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Favorite Quotes:
“The american of Boston had built themselves a Carthage, a land stuffed with money but void of culture, destined to vanish without a trace of existence. What had Plato said of the citizens of Agrigentum? These people build as if they were immortal and eat as if they were to die instantly.” – The Dante Club

“Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.” – Desiderata

“You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.” – Desiderata

If you love me then Thank you!
If you hate me then fuck you!
Love me or hate me, its still an obsession.
Love me or hate me, that is the question.
If you love me then Thank you!
If you hate me then fuck you!
-Lady Sovereign, Love Me or Hate Me

My testimony rough draft

My Testimony Rough Draft

Rough Draft:

I recently acquired my high school diploma after failing my senior year of high school a year and a half ago. I was diagnosed with ADHD in the first grade. I was medicated and got by successfully with A’s, B’s and an occasional C until the seventh grade. My parents grew increasingly concerned with their son being medicated and they thought it best that I learn how to cope without medication. I barely succeeded in passing the first quarter, although I put a lot of effort into getting by. I became frustrated with myself and my grades slowly dropped into C’s and D’s. My father graduated from the United States Naval Academy with a bachelors’ in Aerospace engineering. He was diagnosed with ADHD the year I was tested. He got by without medication and thought that I was just as capable. He was intolerant and disappointed when my behavior led to detentions week after week for calling out, talking, coming unprepared or some other behavior not suitable for classroom learning. My academics slipped into the realm of disgraceful. ‘You’ll be flipping burgers at this rate. You’re not even trying. You’re so smart all you need to do is try a little.’ I was incredibly frustrated with myself. I’m a failure. I’m a mess-up. My brain doesn’t work right. I’d given up trying to do homework. It was impossible. My brain would blank. I could sit there for hours staring at the paper accomplishing little more than putting my name at the top. My frustrations led to emotional discontent and eventually depression and self-mutilation. I’d given up. I thought that I was a failure and eventually entertained the real possibility of suicide. My detentions added up to suspensions which were leading to the real possibility of expulsion. My best friend and I confided in each other our self disappointment. We struggled similarly at home and in the classroom. Suspension after suspension-he was also pending the real possibility of expulsion. We made a pact that if either of us were to be expelled we would kill ourselves. In May I was suspended for the final time and was pending an expulsion. “I’ll let you know what does gonna happen. If you don’t hear from me I’m going to hang myself.” I told him as I waved goodbye in the parking lot. My father was in China for business. Hearing the news my mother was frantic and devastated. She went to the school dean and relentlessly pleaded that I be allowed to finish up the year. They left it up to the teachers to vote. Unanimously they voted for me to finish up the last month. Excited that my educational future wasn’t over due to this expulsion I phoned him immediately upon hearing the news. His mother picked up. She wasn’t a fan of our friendship. We brought each other down.

“Is Joe there?”

“I don’t know where he is. I’ll tell him you called.”

I wasn’t good for him.

