Author: William

I have an uncontrollable urge to be happy. To recognize God at the center of everything is so reassuring. I’ve been reading “discourse on method” by Rene Descartes. His mind operates in the same fashion as mine. I can relate wholly with his sound step by step construction of concepts and insights that manufacture irrefutable reasons and philosophies that are almost tangible in their truth. I think, therefore I am. This is a subject I’ve talked to many people about. As I grow older I recognize the importance of faith. I know what faith means from my own experience, but explaining in to people in a relatable manner can be difficult. Faith is believing without seeing.  Contrary to what’s being taught in modern schools, anything we encounter as realty is really subjective. Only the idea of the reality reinforces the validity of what we encounter. Nothing is a constant. Truth is very subjective to every eye. So how can we believe anything? Schools only teach an analytical approach to the system which deals solely with semantic paradigms that they recognized were always apart of our understanding. They fail to address anything that supposes anything outside the constructs of being tangible, even though the idea’s of many of their suppositions are intangible. In order to see something, the idea and understanding must exist first and foremost. We cannot consider something we cannot conceive. Since the beginning of understanding there have always been men that originally conceived ideas that were revolutionary and contrary to previous maxims. After the idea is tested and resonates with other truths collected, it is accepted.

God and his existence are not apart of their world. The concept of God and his perfection must first be understood for us to venture towards truth. Understanding must enter.

Rene talked about doubts. Doubts are everywhere. Doubt is the opposite of perfect since perfection is whole and needs not contrary conjectures to understand. Doubts are not of God, who is perfect and whole. I’m going to have to reread that last chapter to reinforce my understanding of his reasoning, but it was profound. God. Faith.

How do we know anything is real? It first starts as an idea, we put faith into that idea, and we expound upon it. If it is of God, it will reflect solid grounding and will bring forth fruit- of life or constructive progress in general.

I like to create: To think novel, new, and meaningful things, ideas, and concepts. I like assimilating all I know and test it against everything I have experienced. I take everything into consideration and weigh it against my reasoning. I like to face confrontations and fears in hopes of gaining a better understanding of the things that may seem daunting. When you trust God and strive to develop his understanding you can face anything in the world and have the strength and courage to dissect anything that confronts you.

I’d like to learn another language just so I could read books in their native tongue and think in a manner that resembles their process.

I had thanksgiving this evening with my aunt and uncle and cousins. We went to my cousin Gordie’s high school friends house. I ate a lot. Drank a little bit of beer. Made sure I ate a lot though. Mid morning I went to a thanksgiving high school football game at holy cross, my uncles college. It was nice. I saw all the high school kids. It made me remember the days of high school I went to a lot of high schools. I probably enjoyed florida the most. Even tho I wasn’t so much ingrained into the school. Everyone liked me tho. That was great. I went to a lot of parties and met a lot of people. Pitman NJ was alright. Pretty limited and drab though. Not a lot of big thinkers.

I was reading in a psychology book about intellectual ability. They talked about the factors involed with being intelligent. I always deemed myself as intelligent. As thinking outside the box. As being unconventional and risky and doing things with the intent to learn. Analytical thinkers are those who tend to score higher on IQ tests. Although I did pretty well on the iq test I don’t think it accurately represents the value in me. I believe that I myself have more value than any test ever makes me out to be. That’s why I associated and really related with the facets involved with creative thinkers. They are more intrinsically motivated. They seek unconventional ways. They make mistakesin order to learn from them. They brainstorm. Analytical thinkers tend to be bright in an area of study, score high on IQ tests, but don’t create or invent novel ideas. They don’t think outside the box or make contributions to a field. Creative thinkers are the people who dream and try and try and make ideas work.

I think of myself as creative. I actually like to think of myself as extremely well rounded. This is why I think of myself as a leader. One who thinkers analytically, creatively, and practically when the time calls for it.

So today was sorta slow. The northeast tends to be gray. I need sunlight. I got my hair cut. The sides are a little too short for my long face but I still would take this hair over my longers, homelier, long hair any day.

G***** doesn’t talk much. He’s usually pretty offensive, too serious and he jabs at weaknesses. I know that weak people do that to cover up their own flaws. The smart people refuse to stoop. I often stoop in order to prevent people from walking over me. Or to prevent the idea that it’s alright from entering their head. I feel good. I feel like I want to accomplish work. Not like desperately but I’m looking forward to getting all my school work done either tomorrow or Saturday, no excuses. And if I have more, or if I perfect or study any more for the remaining weekend I plan to.

