Author: William

What is the common bond between men?

 

Are we all working toward the same end in our own way through our own understanding? That end… is that inherent in us all? Is it up to each of us to interpret it for ourselves? Do people sell themselves short with their interpretations and perceptions? Do they deny facts here and ignore facts there that should be examined? Do they lack faith in their understanding? I believe nothing is coincidence. For every action there is a reaction. If you want to know why and want answers that are true- I believe that every thread to the fabric of life should be examined. Its origins noted & its relationship with every other thread, including the implications it imposes on them, should be examined thoroughly. Nothing is random. There is truth.

There are a million ways to say something. How do you communicate so they hear?

I can say thing’s a million different ways. Each way represents a different way of looking at the very same thing. How do you communicate so that people can universally hear what you’re saying? How can you convict someone enough to listen? How do you stress the enormity and importance of what you’re saying?

When I write for teachers I wonder… they have a perception. They think we’re coming from a certain place. This is true whether or not they think so or not. They can try as hard as they way but in the end they have a place in their mind where they imagine we’re coming from. This perception may skew the place of your actual reference point. They develop an understanding in their mind of what kind of progression I need to make. What if its not a about progression but desire? If my desire is there I can make any amount of progression in any amount of time.

When I talk to people I hear that sometimes I’m overwhelming. I say too much. I try to encompass everything into mere sentences. I feel like it’s my duty to let them know I can feel as they do. I am human. I am not scared to expose my soul. It’s been trampled. I am sensitive under it all.

Do people understand this? I don’t know- but I feel inclined to share with my arms as open as I can. People can only relate with the experiences they’ve earned. No more. They can dream and imagine and that’s great- but you can only work with the material you’ve been given. When I talk or write or whatever… I try to touch on the common human aspect as much as I can. Forget the experiences and differences. I am human and I want to relate that.

I feel that to accomplish this I need to use as many idea’s and understanding and perceptions as possible. I then feel inclined to choose the word that I can encapsulate or encompass or squeeze in or pack full of or saturate or develop or realize or specify- as much of the human commonality as I can. I think this involves speaking in truths. Truths are universal- whether or not the eye chooses to see it in it’s true color or not. That’s a decision. But when I truth is declare, it resonates with common human understanding. The longing for satisfaction and definition arrives and it eager, almost enthusiastic or tickled, to try it on for a better understanding.

The minds that refrain from thinking outside the comfortable walls, walls built out of a primitive and base desire for a fulfilling  life, will stay just as they are– enclosed from the light outside, and blinded by dark shadows caused by the wall they built for themselves. They do not see very far at all. The implications of their behavior and understanding as it relates to the scheme of life and reality is totally unimaginable to them in their eyes. They only see how to implicates their feelings and the world within the walls.

*******************

I started that thought from my original inquisitiveness brought on by accurately communicating. How to do you say it all in as few words as possible. Not everything. Not all understanding. Only the understanding another looks for. You cannot feed someone if they are not hungry. I know that people hunger for more than just bread and I want to provide that satisfaction. I want to relay something that will cure them of their search.

I want to communicate whatever needs to be communicated as the moment their eyes and ears engage for stimulating or thought provoking insight that will aid them on their journey for fulfillment and understanding.

What do you call that? I refer to it in so many ways. It’s not something, its a void that encompasses a huge amount of idea’s. Its the thirst for Understanding, Answers, Truth, Right, Betterment, Excellence, Love, Kindness, Hope, Faith, Strength, Passion, Joy, Happiness, Fun,—- I guess I would say… Fulfillment. To fulfill or Fill in Full. Whatever we try to fill is I suppose relative to whatever we’re looking for. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is fulfilling. Many times we think it’s going to fulfill us… until we realize it doesn’t. We want something more. Something more satisfying. A Perfection we can grasp onto.

I have an Idea for an invention. Maybe for diabetics or survival men or soldiers at war.

The idea is a jacket that creates glucose from light and pumps it into our body for a sustained source of energy. maybe a patch, maybe ingrained into the fiber of the material. But the technology would, through photosynthesis, create glucose from the lights rays and pump it into our blood stream. This would maintain a constant form of energy, in its rawest form, to our body. It would connect through an IV or some other insertion device.  A chip would regulate the glycemic index of our blood and regulate the production of glucose.

