Tag: life

My testimony rough draft

My Testimony Rough Draft

Rough Draft:

I recently acquired my high school diploma after failing my senior year of high school a year and a half ago. I was diagnosed with ADHD in the first grade. I was medicated and got by successfully with A’s, B’s and an occasional C until the seventh grade. My parents grew increasingly concerned with their son being medicated and they thought it best that I learn how to cope without medication. I barely succeeded in passing the first quarter, although I put a lot of effort into getting by. I became frustrated with myself and my grades slowly dropped into C’s and D’s. My father graduated from the United States Naval Academy with a bachelors’ in Aerospace engineering. He was diagnosed with ADHD the year I was tested. He got by without medication and thought that I was just as capable. He was intolerant and disappointed when my behavior led to detentions week after week for calling out, talking, coming unprepared or some other behavior not suitable for classroom learning. My academics slipped into the realm of disgraceful. ‘You’ll be flipping burgers at this rate. You’re not even trying. You’re so smart all you need to do is try a little.’ I was incredibly frustrated with myself. I’m a failure. I’m a mess-up. My brain doesn’t work right. I’d given up trying to do homework. It was impossible. My brain would blank. I could sit there for hours staring at the paper accomplishing little more than putting my name at the top. My frustrations led to emotional discontent and eventually depression and self-mutilation. I’d given up. I thought that I was a failure and eventually entertained the real possibility of suicide. My detentions added up to suspensions which were leading to the real possibility of expulsion. My best friend and I confided in each other our self disappointment. We struggled similarly at home and in the classroom. Suspension after suspension-he was also pending the real possibility of expulsion. We made a pact that if either of us were to be expelled we would kill ourselves. In May I was suspended for the final time and was pending an expulsion. “I’ll let you know what does gonna happen. If you don’t hear from me I’m going to hang myself.” I told him as I waved goodbye in the parking lot. My father was in China for business. Hearing the news my mother was frantic and devastated. She went to the school dean and relentlessly pleaded that I be allowed to finish up the year. They left it up to the teachers to vote. Unanimously they voted for me to finish up the last month. Excited that my educational future wasn’t over due to this expulsion I phoned him immediately upon hearing the news. His mother picked up. She wasn’t a fan of our friendship. We brought each other down.

“Is Joe there?”

“I don’t know where he is. I’ll tell him you called.”

I wasn’t good for him.

