they have? Perhaps this whole trend of multitasking is a focus itself…

********

(I wrote this personal journal entry in January as a natural response to my own ruminations about the effects of the internet:

I’ve been wrestling lately. With thoughts. I’m wondering if the Internet is a bad or good thing. Most of my free time is spent reading blogs, e-mailing, watching videos, reading the news, checking updates or just plain surfing. I find that traditional reading has become more of a chore than it used to be.

It’s sad to think that’d I’d prefer to e-mail or message someone instead of call them on the phone. Catching up is done online. Catching up and conversing over a cup of coffee is almost unnecessary. I almost need something to do, like an activity or event to make our time a worthwhile experience. It seems like a waste of time when it’s all been said. After all the updates are read and all the blogs are perused, what else is there?

This is not a new thought or debate by any means. I feel that as much as this technology has made it easier and brought us together, I feel that we’re grown more alienated and impersonal than ever before. Even now I express these thoughts electronically, publicly.

I have a hard time remembering when certain people really knew me. When our relationship was something special and unique. That only a handful of people had the opportunity of knowing my day to day thoughts. I’ve become so transparent I feel lost. Where is the fidelity of a deep friendship?

Maybe this is a temporary feeling. I don’t know. I suppose I’m speaking to a very niche crowd. I know there are many nonconformists who live free of the networking hassle.

**********

Multitasking State of Mind: Technology and its affects

A journal response/rant to an essay by Joanne Cavanaugh Simpson titled Multitaskinbg State of Mind

I agree with Simpson. These are not new thoughts. I feel more disconnected with the world now more than ever. I feel like a puppet master that articulates gestures to the world through mediums apart from me. I can tweak these gestures and reveal carefully chosen facades to the world.

I am exhausted, no doubt about it. I come to class in a stupor. My mind is in distant lands. It’s not whole, that’s for sure. When I say whole, I’m referring to a mind that’s all together at one place at a time. Instead my thoughts drift in all sorts of directions, leaving me spacey and unenthused. Why unenthused? My ability to conjure passion for a subject and the idiosyncrasies it posses are virtually nonexistent. Let me tell you, it is a daily struggle to pry myself from the grips of the web. I can watch my mental state degenerate as I log in time on the computer. At the beginning of the day I find myself refreshed. I usually stay away from the net as long as possible… but once I’m there… it begins. My mind, its quiet thoughts that usually dwell on solving important priorities in my life, are off tending to random information consumed through news feeds. The news itself is usually enlightening… for a moment. Once I bring in new enlightening information it flees and usually never returns. I never have an opportunity to synthesize it, make sense of it. I’m constantly barraging myself with multisensory distractions.

The shame in all this is that I was raised in a family that shunned electronic devices. No cable TV, 30 minutes a day on the internet. When I was living at home I had to make fun. It was great. Today, and when I say today I’m referring to my life at college, I am a pathetic party pooper. I didn’t start off this way. Oh no. Upon prepping for college I was a voracious reader, pumping out four books a month the year prior to landmark. I would write in my journal for hours at a time. I was motivated and focused. I taught myself coping mechanisms that I could bring to landmark. That was before the laptop came into my life. Once this happened, and I was very conscious of it the moment it entered, I lost all self control. It was a slow loss of control at first. It came with justifying my internet and web surfing usage bit by bit. Hey, everyone’s doing it. All the cool links that fill up you inbox from your friends. I felt like I was missing out.

I remember restraining myself from using the net. Turning off the wireless function, limiting myself to ONLY school related programs and sites. Bit by bit however I found myself delving into the horrific world of instant gratification. Stimulus and reward had crept into my life. It is a horrifying realization of course. At this point I’m graduating… and I am absolutely, 100% full of CONTEMPT for technology. It has ruined my ‘chi’. It has destroyed my spiritual peace of mind. I am no longer in the present, aware, and disciplined. I have been infected by a virus that seeks only new information… whatever interests me and rewards these impulses. My mind seeks these out and grows wary in most other stimulus inquiries. I say it’s a virus because it has grown worse and worse, almost ravaging me, and now I can say I am a participant that drags other fresh untainted minds into the realm of stimulus/ information consumption.

I HAVE tried ridding myself of this virus. I have planned and allotted time for quality reading and thinking. I do journal. I do seek peace on walks and reflections on nature. But, alas, I find myself in front of the computer at the end of the day, checking emails, and there they are- more distractions, links and stimulus. I hate it. Nay, I loath it.

As some one with ADHD… I NEED control. I CRAVE it. I have accepted that I cannot necessarily control the way I learn, so I adapt and learn to control other factors. I create novel ways with learning. I choose my environments wisely. These actions offer me a control to work around myself. But nowadays, in my current state, I feel helpless. Out of control. My mind wanders to the technology and it it’s robbed and abused. The satisfaction is so temporary that it genuinely leaves me with no lasting feelings. I must feed off it.

The concentration element is another story. My concentration has been so corrupted that even my desire and goal to achieve meaningful tasks has grown into a heaping obstacle. This actually coincides with the communication aspect. Because my concentration has been so abused, my ability to initiate meaningful conversations has dwindled. How? People, unlike the web pages and images that plaster the internet landscape, have depth. This depth needs to be explored… and people do NOT readily present this information. Nope. You are required as a human people, to become genuinely interested and do some work at finding it. Digging it out. Communicating requires a certain level of interest where digging into that depth is achieved. In this way a connection can occur. Problem is, people don’t have links covering their body. They don’t advertise the interesting stuff. It’s buried deep within them. To get it out, you must seek, dig, and poke around. You must concentrate, use some working memory, make connections and discover them.

ALAS, people in this era have lost the patience for such an art. Book reading is the same way. Books are long, with complex plots. They require an interest and concentration that allows you to dig up and make associations. Articles on the web, short summaries, twitters, wall posts and status updates hardly required this level of though. It goes in and just as fast as it goes it, it leaves.

So, would I agree with Simpson? Hell yes. She is on the money.