This would be beneficial to anyone who needs to do an extended physical exertion and maintain performance. You would go on forever and according to how hard you work, the device would pump that much glucose into your blood. It would keep you performing for hours.  You would still need to take supplements to regulate vitamin and mineral levels, as well as EFA’s and proteins, but the energy source would be constant. Interesting. I wonder if we have the technology.

I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s work, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV’s while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad – worse than bad. They’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, ‘Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.’ Well, I’m not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot – I don’t want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad.
Howard Beale: [shouting] You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!’

A quote I read. It resonated within me:

“Modern schools and universities push students into habits of depersonalized learning, alienation from nature and sexuality,obedience to hierarchy, fear of authority, self objectification, and chilling competitiveness. These character traits are the essence of the twisted personality-type of modern industrialism.They are precisely the character traits needed to maintain a social system that is utterly out of touch with nature, sexuality, and real human needs.”

–Arthur Evans

The room is dimly lit. My fan hums quietly. The air is dry. There is a certain tranquility in the room. My blinds are half down and i can see the tops of big bellowing maple trees. ts mid autumn. Their leaves wave to me from their branches. It looks like they’re twinkling. They’ve started to turn yellow and orange. They sky isn’t summer blue anymore. It maintains a dusty feel. Its a feel that’s fitting when i look over the landscape and sees the leaves blowing across the sky. And there’s the dry air. It’s sharp to breath in and makes the skin  rough and ashy. I’m tired. Slightly sleep deprived but my mind races on.  I opened my book and I got lost in the pages. My imagination would take me away from what was being read and constant attention was diverted to maintain the storyline. I put the book down on my chest, still opened to my page. My head still propped up with two pillows. My eyes are heavy. All around the edges they get heavier as if I’m growing weaker. They begin to burn so i close them gently and let the moisture of my eyelids saturate them. It feels so effortless and rewarding I keep them closed. I hear the hum of my fan maintain an entrancing vibe. I listen closely focusing in to notice oscillating discrepancies in its rhythm. I can hear the mechanical struggle of electrical current fighting with moving parts against the laws that govern motion.

I think about feelings. I think about feelings exchanged with others. Especially those who catch my eye. Those girls. Girls because they in my mind they are innocent. They have something to offer that is unadulterated and skewed with illogic and hurt. I think about it for a moment, my eyes still closed. I see her. Something that perks my inquisitiveness. My eagerness to just grab her and say ‘I think your wonderful would you sit with me I want to know you’ all in one breath. I instead watch. I wait for anything to lead me to think she’s anything less than great. I resume my work and glance in her direction to get a funny feeling that leaves me smiling inside. Was she looking at me? I pretend not to notice or I tell myself not to get too anxious because after all…it was nothing. I may be over reacting here. I continue on., very concentrated in my work,  but I can’t fool myself that she’s not in the back of my mind. Cooly I look up and glance towards her once again. I can’t help but smile. She quickly  looks down and away but maintains a smile that radiates the room.  Butterflies, fireflies, a drenching warmth and a sense of being alive wraps itself around me.

I see her walking away and I struggle to look for the appropriate words… I wanna walk with her, I wanna talk with her… time ticks as I get closer and closer until i blurt out a mess of words ” whathihowyouwanna” all at once- like I was speaking in tongues. Before I even know what I said she turns with and says “I’d love to walk with you.”  I relax and shake it off.

I feel asleep again. I woke up in a dream.

hello love. I see you floating just above, dancing and swaying in the gentle breeze. you blow here and there like a feather drifting gently. I chase you like a child, into the meadow. I love meadows. I lay down and scratch my head. Looking up into the blue sky, my eyes adjust to the brilliance. I see you love. so far above but not out of sight. I’ll sit here and wait for you. Collect a tan and rest my weight on the lush lawn. extend my toes and stretch my arms up and out.  I stretch my facial muscles into all sorts of funny shapes, raising my eyebrows and wrinkling my nose back and forth. The sun is shining radiantly. You can almost see its rays reaching like fingers across the blanket of blue above. its trancing. The aroma of wildflowers. Silent. Only the sound of wind blowing through the tops of trees not too far off. the short conversation between song birds. I close my eyes gently in a dream. Opening them i see my love. floating right above me. and i smile.