The next day an early morning phone call caused awkward vibes throughout the house. My mother sent everyone off to school but me. She sat me down and informed me that my best friend had died last night. He had hung himself. I immediately broke down and lost all hope. I was plagued depression. My parents transferred me to a public school to finish up the year. That summer I was hospitalized for severe depression and medicated with antidepressants. They resumed ADHD medication and I passed eighth grade doing the minimum to get by. I was more about looking to fit in than exploring any of my passions and interests. I was still frustrated with my mind and the lack of control I seemed to have over it, but being medicated made things easier despite. The anxiety the medication gave me proved to a struggle in deciding whether it offered more positives than negatives. My freshman year of high school looked to offer a new start. The first month I was hyper-focused and on top of my studies. I wanted to succeed and do well. I wanted to go to college and prove to everyone that I am intelligent and capable of being brilliant. I talked with my advisor and worked out that I take all honors classes. I applied for all the schools clubs such as the Key club and SADD. I successfully ran for student council and class president. I was even chosen to represent the Liaison Committee and the schools first Renaissance Program as freshman representative. In Addition I played junior varsity soccer and excelled in swimming for the varsity team. I still struggled in school academically and achieved mediocre grades despite my potential. I found it nearly impossible to do homework. My parents thought public school offered too many negative influences and distractions that were hindering me. My father knew the importance of a structured environment. I tested into the all boys military boarding school Valley Forge Military Academy and after meeting with the swim team coach was accepted and enrolled my sophomore year. They required that I be removed from my antidepressants upon arrival and was to be eventually removed from my ADHD medication after I was accustomed to the structure. I did very well my first semester. A week before my midterms I was removed from my ADHD medication. I lost my mind. I could not study. I could not sit still. I wanted to bang my head against the wall the entire week. I could not memorize. I felt like my mind stopped working. I took the midterm and got D’s and C’s with the help and forgiveness of my teachers. The next semester I struggled heavily to pass with C’s. The structure and regimen kept me afloat where I would’ve otherwise drowned. I opted that I be put back in public school with the notions that the academics of that school were for a different type of person. My junior year I attended public school once more without medication. I big step down from VFMA, and I had the pleasure of skating through the first semester, just passing by. A close childhood friend, with whom I grew up with and still went to school with, committed suicide that December, causing me to lose all focus in my endeavors and academics. This catapulted me into a spiral of depression once more. My academics dropped into D’s and F’s and I became increasingly depressed and unsatisfied with myself. I felt that I was not going to amount to anything. I was hospitalized and dropped out of school February my junior year due to severe depression and suicidal ideations. I returned home that May and was tutored at home in all classes but English to catch up where I had missed. I had the potential. They passed me. I moved to Florida my senior year. I moved from a small quite suburban town in New Jersey with class sized of a hundred students to a metropolis in Palm Beach Florida with class sizes of eight hundred or more. My class schedule still reflected that of a successful high school student. I was in Calculus AB, AP Biology, Anatomy and Physiology Honors, English Honors IV, English Honors III, Jazz Band and Economics. I decided to not due sports for fear of not being able to focus on academics- and chose to abandon swimming, the sport in which I excelled in and competed in at state levels. Try as I might I could no longer skate by. I had gone throughout high school purely on the ability to do what I had to do to get by, and the forgiveness my teachers offered due to the potential they knew I had. I started ADHD medication once more with the hope that I just had one more year to go. I continued self-medication to escape from the mounting pressures through substance abuse. My parents knew this and refused to see me take drugs on top of drugs. They decided to strip me of any crutch that would help me. The academic pressures mounted exponentially as the first few months of school progressed and new material was presented. I slowly was forced to drop unnecessary classes one by one starting with Calculus, then AP Biology, and eventually downgrading to Standard English III. This allowed me to focus on the core classes needed for graduation. School made me bored. No matter how hard I tried I felt that it was nearly impossible to juggle the remaining classes. I failed maintain focus, to turn papers in, to stay awake in class, to read books, despite the stifled overwhelming desire I had inside myself to succeed, to learn, to understand and acquire knowledge. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to study great things. I reached a point where graduating high school was the highest goal I set for myself. That soon vanished and I gave up entirely going to classes. I did drugs and hung out with friends instead. My teachers were alarmed and they saw me slip into frustration. I promised myself never to be depressed again, not to let it get to me, just not to care at all. So that’s what I did. I stopped caring and eventually I failed out. I was kicked out of my house by May and binged on drugs due to disappointment. Homeless, I wandered from house to house getting high and wondering what was left of me. I hit bottom soon thereafter. I got in touch with my parents. They offered the only way I come home is if I enroll into a drug rehabilitation program. I saw my life crumbling all around me and my future was dark and dismal. The last thing I wanted was hospitalization and therapy, something I’d gone to multiple times in my past. I made a promise to myself and to my parents to never to return to drugs as an outlet for my frustrations and disappointments. I stopped drugs and severed myself from the old life I lived. I got a job and made new friends. No diploma and no hopes of going to college I drifted the next few months partying and getting by. I entertained the idea of being a personal fitness trainer as a career since I was a guru into health and wellness since the middle school. I no longer used drugs to escape, but rather as a periodic social entry. I partied, stayed out late and lucratively spend my money. My parents wanted nothing to do with supporting this behavior. I wasn’t like my parents. I was different in my eyes. I wasn’t that person they always thought I could be. I didn’t care what they thought about me. I am who I am. Love me or hate me. I was kicked out of my house on New Years due to this behavior. The next three months I lived with a close friend free of charge. I continued to party it up and live life to the fullest. All I had was a job serving tables with my friend. No car, no money and no education. I felt pathetic for living with a friend in his house, a free room and a free ride to work. How did I ever get here? How do I ever get myself out of this situation? The realizations of life left me feeling challenged and helpless. The mounting guilt caused me to search deep inside myself. My mother gave me a book for Valentines Day that year titled “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. I read is with an open heart and an open mind. I was struck deeply. ‘Your thoughts birth your actions; your actions birth your circumstances.’ I looked at my circumstances and realized I could not blame anyone else. I needed to put faith into myself and think of things that will put me in a place where I could succeed. I worked with myself and my conceived ideas I had about my parents. I realized I could be where I wanted to be without them. I still had no idea where I was going. My interest and passions were as deep as they were wide, but I knew that the easiest way to find my calling was with my parents support. I moved home and promised to follow their rules no matter what I thought about it. I began reading and searching for more books that provided some insight on personal development much like “As a Man Thinketh” had done. Slowly through much perseverance and determination I gained a renewed faith in myself. I read books from authors such as John Maxwell, Stephen Convey, Michael Hall, Dale Carnegie, Vincent Normal Peale, Claude Bristol and Anthony Robbins. I had realizations and revelations regarding concepts such as ‘self-sacrifice’ and ‘failing does not make you a failure, rather each failure is a stepping stone to success.’ Self discipline became a close friend of mine. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Eliminate distractions, put myself around those who are going the direction I want to go, and keep my mind on the prize. Graduating High school was my first objective. I made my mind up that education was not a bad thing and with a renewed sense of sense of self worth and faith in my abilities, I wanted to use college as a tool to help educate me and further my understanding in whatever field I chose. I went my old guidance counselor and explained that I would do whatever it took in order to graduate high school. Despite poor class attendance and my poor grades I managed to pass all my classes for the year with the exception of American Government, a half a year class that I failed due to poor attendance. I enrolled in the High schools adult education program and successfully passed American Government with an A and finally earning my High School Diploma. I’m currently looking forward to attending a college that will offer me the best tools needed for further personal success.