Do I think this multitasking trend is a good thing? Nope.  But I could argue the other way as well. In terms of health, absolutely not. In terms of adapting to the cultural trends, of course it’s a good thing. How would you survive in today’s fast paced, information crunching culture?!

But our minds, bodies and spirits have not evolved with these trends. We need quiet contemplation. It rocks my world this non-stop stimulation. It’s not even physically taxing. Simply mundane. It adds no REAL value to my life. Networking online with other virtually faceless profiles is an unfulfilling practice. We are only furthering a narcissistic urge to advertise our uniqueness to the populace. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ALL THE FUN I HAVE! MY COOL QUOTES! MY AWESOME PICTURES! LOOK WHAT IT CONNOTES! DENOTES!

The truth is… it is not bringing us closer to our goals… UNLESS that goal is to flatter ourselves. Swear to God. What the hell are these networking sites for anyway? To get ourselves out to the world!?? ‘Look at me!’ we say with our profiles, ‘I am special and unique and bring value!’ The HUGE problem is, I find that most people, including myself, put MORE time into the networking aspect, than to the value they are trying to project.

How a person spends every second of their day defines who they are. If we got real with ourselves, we’d realize we spend diddly-squat time reading and doing the things we advertise as our passions when we COMPARE the time we spend on technology. Compare the time people spend leisurely listening on their IPODS to music to actually making music. Or the people who browse art ALL day long on the internet, but how many hours a day do they spend painting? COUNTLESS other examples…

I can’t imagine all the damage we’re doing to ourselves.

In the end its all about perspective. I’m not really convinced this technology revolution will aid in the overall health of those involved. I believe in simplicity. Mathematics, physics, and all other great sciences, depend on simplicity. I believe, in our life, we need it. A life with focus is a life with direction. What focus can people say they have? Perhaps this whole trend of multitasking is a focus itself…

********

(I wrote this personal journal entry in January as a natural response to my own ruminations about the effects of the internet:

I’ve been wrestling lately. With thoughts. I’m wondering if the Internet is a bad or good thing. Most of my free time is spent reading blogs, e-mailing, watching videos, reading the news, checking updates or just plain surfing. I find that traditional reading has become more of a chore than it used to be.

It’s sad to think that’d I’d prefer to e-mail or message someone instead of call them on the phone. Catching up is done online. Catching up and conversing over a cup of coffee is almost unnecessary. I almost need something to do, like an activity or event to make our time a worthwhile experience. It seems like a waste of time when it’s all been said. After all the updates are read and all the blogs are perused, what else is there?

This is not a new thought or debate by any means. I feel that as much as this technology has made it easier and brought us together, I feel that we’re grown more alienated and impersonal than ever before. Even now I express these thoughts electronically, publicly.

I have a hard time remembering when certain people really knew me. When our relationship was something special and unique. That only a handful of people had the opportunity of knowing my day to day thoughts. I’ve become so transparent I feel lost. Where is the fidelity of a deep friendship?

Maybe this is a temporary feeling. I don’t know. I suppose I’m speaking to a very niche crowd. I know there are many nonconformists who live free of the networking hassle.

 

**********

Succeeding with LD’s

This is an amazing article… I highly recommend it..

Identifying Alterable Patterns in Employment Success for Highly Successful Adults with Learning Disabilities

To sum it up, the article discusses the qualities that differentiate moderately successful people with learning disabilities (LD’s- ADHD & Dyslexia) and Highly Successful people with LD’s.

Since success is subject they broke it down into 5 qualities. There were 181 participants from a nominated group of 200.

I’ll write more about findings and applications of the study. For now, read it!

This world is changing. We want it now. We want the picture in front of us. We have no patience with details. Reading is a chore. We want pictures that provide all the details at once. We want instant gratification. What will this mean?

The older I get the harder it is to exchange the lens I peer through. I find it harder to become objective. i have more experiences to justify my ways. I want to be a child. I want to look at the world with wonder, with fresh eyes. My heart. Not my head. I feel that the head is too easily discouraged. It runs out of fuel at the end of the day. The heart creates it with imagination.

Pascal: Meaning of Life?

When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after, the little space which I fill, and even can see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I am frightened, and am astonished at being here rather than there; for there is no reason why here rather than there, why now rather than then. Who has put me here? By whose order and direction have this place and time been alloted to me?
B. Pascal, 1623-1662, French philosopher, physic and mathematician, Pensees (Penguin Classics)

quotes

“The person who is really in revolt is the optimist, who generally lives and dies in a desperate and suicidal effort to persuade other people how good they are.” – G.K.C.

“The true value of a man is not determined by his possession, supposed or real, of Truth, but rather by his sincere exertion to get the Truth. It is not possession of the Truth, but rather the pursuit of Truth by which he extends his powers and in which his ever-growing perfectability is to be found. Possession makes one passive, indolent, and proud. If God were to hold all Truth concealed in His right hand, and in his left only the steady and diligent drive for Truth, albeit with a proviso that I would always and forever err in the process, and to offer me the choice, I would with all humility take the left hand.”
–Gotthold Lessing, 1778

“O quam cito transit gloria mundi.” -Thomas à Kempis

‘To the feeling man, life is a tragedy. To the thinking man, life is a comedy.’

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” (Twain)

“Who you will someday be, you are now becoming.”

“Errors cease to be dangerous when it is freely permitted to contradict them” Jefferson

sx stry

Life is about freedom. Right?

Money is nice. I wonder if its a typical stage in ones life… the money stage… the success stage… being young and motivated by the desire to succeed and earn what’s deserved. I always imagine me being successful. Do i ever talk about anything interesting? I swear to God. I feel like I’m constantly mind dumping. I really have reached a point of complete zen-nirvana. My mind fails to distinguish between meaningful and unmeaningful thoughts. blah. man oh man.

Sex is great.