Dear Teacher:
I need to express some thoughts about school and your class:
I was curious and concerned about my progress in your class. I do my best to seek out as many approaches and perspective to problems or challenges as I can in order that they be used to encourage better results.  My tendency is to look as deep as I can in order to see the significance to things because only then do I become engaged and enchanted by the value. I think every class offers a universal value that translates on some metaphorical or analogical level to every aspect of life or academic study. When I uncover that value I become excited and learning is a pleasure and no longer an automated chore.  If the intrinsic significance lacks, I have a hard time getting engaged and producing my best work. Sometimes I get anxious if I don’t feel that I’m grasping a lot of the value. That there’s still more to be unearthed.  Sometimes I’m hesitant and sometimes I go with the instinct to delve deeper- the results yielding bad and good for both. Sometimes teachers want me looking for more and other times they think I’m thinking too much and I get too far ahead of myself in accordance with the relevance to the material being taught.

What I’m basically asking you is am doing alright in your class? Should I be looking deeper? Where can I improve? As a student who is looking to learn as much as he can from the guiding hand of the teacher, is there anything I can do better or should be looking to refine? Should I reevaluate my approach? Do you have a challenging recommendation?  I’m looking for anything that would motivate or inspire some additional growth. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

Article on Genius’s that were labeled “Learning Disabled” (LD)
HIM:
These 3 LD scientists that this study researches are pretty amazing.

The number of papers that Bohr contributed to scientific journals is approximately 200 (Pais, 1991). His first scientific paper was published in 1909 at age 24. His last scientific paper was published in 1961 when he was 76 years old. Therefore, Bohr continued his creative scientific work for 52 years with the number of papers averaging approximately 3.85 per year (see Table 4).

According to Segre (1970), Fermi contributed 268 scientific papers, publishing his first paper in 1921 when he was 20.
his average number of papers per year is 8.12.

ME:
LD’s are not Disabled. It is a gift that the world cannot tame for its own use. LD’s work for themselves, motivated by their own desires. In this way they are more gifted.

you see what i’m saying?
we are not lab rats or kids who sit in cubicles or at their desks plugging someone else’s numbers without asking why. if the why? doesn’t exist in our minds we do not yield. In my opinion this is better. Only after we realize the intrinsic value do we delve into our vast reservoirs of untapped potential and creative genius.

What I liked the most was the Wisdom aspect. I like that. I would go on but it says it pretty clear about the advantages. LD’s intellect tends  to be fueled by a wiser motivation. Not for thier own pursuit as much as for the good of man as a whole. I like that. and i can relate.

HIM:
I think depending on what context you look at an LD it can be considered a disability, only because it can be a disadvantage(I think you know I’m talking about certain aspects of school here, especially when we were younger).  For the most part i.e later on in life, I would fully agree with you.  It’s obvious to me the advantages to be had from looking at the world and its problems from a different perspective.  If people could only see the world in one collective way disaster would be sure to ensue.

Do you think your motivations for gaining knowledge is for the greater good, or for your own personal gain?  For me it brings up interesting self-reflective type questions.

ME:

It depends on how you look at disability.
 Dis- ability:
 Dis-
   1. Not: disjugate.
   2. Absence of; opposite of: disorientation.
   3. Undo; do the opposite of: dislocate.
   4. Deprive of; remove: dismember.

Ability-
1.Power or capacity to do or act physically, mentally, legally, morally, financially, etc.
2. Competence in an activity or occupation because of one’s skill, training, or other qualification: the ability to sing well.
3. Abilities, talents; special skills or aptitudes: Composing music is beyond his abilities.

I think if you look at disability in a definitive sense it is very discouraging and condemning. It connotes that you ‘lack the competency’ or are ‘deprived of the power to do an act’.
I disagree with this. 

Tell me… do you believe this…

Are you…….?
1. Crippled; injured; incapacitated
2. persons who are crippled, injured, or incapacitated
1. Inoperative: a disabled vehicle
2. Impaired, as in physical functioning: a disabled veteran
 1. To deprive of capability or effectiveness, especially to impair the physical abilities of.
 2. Law To render legally disqualified.

Do you believe that you are indeed disable?

It’s almost hard to differentiate between Disabled and Incapable
Incapable:

1.  
1. Lacking the necessary ability, capacity, or power: incapable of carrying a tune; incapable of love.
2. Unable to perform adequately; incompetent: an incapable administrator.
2. Usage Problem Not susceptible to action or treatment: a unique feat, incapable of duplication.
3. Law Lacking legal qualifications or requirements; ineligible.