I want to set up goals and desires and pin point them. I want to be around challenges and stimulating environments. Landmark college forces me to delve within myself. I mean… it does… cause if I didn’t… I’d go insane. Or depressed. I need to let creative tendencies out. I need to create. To find novel meaning. To find meaning that moves or that’s profound. I have a very hard time getting along without it and I often find that I get easily depressed if I lack that component of life.

Today was good. I lifted. I talked to some people. Expressed a lot of stuff. I talked to some professors. My enthusiasm lifted as the day progressed which was a good thing. I was pretty motivated. I finished a lot of stuff. I have less than a month of school left. I had 4 major papers due in the next 2 weeks. Not too bad tho.

I lifted today. It felt good.
Tomorrow I go to Massachusetts for thanksgiving break. hm.

I feel very detached. Emotionally void and distant. I’m not sure the cause of these fits of confusion. I long for some kind of stimulation that would enable me to feel again. I explored the possibility of the weather. This weather is gray and neutral Not too much warmth and happy feelings. And I’m not even sure if I’m sad… I’m just unhappy. I’m a little lost. It’s been a long while since this despondency has hit me so deeply. there is a vein of apathy that kills every thought before it blossums. Not so much apathy… I have the desire to be more and do more… but for some reason my body is not following up. Maybe this is my problem and I’m not addressing it. What’s bothering me? something internally? Is it the weather?.. or may be the lack of social stimulation? no… possibly lack of love? Lack of stimulating classroom experiences? I feel that I go to class each day… I hear what they say… I read the text… I listen and I show up and I participate… but when I walk out of the classroom I am somewhere else. I drift. My thoughts are in the clouds..resting and relaxing… yet uncomfortable and restless.

The trees are dead now. the green grass won’t be green for very much longer. Frost covers the ground every night. It looks like tiny diamonds were strewn across the lawn-scape. a sparkling sea.

I always contemplate joining the military after my college years. I feel that it may do me some good. It wont be easy, but that’s what I want. Something hard, challenging so I don’t think about how deprived of feelings I am. It’s very odd. I need feelings. I need to feel. i don’;t care if it’s bad of good feelings… I can work with the feelins if they are there… i struggle with creating feelings out of nothing. It can be done… I need to focus my thoughts… but it’s a struggle nonetheless.
I’m going to go eat now.

What if time folded on top of itself. What is the universe was a giant circle in some way. Time is slowly slowing down. In the past light traveled faster. Time was quicker. Energy was faster. Matter was more stable. Each atom was spinning at an optimal speed, maximizing the pull-the gravitational pull- it has on surrounding molecules. Light traveled the speed on thought. At the instant everything came into being everything was sustained and perfect. Matter was perfect. At a state that would survive infinitely. The most stable state ever. No death. No corrosion. Stars, hundreds of billions of years away, instantly shown on our earth. What makes an electron spin around the nucleus of an atom? What decides its speed? Time is slowing down from that point of creation. Ever since then fabric of the universe is

What if time folded on top of itself. What is the universe was a giant circle in some way. Time is slowly slowing down. In the past light traveled faster. Time was quicker. Energy was faster. Matter was more stable. Each atom was spinning at an optimal speed, maximizing the pull-the gravitational pull- it has on surrounding molecules. Light traveled the speed on thought. At the instant everything came into being everything was sustained and perfect. Matter was perfect. At a state that would survive infinitely. The most stable state ever. No death. No corrosion. Stars, hundreds of billions of years away, instantly shown on our earth. What makes an electron spin around the nucleus of an atom? What decides its speed? Time is slowing down from that point of creation. Ever since then fabric of the universe is

I remember when I use to feel. And think. Now I go through the motions. I don’t know what I do day in and day out. I feel automated. I feel like my life is not my own. How did I end up here. Am I alright?

Am I comfortable with myself? Could I let someone love me? I hate sounding weak. I like feelings. In my chest. Good feelings. Bad feelings. I can’t feel. So I try to feel bad and I hope that it will remind me that I’m alive.