I had sex on a mountain last week. First time ever. It was great being at the peak, looking out over the horizon, watching the warm glowing sunset, butt-ass naked. I felt like I was in the last of the Mohican’s. Screw the damn hikers. The truth is we got some good IPA, went for a nice nature hike to the top of this mountain, breathed fresh air and enjoyed the mountain scenery. Nothing too strenuous… at first.

When we initially got the the top there were a lot of people up there… as we approached the summit we caught wind of melodious jingles, repetitious chanting, happy flutes, rhythmic drumming and what not. We thought it was some sort of cult gathering… turned out to be some sort of Scottish folk dancing club. It added to the whole mystique. It was majestic…the old flute/wind pipe was magical. It sounded like forest elf music…whatever that sounds like.

Anyway.. the top of this mountain had like… an AMAZING view… we were like one of the tallest mountains in the horizon… the clouds weren’t that far above our head. There happened to be awesome soft grass to lay on, likened to thick moss. Nice smooth rocks to sit on, or jump up on to peer at the rest of the landscape. I brought some trail mix to munch on and some nice india pale ale to savor.

We left before sunset so we could hike back down and not get lost. Unfortunately…. we took another path down. We are the adventurous sort… so it was the right thing to do. This path, as it turned out, didn’t take us back to our car, but on a 8 mile hike around the mountain. We didn’t realize it till about half way. The most tragic part was an hour and a half later, we thought we were on the right path… and we saw a clearing… and then a dreaded feeling hit me as I became more aware… we were at the top of the mountain again.

So we said fuck it.. exhausted… we plopped down. I don’t know why, but I got horny and she got horny and the next thing I know I was running around naked. Sex ensued thereafter. I think it relieved a lot of stress (I highly recommend nature sex. It was very invigorating). I hiked those 8 miles in sandals, because it was suppose to be a mile… not eight. We did manage to watch the sun set… which was gorgeous. We did end up finding our way back, practically in the dark. Next best thing happened. My car didn’t start. So I decided that we should roll down the mountain. I popped it into gear and started the engine that way… didn’t last long tho. My battery died and i had to call a tow truck anyway. boo hoo.

activation failure

I’m suffering from activation failure. I have quite a bit of essays and readings to catch up on. Especially in Advanced composition. I have a paper due Sunday. And about four readings due by 12 tonight. I have a calculus quiz tomorrow. And a cognitive psychology power point presentation due Sunday night.

Its been beautiful out recently.

Think extensively, not intensively.

My mind is in a fog. My motivation is waning. I need to get a renewed enthusiasm. Schools out in two weeks. Then I’m off to Nashville for the internship. I feel a little dead inside. I feel like a robot. A comfortable robot. Sometimes feeling like a robot is uncomfortable… its rigid, routine, and automated. Now I feel mindless. I feel like my will has dissipated. Eh.

Where is my curiosity? God. I feel so pathetic. Wheres my zest. I’m wondering… whereee aree youu?? I suppose there lies my answer. I shouldn’t be waiting for it. I feel like I sleep too often when I wait for it… and maybe I don’t even sleep… maybe I just feel fatigued. I’m gonna work out tonight. Do or Die. I did twice this week and it felt wonderful… wonderful when I look past the fact that I’m ridiculously out of shape. I get out of breath so fast. Like heart attack worthy. Where am I goinggg?????

I need to think more exactly! I need to act and not doubt. Make some decisions that I believe in. Decision means to cut off. Cut myself off from all other options but the one I choose.

What to think about… I need to shower. Award ceremony at 4:15. PTK meeting at 6:00. yay!

Where is my exciting life? I want excitement. I at least want imagination. I want to design myself a fun life… a fascinating life.

RelationshipS.

“Have you ever considered that if you were in a healthy committed relationshipt, in stead of it being a distraction or a nuisance , the both of you can support each others’ quest to accomplish goals, convictions, principles, visions, purpose, direction etc. It seems to me that you view relationships as a manipulative temptress rather than a companion to share and grow with. I would like to hear your response.” -Anonymous.

Well… depending on my mood, state, and current relationship status, my answer to this comment might vary a bit. I’m pretty bored at the moment so I figured I’d think this little comment out, see if theres any validity to it whatsoever, and answer according to my current convictions.

As I read this comment (oooh! good song came on.. ‘girl inform me’ by the shins)… as i read this comment it seems like its coming from someone who doesn’t know me very well. Or someone who thinks they know me well, but obviously does not. If they did they would know that I don’t really waste my time with relationships unless the person is exactly what I want in a girl. I don’t have time in my life, and they don’t have time in their life, to be with someone who doesn’t want them 100%.

At this time in my life my goal is to succeed and create as much potential in my future as possible. I am making up for lost time. I wasted much of my time when I was younger with these distractions- parties, people and girls. I am not saying they didn’t help shape me… I just wasn’t headed in the right direction when I should have been. And I say ‘wasted’ because very few of these people actually cared enough to encourage me to pursue my best… and I don’t necessarily blame them cause the vast majority of people out there don’t even know what ‘best’ is. They just float on.

Anywayyy… my goal in life is to succeed as much as I humanly possibly can considering the hole I dug myself into in high school, and the time I’ve lost. This means my priorities are #1 school (includes studying, clubs and organizations, internships, and any other educational or academic endeavor)… and #2 preparing for grad school (studying for a flawless gpa and LSAT, and building networks with future successful people).

Going back to girls. Beyond school… I really can’t be bothered. Not now. I may be MADLY in love… like… my heart hurts and my knees are weak in love, but that will never compromise my commitment to my goals. I will be committed to that person, they just can’t have priority in my life..not now anyway. I will be there for them, Love them to death, do everything I can for them….. EXCEPT… at the cost of my grades. Girls come and go… they have and they will. I’m looking for one that decides to stick it out… one that sees that all my hard work, my focus is FOR THEM.

I AM NOT WORKING OR STUDYING SOLELY FOR MYSELF. sure its great to achieve…its actually amazing. I love accomplishing goals… having desires that I just own. But in the end its pointless and meaningless if I have no one to share it with. Sure friends are nice… but I’m talking intimacy.