I don’t see any chance for anyone to succeed if they think they are disabled… let alone learning disabled..
I think it’s personality. I think is learning style. I hate the usage of… “learning disable”.. .may as well say we are “Learning crippled” or ” learning incapacitated” or “learning deprived” or ” Ineffective learners” nope. like that article proves….. You can be a genius… maybe ecclectic and unconventional.. to the worlds standards… but fuck the world. succeed on your own account and desires

I believe everyone is able… and what we need to develop is a need to exhibit these abilities.
As an LD (ADHD, Dyslexic)…we can do all things. We are capable. Just because we haven’t done the act to date doesn’t mean we are not capable. And if we haven’t been able to apply them consistently it simply means, in my eye, we haven’t yet. The bigger question is why haven’t you applied them.. or tried to.  You may have the ability but you may not know how to apply it. And that simply means that you need to figure out how to more consistently.. but more importantly find a reason why you should. That’s when I feel it will come more easily.

School sits uneasy with me cause they have expectation and when we don’t meet them when they say- boom. F. F is a reflection of your ability. no its not. Maybe you are capable of A+’s but the relevance to the course or significance to you is zilch so learning and applying the material or act alludes you’re grasp.

If you look at it from the another, maybe traditional sense, you can’t do something but you need to develop a skill. Maybe that’s the way you see it. New skills. But you will never develop new skills if you don’t see a why- and you will never develop a why is you don’t think you can. if you think you are “absense of the power to do an act” or you are ‘deprived of competency’…

You see how that talk is so self defeating?
Saying we have a disability is still the same to me as saying we are Fucked. Giving us medication or putting kids into special learning classrooms is like giving a cripple crutches or a wheelchair.  A quadriplegic is disabled. (even that is debatable- we see them walk after paralyzation all the time) but….NOT a dyslexic. NOT an ADHD student. Disability tells us we are doomed. We talked about what is a genius? who decides? what is smart? what is able? psychologically thats a tough thing to really come up with. how do you measure ambition, motivation, willpower?

When we talk about mental abilities I don’t think of it as a physical disability like many psychiatric’s do. I see it as a lack of knowledge. A lack of self- understanding. When we understand we can do all things.. and put our faith in the fact we can indeed do all things… we will succeed. Where does the strength in such a faith come in? to me God. He provides that.  Maybe for others they will try other things. Faith in themselves. in goals. In ideals, principles, values etc., maybe it works maybe they will keep trying other things. but you need to find why.

Our experiences and our personality (personal tendencies) shape the way we see the world. I don’t thing biological mechanisms and functions have too much of an effect. That places control outside of you. I don’t think that’s correct.
Just because you don’t know how to steer a  sail boat doesn’t mean you are destined to be a victim of the wind. You need to have the willpower and the why to decide where you want to go so you can decide what resources can be used to overcome factors and challenges so you can educate and develop an understanding to get you there.  So you can teach yourself through trial and error (or get advice from others) on how to steer it. They you will go far places. The better you get at controlling the boat the better you will succeed. It’s possible to do amazing things and go places even the wind wasn’t blowing… it takes longer and it requires more will power and faith and strength and knowhow but it’s possible.

I personally want to help people. The world. I want to contribute.
I realize though I was born to realize my potential and capabilities. By investing time in myself and my development I can better accomplish my undertakings and serve the needs of others. If i know how forage but there is a need for a farmer… what use am i? I need to learn how to farm. What use is anyone without the abilities to contribute to the needs of others? I think there is a great satisfaction that comes from accomplishment and making myself a better more able person. I think even greater is the satisfaction derived when that accomplishment puts other in a better place.  I want to make the world a better place for the most amount of people. I need to be confident and able in order to do that.

No rewards for myself would satisfy me if I didn’t have the company of others to enjoy them with.

It’s not how much you know. It’s not how many books you’ve read, how much schooling you’ve attended, how many big words or definitions you know.
 Its what you know or when to use the what.
It’s having the right tools for the right job.
Its pointless to carry around all these facts, and figures and assimilations that get you nowhere if you don’t use them or you know how how to use them appropriately to yield the most results for your efforts.

An interesting web-log from a Russian Anarchist:

http://anti-politics.org/feral-faun/

I’ve read that in order to be a writer- A Real Writer- you need to write 1 million words. If I wrote 1,000 words a day for 3 years… I’ll write a little over 1 million words. 1,000 words a day. What is that any way?