ADD

My focus seems to be intermittently interrupted on an all to usual basis. This makes for constant, extremely frustrating, efforts of redirection. I would say that I’m plagued for the worst with a heavy millstone. Most would identify with the terminological acronym ADD, although I’d like to stray from this commonly coined, and all too misinterpreted term and say “overly interested”…in all things. It causes me to lose the most valuable thing a man has in his arsenal of defenses against life. His focus. I all to often lose touch with priorities, and the things that matter most in the personal development and achievement over my difficulties and goals. Once a worthy, noble, focus has been achieved the efforts to sustain and maintain the focus are comparable to keeping a match lit in a rainstorm. A massive array of distractions bombard and catch my attention, leaving me with little knowledge of the state of the priorities on hand. Unfortunately I stray in another direction and unknowingly I begin to lose a sense of where I’m at and why I’m doing what I’m doing. I question the habits i made for myself and slip into a confused analytical approach on life. Without my focus I’m lost. I’m in a dark room fumbling around. What I’ve realized though, is that I’ll never give up looking for the light switch.

climb

i want to climb outta my skin. Ive got this desire to just crawl outta myself. tear off the dregs. What do people look to prove? what the hell do i look to prove? are we all confused. i know we decide what we want for ourselves. Thats the beautiful thing of being this creature called human. The power of free choice. we’re given so many damn choices how the hell does anyone get anywhere. we run in circles. i dunno. i know what i dont want and as long as i avoid that and anything that reminds me of that ill find what it is i want. and maybe happiness along the way.

clouds

I just woke. My eyes are crusty. I’d fallen asleep early last night. I left the lights on as I nodded into my dreams. i woke up several times throughout the night and didn’t bother to turn them off. I need to appreciate more of the things around me. I feel a bit congested. The cloud cover hangs low today. Its slowly creeping overhead. The last bit of virgin blue sky is being sodomized by the tentacles of moisture.  I’m not worried though. The sun will shine again.

My Personal Mission Statement

 

My Personal Mission Statement

 

Succeed at home first

Seek and merit divine Help

Never compromise with honesty

Remember the people involved

Hear both sides before judging

Obtain Counsel from Others

Defend those who are absent

Be sincere yet decisive

Develop one new proficiency a year

Plan Tomorrow’s work today

Hustle while you wait

Maintain a positive Attitude

Keep a sense of humor

Be orderly in person and in work

Do not fear mistakes- Fear only the absence of creative, Constructive and creative responses to those mistakes

Facilitate the success of subordinates

Listen twice as much as you speak

Concentrate all abilities and efforts on the task at hand, not worrying about the next job or promotion

im bored with life

and when this happens one of two things can be guaranteed. i subconsiously begin sabotaging the very fragile life of routine and structure ive methodically created for myself with some distant delusion that destroying it will bring forth some kind of new life to me. but it doesnt and usually i get depressed and painstakingly start all over. OR. I become extremely proactive/ creative/ ambitious/ passionate/ driven etc., so that i can bring myself one step closer to the unattainable goal of self satisfaction by mastering some new kick i find myself running after. but you know what. however unattainable- i like to think of myself as a better person in the end.

that being said. im constantly trying to make myself happy and its fuckin useless. ugh. or im just a pyscho bipolar maniac whos just writing this cause he’s not doing anything with his time at the moment and that makes him ultra uncomfortable because he knows there are things out there that should be conquered and owned.

and all girls are completely the same… except one. and i havent met her.

rich. real fuckin rich.

part-e

i partied way too much this week. its catching up to me and for some reason im still crawling and it hurts.ive gotta make myself totally sober for a week. i had outta control experiences this past week. and for everyone who was there to share them with me you know what im talkin about. its wearing on my health and commitments this partying is. i dont like it one bit. im struggling to find motivation to go to the gym. i was doinng sooo good too. damnnnnnnnn. alright. reevaluate mike. stick it out. just get in there. eat right motherfucker. stop drinking beer like its a staple food product of survival. and you’d think like i was starving the way i ferociously pound beer after beer. ewwwww. it makes my stomache quesy. ive had that quesy stomache feeling all week. ive been horny as shit lately. im not gonna hide it anymore. ive been coming to certain relizations about being modest. usually im modest with my intentions. but im gonna start throwing it out there and snag a few. i need to quench that sexual desire. summer is almost done. its like… almost done. everyone leaving and sheeet. i hate it. all my peeps are dispersing once again. *tear* im sure ill make it through all right. whatev. good times this summer. especially the past month. shits been goin off like crazyyyyyyyy. holla.

look

are you happy? did you champion all you set out to accomplish in the microcosmic world you set up for yourself in your head? do you have enough? are you popular enough? did you party hard enough? smoke enough? drink enough? do enough lines? pop enough pills? reach the point of ecstasy you thought youd need to complete your life? did you kiss enough? fuck enough? did you get all the sex that you thought would make you happy? all the attention? are you efficient enough? do you work enough? enough to gather all the worldly materialistic possessions you thought would bring you to the pinnacle of happiness? are you crazy enough? original enough? are you cooool enough? do you have everyone youve ever met praising your coolness? are you knowledgeable enough? do you read enough? is your vocabulary large enough? impressive enough? is your IQ enough to get you where you need to go? want to go? are reasonable enough? you are you smart enough? smart enough to come up with wit and quips that you thought everyone adored in a person? are you funny enough? do people think your deep enough? enough to sooth their troubled heart and heavy head? or explore the subconscious depths of thier mind when they talk to you? are you easygoing enough to bring anyone and everyone to ease? is your profile designed and structured… enough? do you have enough friends? internet buddies? do you look good enough? is your hair cool enough? your smile? eyes? ears? nose? chin? body? arms? legs? gut? are you gentically enough? do you impress enough? are you good enough?

have you ever had enough? only to realize its never enough?

enough adj 1Sufficient to meet a need or satisfy a desire; adequate

what the fuck is everyone looking for? why the fuck is EVERYONE SEARCHING? FOR WHAT? WHat is everyone searching for? WHY? why do people give up? cause maybe your looking in all the wrong places.um…i do it.