The next day an early morning phone call caused awkward vibes throughout the house. My mother sent everyone off to school but me. She sat me down and informed me that my best friend had died last night. He had hung himself. I immediately broke down and lost all hope. I was plagued depression. My parents transferred me to a public school to finish up the year. That summer I was hospitalized for severe depression and medicated with antidepressants. They resumed ADHD medication and I passed eighth grade doing the minimum to get by. I was more about looking to fit in than exploring any of my passions and interests. I was still frustrated with my mind and the lack of control I seemed to have over it, but being medicated made things easier despite. The anxiety the medication gave me proved to a struggle in deciding whether it offered more positives than negatives. My freshman year of high school looked to offer a new start. The first month I was hyper-focused and on top of my studies. I wanted to succeed and do well. I wanted to go to college and prove to everyone that I am intelligent and capable of being brilliant. I talked with my advisor and worked out that I take all honors classes. I applied for all the schools clubs such as the Key club and SADD. I successfully ran for student council and class president. I was even chosen to represent the Liaison Committee and the schools first Renaissance Program as freshman representative. In Addition I played junior varsity soccer and excelled in swimming for the varsity team. I still struggled in school academically and achieved mediocre grades despite my potential. I found it nearly impossible to do homework. My parents thought public school offered too many negative influences and distractions that were hindering me. My father knew the importance of a structured environment. I tested into the all boys military boarding school Valley Forge Military Academy and after meeting with the swim team coach was accepted and enrolled my sophomore year. They required that I be removed from my antidepressants upon arrival and was to be eventually removed from my ADHD medication after I was accustomed to the structure. I did very well my first semester. A week before my midterms I was removed from my ADHD medication. I lost my mind. I could not study. I could not sit still. I wanted to bang my head against the wall the entire week. I could not memorize. I felt like my mind stopped working. I took the midterm and got D’s and C’s with the help and forgiveness of my teachers. The next semester I struggled heavily to pass with C’s. The structure and regimen kept me afloat where I would’ve otherwise drowned. I opted that I be put back in public school with the notions that the academics of that school were for a different type of person. My junior year I attended public school once more without medication. I big step down from VFMA, and I had the pleasure of skating through the first semester, just passing by. A close childhood friend, with whom I grew up with and still went to school with, committed suicide that December, causing me to lose all focus in my endeavors and academics. This catapulted me into a spiral of depression once more. My academics dropped into D’s and F’s and I became increasingly depressed and unsatisfied with myself. I felt that I was not going to amount to anything. I was hospitalized and dropped out of school February my junior year due to severe depression and suicidal ideations. I returned home that May and was tutored at home in all classes but English to catch up where I had missed. I had the potential. They passed me. I moved to Florida my senior year. I moved from a small quite suburban town in New Jersey with class sized of a hundred students to a metropolis in Palm Beach Florida with class sizes of eight hundred or more. My class schedule still reflected that of a successful high school student. I was in Calculus AB, AP Biology, Anatomy and Physiology Honors, English Honors IV, English Honors III, Jazz Band and Economics. I decided to not due sports for fear of not being able to focus on academics- and chose to abandon swimming, the sport in which I excelled in and competed in at state levels. Try as I might I could no longer skate by. I had gone throughout high school purely on the ability to do what I had to do to get by, and the forgiveness my teachers offered due to the potential they knew I had. I started ADHD medication once more with the hope that I just had one more year to go. I continued self-medication to escape from the mounting pressures through substance abuse. My parents knew this and refused to see me take drugs on top of drugs. They decided to strip me of any crutch that would help me. The academic pressures mounted exponentially as the first few months of school progressed and new material was presented. I slowly was forced to drop unnecessary classes one by one starting with Calculus, then AP Biology, and eventually downgrading to Standard English III. This allowed me to focus on the core classes needed for graduation. School made me bored. No matter how hard I tried I felt that it was nearly impossible to juggle the remaining classes. I failed maintain focus, to turn papers in, to stay awake in class, to read books, despite the stifled overwhelming desire I had inside myself to succeed, to learn, to understand and acquire knowledge. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to study great things. I reached a point where graduating high school was the highest goal I set for myself. That soon vanished and I gave up entirely going to classes. I did drugs and hung out with friends instead. My teachers were alarmed and they saw me slip into frustration. I promised myself never to be depressed again, not to let it get to me, just not to care at all. So that’s what I did. I stopped caring and eventually I failed out. I was kicked out of my house by May and binged on drugs due to disappointment. Homeless, I wandered from house to house getting high and wondering what was left of me. I hit bottom soon thereafter. I got in touch with my parents. They offered the only way I come home is if I enroll into a drug rehabilitation program. I saw my life crumbling all around me and my future was dark and dismal. The last thing I wanted was hospitalization and therapy, something I’d gone to multiple times in my past. I made a promise to myself and to my parents to never to return to drugs as an outlet for my frustrations and disappointments. I stopped drugs and severed myself from the old life I lived. I got a job and made new friends. No diploma and no hopes of going to college I drifted the next few months partying and getting by. I entertained the idea of being a personal fitness trainer as a career since I was a guru into health and wellness since the middle school. I no longer used drugs to escape, but rather as a periodic social entry. I partied, stayed out late and lucratively spend my money. My parents wanted nothing to do with supporting this behavior. I wasn’t like my parents. I was different in my eyes. I wasn’t that person they always thought I could be. I didn’t care what they thought about me. I am who I am. Love me or hate me. I was kicked out of my house on New Years due to this behavior. The next three months I lived with a close friend free of charge. I continued to party it up and live life to the fullest. All I had was a job serving tables with my friend. No car, no money and no education. I felt pathetic for living with a friend in his house, a free room and a free ride to work. How did I ever get here? How do I ever get myself out of this situation? The realizations of life left me feeling challenged and helpless. The mounting guilt caused me to search deep inside myself. My mother gave me a book for Valentines Day that year titled “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. I read is with an open heart and an open mind. I was struck deeply. ‘Your thoughts birth your actions; your actions birth your circumstances.’ I looked at my circumstances and realized I could not blame anyone else. I needed to put faith into myself and think of things that will put me in a place where I could succeed. I worked with myself and my conceived ideas I had about my parents. I realized I could be where I wanted to be without them. I still had no idea where I was going. My interest and passions were as deep as they were wide, but I knew that the easiest way to find my calling was with my parents support. I moved home and promised to follow their rules no matter what I thought about it. I began reading and searching for more books that provided some insight on personal development much like “As a Man Thinketh” had done. Slowly through much perseverance and determination I gained a renewed faith in myself. I read books from authors such as John Maxwell, Stephen Convey, Michael Hall, Dale Carnegie, Vincent Normal Peale, Claude Bristol and Anthony Robbins. I had realizations and revelations regarding concepts such as ‘self-sacrifice’ and ‘failing does not make you a failure, rather each failure is a stepping stone to success.’ Self discipline became a close friend of mine. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Eliminate distractions, put myself around those who are going the direction I want to go, and keep my mind on the prize. Graduating High school was my first objective. I made my mind up that education was not a bad thing and with a renewed sense of sense of self worth and faith in my abilities, I wanted to use college as a tool to help educate me and further my understanding in whatever field I chose. I went my old guidance counselor and explained that I would do whatever it took in order to graduate high school. Despite poor class attendance and my poor grades I managed to pass all my classes for the year with the exception of American Government, a half a year class that I failed due to poor attendance. I enrolled in the High schools adult education program and successfully passed American Government with an A and finally earning my High School Diploma. I’m currently looking forward to attending a college that will offer me the best tools needed for further personal success.