A 1,000 words from Emersons: Self- Reliance:::

“

I read the other day some verses written by an eminent painter which were original and not conventional. The soul always hears an admonition in such lines, let the subject be what it may. The sentiment they instil is of more value than any thought they may contain. To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, — that is genius. Speak your latent conviction, and it shall be the universal sense; for the inmost in due time becomes the outmost,—— and our first thought is rendered back to us by the trumpets of the Last Judgment. Familiar as the voice of the mind is to each, the highest merit we ascribe to Moses, Plato, and Milton is, that they set at naught books and traditions, and spoke not what men but what they thought. A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. Great works of art have no more affecting lesson for us than this. They teach us to abide by our spontaneous impression with good-humored inflexibility then most when the whole cry of voices is on the other side. Else, to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another.

There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope.

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius of their age, betraying their perception that the absolutely trustworthy was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but guides, redeemers, and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort, and advancing on Chaos and the Dark.

What pretty oracles nature yields us on this text, in the face and behaviour of children, babes, and even brutes! That divided and rebel mind, that distrust of a sentiment because our arithmetic has computed the strength and means opposed to our purpose, these have not. Their mind being whole, their eye is as yet unconquered, and when we look in their faces, we are disconcerted. Infancy conforms to nobody: all conform to it, so that one babe commonly makes four or five out of the adults who prattle and play to it. So God has armed youth and puberty and manhood no less with its own piquancy and charm, and made it enviable and gracious and its claims not to be put by, if it will stand by itself. Do not think the youth has no force, because he cannot speak to you and me. Hark! in the next room his voice is sufficiently clear and emphatic. It seems he knows how to speak to his contemporaries. Bashful or bold, then, he will know how to make us seniors very unnecessary.

The nonchalance of boys who are sure of a dinner, and would disdain as much as a lord to do or say aught to conciliate one, is the healthy attitude of human nature. A boy is in the parlour what the pit is in the playhouse; independent, irresponsible, looking out from his corner on such people and facts as pass by, he tries and sentences them on their merits, in the swift, summary way of boys, as good, bad, interesting, silly, eloquent, troublesome. He cumbers himself never about consequences, about interests: he gives an independent, genuine verdict. You must court him: he does not court you. But the man is, as it were, clapped into jail by his consciousness. As soon as he has once acted or spoken with eclat, he is a committed person, watched by the sympathy or the hatred of hundreds, whose affections must now enter into his account. There is no Lethe for this. Ah, that he could pass again into his neutrality! Who can thus avoid all pledges, and having observed, observe again from the same unaffected, unbiased, unbribable, unaffrighted innocence, must always be formidable. He would utter opinions on all passing affairs, which being seen to be not private, but necessary, would sink like darts into the ear of men, and put them in fear. “

 

 

 

Thats not too bad.

How do you add value to something? How do you show others that something is valuable? How do you know if your efforts are going to be rewarded? How do you know you are happy? How do you know if you are sure? How do you know? Is there empirical data on things that attention more than others? Can this stuff be proven? Are instincts good or bad? How do we know?

Value. Who decides value? Who decides anything? This looking glass. I’m bored. Life is boring. School is boring. It’s so rudimentary. School is un-stimulating. Give me a challenge. Give me something worth figuring out. I guess I should be able to present and search out these challenges for myself. But then again… how can I -when I need college to get on with life- Have a degree so I can get a job and prove myself to society and the people who’ve read the books who got credit for them. What makes my endearing effort outside of the classroom any less reputable and meaningful? I want to know. I think about all the things I could be doing if there weren’t expectations. If I could set the bar. I wonder about the day I will do that. When I master the system and then say. Fuck the system. It’s a waste. It’s garbage. I recommend the books from yard sales and Amazon and I accept the late charges from the local library as opposed to the thousands of dollars thrown down on an education that certifies that you bought the books and you attended an hour or three a week. Fuck the system. Fuck the people in charge. Fuck the stifling. I want to learn damnit. Not out pace those around me and get reprimanded for it. Fuck them. I am bored. I AM FUCKING BORED. School bores me. I feel that I’m being stifled. I want new information and concepts and principles. I’m not a fuckin genius. but I swear to god I feel like I could be if I didn’t let myself buy into the perceptions that I need to be on pace with those around me. My zest far out weighs their pitiful excuse for effort. I can’t be around them. Their stench and lack of enthusiasm nauseates me. I want fresh challenges. I want NEW. I WANT FUCKING NEW. I want knowledge. I want practical knowledge in my pursuit for perfection. Damnit.