LISTEN TO ME IF YOU READ THIS

If you keep doing what your doing YOULL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOUR GETTING

does that make sense? um. how about be real. with yourself and others. and give up searching in temporary things. things that are subject to change. search for truth and goodness. they never change.

aand that was my mind.

and i feel bad for way too many people. and at times sadly enough… myself. cause i know better.

GOD.

i dunno.

journaling

i was getting tired of posting blogs on myspace. people dont give a shit to look at any of that stuff. i just need to write and let go sometimes. so um. here i am. ive been very thoughtful lately. i dont know if thats good or bad, but ive been really delving into things. its pretty unnecessary. ive been thinking alot. im so over so much shit. im tired of dick people who dont take thier time to get to know anyone. i like meeting everyone. and what i dont like is the people who dont give any thought to anyone else but themselves. alot of people like that lately. whatever.

my moms going to jersey for the summer, my sisters leaving for college soon, my younger sisters never around. so that leaves my dad and i alone in this house. not that im gonna ever see him cause he travels and works more than anyone ive ever met, but its a potentially scary situation. we’ll see tho. everyone that i remained close with the past year has moved the fuck away. mostly college. and everyone else i use to keep in touch with just disappeared. i dont do drugs so i keep myself from people that put me in those compromising situations. i dunno. i decided to pick my friends instead of having them around for convenience. so i only have like… very few now. my choice. the people i happen to surround myself with are the best people ive met so its straight. ive had alot of free time for good stuff like lifting, getting in shape, eating really good stuff. um. jakes gonna be my lifting partner for the next two months so im stoked about that. i started playing my guitar alot more. it feels good to write music again. dino fuckin belli left me. it sucks. im gonna visit him. colorado. nice place.

heavy heavy low low is amazing.
im so tired i have one eye open.

going to bed.

blah blah blah

Lifes up and down and all around and Im not ready to settle on deciding that life is one way or the other. Im really content right now exploring new things and new people and pushing myself in a direction that calls for discipline and self-control.

Ive abandoned the short roads that addiction and abuse lead you. Ive called myself to a task of finding out how powerful my will is and how far am I willing to go with and for myself. I’m my only fan. There is no one else pushing me. No one wakes me up in the morning. I dress myself. If these things are learned and automatic I think I am more than able to incorporate a variety of valuable success tools into my life that can become just as mastered.

I’ve learned in my life that there is absolutely no absolute. Life is not one way. Its whatever and however you choose to see it. You consciously and probably more often subconsciously decided whats good and whats bad. I’ve decided that my failures are the farthest thing from bad. I’ve failed more times in my life than the majority of the people Ive met. I’ve had more opportunity thrown away because of my shortsightedness than most people are willing to hear.

What I know now is I want nothing more than to never make the same mistake twice. I want to learn from my failures. I see that the more I fail, the more I learn. The key is to keep your focus on your goal and success. andddddddd blah blah blah.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

oh yea…. ohh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

oh yea…. ohh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
so yea. Ive been chillin. no school. yea. no school. no college? yea. fuck that. I dont have the money right now- NOR do i have any clue as to what i want to do with my life. Im not gonna go to college just to “party it up” cause really ive already done shitloads of that. Why didnt i jump on the bandwagon and go to college like every other teen. well honestly-and if you were one of those people that jumped from highschool to college, thats great. godspeed and many blessings.- but im really not like any other teen. Oh wait. You didnt wanna go cuase you werent smart enough. Thats it. ok. I can do whatever the hell i wanna do. I can get whatever grades i wanna get. I can excel when i want to or i can not give a shit and just not care. Does this mean im not capable. um.. fuck that. I never wanted a generic lifestyle. I never want an ordinary life. I want to squeeze every bit of experience i can get out of it while im alive. I just moved to florida. i want to chill the hell out. I am smart. i do know what is going on in my life and the world. moreso than alot of people. So im chillin in my free time. guitar and reading . Im also working full time like slave and im glad like . Im saving money. I really wanna chill and get my priorities straight. And you know what? its working. I can go to school whenever i want. am i justifying the situation im in? fuck yea.

I want to travel. My goal is to save enough- and go to europe for…awhile. maybe go to school there. I dont know. I really dont know. I plan on interning at a realtors office, while getting my realtors license. make more money. but the possibilities are endless.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005, 2:52 PM

hmm hmm good

Summer is ending. quickly.

That’s if you look at it from a seasonal standpoint. So don’t. Think of it as a life thing. Make summer your life. “Summer, n. 2: A period of fruition, fulfillment, happiness, or beauty. ”

man. 8 months and $500 later- MY JEEP GETS FIXED. but ill wait another 2 weeks before i see it. hmph.

music’s been my ongoing inspiration. you should listen to it. its good stuff. Ive arrived at a odd place in my life. I’m staring at a fork in the road. but i notice several other paths. I’m checking them out one by one. I hope I find what I’m looking for cause I’m not gonna give up looking.