The honest to gods truth is that I am working to provide for my future wife. That women who is patient with me, who loves me, who will have my children, who will support my endeavors as I support hers. I will love someone so much one day… that I will be DEVASTATED if i can’t be all that I am meant to be for them. Every day I am working to give more of myself to my future wife- physically, emotionally, mentally. Anyway…

I am looking for a symbiotic relationship…where we can grow together… reach new heights together. and just be in love. LOVE IS PATIENT. Read 1st corinthians 13 and that’ll show you what I want in a women.

Relationships… yes… I love supporting people. I love encouraging people, I love being able to show people what success looks like by being a leader, a living example.

“Manipulative Temptress”… These words sound spiteful. I have love for everyone. I want to say that the last thing I try to do is intentionally hurt someone. Communication is key. I don’t want to manipulate them. I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I am not about selfish people, close minded people, stubborn people, prideful, egotistical, etc. I just will not waste my time with these relationships… I’m beyond it… my relationships don’t need it… nor does my life… nor do my future kids.

All I have to say is that one day… one day I will find someone who I love uncontrollably and loves me back. This love will be pure, innocent, and most of all… patient. It will put no constraints on fate. It will be genuine, forthright, and honest. I know I will find this because I will not settle for anything less. I will not let myself think that a relationship must be any other way. No relationship is perfect, but I believe that two people can make a commitment to work towards perfect… work towards harmony… work towards unifying their body, mind and soul.

Also… I believe that love is not something to be courted. If it is so, it will be so. No forcing it, no faking it. It will come effortlessly from within. The chemistry, the attraction, the fondness, the butterflies.

Also- It is not the end all be all. My companion will not make me happy. They will not ‘make’ my life any better. That is for me, and me only. My happiness rests in my hands… just as my thoughts do. We will complement each other, supplement each other, and believe in the best life has to offer for each other.

***

Other than that, theres not much to add… I could rant on forever. I don’t know what else to say, or how else to address the consideration…

I’m tired…night 🙂

FREAKIN OUT

AGHAGAGAH.

I HAVE THE WORST ANXIETY EVER!!

I need to write to vent… its my catharsis. FUCK. Maybe its the twelve ounces of red bull…or the coffee …maybe its the lack of sleep…maybe its the fact that I asked for an extension on this paper….

or maybe its the fact that I can’t stop thinking about getting a 4.0 the next four weeks. The stipulation on going to Vanderbilt is that I maintain the same performance I exhibited in previous semesters… which is a 4.0. SOoo… I’m freakin the fuck out cause I have all A’s and one A-… which scares the hell outta me… and its in ENGLISH. WTF. MY LOVE. MY PASSION is writing. Why the F do I have an A-? Well.. first is there is no excuse. But if I had to generate one it would be that on one of my papers I got an 80%. AN EIGHTY PERCENT. Why? I left school four days early for spring break to attend my childhood friends funeral… and the due date was among those days… and I thought I’d have an opportunity, or make an opportunity, to work on the paper… but I never did… and when the due date rolled around I just sent in what I had… which was utterly retarded… cause the paper was ridiculous.. for one- i had no conclusion… I’m not even gonna get into the rest of the stuff.

Anyway… I am freakin out… my mind is having a REALLY hard time generating content for the paper… as a result I’m caught up on form… which is REALLY hard since I don’t have a good base for the content. What the hell am I trying to form? So anyway… This paper is gonna be a crap shoot. I need to get it over with…and starting tomorrow forget that I need to get a 4.0 and go balls to the wall with my curiousity and intensity for learning for learnings sake. Not try to meet some expectations. just love the material and get to know it all.. in every subject… cause right now all i can think about is getting A’s and its retarded… instead of being curious, i’m dumbfounded.

Anyway… I need to get this anxiety outta my chest. Its eating me up. I am focused, but sick to my stomache. I can’t stop tapping my feet and shaking my leg. I also can’t stop checking my e-mail and reading the news… I HATE the damn internet. If I had it solely for E-mail. THAT would be cool. they I could actually FOCUS. instead… I have this whole web 2.0 bullshit… its like totally customized to my personality, tracking the sites I’ve been on, and presents me with all the shit thats most likely to get my attention- AKA DISTRACT ME. I did this to myself. I signed up for facebook… I have the damn livejournal. I have the damn rss news feed and igoogle with all the cool blog updates. I created the monsters. I need to escape. HOW THE HELL CAN I ESCAPE MY NATURAL INTERESTS. is this what I’m up against? is it a matter of suffocating my inclinations and the things that perk my inquisition?

WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!?!?!?!?!?!

gosh..
*breathes a sigh… looks around the library… notes that everyone is studying hard and not shaking or freaking out…*

*calms down*

Okay..I feel a little better… I will continue this paper, and before nine thirty, I will e-mail it to my teacher… I want to say ‘so help me god’ but I’m scared i wont send it out. Ok… south park… karl popper… open society… liberal democracy…extreme characters… creators supporting popper… for obvious reasons… allow for shock value… and uncensored criticisms towards important cultural forces.

and i’m off…

anecdote

I value knowledge… so damn much. I think its a result of some childhood trauma… maybe insecurities.Maybe.

I remember ‘smart’ was those damn kids who could spell… diagram sentences… do multiplication as fast as they could write… and do all their homework. anyway..