This fuckin system… the one i currently bought into…… i abide to the concept that it builds my character  when I do things I don’t want to do. Yea. That little concept escaped me for the majority of my life. I went from one fad, from one search, from one concept, belief, understanding, obsession, love, passion to the next on a tri monthly basis it seemed. It marked me no further ahead of my peers in the end. I feel better for it. In a sense I feel damn better for it. They haven’t lived. Been a servant of their passions. Only others. They live for the expectations of others. Well I have no own answers. And I fuckin don’t want to waste time figuring out a system made to fix everyone else’s.

BUT. Here I am. A hypocrite. I worked the service industry unfailingly for a year and a half of my life. Unwavering in my discipline for hard work and consistency. I finished high school. I’m in college. And now. I feel. At this moment. Like I am negating my feelings. Those burning passions. Oh… I have but one that has fueled me in this pursuit. It is the passion for LEARNING. Fortunately learning is a passion that burns strongly in the face of understanding wants or needs or not. It burns on in the midst of trial and error. It progresses and never backs down.

And I am learning. I’m learning a lot. A fuckin hell of a lot. A lot of shit that I am lacking the ability to really find the value in. I see its application. It’s so fuckin trivial though. I have answers that are searing in my depths that are freaking out to be explored. But I delay. And I continue on with discipline. Like a programmed idiot. I get rewarded with little gold grades. A+ for effort. That wasn’t effort. That was minimal shit I just produced. I could’ve written a fuckin dissertation and actually learned something of value. Gotten to the bottom of it. But no. we’ll save that for fuckin the PHD students. Man. oh man.

So I spew some toxic relief. I loose focus when I do things that don’t appeal to my passions. I mean. Thank god I’ve got that niche for just learning for the shit’s sake of it. Because I mean…even figuring out a little gets me worked up. I just wish I could get off with some real learning. Some learning with some depth and breadth.

When I’m not stimulated my desire to produce at all drops well below normal and this is seen as a faulty inability to maintain par – par to the ‘rest’. FUCK THE REST. I am above the rest. And each individual is above them. Cause we’re fuckin individuals. I have no sympathy for people who don’t produce efforts that are constructive. I hate myself for it. I need constructive objectives. I’ve looked a lot of my life for things that were deconstructive. The first part of my life I’ve weeded these horrible conceptions-uprooting them, and after gathering some principles and values that produce genuine fruit for the effort, I planted them into my life. Now. I operate with these set of convictions. NEVER wavering. But I feel. I feel- now what I’m about to say isn’t necessarily logical(at first anyways)due to the fact that it is an intuitive feeling- but I feel… that I am doing this whole school thing… and it’s a waste of time. YES. It’s making me a better person. I am recognizing my potential. That’s great. But man. Like I said before. I feel that I’d be far better off searching for my answers without the formal rigidity and pace of society.

You cannot look at a half painted canvas and decide whether the painter has true value, passion, and talent. I am not finished. Hold your comments until all your expectations for greatness are met and exceeded. In the scheme of things you won’t have to wait too long.

yo la tengo

I’m at the pub. Knotted wood tables and their ocherous tones, vaulted ceilings, solid oak benches, the smell of smoked hickory. The hum of conversing voices saturate the warm atmosphere. The TV announcer states the score of the football game. cackling and laughter erupt and subside into the natural hum of things. Books cover the table. A frothy half empty beer to my left.

I have the decision to think whatever I want. To generate any thought I choose. I am not a victim of my surroundings. I am free to choose my thoughts and decide my actions. My habits can be gleaned, new habits can be formed. I can refine myself into a perfect state if given enough time. What is perfect?

1. Conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type:
2. Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement:
3. Exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose:
4. entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings:
5. accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.
6. thorough; complete; utter:
7. pure or unmixed: perfect yellow.
8. unqualified; absolute: He has perfect control over his followers.
9. expert; accomplished; proficient.
10. unmitigated; out-and-out; of an extreme degree: He made a perfect fool of himself.
11. Botany.
a. having all parts or members present.
b. monoclinous.
12. Grammar.
a. noting an action or state brought to a close prior to some temporal point of reference, in contrast to imperfect or incomplete action.
b. designating a tense or other verb formation or construction with such meaning.
13. Music.
a. applied to the consonances of unison, octave, and fifth, as distinguished from those of the third and sixth, which are called imperfect.
b. applied to the intervals, harmonic or melodic, of an octave, fifth, and fourth in their normal form, as opposed to augmented and diminished.
14. Mathematics. (of a set) equal to its set of accumulation points.
15. Obsolete. assured or certain.
–noun Grammar.
16. the perfect tense.
17. a verb form or construction in the perfect tense. Compare future perfect, pluperfect, present perfect.
–verb (used with object)
18. to bring to completion; finish.
19. to bring to perfection; make flawless or faultless.
20. to bring nearer to perfection; improve.
21. to make fully skilled.
22. Printing. to print the reverse of (a printed sheet).