I find that people are so damn judgmental. It hurts to see people being judged- it hurts to be judged. everyone knows this. and everyone seems to do it. im not an exception, i just recognize it. the way you are is constantly being critcized and critiqued. from the shoes you proudly wear , to your favorite vintage belt, to your sandwashed jeans that comfortably developed holes in all the right places. the conversations we carry on, the way we carry them. Your unique vocab may not be up to par with someones standards. Notes are being jotted down on your hygiene- The folds in your shirt are being examined and…….. blah blah. no ones safe. even from the people you love. God says he doesn’t judge anyone until they die. why should i?

6:20 PM

Lying

lying

Im sitting next to dead air while there is a garden of life outside my window. With this wooden chair sapping the life out of my body, i ask myself how much longer ill live. Ill walk and rub my face into the the wind. Skipping the cracks that divide my steps and grabbing onto passing trees. Humming myself a melody and look toward the setting sun- green lawnchairs are great for resting i mumbled. i found that lying in wet grass is more comforting than most feeble arms.

10:35 AM

I only want to see if your ok when im not around

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I only want to see if your ok when im not around
ahhhhhhhhhhh thats me releasing bundled energy. im ready to get out. GO FAR. im feeling a random adventure to a far off place. i need to go. go go go. get away. vacation… away from the normality of life. although theres nothing normal about life. i need away from structure and expectations. i wanna goooo. where i dont know. i wanna buy a map of the US. and just book it… tooooo… whereever the small roads will take me. its time i do some exploring. i miss the adventure my life use to contain. i need more. adventure…. i miss romance… i miss fighting for causes. where are the causes and why am i not fighting. i need something. someone to fight for. or…. so im gonna start discarding the old and adopting the new. i need to lighten up. i always forget lifes fuckin sweet. but you gotta make it sweet… since when do adventures come to you on your couch? since when did romance knock on your door? you gotta go out and get it. i know plenty of young ladies that needs some romance in thier life. one in particular. MARINES. i actually cant wait. thats my opprotunity for adventures and battles… or just me being need deep in shit for four years. oh well… experience nontheless. you can be happy if you choose to be. its quite literally a choice. i shouldnt need to remind myself of that… but i do. its a refreshing reminder anyway. wanna go to the beach and play the guitar… or… go night swimming.. thats fun. god i want night swimming.. i wanna get a lil drunk and walk on the beach.. pass out and look at the stars. so why dont i do it?… im gonna start now. PROM this weekend. should be an amazing time… although im not as excited as i originally was. im looking forward to see all of the amazing girls in our limo dress up.
7:27 PM

Compilation of posts: Dec 12- 24

Friday, December 24, 2004 

ive long since dreamed of your angelic face blowing wispers in my ear and before the break of every new day i lay and dream of you my love you taught me to sleep with hope tomorrow i will find myself lost in love once more

3:39 PM 
 
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 


Current mood:  infuriated

lately ive had raging emotions. i wanna kill. i wanna injure. pain is no contest. i want to unleash. i want to experience hurt. i want to bathe in pain. i want to inflict hurt. i want to destroy. i want to end things. i dont like being underestimated. i want to fight. i want to hold someones life in my hand. i want to breath death. whether my own or someone elses. im not fearful. im confident. i want to enjoy my sufferings and smile upon my pain. i want to lose it. I need to be pushed over the edge. please push me.

6:53 PM 
 
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 

sitting, looking, typing, seeing, feeling, moping, gasp intruiging, watching waiting, panting bleeding, infomous darkness never receding, to blank the thought of this distant needing, wanting more but never recieving, tending demons attending preachings, living lonesome living grieving, , leave the friendship never retreating, loveing lustful thoughts of healing, here i stand alone and kneeling, every tear that keeps on speeding, racing time like its fleeing, watchful demise intensity teeming,life long, lustful never ending, catch the promise, that which is pending, in your words that you keep bending, never knowing always pretending, let me know If I’m worth fending, and take the thoughts to keep me sending, simple words mabye just three, take these words, take them from me, and look inside find what you see, on what you missed, what it is is me, swallow your pride, swallow it whole, you took a dive, you paid the tole, you walked with pride never to see, who you really were, who you turned to be, signing out and clocking in, giving up, to giving in, you never new what you had to hold but now that I’m gone you’ll soon grow cold, dripping sweat, burning eyes, never to make your compromise, take these words and take them hard, shove them inside and wash them down for what you know you meant to me, I’m sorry but your friendship could never be

4:24 PM 
 
Monday, December 20, 2004 

my weekend…. friday… went to a close friends party… got inebriated… slept over… got molested by some girl… very uncomfortable situation…. overall good night… hung out with alot of guys i havent partied with in a long while… saturday DAY…. hung out with kate aLLLLLL day…. went out to EAT….. instead of seeing the polar express… gag…..met up with philip….. went to the malll….. got the camcorder up and running….. got ready for a bonfire…..saturday night… hm…. phil and i got a bonfire goin… good amount of people came and went… it got beat after the first hour… so we shot over crystals for awhile… only to return to the bonfire later that night… i must say… i drank a bit too much that night… had a killer time tho… saw alot of people id never thought id see at a party… anyway… it was goooood. had fun shootin my pellet gun… choppin shit up with a machete(sp?) and bashin things up with bats… overall fun… hm…. tonight went to a close friends lumanares? or something.. basically a giant block party… yea… didnt know anyone so i left… getting ready to go to stadium grills xmas party… FUN… good shit… exams tomorrow… wish me luck…. HA im like $400 in the hole for my car damage… still.. its been about a month now… right before xmas was a kick in the balls for my car to break… bummer.