I want to be smart and intelligent and well read and wise. Its funny.. I’ve seen a ton of psychologists and psychiatrists and counselors and therapists and psychoanalysts in my life… and usually they pose some universal questions to get an idea of your character…such as “if you could have any super power, who would it be?” or “Who is your hero?” or “What kind of books do you like to read?”… Its funny how these questions become clearer the longer your in the system. Anyway… while I remember being angry most times I was dragged to these idiot doctors… most of whom would simply up the medication or prescribe the newest medication or try out new combinations… despite anything I said… till the point where I would just sit there for 30-60 minutes and ask them enough questions to get them talking about themselves… everyone loves talking about themselves. ANYWAY.. this kind of manipulation was pretty regular… but I can remember I had some God’s honest answers to some of these questions. The one that stuck out most in my mind was “If you could have any super power, what would it be?”… as a depressed 13 year old, I had thought of this one long and hard before… I had examined all the problems with having laser vision, or incredible strength or speed or flight or being the smartest man in the world. I knew that while having these powers would undoubtedly be awesome… they wouldn’t leave me any happier… or prevent me from knowing Truth. So… I reasoned, even at the age of 13, that if there was one quality I desired more than any other, one power that I held above the rest, it was ‘wisdom’. The proper application of knowledge. Knowing when to make a decision, how to make it and what it would lead to.

I still desire wisdom more than any other ideal. Wisdom is gleaned from experience… and it gives birth to success. Wisdom is what gets you to your goals, connecting your actions with your desires.

So in regards to the other questions… yea… I don’t have a hero. Never did. Closest I got was my father… and that was a F’in scary hero if there ever was one.

As far as favorite books? Never had one until the past few years. I was a hyperactive little child… too much curiosity with life. I never learned to tame my focus and realize there were worlds and keys that unlocked miraculous doors inside books. I was too hung up on floating dust and chewing my nails… ok so maybe not that bad… but it usually involved climbing trees, jumping stuff on my bikes, reptiles, building stuff, slingshots and playing with sticks and such. When they asked me what my favorite book was I could probably remember what I’d say… since there were pretty much two things I read religiously growing up… #1 was the encyclopedia… we had a library and every time I took a crap… or had any question in the world.. I would grab a letter and read it.. i must’ve read those things like 10 times through growing up. The other thing I read were magazines. They had pictures… short quick articles… littered with little comments that summed up ideas. I loved those damn magazines…popular science… popular mechanics…etc.,

dargonlady

My friend is going out with this dragon lady (urban dictionary that phrase if it leaves you confused). That’s all I need to say. She’s creating problems that I didn’t even realize could exist. I think she’s an idiot… for a myriad of reasons, on multiple different levels… and no… She’s not an idiot for creating problems… she’s an idiot because she’s intellectually shallow and superficial… although with all the ‘things’ she surrounds herself with, one would never guess. Money usually connotes intelligence and some degree of success… but when its been handed to you… and you never had to work for anything… except manipulating the people who can provide you with more of it… you usually fall pretty short of intelligent. On the contrary, you become a self absorbed, ego centric who demands all the attention of those who can meet your needs… be it material, emotional, or mental.

And my friend? How could this happen to him? Well… this is his first real relationship so theres not much he can compare it to. This is how it goes as far as he’s concerned. And he loves the physical gratification of being with someone. No one can blame him for that. Unfortunately he has become blinded… something that happens to every good man at least once in his life. Women have the ability to create illusions… they are powerful at seduction. This is nothing new… and hes not the first victim. and after all… she ‘loves’ him… all it took was two months of living in a living purgatory full of retards and under achievers to provide the perfect panacea for her insecurities and emotional needs. Maybe I’m being too unkind.

She’s a great girl… I mean… if I was going to buy the facade she works so hard to fabricate on a daily basis… yes… she is a great girl. If I didn’t have a nagging feeling she was being so artificial I would have only genuine feelings. But my intuition doesn’t afford me with that peace. There is immense dissonance and it robs me with those good feelings. Oh well.

I could elaborate here the variety of reasons why I’m so agitated. Not at their relationship, but her character. I shouldn’t care really. And I normally wouldn’t. I would simply marginalize her until she was completely out of my peripheral. I wouldn’t have to be unkind at all. I just ignore the people who raise obvious alarm bells. The problem is that my good friend is dating this person. So she’s constantly around me. Actually… she does a good job commanding his whole attention so it’s not that she’s constantly around me… it’s just that whenever Im around him, she follows. So naturally… my feelings about her character are hard to ignore. One thing that’s hard for me to do is pacify people. She demands it… being the youngest child from a divorce torn family who makes up for their guilt by shoveling materialistic compensations at her, its understandable…to a degree. Everyone around her oohs and ahhs at all her nonsense. Her inane comments… the dull ones that she tries oh so hard to articulate… her broad knowledge about everything… her depth about nothing. She tries so hard to live up to these stereotypes and expectations that she feels will instill a degree of worth in her life. Her attempts, outward and obvious as they are, only prove to reinforce the complete lack of value she sees in herself. Now… I will say she has plenty of value… but her observable behavior, behind the facade of course, suggests totally the opposite.

Silence is golden. Its acknowledges a level of depth beyond the moment. Some people fail at this.

******************

Uneasy

****************

I’ve been having some uneasy feelings lately… about all sorts of things. I’ll speculate its a result of a subconscious anxiety stemming from the whole transfer application process… I’m waiting to hear from the schools now. Even with a flawless college academic performance, marred by a horrific high school experience, supplemented by amazing extracurriculars, great professor recommendations and, in my opinion, ‘okay’ personal essays… I am extremely skeptical about the upcoming decisions. I feel that I could’ve had a better personal statement.. but everyone could have a better personal statement. I also feel I totally forgot to mention why I did so crappy in high school ( emotional stresses, moving a bunch, attending three different highschools, etc). Adding that detail would shed light on much of the questions my high school track record may pose.

*****

Also… my summer internship… just thinking about it makes me ill… oh I’m doing it…. but its gonna be hell… and I’ll make the best of it… but itll be painful.

before I begin.

I’m just going to write a bit before I begin my work. I just finished the book “How to get into Law school” by Susan Estrich. Amazing, thoughtful, insightful, honest book on the whole process involved with going to law school. I hope she’s as honest as she sounds because she definitely convinced me that law school is where I want to be. What kind of law do I want to practice exactly? I can figure that out later. At the moment all my thoughts need to be turned to the LSAT. The single most deciding factor in the whole law school admissions process. The other important factors in order are GPA, personal statement, recommendations, and extracurricular.