ADD

My focus seems to be intermittently interrupted on an all to usual basis. This makes for constant, extremely frustrating, efforts of redirection. I would say that I’m plagued for the worst with a heavy millstone. Most would identify with the terminological acronym ADD, although I’d like to stray from this commonly coined, and all too misinterpreted term and say “overly interested”…in all things. It causes me to lose the most valuable thing a man has in his arsenal of defenses against life. His focus. I all to often lose touch with priorities, and the things that matter most in the personal development and achievement over my difficulties and goals. Once a worthy, noble, focus has been achieved the efforts to sustain and maintain the focus are comparable to keeping a match lit in a rainstorm. A massive array of distractions bombard and catch my attention, leaving me with little knowledge of the state of the priorities on hand. Unfortunately I stray in another direction and unknowingly I begin to lose a sense of where I’m at and why I’m doing what I’m doing. I question the habits i made for myself and slip into a confused analytical approach on life. Without my focus I’m lost. I’m in a dark room fumbling around. What I’ve realized though, is that I’ll never give up looking for the light switch.

Tyler

“I reject the basic assumptions of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions.”

“God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”

“Disaster is a natural part of my evolution,” Tyler whispered, “toward tragedy and dissolution.” “I’m breaking my attachment to physical power and possessions,” Tyler whispered, “because only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.”

Sometimes you do something, and you get screwed. Sometimes it’s the things you don’t do, and you get screwed.

“Sticking feathers up your butt,” Tyler says, “does not make you a chicken.”

“In the world I see – you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.”

“Getting fired,” Tyler says, “is the best thing that could happen to any of us. That way, we’d quit treading water and do something with our lives.”