12:12 AM 
 
Saturday, December 18, 2004 

2:35 PM 
 
Thursday, December 16, 2004 

yea.

11:45 PM 
 
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 

"This fall I think youre riding for – it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn’t permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement’s designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own enviornment couldn’t supply them with. Or they thought their own enviornment couldn’t supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really got started."

8:59 PM 
 
Monday, December 13, 2004 

didnt come up with this… but i found it humorous and entertaining enough..so:::: do you’s? 1. do you think im cute? 2. do you want to kiss me? 3. do you want to cuddle wit me? 4. do you want to hook up with me? 5. do you like my hair? are we’s? 1. are we aquintences? 2. are we friends? 3. are we hook ups? 4. are we in a relationship? 5. are we going to have kids? 6. are we going to fhuck like vild boar? would you’s? 1. would you hang out with me? 2. would you ask me out on a date? 3. would you be my hook up? 4. would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend? 5. would you have sex with me? have you ever? 1. have you ever thought about me? 2. have you ever thought there might be an "us"? 3. have you ever thought about about hookin up with me? 4. have you ever found yourself wanting a kiss from me? 5. have you ever wished i were there? (awwww <—) are you’s 1. are you thinking "what the fuck is wrong with this kid?" 2. are you happy you know me? 3. are you mad at me? 4. are (what) you thinkin bout me? 5. are you going to repost this so that i will return the favor?

7:47 PM 
 
Monday, December 13, 2004 

i feel like i have a weight on my shoulders… its uncomfortable. i feel as if my emotions are being held down and suffocated. Am i missing something big here? i went to jersey…. i had a good time i suppose… saw all my friends… it was so good to see everyone. i wish i had a day set apart for each of people i left behind when i moved. but as much as i was glad to visit jersey…. jersey weather is not enjoyable… and i couldnt wait to be back in florida… went to the dance… danced my butt off. woooot. afterwards…no big parties… so i went to the races in Phili with jeff alex and dave… we eventually parked and ran around center city for a few hours.. made some trouble and what not… it was fun.

Currently listening:
Chutes Too Narrow
By The Shins
Release date: 21 October, 2003
5:31 PM 
 
Monday, December 13, 2004 


Current mood:  bored

1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. How have I affected you? 5. What do you think of me? 6. What’s the fondest memory you have of me? 7. How long do you think we will be friends? 8. Do you love me? 9. Do you have a crush on me? 10. Would you kiss me? 11. Would you hug me? 12. Physically, what stands out? 13. Emotionally, what stands out? 14. Do you wish i was cooler? 15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I? 16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 17. Am I loveable? 18. How long have you known me? 19. Describe me in 3 words 20. What was your first impression? 21. Do you still think that way about me now? 22. What do you think my weakness is? 23. Do you think i’ll get married? 24. What makes me happy? 25. What makes me sad? 26. What reminds you of me? 27. If you could give me anything what would it be? 28. How well do you know me? 29. Do you wish to get to know me more? 30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t? 31. Do you think I could kill someone? 32. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

3:10 AM 

Compilation of posts: Nov 6-Dec 6

Monday, December 06, 2004 

****all details excluded… cause im lazy**** I somehow found myself off of work saturday. quite a blessing. SATs sat morn. Major bummer… so hard to stay awake for those tests… anyway… i end up going to the bake sale concert… with a special group of people… phil, gada, kate and myself made our way to the concert… and it only took… THREE HOURS…. yea… probably more but im being nice… phil and his amazing directional coordination and phenomenal driving abilities wisked us about palm beach county for roughly three hours before arriving… that was fun… we did some illegal conspicuous activities before the concert… went in… had a jolly time… i must say.. the concert was cool but i had a hello sweet time chillin with phil kate and gada… we bullshitted… talked… chilled… went crazy… got deep… got… RAMBUNCTIOUS.. oh yea… all of the above… afterwards we went to cory’s house where we met up with a junk load of our friends… that was alot of fun… good bonding time with everyone… it was a quality party… a fun time… anyways… woke up this morning… went to church… where i tried staying awake… unsuccessful efforts… bah slept alot today… had killer guitar lessons with brian bell aka " the best guitarist in the friggen world" …slept more

Currently listening:
Give Up
By Postal Service
Release date: 18 February, 2003
1:37 AM 
 
Thursday, December 02, 2004 

your gonna need a good 15 minutes… but its worth reading it and seeing whats up with the nationally controversial article… Article 1: No Longer a Christian Part 1 Rebutle Article2: No Longer a Christian Part 2