I have a good amount of homework I need to begin on. I have a cognitive psychology test tomorrow… not exactly thrilled about it, but not too concerned. The teacher is a PhD from Harvard… but I swear to got she’s got some kind of cognitive degenerative disease… either that or her kids totally made her fry out. The class itself its drier that dirt. Any material discussed in class is directly out of the book. Creative discussion? Derived and guided by the book. No room for creative discourse. I should say that this is her first year teaching cognitive psychology… I should also say that she has a PhD in education. She’s a mom now. She must have stopped learning as soon as she had kids. She’s technologically illiterate… totally handicapped. Some classes require a full 30 minutes of her figuring out her computer or how the projector works before we begin… or her explaining (or justifying) in some totally nonsensical and unnecessary way her decision to change her plans for the day’s course. I want to slit myself in her class. Considering that psychology has been a passion of mine, and I was planning on double majoring it, its surprising the contempt I have for the subject when I walk into her classroom. Also- I despise teachers who shell out a ridiculous amount of homework to make up for their shitty teaching ability… and they grade the homework so meticulously that you have to spend an ungodly amount of time making sure nothing escapes her expected answers. Pure regurgitation I may add. Purely paraphrasing and summarizing. No room for creative thought, building associations and creating new paradigms with the information. Nope. I like the professors who dole out homework once and a while, check to make sure you do it, and provide constructive feedback if your own the right track, posing questions as additional guidance.

Anyway…

So when I’m done this cathartic vent, I’ll begin studying for my cog Pysch test tomorrow.
Followed by Calc. I have a Calculus II hand in test due tomorrow. Integration by parts and integration tables. Take home quiz.
Advanced composition, semiotic analysis essay.. six pages.. on Karl Popper’s political philosophy on Open Society.. with dabs of references to his critique of totalitarianism.. using South Park to illustrate our liberal democracy operating within an open society. yadda yadda. I’ll save it for the paper..
Then I have AdvComp reading… followed by two sets of questions..
then Spanish II.
then Stats.. if I get around to it… which I can bet I wont.

All told… there’s a solid 5-6 hours of studying there… can I do it? hellfuckinyes.

Lots of thoughts

I’m just gonna write a bit before I begin my work. I just finished the book “How to get into Law school” by Susan Estrich. Amazing, thoughtful, insightful, honest book on the whole process involved with going to law school. I hope she’s as honest as she sounds because she definitely convinced me that law school is where I want to be. What kind of law do I want to practice exactly? I can figure that out later. At the moment all my thoughts need to be turned to the LSAT. The single most deciding factor in the whole law school admissions process. The other important factors in order are GPA, personal statement, recommendations, and extracurriculars.

I have a good amount of homework i need to begin on. I have a cognitive psychology test tomorrow… not exactly thrilled about it, but not too concerned. the teacher is a Phd from Harvard.. but I swear to got shes got some kind of cognitive degenerative disease… either that or her kids totally made her fry out. The class itself its drier that dirt. Any material discussed in class is directly out of the book. creative discussion? derived and guided by the book. no room for creative discourse. I should say that this is her first year teaching cognitive psychology… I should also say that she has a phd in education. shes a mom now. She must have stopped learning as soon as she had kids. shes technologically illiterate… totally handicapped. Some classes require a full 30 minutes of her figuring out her computer or how the projector works before we begin… or her explaining (or justifying) in some totally nonsensical and unnecessary way her decision to change her plans for the day’s course. I want to slit myself in her class. Considering that psychology has been a passion of mine, and I was planning on double majoring it, its surprising the contempt I have for the subject when I walk into her classroom. Also- I despise teachers who shell out a ridiculous amount of homework to make up for their shitty teaching ability… and they grade the homework so meticulously that you have to spend an ungodly amount of time making sure nothing escapes her expected answers. Pure regurgitation I may add. Purely paraphrasing and summarizing. No room for creative thought, building associations and creating new paradigms with the information. nope. I like the professors who dole out homework once and a while, check to make sure you do it, and provide constructive feedback if your own the right track, posing questions as additional guidance.

anyway..

So when I’m done this cathartic vent, I’ll begin studying for my cog pysch test tomorrow.
Followed by Calc. I have a Calculus II hand in test due tomorrow. Integration by parts and integration tables. Take home quiz.
Advanced composition, semiotic analysis essay.. six pages.. on Karl Popper’s political philosophy on Open Society.. with dabs of references to his critique of totalitarianism.. using South Park to illustrate our liberal democracy operating within an open society. yadda yadda. I’ll save it for the paper..
Then I have AdvComp reading… followed by two sets of questions..
then spanish II.
then Stats.. if I get around to it… which I can bet I wont.

All told… there’s a solid 5-6 hours of studying there… can I do it? hellfuckinyes.

****************

I’ve been having some uneasy feelings lately… about all sorts of things. I’ll speculate its a result from a subconscious anxiety stemming from my transfer application process… I’m waiting to hear from the schools now. Even with a flawless college academic performance, marred by a horrific high school experience, supplemented by amazing extracurriculars, great professor recommendations and, in my opinion, ‘okay’ personal essays… I am extremely skeptical about the upcoming decisions. I feel that I could’ve had a better personal statement.. but everyone could have a better personal statement. I also feel I totally forgot to mention why I did so crappy in high school ( emotional stresses, moving a bunch, attending three different highschools, etc). Adding that detail would shed light on much of the questions my high school track record pose.

*****

Also… my sumemr internship… just thinking about it makes me ill… oh I’m doing it…. but its gonna be hell… and I’ll make the best of it… but itll be painful.