“A gun,” Tyler said, “is simple and perfect.” “The trigger,” Tyler said, “frees the hammer, and the hammer strikes the powder. The explosion blast a metal slug off the open end of the shell and the barrel of the gun focuses the exploding powder and the rocketing slug,” Tyler said, “like a man out of a cannon, like a missile out of a silo, like your jism, in one direction.”

“For thousands of years, human beings had screwed up and trashed and crapped on this planet, and now history expected me to clean up after everyone. I have to wash out and flatten my soup cans. And account for every drop of used motor oil. And I have to foot the bill for nuclear waste and buried gasoline tanks and landfilled toxic sludge dumped a generation before I was born.

I wanted to breath smoke. I wanted to burn the Lourve. I’d do the Elgin Marbles with a sledge-hammer and wipe my ass with the Mona Lisa. This is my world, now.

Only after disaster can we be resurrected. “It’s only after you’ve lost everything, that you’re free to do anything.” – Tyler Durdan, Fight Club by Chuck Palahnuik

climb

i want to climb outta my skin. Ive got this desire to just crawl outta myself. tear off the dregs. What do people look to prove? what the hell do i look to prove? are we all confused. i know we decide what we want for ourselves. Thats the beautiful thing of being this creature called human. The power of free choice. we’re given so many damn choices how the hell does anyone get anywhere. we run in circles. i dunno. i know what i dont want and as long as i avoid that and anything that reminds me of that ill find what it is i want. and maybe happiness along the way.

beat

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.”- Thoreau

On the way to achieving the many endeavors we set out for ourselves, there are many destinations . There are even more paths to take you and guide your steps. One might consider his path the most efficient way of travel, but only until you’ve walked the path of another man can you make that judgement.

intellect

i love people who think they know things. I can be one of those people. I am often times. but i love seeing people talk about how much they know things. how certain they are of things. its funny. Its awesome cause it reminds me of how god-aweful i sound. The God’s honest truth is, the more i know, the absolute more i know i DONT know shit. and i think when this happens to people… they become proud of thier realization that they unlocked more secrets than the next man, instead of humbly accepting that there is no amount of knowledge and intellect he could possibly retain to grasp it all, not even in a specific field. know what im sayin? Intellect. here’s a quote from emerson that i found while reading earlier:

“In the fog of good and evil affections it is hard for man to walk foward in a straight line. Intellect is void of affection and sees an object as it stands in the light of science, cool and disengaged. The intellect goes out of the individual, floats over its own personality, and regards it as a fact and not as I and mine. He who is immersed in what concerns person or place cannot see the problem of exisitence. That is why intellect always ponders. Nature shows all things formed and bound. The intellect pierces the form and overleaps the wall, detects intrinsic likeness between remote things and reduces all things into a few principles.”

im not saying it relates to what i was saying but I found that to be enlightening none the less and thought it ought to be shared.

Doubt.

My doubt. i hate it. i hate everything about it. I want it circumsized. I want it cut out. The only doubt i want to remain is that of the impossible. I will not acknowledge it.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

clouds

I just woke. My eyes are crusty. I’d fallen asleep early last night. I left the lights on as I nodded into my dreams. i woke up several times throughout the night and didn’t bother to turn them off. I need to appreciate more of the things around me. I feel a bit congested. The cloud cover hangs low today. Its slowly creeping overhead. The last bit of virgin blue sky is being sodomized by the tentacles of moisture.  I’m not worried though. The sun will shine again.

