Refined Reflections

I haven’t been in a routine, for various reasons that don’t matter. I’ve been doing spiritual work, looking into myself, asking myself what is working and what isn’t, re-evaluating my values, my priorities.

I’ve been going going going the past few years, and I need to re-prioritize. I’ve been wandering, and unhappy, so finding peace within, and understanding what it is I REALLY want

what is REALLY important, and becoming obsessed with that.

I’m maturing, and I’ve gotten a lot of things out of my system; some things, not so much, and I’m focusing on understanding why.

What is causing me to perpetuate some habits?

Focusing on getting back to the insanely productive lifestyle I’ve created for myself in the past. Moving out to california has been a challenge, but I am focused and I am committed to my goals. Wherever I end up next my goal is to set some wild goals, and meticulously master them, achieve phenomenal success, and streamline my life: Rise rise rise.

I have the work ethic, I have the discipline, I have the intelligence… there is nothing stopping me. But the past few years my values have been confused. I’ve been hungry for the wrong things, or hungry for the wrong reasons. Getting to the bottom of that has been my quiet resolution.

I’ve been struggling on some fronts. Unstable. Unhappy. I’ve relinquished responsibility to too many things outside myself. And I’ve been chasing phantoms… I’ve let my habits deteriorate. I’ve let my desire to please others, or do things for reasons not of my own, to sway me in unproductive ways: all these things have been very subtle developments, but my foundations have been shaken and creaking for some time. I’m renovating this temple of mine.

Re-establishing habits of mind, of body, of soul. Reintroducing prayer. Reintroducing radical action. Reestablishing habits toward ends that will allow me to manifest my dreams.

I’ve let my dreams die.

And I’ve been cultivating them once again, pulling myself up from the nihilistic pit I’ve been digging, raising my eyes to loftier, more compelling visions of a life worth living, and authentic expression of my highest ideals.

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