Also.. my friend is going out with this dragon lady. thats all i need to say. She’s creating problems that I didn’t even realize could exist. I think she’s an idiot… for a myriad of reasons, on multiple different levels… and no… shes not an idiot for creating problems… shes an idiot because she’s intellectually shallow and superficial… although with all the ‘things’ she surrounds herself with, one would never guess. Money usually connotes intelligence and some degree of success… but when its been handed to you… and you never had to work for anything… except manipulating the people who can provide you with more of it… you usually fall pretty short of intelligent. on the contrary, you become a self absorbed, ego centric who demands all the attention of those who can meet your needs… be it material, emotional, or mental.

And my friend? How could this happen to him? well.. this is his first real relationship so theres not much he can compare it to. this is how it goes as far as he’s concerned. and he loves the physical gratification of being with someone. no one can blame him for that. unfortunately hes become blind by her… something that happens to every good man at least once in his life. women have the ability to create illusions… they are powerful at seduction. this is nothing new.. and hes not the first victim. and after all… she’s in love… all it took was two months of living in a living purgatory full of retards and under achievers to provide the perfect panacea for her insecurities and emotional needs. maybe i’m being too unkind.

shes a great girl.. I mean… if I was going to buy the facade she works so hard to fabricate on a daily basis… yes.. she is a great girl. If I didn’t have a nagging feeling she was being so artificial I would have only genuine feelings. But my intuition doesn’t afford me with that peace. There is immense dissonance and it robs me with those good feelings. oh well.

I could eballorate here the variety of reasons why I’m so aggitated. Not at their relationship, but her character. I shouldn’t care really. and I normally wouldn’t. I would simply marginalize her until she was completely out of my peripheral. I wouldn’t have to be unkind at all. I just ignore the people who raise obvious alarm bells. The problem is that my good friend is dating this person. So shes constantly around me. Actually.. she does a good job commanding his whole attention so its not that she’s constantly around me… its just that whenever Im around him, she follows. She naturally… my feelings about her character are hard to ignore. One thing thats hard for me to do is pacify people. She demands it… being the youngest child from a divorce torn family who makes up for their guilt by shoveling materialistic compensations at her, its understandable…to a degree. Everyone around her oohs and ahhs at all her nonsense. Her inane comments… the dull ones that she tries oh so hard to articulate… her broad knowledge about everything… her depth about nothing. She tries so hard to live up to these stereotypes and expectations that she feels will instill a degree of worth in her life. Her attempts, outward and obvious as they are, only prove to reinforce the complete lack of value she sees in herself. Now… I will say she has plenty of value… but her observable behavior, behind the facade of course, suggests totally the opposite.

Silence is golden. its acknowledges a level of depth beyond the moment. Some people fail at this.

******************

subed.bent-

Word of the wise: do not wait till the last minute. I did and I submitted it a minute too late. We’ll see how this affects my chances of getting in.

Bentley Supplemental Essay Question

Please discuss your interest in Bentley and the aspects of our community that will help you reach your academic and personal goals. (2000 letters)

In my recent readings I have become more and more aware of a shift in demand that is occurring throughout our world. The shift deals with movement away from an information era and its many technical, number crunching occupations, and a push towards a conceptual based era where creative thinkers and pattern seekers are in hot demand. What is most important about this shift is that it is beginning in America. While I can present you a case for my research, readings, and intuitive sense, I am certain Bentley University is already aware of this trend.
One of Bentley’s most attractive qualities is its emphasis on a liberal studies education in conjunction with a business study discipline. Some may favor Bentley because they believe this produces a well rounded student, which is undeniably true; however, I value Bentley because I believe that skills acquired from their liberal studies program will be an integral part of the success of the future business leaders of the world.
Now that the information age has yielded an unprecedented level of technology, we find ourselves with an overwhelming number of tools and resources at our disposal. The business leaders who will capitalize on these abundant resources will be those who are able to see the larger picture, find patterns and organize those resources in order to create new value. I see Bentley as a place that will produce these leaders, and since I learned of their encouragement of a double major in the liberal studies, my interest has continued to grow.
Another trait that I find very appealing about Bentley University is its holistic and uniformed commitment to business. Because it is a school with a primary focuses of business, from academics to student life, every aspect of the experience relates to business in some way. I believe an environment that fosters the success of a similar end in mind creates a synergistic quality that allows for tremendous growth of each individual. Whether it is the networks, interests, support, or encouragement, being in an atmosphere where everyone shares a commitment to some aspect of business can only help supplement the experience of academic growth.
I am also aware that Bentley’s virtues extend well past those I mentioned above: its intimate classroom settings, acclaimed technology, stunning campus, thrilling sporting events, convenient location near Boston, and its tight night community.
With everything I mentioned combined, I believe Bentley will play a vital role in helping me achieve my personal and career goals as a future business owner.

The Culture of Narcissism

“In a simpler time, advertising merely called attention to the product and extolled its advantages. Now it manufactures a product of its own: The consumer; perpetually unsatisfied, restless, anxious, and bored. It ‘educates’ the masses into an unappeased appetite not only for goods but for new experiences and personal fulfillment. It upholds consumption as the answer to the age-old discontents of loneliness, sickness, weariness, and lack of sexual satisfaction and at the same time creates new forms of discontent peculiar to the modern age. It plays seductively to the malaise of industrial civilization. Is your job boring and meaningless? Is your life empty? Consumption promises to fill the aching void.”

– Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism.

Charles Bukowski – The Genius Of The Crowd

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

Daily Review

Cognitive Psychology was canceled today… or the teacher got lost on her way to the classroom. Either or.. I’m in the library. I haven’t been writing as much… online, in my journal. I’ve been busy busy. Sometimes I think I’m busy but I’m not getting much done. I hate that kind of busy. Its like moving and going but never actually accomplishing anything. I haven’t felt at peace in a long while. And when I say that… I mean I haven’t felt a quiet peace of solitude within my soul. That kind of peace is the result of consistent and quiet contemplation and reflection. I read recently that ‘prayer is the expression of desire’. I like that. If God is truth, then I like it that much more. I have a desire for truth, knowledge. I pray to God. Almost analogous.