life

Life.  i read alot tonight. i read alot of my journals tonight. writtien journals, livejournals, myspacejournals. Who was i two years ago? who am i today? this is all overhwhelming at the moment. very emotional. Do people ever learn? only when they decide to do do they annouce they’ve learned. i feel less creative than ever. I feel that my emotions, those unpredictable and unlogical things that fester in my soul were the source of my enthusiasm and creativitity for so long. Ive all but extinguished those childish tendencies at thispoint. where are the metaphors. meta. meta messages. meta physics. meta mechanics. philosphy. words. expression. ugh.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Confused and lost. Programming myself on a daily basis. I know too much for my own good. I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t. I struggle daily with vices, addictions, motivating. I’m obsessed with learning, knowledge, acquiring it, putting it to use; and at the same time, totally wasting away because life is short and seemingly unfulfulling. Creativity can be practiced. You’re only as smart as you think you are. Know you are. What is my existence. It’s a cruel catch phrase. I want to catch something that will pull me along. Passions are postal stamps. You label your hobbies as cool. Nothing is filling. Negetivity will bring you nothing, show you nothing. I know nothing in the scheme of things. I think too much. I get headaches, heartaches, and stomache aches. I am conscious all the time. There is little I overlook. I say everything for a reason. But it doesn’t mean i mean it. I look past and beyond whats behind and in front of me, obstacles, you know. I realize my happiness is trivial when compared to yours. I hope your happy. Love exists only in the eyes of a blind man. Fortunately you can gouge your eyes out. I only plead with myself. Im very articulated and poigant. Picky, selective, particular but I’ll lead you to believe I’m not. I’ll please you, but your not special. Few read the credits. Who really cares about anyone but themselves. I can be your biggest fan. I believe in bliss. Lying to youself. Ignorance. I have a hard time dealing with reality. Reality is debatable. I can close my eyes. I escape too often. No ones special without a label. Power corrupts. Knowledge corrodes. Wisdom prevails. and all this means absolutely nothing.

emo logistics

I realized something a long time ago and every once and a while i touch on it and it gives me a little reminder of who i am. I realized i rationalize my emotions. This may be a good and bad thing. Im sorta indifferent as to whether or not it matters in the long run cuz ultimately, in the end, i decide how happy i am based on my efforts. I always diassociate myself from my feelings and emotions. I form logical bridges and barriers to protect and guide myself through troubled waters. I use understanding and knowledge to build a mausoleum around my hurt. The few times I’ve followed my emotions i must say have led to the worst disappointments in my life. Deaths, broken relationships, and confusion were usually the result. anyway. I dont really think too highly of those things called emotions. Maybe I wont be living life to the fullest but as i see it they only bring you down. you emotions are not your reality. and they dont know whats best for you.

Detox Foods

1. Lots of super-healthy liquids to flush out the body while pouring in nutrients.

2. Fiber to keep your GI tract fit.

3. Foods that energize cleansing enzymes in the liver, your body’s built-in detox center.

 The top 10:

    1. Green leafy vegetables. Eat them raw, throw them into a broth, add them to juices. Their chlorophyll helps swab out environmental toxins (heavy metals, pesticides) and is an all-round liver protector.
    2. Lemons. You need to keep the fluids flowing to wash out the body and fresh lemonade is ideal. Its vitamin C – considered the detox vitamin – helps convert toxins into a water – soluble form that?s easily flushed away.
    3. Watercress.  Put a handful into salads, soups, and sandwiches. The peppery little green leaves have a diuretic effect that helps move things through your system. And cress is rich in minerals too.
    4. Garlic. Add it to everything – salads, sauces, spreads. In addition to the bulb’s cardio benefits, it activates liver enzymes that help filter out junk.
    5. Green tea. This antioxidant-rich brew is one of the healthiest ways to get more fluids into your system. Bonus: It contains catechins, which speed up liver activity.
    6. Broccoli sprouts. Get ’em at your health-food store. They pack 20 to 50 times more cancer-fighting, enzyme-stimulating activity into each bite than the grown-up vegetable.
    7. Sesame seeds. They’re credited with protecting liver cells from the damaging effects of alcohol and other chemicals. For a concentrated form, try tahini, the yummy sesame seed paste that?s a staple of Asian cooking.
    8. Cabbage. There are two main types of detoxifying enzymes in the liver; this potent veggie helps activate both of them. Coleslaw, anyone?
    9. Psyllium. A plant that?s rich in soluble fiber, like oat bran, but more versatile. It mops up toxins (cholesterol too) and helps clear them out. Stir powdered psyllium into juice to help cleanse your colon, or have psyllium-fortified Bran Buds for breakfast.
    10. Fruits, fruits, fruits. They’re full of almost all the good things above – vitamin C, fiber, nutritious fluids, and all kinds of antioxidants. Besides, nothing tastes better than a ripe mango, fresh berries, or a perfect pear.