I want to feel good. I’m on the bus to Buffalo, NY. I’ll be attending the PBL National Leaders conference. I don’t feel like me. I don’t like where I’m at. Landmark is not where I want to be. It is not. It doesn’t make me feel any better that this is only a stepping stone. It’s a shitty stepping stone. Not where I want to be. Its raining out. The drive is 8 hours. We stopped twice. I had a shitty salad and a roast beef sandwich from roy rogers. I paid over eleven dollars. I want a woman to make me feel. A touch. A hug. A kiss. I want to tell her I love her.

I’m going on this trip with people who are beneath me. Their value is at my level. They are human and have feelings—but they are not on my level. They lack the curiosity, the yearn for adventure and love and life and creativity.

There was a man. He had 8 brothers and sisters. They played sports and were all stars. He had the reading level of an 8th grader. He doesn’t drink or smoke. He watches sports on TV. He’s a huge fan. He plays Nintendo. He’s very protective of his stuff. He is enthusiastic and a little weird. His name is Bill. He has a sister with a 3rd grade mentality. He does to work. Comes home. Prepares an easy dinner to share with his sister. He attends alcohol anonymous meetings. And he sleeps.

I wrote in my journal today. It felt good. Better than typing away on some plastic eletronic piece of equipment. I feel that paper and pen articulate so much more than the interpretative meanings from the text. They involve the small discrepancies of motor function in the wrist and fingers as a result of tension in the mind and body.

I’m lost. in my head. in currently floating. Its a dream like fog. thick yet airy and confusing. I’m not sure how fast or slow I’m going. my sense of progress is far out and out of touch. the people around me. hmph. fat. skinny. gimpy. stupid. dull. rough. flamboyant. homely. ruffled. confused.

what is good.

i need to keep digging. asking myself these questions. what the hell am i doing. why am i doing that? I don’t want to be a robot. I want to give responses as they relate directly to my experience in the here and now. I am not a product of others. I will stand firm in my resolutions. The snarling remarks of the ignorant. Clutching the lies they feed on. I don’t have to open my mouth of justify my actions to them. I only need to feel it inside. But at the moment I’m lacking feelings. I’m lacking human emotion. Its gray. Its almost sad. I want happy.

I’m exhausted. I lifted legs and lower back today. I did all my homework. I ate. Kept to myself. Read a little. Thought happy thoughts.

The air tonight was amazing. It was one of those nights you remember forever. It’s a nostalgic memory.
the air was cold. Crisp. Fresh. I could see my breath. The atmosphere seemed so pristine and clear and fresh crisp that my breath looked like it was almost polluting it with every exhale of moisture. hm.

The stars lit up the sky. Like diamonds. It was beautiful with the stark contrast of the pitch black sky. No light pollution. Just mountain air and the heavens.

I’m happy.

I stumbled across an article that outlined some research done on this chemical compound called resveratrol. It’s found in red wine (the skins of grapes). A research company is doing testing on a pill that could increase the lifespan and longevity of people. Check it:

http://www.portfolio.com/views/columns/2007/11/07/Sirtris-Tests-Fountain-of-Youth-Pill?TID=alsoin/fountainofyouth

http://www.resveratrol.com/

It’s late in the morning… around 2:00am.
I went to the VFW & the legion for veterans today with my marine friend. Not much partying goin on the the Marine birthday tonight.

It was freezing tonight… about 25deg.
I went to a few bars with my friend. Met some townies. One guy, who was especially nice and personable, was named ‘Bushy’. I, of course, found this humorous on some level. maybe cause he was from vermont and slightly overweight with a dull look in his eyes like he was raised in the mountains. i dunno.

I listed to some good bands. They were doing great covers. No cute girls. Not one that really fancied my taste. Typical and expected in these parts so I’m not entirely disappointed.

I read recently about the Socratic method. About two phase free-style and the deconstructive and constructive process. I was using it tonight on my friend. It was driving him to unknowns and confusion which left me feeling funny. I’ve got like… hm… 30 some books that I want to buy saved in my cart on amazon. For Christmas I’m gonna spend the money I get on buying those books. About Goethe, and Socrates dialogs and Plato’s accounts. etc.,

I had about 4 drinks. about 4 cigarettes.
im not proud, but it was good to unwind and let go of all the worry and school work ive been dwelling on.

My chin is on the desk.

im staring at the screen.