I have alot of work today. This weekend I read like… alot. Slept a great deal. Friday I got drunk… not the typical night though.. gather with a group of friends and played power hour for like two hours… which resulted in a deep inebriation. I passed out at Kates and woke up midday. I was so disappointed with myself that I locked myself away and read… all day. Sunday came around and the same thing. Locked away… and read. Today.. i woke up late but, like I said, class was canceled. I love when that happens. Now I’m in the library… was trying to get some work done but I haven’t made too much progress.

I’m reading “How to get into law school” by Susan Estrich, dean of admissions at USC. Its an older book… by older I mean like 2003. So not that old at all.

I’ve been pretty dissatisfied with everything lately. I want to be open with my opinion about things. I feel I always stifle my true feelings because I don’t want to make them true. Maybe they’re already true and getting them out allows for an awareness that fosters a position to change? I like that position far better.

There is this girl, totally spoiled, and usually at the center of attention. Shes the youngest child from a well to do family. When I say well to do, I mean, she has a credit card from her mother, and her father, and she spends whatever and whenever on them. No, never question. She has this attitude that whenever she goes into a store, she NEEDs to buy something. She admits and openly professes this. She wants to be identified with this total lack of self control, yet she will defend herself if it appears like a deficiency instead of a admirable quality. Doesn’t everyone wish to spend indiscriminately? She crashed her $60k Mercedes why under the influence.. gosh that sucks.. no bother. She admits her mother has pretty much promised to reward her with another car, of equal quality. This is her fifth year of college with no clue as to what major to pursue. the idea of work is frightening, and i imagine so if you’ve never had to totally support yourself. She transferred schools this semester in order to avoid any sort of commitment to a degree. my impression is that a there are deep insecurities, possibly stemming from her parents divorce, that she masques with materialistic indulgences. She has clutter everywhere. Its somewhat chic though. Never without a purpose. Shes cute as a button. Loud, silly. She laughs and trips and bumps into everything. Shes like a 5 year old girl. Literally. Very emotional. Always crying about something. Recently she fell in love with my close friend. They’ve known each other for about a month and a half. If that. He’s transferring off to a distant college. Shes off to… who knows where.

I decided I don’t like getting caught up in the trappings of others affairs. I need to focus on myself, my own convictions. I call them convictions because I do not know what else to call them. Goals, convictions, principles, visions, purpose, direction etc.

I need sleep. Desperately. I keep telling myself I’ll get on a sleep schedule but it never happens. Probably because I haven’t been making it happen. I need to simply shut off the lights and crawl into bed come 12 o clock. No matter if my work is not done, no matter how awake, no matter who I’m with. Also- I need to force myself to wake up at 730am every morning. Non of this 930am, 815 am bs. Not when I have class at 1000 and 830.

Anyway… I have a calcII quiz today… Spanish homework… cognitive psychology study questions… advanced composition reading and questions.. and statistics homework. not to mention class from now till 300 and meetings at 4, 5, and 6. busy indeed.

American Paradoxes

American paradoxes. There are many… throughout our readings we discussed everything from the racial inequalities within our free nation, to the fascination with the upper echelon while simultaneously praising the democratic virtues of the people. We discussed the altruistic nature of Americans, having the country with the most volunteers per capita, but simultaneously our selfishness and our inclination to hord our money from the government. The consumerism that fuels Christmas, yet overshadows the spiritual significance and mocks the puritanical notions of abstinence. These notions coincide with the larger issue of American self indulgence, something very contrary to the puritanical, spiritual roots of the founding fathers we read about in history. In the very same note we talk about the rugged individuality and self reliance that paved the way for our constitution. This stands out as a contradiction. In all our fierce creative individual pursuits, what we seek most is a unity of the masses. These masses drown our voice. ”Society- where you go when you lose you voice.” This paradox of conformity and individualism is pervasive. In the current culture car companies, manufacturers, and software engineers are striving to meet the popular demands of the people. What do these people seek? They seek the opportunity to customize themselves. To stand out. How do they do this? The same way everyone else does it! They buy the Toyota Scion model that advertises the individual, and customize it to their liking. They buy the IPhone and add the application that reflect the tastes of their interest.
Racism… it was mentioned in our book although I feel it’s a little less prevalent. The idea of racism in the past had a strong reflection on the slavery of African Americans and the continued biased towards them long after their freedom. Today the issue of racism is more concerned with national security than of color and genetic potential. While I would be inclined to say that racism has all but disappeared with the advent of the mass media, internet, and other mediums of communication that break down one sided the walls of ignorance, I do notice trends that illustrate an intolerance that persist as a result of fear. These modern examples of racism and national security that make headlines and nurture a stigmatism are immigration issues and terrorism. Racism is now about those that threaten our democracy. Mexicans that cross the border illegally to take jobs from tax paying citizens, or that contribute to the overall Mexican border drug trade. Denouncing small specific groups of people as terrorists has always been a way to promote xenophobia towards a greater population. Clear examples of this can be clearly seen after 9/11 when we immediately identified fear mongering and terror with middle eastern peoples
Funny thing is that American, and all its democratic sentiments, advertises itself as the haven for the tired huddled masses, as in Emma Lazarus’s words on the statue of liberty:
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, the tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door (Emma Lazarus).

>The paradox that exists in America lies in that while we hold our relativistic and tolerant values supreme, we are terribly protective and afraid of anybody watering this down and wavering from these values. Freedom is not free for all, it is reserved for a select few… maybe just those who’ve earned it…even though earning it may just mean being born into it.
What I find humorous and saddening is the American paradox of affluence. We have the best: GDP, productivity, business startups, long term unemployment, expenditure on education, university graduates, R&D expenditure, high tech exports, movies exported, breadth of stock ownership, volunteerism, charitable giving. American, paradoxically, has the worst poverty, economic inequality, carbon dioxide emissions, life expectancy, infant mortality, homicide, health care coverage, HIV infection, teen pregnancy, personal savings, voter participation, and obesity. These two lists show a major incongruity with we’d expect from our modern democracy.

Desiderata- Written by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.