2:14 AM
 
Wednesday, December 01, 2004 

*****DRAMATIZATION****** After lifting for 4 1/2 years when my father and i started lifting in our basement 530 everymorning… this lasted for a few years before i realized my passion for the sport and indiviually took it to another level… dec 17 2003 i stopped suddenly… and after losing 20 lbs… i realized i could not go on living without lifting as a part of my life… November 29th i resumed my passion once again… in three months i want to regain almost a years worth of weight lost… and attain my junior year weight of 180lbs… is it possible? 5000 calorie per day diet… lets hope so

3:19 AM 
 
Thursday, November 25, 2004 

***** The rendition of actual events that Mike encountered on Thanksgiving eve is a DRAMATIZATION.*** November 24th was the beginning of a hell of a night. It started with a bottle… a bottle of Europes finest…Absinthe. My illustrious adventures began with the first bitter… and quite overpowering… sip of the "Green Fairy". (Let me note that absinthe is far from palatable… save anything after your first three drinks ofcourse… at that point you hardly taste anything at all…) After the first drink… followed up by 4 others… i found myself in an invigorated… lively… state of mind… not drunk whatsoever might i add… but more… enlightened… my bones felt stronger… i had reason… and there was a clearness that draped over my body. Over a period of several hours.. with my two close friends… we slipped into our "absinthical" state of minds and enjoyed the wee hours of the morn. and i mean WEE. like 300 AM wee. We mixed the 140 proof liquor (absinthe) with other parts and ingredients that are recommended to help induce a more pleasureable experience…. and to sweeten and lullify the harsh bitter,herbal taste of this exotic drink. Around 1:30 ish… i go online.. and inspect my buddylist… i talk to random ppl… who are also quite intoxicated… and write random messages and emails to ppl. (very intelligle i must add. I suprised myself at my conherent sentences and writing abilities.. even at the state i did reach.) one of the friends left. *pout*. but by chance we picked up one more. who left after a thirty minute roundabout and a stop at the only convenient store open. Walgreens. (a stores not convenient when they arent open… so i thank walgreens so staying true to thier covenient store heritage). So friend number 3 is tired and me and friend number one are not. so number 3 goes home. *pout once more* so im left with a jeep. My closest friend… and…accomplice and Five quite powerful drinks flowing throughout my body. first. lets do the math. Powerful all terrain vehicle that can smash through anything and ride over everything. CHECK. A friend who can coax and encourage bahavior you might not otherwise do by yourself becuase its foolish, but do it because they make you confident in your abilities to survive and conquer anything. Even Death. CHECK. A Foriegn pyschedelic liquor that serverly depresses the majority of your inhibitions and opens your mind in a way that you never thought possible. CHECK Jeep Friend Foreign liquor= TROUBLE (aka hello fun) sOOO….. we decide to go off roading. And i mean. Off roading. we didnt use roads.. oh no. roads are overplayed. everyone uses roads. not us. Hm… bushes.. no problem. "i dont wanna turn around. lets go through a yard to get to that road" "it says DO NO ENTER. Lets check it out." ETC., We traveled… many many hours in the jeep. everywhere. jupiter is no mystery to me any longer. Actually. South florida in general.anyway… continuing along…. 545 in the morning. Driving through a hello-big field. driving over hello-big mounds of dirt and debris… fun… well.. i just get done goin over a giant pile and… i go to switch gears.. but my clutch doesnt work. so im like. wtf. i pop it into neutral. fiddle with it. im at my wits end… and scared. my precious bulldog of a jeep is servely injured. my friend jumps on it and does his best to figure it out. we are in the middle of a field of dirt/ mud/ valleys/ mounds… offroad paradise. with a jeep. that doesnt work. im not even gonna tell you what i was thinking. but i put it in first and started the car in first whilst giving it gas. IT MOVED AND WE WERE OFF. my friend was standing and watching as i was driving off yelling to him" im not stopping you better run and jump in" so… he skidattled his way after me and jumped in. whatev. The ride home was very… scary. We could not stop in fear of not starting again. so….we get home in like 1st gear. check it out. some hydraulic line from the clutch to the transmission is BROKE. cracked. over worn. whatever. so. im fucked. 630 in the morning. im like… uh i need to go home.. i go home.. i havent checked in with my rents all night. i set myself up for trouble. i walk in the house 630 in the morn. and who do i see. my father. yes. my. militeristic christian moral father. and im not even gonna tell you what ge said to me. but it wasnt healthy. not at all. i was tired and it didnt matter. my jeep was broke. poo. -MIchael Sean-

7:20 PM 
 
Thursday, November 25, 2004 

Me frigen blabbing about shit most "men" wouldn’t dare speak of…cause its not cool…im bored. so bored. so i dont care. Life. Whats up with it. When is it gonna start getting good? is this as good as it gets? Why am i living it alone? do i chose to live it alone? i want to Love. it seems that asking to be loved is too much for some people. i want to enjoy life. i know its possible. I want to get really down to earth with someone. tell them how i feel. and let them know that i do care about their feelings. For me to fall for someone a connections gotta occur. its not enough that im attracted to them. the attractions gotta be there but its that we connect in a way that i am so confident in thier decisions and their intentions with my feelings that i can disreguard my insecurities and trust them. yea. thatd be cool. everytime i do that the girl goes nuts and fucks me over. literally sometimes. anyway. yea i wanna fall in love again. ofcourse im prepared to get hurt. when you fall in love you are setting yourself up for hurt. not always. there are ppl out there who are genuinely loving and would never dare to do anything to compromise thier feelings for you. i need to find someone like that. Id love them like they’ve never been loved before.