My friend got pulled over tonight as we were pullin into campus.
A state trooper approached the car and asked the usual details. Had he been drinking? yes. He was asked to step outside and into the troopers car. I was slightly worried. About 10 minutes later he returns chuckling. his father was a state trooper.
WTf happened? i asked.
You know how to take a breathlizer test?
hm… pretty sure…
well.. .he said… I just blew a .77.
wow.
the legal limit was .8

i laughed.
‘fuckin pigs’ he said.

we drove home.

Today has been nice. yesterday I spoke with coaching services. We talking about beginning to write my book. However daunting and monumental the task appears and seems to be, its something that needs to begin.

Its ok out. Considering its pretty much winter the weather hasn’t been as harsh as it should be. The sky is gray. Not so blue. Patches of blue littering the sky-scape, but mostly over-casted by a sheet of gray. The patches of blue are almost worn into the clouds.
It was 28 deg last night. Freezing. I lifted hard. So hard. I was pumped and it was intense. I’m getting bigger and it feels good. My body feels like its strengthening on top itself.
Classes are going alright. I’m starting to read my books again. I somehow got bogged down and started neglected the joy I had for reading. I picked up an old book for inspirational purposes. I’ve got like 4 books I’m halfway through that I need to finish. I have the poor mental excuse that I’m too tired to pick up and read the book.When I do I tend to nod off after a dozen pages. Not the progress I like. I need to reinvent the passion and need.
I need girls. cute, attractive, flirtatious, friendly girls. I can’t wait to go to NYU or UPENN or where ever I end up. I’m looking forward to the quality of person’s there. Not to mention the environment that just fosters thought and achievement.

Contemplate:

“I think, therefore I am.” -Descarte

“We become what we think about all day long.”- Emerson

Is this the person you long to be?
A captive? a revolutionary? a slave? a rebel? angry? pissed? chained? deceived? cynical? fearful?

They say: garbage in, garbage out. Whatever you put yourself around is who you will inevitably turn out to reflect.

Whatever it is we feed our mind will eventually become who we are. It doesn’t matter if we think it has an effect or not- it does. We program our sub-conscious minds consciously. If you seek a state and stance in order to conquer all things- take notes from those who conquered all things. Not the people who talked about it, but the people who did it.

“Vision without action is a dream. Action without vision is simply passing the time. Action with Vision is making a positive difference.”

Food for thought..

I just got back from the gym. I’ve been lifting hard. I’m about 180 right now at roughly 8% body-fat. I’d like to get to 185lb, with 10% before Christmas. I’d like to bench 300lb by then as well.

I love accounting. Not love- but I like how it makes perfect sense. Usually anyway.
I did all my accounting homework and I feel excellent about it. I have an English paper rough draft due tomorrow that i’m finishing up right now. I have a business presentation on advertising and promotion due friday. I have a business club meeting tomorrow. I need to meet with the dean of students and the director of campus activities. I have an appointment with coaching services at 1:00 and an appointment with transfer services at 3:00. Tomorrow is going to be busy.

I’m writing a paper on written humor.

Is it still a viable art form in American culture? I said no, to an extent. I recognize that all humor materializes on paper. I feel like it does. Then again it could sit in the mind of a man and never come out. My inclination is to believe that all humor, whether it be from the radio or television or the internet, takes root when it’s written down. All the idiosyncrasies are ironed out on paper. It materializes and solidifies. Written humor…

Writing. It will never ever leave any culture entirely. As a viable art form it will always exist, although it may not thrive. I think as far as popularity is concerned, there are other means of entertainment that have taken priority over the harder to comprehend written humor. It requires thought, something else that’s on it’s way out of American culture. Easily digestible snippets of understanding are the main course for the culture today. The attention span and comprehensive processes don’t linger around long enough to digest a story. Maybe comic strips. Small words and phrases that symbolize meaning or images hold are attention and get to the punch line far quicker than any written story could convey.

American culture is about instant gratification. They seek out whatever means they can to grasp some form of gratification. Time is constraint that has been an excuse that has prevented large populations of people from reading. Energy and focus is another. They are bombarded by so much stimuli that its no wonder they can’t sit down to decipher an arrangement of words that retain a quality of amusement. They would rather have someone decipher it for them, and build the imagery form them. Like a video. Video’s and watching humor encapsulates and translates with the easiest form of expression for the mind.