Ultimate Detox Recipe

Easy Wilted Garlic-Sesame Salad
Toss dark, leafy greens in hot, garlicky oil for a cleansing?and delicious – dish
4 servings, about 65 calories each
1 Tsp. olive oil
1 clove garlic, minced
1 lb. spinach, stemmed,
   or 1 lb. Swiss chard, stems sliced, leaves torn
   or 1 lb. mixture of spinach and watercress
Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste
1 Tsp. sesame seeds for garnish
Warm oil in large skillet over medium-high heat. Add garlic and stir until lightly browned, about 45 seconds. Add greens (do in two batches, if necessary) and toss until just wilted, 2 to 4 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with sesame seeds.
 

 

http://food.yahoo.com/blog/beautyeats/30/top-10-detox-foods

My Personal Mission Statement

 

My Personal Mission Statement

 

Succeed at home first

Seek and merit divine Help

Never compromise with honesty

Remember the people involved

Hear both sides before judging

Obtain Counsel from Others

Defend those who are absent

Be sincere yet decisive

Develop one new proficiency a year

Plan Tomorrow’s work today

Hustle while you wait

Maintain a positive Attitude

Keep a sense of humor

Be orderly in person and in work

Do not fear mistakes- Fear only the absence of creative, Constructive and creative responses to those mistakes

Facilitate the success of subordinates

Listen twice as much as you speak

Concentrate all abilities and efforts on the task at hand, not worrying about the next job or promotion

In, but not of, the world

I like the people who lead lives based on their specific calling, their duty, to themselves and their convictions. I don’t really find the company of people who lead lives based on other peoples opinions too satisfying. I like those who live outside the world. outside popular culture. Those who have visions of great things for themselves that require them to blaze the way in unprecedented manners so that others may follow after they’ve reached the end of their conquest and voyage.

Feelings and Emotions

Alright. This is my interpretation of those little critters we call feelings and emotions. I honestly think they are simply indicators. They indicate as to whether or not our thoughts are in line with that we really want. They are like a compass for our true desires. If we think and dwell on the things we want… we feel good. If we think and dwell on the things that we don’t want… or even things that aren’t important… we’ll feel blah.. or bad. You get it? This isn’t me just saying this either. There are plenty of  reasons supporting this.
knowing this…

We absolutely, positively have the power of free thought. That is undebateably true. We ultimately choose what it is we think about on a daily basis. We however do develop habits of thinking. Sometimes bad habits, which would explain why some people feel so bad all the time. They constantly think about things that they don’t want due to poor habits of thinking, which in turn makes them feel bad, even if they really don’t want it. The law of attraction states that whatever it is you give you’re attention to, you will get more of it. Even if its something you dont want. for example: “I don’t want to be sad.” you just gave your attention to being sad. Not being happy, which is what you really want. Mother Theresa knew this concept. She said she’d never attend an anti-war rally, but if there was a peace really she’d go. funny. anyway…
knowing this…

Give your attention to things you want and not only will you be more aware of these things, you will become the thing you want, and you will draw circumstances together to get you the thing you want.
somehow i got off topic.

basically. Don’t trust your feelings. They LIE. alright… so if a girl is everything you want then i mean, its obvious you’ll have feelings for her. and i mean… explore it. obv. but don’t act accordingly to them. Base your actions on principles and values and whats best for everyone. anyway.

A Twentieth-Century Testimony

When I look back on my life nowadays, which I sometimes do, what strikes me most forcibly about it is that what seemed at the time most significant and seductive, seems now most futile and absurd. For instance, success in all of its various guises; being known and being praised; ostensible pleasures, like acquiring money or seducing women, or traveling, going to and fro in the world and up and down in it like Satan, explaining and experiencing whatever Vanity Fair has to offer.”
“In retrospect, all these exercises in self-gratification seem pure fantasy, what Pascal called, “licking the earth.””

-Malcom Muggeridge

I whole-heartedly agree.