5:22 PM 
 
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 

i met a girl today… whom i was THOROUGHLY impressed with. a rarity. i must say. it was like the "love at first sight" thats so enigmatic and mysterious. i felt like a little school boy. everyone knows what im talking about. the feelings that dont have to fester and grow… but explode and fill you up like they’ve always been there, the instant your eyes lock and hold onto eachothers… those are the feelings everyone looks forward to getting. no matter who you are. and i lovem. anyway… my little emotional rush for the day… that i felt inclined to share. hah.

Currently listening:
Give Up
By Postal Service
Release date: 18 February, 2003
3:34 PM 
 
Sunday, November 21, 2004 

For people who’ve never heard The postal service… you are missing out deeply… so im giving you an opprotunity to read some lyrics..just cuz

The Postal Service(amazing band)- Such Great Heights

I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they’re perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you’re away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, ‘come down now,’ they’ll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
‘come down now,’ but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

Postal Service, The – Such Great Heights –>

Currently listening:
Give Up
By Postal Service
Release date: 18 February, 2003
9:33 PM 
 
Saturday, November 13, 2004 

some writing:::

im cold now and my arms are empty
i say im warm and my heart is full but
who am i fooling
when the worlds a barron iceland
all i have is a phone and a sweater to keep me warm
 and ive lost touch with you
youve lost all hope for me
but as long as your content and your arms are full
im ok with that my love
as long as youre warm
ill sit alone and think of you
by the candle you lit that set my heart afire

 

another:

i was drunk from the taste of your lips
and high from the touch of your soft skin
i thought i saw the world in its  perfect state
but i was inebriated with love
now that we’re through im hungover
you left me sick and tired
how i long to be intoxicated with our love once more
but i know id wake up alone and unhappy again
wishing the same dream that left me feeling feeble…
this addicting love is so unhealthy for my mind and soul
your poison is killing me softly.

2:21 PM 
 
Monday, November 08, 2004 


Current mood:  blank

well.. november 6th 2004 was a historic night… THe drunkest mike has and will ever get… ever… because if i do happen to get any drunker id die….

i dont remember a whole lot after finishing the cuervo… i remember drinking a bottle of cuervo… and… some beer…and jello shots and having a good time the whole night… socializing… you know… doin what people to at partys when they are drunk….being crazy… meeting people.. doin the whole drunk thing… they had a mean slippin slide goin on outside… beer bongs… keg stands all night… everyone was drunk and being straight…  until someone slashed my boys tires… then i got in killer mode… and (not naming any names) a "bunch" of  upset/ pissed off/ crazed "people" went to his house and fucked the shit outta his house… windows and everything.. and his car is in ruins now….. and i have a gaping laceration in my hand with flesh all mangled and hanging out of it… and blood… and then round 300 just when the cops arrived i started throwing my brains up..in the bathtub (KEWL).. interesting… the bathroom was a bloody mess with my blood… and the bathtub was a giant cesspool… i thought i was gonna die… i was so drunk. i was so drunk i could hear everyone talking… but i couldnt see anything… and i couldnt even put words together to talk.. i was like… mentally retarded… my mind and body where completely unattached… i tried my hardest to form words and intelligible sentences/phrases… but it mostly came out in mumbling…  the cops took pity on me… i told them in was all jennifers fault…they found that funny… jen didnt… i was havin a jolly time talking and listening to them as i was passed out throwin up… we had a ball.. they went easy on me tho… not funny was havin to hear my dads voice in the background when he came to pick me up at 400… he wasnt happy… and i was drunk… if you know my dad you just picture his face and look of disgust as he saw his pitiful drunk as hell son tryin to mumble to him… so he was not at all proud of me that night… esp after hearing i was a suspect in the whole rampage ordeal.. im clear tho… soo… .. i cant find my license… i think that the cops thieved it… hm…  soo… i bonded with alot of people that night…. dont remember half of them… i will when i see the people again..i hope… except i do remember grace lauri and lauren.. i remember bonding with them…

what else… i woke up at like 1:00 still half drunk… and im still hungover and sore like crazy..my left hand is mangled… my right hand is like sprained… what i night…some joe shmo tried fighting me… while i had a bat in my hand… what the hell is wrong with people… people really have no common sense when theyre drunk…i shoulda knocked some sense into him..i took pity tho. it was the alcohol.

 

school tomorrow.. cool…

12:38 AM 
 
Saturday, November 06, 2004 

today… im going to a wedding reception with a special someone.. cool.. i got a slick new outfit so i dont look run down and ill kept. BOXELDER TONIGHT>>>>> HELL YEA>>>>

Currently listening:
Love Light Affection
By Boxelder
Release date: 13 April, 2001
3:35 PM