Is written humor still a viable art form in the American culture? There is a difference between humor and comedy. Humor contains a quality of amusement. Comedy deals with the dramatic form of composition produced through a specific medium. Comedy relies on humor for it’s dramatic form and composition. Literary humor requires that you’re mind engage and play out the qualities of amusement through your interpretation of the text, characterizing it for yourself. Comic humor, when one watches humor through a medium of expressions such as comic-strips or stand-up or video, is becoming the favorite. Literary humor is indeed losing popularity. The percentages of people who sit down to read an humorous article or book are far and few between. People are much more inclined to absorb amusement produced by someone else’s interpretation.

But I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, his greatest fulfillment of all he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious.
– Vince Lombardi

I had a dream about her last night. She was beautiful. I love the way she hugs me. We were hesitant to touch or acknowledge the longing for it. I’m not sure what we did. I was doing my business. She was minding her own. I probably acted like I didn’t care. She didn’t really give me any reason to. We caught up. I did my thing. She’s not apart of my life. It doesn’t matter much.
But eventually we had to say our good bye’s. They are the best and worst. I wrapped my arms around her and she buried herself into my chest. I wanted to make it brief but there’s always that inclination to hold on just a second longer. I figured that the hug was long enough- I don’t like feeling clingy. She clenched my shirt as I pulled away. She didn’t want to let go- neither did I.  I grabbed and held her again, this time I meant it. I felt her squeeze me tight. I melted into her and let all other thoughts and feelings run free.  It felt good. Intimate. I brought her face close to mine and looked into her eyes. Like doors to her soul, they shown beautiful.  I could feel her heart, beating and pulsing. I could see all the imperfections that made her unique.  Her natural beauty radiated. I stroked her cheek with my finger. Our noses touched and tickled the other. We touched lips and paused. I felt her breathing slow and hesitate. Lips barely touching, I knew I wanted more- She wanted more. I felt a smile run over my face. She smiled. We couldn’t resist any longer. We kissed. Passionately. Slowly. And savored every moment we touched. Until we had to go. I had to go. She had to go. I have a life. She’s not apart of it. She has a life. I’m not apart of it. I’m not sure it’s meant to be that way but no one is ready to say otherwise. Not now. Not yet anyway. I’ll come for her when I’ve earned what it takes to have her, or something in just as high regard as her. Until then the satisfaction of working for it, or someone like it, will be my source of comfort. 

She was pretty tho. I loved her eyes. They were blue though. I’m not sure why. A marvelous blue. Like a blue sapphire that sparkles with dark and white shadows and shades of blue in between. I loved holding her. I loved feeling her breathe. The life I held was beautiful.

contemplation.

I thought alot today. not enough- but alot. I felt like I was making an effort to go in the right direction. I didn’t notice too many negative thoughts of worry or doubt creep in. which was good.

I’m going to Montreal Canada tomorrow… should be awesome.

this weekend was pretty fun. All last week I was stressin for no reason. I think it was brought on in part to the lack of social stimuli. I have no desire to really mingle or play in vermont. I’m focused on doing what I have to do to get out of here. I guess that’s pretty close minded. I have this mentality that I’ve seen it all before- which is a horrible mentality to approach any situation but coming from florida to vermont was a giant back step. i’m trying my best to warm up to the idea of getting out and doing things with people. Slowly…anyway.

I was reading today about… some dude… and this chart. It’s a pyramid of needs. I’ve always thought of myself with layers. The most important is the spiritual health. Second is the mental health. Third is the physical/ emotional health. if ones out of balance it causes corrosion that erodes inward or outward. anyway. this guy introduced this whole pyramid that is based on ones performance and the importance of having each base before it stable in order to fulfill the next. The first and most important base was the physiological needs- those of basic survival aka food, water, shelter.
Second was safety needs- being in a secure environment to be able to focus and feel safe.
Third is social needs- to feel loved, accepted, and part of a group.
Fourth is esteem needs- the need for recognition and acknowledgment from others, as well as self respect and the sense of status or importance
Fifth is the Self-actualization needs- to develop to ones fullest potential.

If one of the subsequent needs weren’t met there would be a lack in motivation to succeed and achieve. Interesting I thought…. I tried to parallel it with my life and I found similarities.

I neglect certain aspects and eventually they catch up and I end up seeking them out- either positively or negatively. I need to be social- as much as I want to be a nerd and study all day and read, its lame and it has negative affects on my desire to achieve. My social needs coincide with the esteem needs. which coincide with the self actualization needs. anyway.