Self-Reliance: To friendsand foes

“I shall endeavour to nourish my parents, to support my family, to be the chaste husband of one wife, — but these relations I must fill after a new and unprecedented way. I appeal from your customs. I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men’s, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. Does this sound harsh to-day? You will soon love what is dictated by your nature as well as mine, and, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. — But so you may give these friends pain. Yes, but I cannot sell my liberty and my power, to save their sensibility. Besides, all persons have their moments of reason, when they look out into the region of absolute truth; then will they justify me, and do the same thing.”

“The populace think that your rejection of popular standards is a rejection of all standard, and mere antinomianism; and the bold sensualist will use the name of philosophy to gild his crimes. But the law of consciousness abides. There are two confessionals, in one or the other of which we must be shriven. You may fulfil your round of duties by clearing yourself in the direct, or in the reflex way. Consider whether you have satisfied your relations to father, mother, cousin, neighbour, town, cat, and dog; whether any of these can upbraid you. But I may also neglect this reflex standard, and absolve me to myself. I have my own stern claims and perfect circle. It denies the name of duty to many offices that are called duties. But if I can discharge its debts, it enables me to dispense with the popular code. If any one imagines that this law is lax, let him keep its commandment one day.”

“And truly it demands something godlike in him who has cast off the common motives of humanity, and has ventured to trust himself for a taskmaster. High be his heart, faithful his will, clear his sight, that he may in good earnest be doctrine, society, law, to himself, that a simple purpose may be to him as strong as iron necessity is to others!”

Emerson.
Self-Reliance

Self-Reliance: To friends and foes

“I shall endeavor to nourish my parents, to support my family, to be the chaste husband of one wife, — but these relations I must fill after a new and unprecedented way. I appeal from your customs. I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men’s, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. Does this sound harsh to-day? You will soon love what is dictated by your nature as well as mine, and, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. — But so you may give these friends pain. Yes, but I cannot sell my liberty and my power, to save their sensibility. Besides, all persons have their moments of reason, when they look out into the region of absolute truth; then will they justify me, and do the same thing.”

“The populace think that your rejection of popular standards is a rejection of all standard, and mere antinomianism; and the bold sensualist will use the name of philosophy to gild his crimes. But the law of consciousness abides. There are two confessionals, in one or the other of which we must be shriven. You may fulfil your round of duties by clearing yourself in the direct, or in the reflex way. Consider whether you have satisfied your relations to father, mother, cousin, neighbour, town, cat, and dog; whether any of these can upbraid you. But I may also neglect this reflex standard, and absolve me to myself. I have my own stern claims and perfect circle. It denies the name of duty to many offices that are called duties. But if I can discharge its debts, it enables me to dispense with the popular code. If any one imagines that this law is lax, let him keep its commandment one day.”

“And truly it demands something godlike in him who has cast off the common motives of humanity, and has ventured to trust himself for a taskmaster. High be his heart, faithful his will, clear his sight, that he may in good earnest be doctrine, society, law, to himself, that a simple purpose may be to him as strong as iron necessity is to others!”

Emerson.
Self-Reliance

Love is a verb.

“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.” (stephen covey) Don’t base your relationship around feelings. Feelings come and go like the wind. Love is a choice. As you develope the relationship and nuture it through loving them, you will be rewarded with the feelings of love.

Basically- I want you to know that you have a choice as to whether or not you’re a slave to you’re emotions. Decide to take control and respond accordingly to values, instead of circumstances.

Epistemology

A theory of knowledge.

Interesting when you look at it like this. The knowledge you’ve collected is a direct result of concrete truths you’ve chosen to incorporate into your life, as matters of factual living, and the combination of a belief system you choose to live by on a daily basis. If you educate yourself by furthering the inalienable truths you’re aware of, and you cordinate your belief system to match the strive for your inner utmost desires, you develope a fuller knowledge of the operation of the reality you, ultimately, choose to live in.

Basically, you absorb knowledge based on the reality you decide to build for yourself, however consciously or unconsciously you choose to see it. This again traces back the the desires inside you. In order to achieve these desires, you align yourself with the thinking it takes to get you there. Decisions, decisions.