waves

man oh man. i am feeling interesting right now. i told myself a few years ago that I’d never let my feelings dictate how i live my life. i dont know how much of that is true. I am searching for a passion that appeals to my logic and my feelings. I always stray from emotional discourse pertaining to my life. I dwell on it in my inner cavities and it fumigates deep in my heart but i’d never let it make me who i am. I prefer the solitary reliance on hearty logic that weaves itsr way into my agenda. Feelings make me feel alive though. This is a huge paradox that i live in. For years i was a victim to my feelings. How i felt dictated life at any given time. There was no logic involved really. flawed logic like ” If i feel great, life is great… is it not?” or if i felt bad, life was bad. but no. life is good no matter what. as long as you’re actions support the belief that life is good then no matter what you feel you should know life is good. and good thoughts bread good feelings… do they not? it is easy to think bad thought when your hormones and biochemicals communicate differently… but a single thought can bread the best of feelings from those neurotransmitters. anyway. Logic.
Reason.

A woman. I dream about feelings. I dont like letting feelings interrupt a logically constructed existence. Feelings go contrary to my logic far too often. I love her. Then chase her mike. It would hinder your plan for success. alright. i wont. maybe it’s never been worth it. maybe not.Chase her mike. She won’t appreciate the sacrifice. Its not about you mike its about her. well who’s gonna think about me then? she’s not thinking of me. what if she is? its never ideal. Feelings are never Ideal. Feelings are never logically based. How i wished they were. A perfect relationship would be a logically orchestrated symphony of emotional discharge. Does that paint the picture? maybe it sounds too logical. A beautifully woven sea of harmonious understandings of love. nope. its never that mutual. The best of the relationships may touch on those magnificent waves but they never stay on those crests so close to heaven. eventually you come down and the wave beats its ferocity and power against the bow which weakens the heart and causes a change in course. Its a delicate balance of risking trust to feel.

Linear.

ideal emotions

the tv blurbs in the distant. candescent rays stretch their fingers to the far reaches of the room. the hum of electric machinery puts my mind into a hypnotic daze. I peruse over my introspective findings, carefully examining my character. Im trying understand why people try convincing themselves and others that there are monsters out there waiting for an opprotunity to ravage their hearts and minds. i uncover weakness in my walls of defense. ive assembled a wall around the idealism that ive formed to match perfection. Ive mapped out an ideal life that covers every conceieveable need. Life, Wife, Job, Social logically it can be harmonious and sound. emotional entanglement throws off logic creating weakness in my de

emo logistics

I realized something a long time ago and every once and a while i touch on it and it gives me a little reminder of who i am. I realized i rationalize my emotions. This may be a good and bad thing. Im sorta indifferent as to whether or not it matters in the long run cuz ultimately, in the end, i decide how happy i am based on my efforts. I always diassociate myself from my feelings and emotions. I form logical bridges and barriers to protect and guide myself through troubled waters. I use understanding and knowledge to build a mausoleum around my hurt. The few times I’ve followed my emotions i must say have led to the worst disappointments in my life. Deaths, broken relationships, and confusion were usually the result. anyway. I dont really think too highly of those things called emotions. Maybe I wont be living life to the fullest but as i see it they only bring you down. you emotions are not your reality. and they dont know whats best for you.