I think I fear that I’ll put myself around the wrong people. I despise destructive people with no goals who drift aimlessly from one mindless act to another- victims to their impulses or lack of thought. I want to put myself around the best- those who has a strong desire to achieve and overcome and honestly bask in the fruitful rewards of hard work and discipline towards worthwhile goals and ideals. I recently realized that these people don’t always pop out at you and you gotta go find them… and it’s alright if they have different goals then you. They still desire much from themselves.

INTERESTS

I’m pursuing a career in Business Management Consulting…

Reading & Learning, Lifting, Socializing, Doing Synergistic Things

i like everything in life. mostly figuring things out. i like to understand everything. and experience everything. traveling is good. i like good worthwhile things. I’m fascinated by wealth and success. i like me time. i like people a lot. i like fixing things. i like self expression. I’m usually all over the place always jumping from one passion to the next, but when i find something worthwhile i’m 1000% focused. I like truth because it never changes or lets you down. I like Psychology and Philosophy cause they break down people and i love people.

Books

If i want to learn something i pick up a book and study it:
The Bible,
The five major puzzle pieces to life,
The 12 Pillars of Success,
On Writing Well,
The Magic of Thinking Big,
Seven Strategies to wealth and happiness,
The Richest Man in Babylon,
Think and Grow Rich,
Real Leadership in Real Time,
The Science of Getting Rich,
The Power of Positive Thinking,
How to Win friends and Influence people,
The 7 habits of highly effective people,
NLP at work,
The Magic of Believing,
Dare to be great,
The Wisdom of James Allen as a Man Thinketh,
Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Published works
Henry Thoreau’s Published works
Sir Francis Bacons Published works
The leader In You,
The tipping point,
Blink,
Unlimited Power,
Mere Christianity,
Rich Dad Poor Dad,
Cashflow Quadrant,
Real Estate Riches,
The Law of Attraction by Michael Loiser,
The Teachings of Abraham,
Believe and Achieve,
How I raised myself from Failure to Success in Selling,
The Psychology of Safety handbook,
The Users Manual for the Brain Vol 1&2,
The Handbook of Magic for NLP,
The Discoverers
The Things they Carried
Friedrich Nietzsche’s Published works by Walter Kaufman
Success through a positive mental Attitude,
Brain Building
Covert Persuasion
Darwin’s Demise,
Pivot,
Charisma,
Logic: A short introduction
The Psychology of Winning
The Learning Brain
Walking on Water
The Philosophical Writings of Descartes Vol.1
The Social Contract by Rousseau

Quotes

“…What the fool cannot learn, he laughs at, thinking that by his laughter he shows superiority instead of latent idiocy.” – The Life Everlasting by Marie Corelli

“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”-Emerson (Self-Reliance 1841)

Press on. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. -Calvin Cooliage

“Society – where you go when you lose your voice.”

” I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen, not only because I see it but by it I see eveything else.”
C.S. Lewis

“Envy is ignorance, imitation is suicide.”-Emerson

“People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.” ~Lewis Cass

“show me your friends, and ill show you what kind of person you are”

“Pain is weakness leaving the body”

“The opposite of Love is Indifference”

“Here the ways of men part: If you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire…”
-Nietzsche

“Anything worth having is worth working for”

” God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I Cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference”

“Who you are is who you decide to be at every moment of your waking life.” -MST

“Great minds have purposes, others have wishes”
-Washington Irving

About Me

My Personal Creed: I strive to be as genuine as possible. To do right in the midst of adversity. To be a gentlemen and a leader. To expect success and embrace responsibility. To keep an eternal perspective on the good things unseen, and be wary of being caught up in tangible, short lived things of this world. To have an eye for beauty and goodness; a heart for people. -MT

I believe strongly in Morals, Virtues, sound Values, Integrity and a good Character. I think they are the foundation for a Noble life and are worth the hardships to maintain them.

I expect the best from myself and this life. Anything else I can live without. I’ve thrown off the dregs that ensnare so many people in this world to be free to act according to my dreams as long as I’m willing to pay for it.

Movies

What dreams may come,
eternal sunshine for the spotless mind,
fight club,
a beautiful mind,
Good Will Hunting,
The Beach
Waking Life

I’ve had debilitating anxiety the past week. My mind has been unfocused and that makes me nervous. Instead of seeing all the things I have to do as individual steps in order to achieve success, I was viewing them as an amassed problem that hung over my head -like a dark cold cloud that inhibited my ambition and vision. A mass like that I look at…and it overwhelms me. Its not a comforting feeling at all. Mid-terms were all this week. They were fun. I aced most of them- and the ones I haven’t gotten back yet I’m at least comfortable enough to say I did the best I could do without being focused. I need to examine the factors surrounding this stint of uneasiness. I have been working out religiously with great intensity. That means I’ve been paying special attention to a sound diet. I’m eating like a horse. Trying to gain some weight and hit the 190lb mark. My physique is lean- and I wanna get fat, at least temporarily in order to stimulate positive muscle growth. I’ve bee sidetracked with thinking about factors that would keep me from doing my best, instead of factors that sustain my best. And its all self-talk. One day at a time till I procrastinate into a hole and feel weak and alone and confused. Which is all bull.

I’m pretty retarded sometimes. As much as I know certain things, I fail to convict myself with their relevance. I know for a fact that continually focusing on problems will just amplify my problems. You look at the brown in a room and you’ll see the brown. Whatever it is you look for- whether or not you want it- you will get. I need to look for positive solutions and opportunities. That way I’ll only be aware of the beautiful array of possibilities that surround me and I fail to recognize.

I just need to relax. I put too my pressure on myself and it causes me to shut down and stop caring. I’m a logical perfectionist. This is good and bad. Perfection is feasible, but unattainable. In order to be perfect I realize that there are logical systems of truths and values that need to be instated in one’s life. Employing these systems all the time is key. I, however, cannot constantly produce this perfection all the time. When I fail to meet my standards, standards that are next to impossible for most, I get get discouraged and retain an ultra critical disposition of my self-efficacy. This is bad as I feel that I am flawed and incapable of maintaining this goal. Of course this is just bullshit. I realize I’m not perfect, and I can only do my best as it pertains to every day. I honestly expect way too much from myself. I expect to know everything, to read everything, to figure out everything, and basically just have all the answers. But I don’t. and that’s alright. I suppose a positive ray can be seen as it’s a worthy conviction- just not too realistic. so yea.

Sometimes I try thinking and I find myself with nothing to think about. So I move onto something such as a book. A book usually inspires me and adds to the pool of thoughts I have to draw from. Especially the amazing classics. But!- sometimes this doesn’t work. So I workout and hope that changing the physiology of my body with help alter my train of thought and inspire me in some way. Sometimes this works and after an intense workout, and the release of endorphins start pumping throughout my body, I feel great and inspired. My mind picks up and runs with thoughts. Sometimes this fails to work. So I try finding stimulating people. That’s a challenge. Especially when all they talk about is trivial bullshit like the problems they bring on themselves when they sleep in and forget to study for a test and fail. or they talk about baseball. or they talk about stupid games. yea..

I like stimulating people who talk about the invigorating things in life- those people are a rare breed indeed. They talk about the idiosyncratic details involved with their feelings toward smiles and autumn and walking in the crisp air as the sun sets in the distance. I like those details. They’re a novel commodity that get thrown out as we get caught up in the big picture. When we fail to look at the details- we fail to appreciate the very details that make up that big picture. The details, those little satisfactions from saying what you mean and although it might be awkward to tell someone how beautiful they look today- its appreciated. They appreciate the honest sincerity in your eye, and I appreciate their beauty. When we’re transparent it makes life better.

But I fail to do this like I know I should. I get shy, I over think, I miss out on details, I miss compliments from others, and I fail to hand them out like I want to.

But life is good. and autumn is in full swing.

Where is my inspiration. Where is my focus. my drive. my desire. where is the novelty in it all. Where is my reason? I want a reason. 

My concentration is out of control at the moment. I feel dull and lethargic. I want to expand my mind. I’m stale and I don’t like it. I need stimulation. I need to read more. I feel that school is slowly sapping the satisfaction I got from learning. When it’s a chore there is no novelty. Its nothing new- everyday is the same. 

I have this routine going on right now. Its making me nauseas. The same routine.

What is it that drives people crazy? I need to think life into myself. I need to invigorate. i need to find new. Fresh. novel. I am getting tired of solitude.