Unfortunately I am only given so much time on this earth. I find it my responsibility to get there as best I can while I’m alive. Wasting no time. Keeping my goals in focus. Choosing them wisely.

The wildness I am referring to is in terms of ‘nature’ and the usual, almost programmed, behavior of things. Man has a tendency to escape this definition due to his ability to exercise behaviors that contradict most basic instincts for survival and the normal essence of self-preservation. This ability is due in part to his imagination. It is the biggest blessing and curse. It causes man to contemplate alternative realities aside from that of basic survival. This imaginative, creative, unrestrained intention to decipher more meaning from basic observations and routine causes man to distort the fundamentals of the basic modes of survival.

Wild is untamed. Although there are stigmatic connotations, wildness is different from being chaotic- in my mind. Wildness is freedom from the restraints of preconceived guidelines or rules. Free from restraints and the tendency to hedge it into a generic pretty box for examination. Wildness in the sense I am referring to it, is outside of any preconceived notions or expectations. It is deliberate. It is intentional. It is manifested through self-preservation. Although man may not see the significance of ‘wild’ behavior, it is only imparted for the desperation of survival. Wildness is the desperate result of organisms thriving to survive. It is the observation of the encoded will within all living things, struggling to survive as they battle with external forces that do their best to suggest otherwise.

Man, on the other hand, who tries to decipher this behavior, misinterprets this wildness for something banal and harmful. Instead of seeing evil as the forces that fight against this will to survive, he mistakes the wildness with evil.

Man has something else to satisfy other than his basic physical needs. Man tries satisfying his spiritual needs. Once mans physical needs are met, he explores additional meaning. He contemplates beyond his needs. He cannot accept the life of being satisfied physically. He searches for other means and answers to survival on an internal, spiritual level.

Any wildness he denotes to his surroundings is a misinterpretation of the struggle of a will to survive on a physical level. When the struggle ceases to exist it is no longer wild, but civilized and tamed. Usually this is at a physical level, and in nature it is always the case as animals lack the comprehension for anything else outside the basic survival needs for food, reproduction and shelter.

The funny thing with man is this. Man still, despite every physical need that is met, thirsts for more. He struggles to survive on some level he cannot figure out. He tries satisfying every physical need until there is little he has to do or think about to exist. Man often becomes a drone, and allows his mind to atrophy as he becomes accustomed to being fed answers and routine. He no longer exerts effort to fill that abysmal void, becoming in essence an animal or sorts.

Deep inside, if he ever dare challenged it, apart from the basic survival needs, there would be the wild will to survive on a level that confuses him. On a plane only recognized as spiritual. Man tries figuring it out by searching for answers, digging deeper and deeper into obsessions, commitments, knowledge, technology, relationships, things, etc., only to come up empty handed. His answers leave him discouraged or unsatisfied. His imagination cannot be quenched. His thirst and hunger to survive on the deepest level of human survival, on the spiritual plane, goes unsatisfied.

Wildness. Mans first instinct is his physical survival. When men are living with the mentality where their number one concern is survival- than they are wild. We see this first hand by examining the aboriginals and natives. Those who have figured out to satisfy these needs with ease look down upon the struggle. We labeled them as wild. They were just lacking knowledge to come up with the means or system that continually provides for their physical needs. Unmet physical needs cause incredible pain. Once that system is discovered or mastered he is not finished or content. This just gives man the opportunity to further refine his understanding as he searches for answers that satisfy that imaginative thirst residing deep below. Man strives to end the pain that resides at a much more internal level, trying to satisfy the spiritual needs in order to stop that internal pain. It’s survival.

Wildness. The definition is man’s attempt to classify anything that struggles to meet its physical needs. Because a knowledgeable way free from that struggle is not observed, it is wild.

Man turns animal’s from wild animals into domesticated pets or livestock. Simply by providing for it’s physical needs does the animal cease to fight. They care for nothing else but for the ease of their survival. They will do anything. Trained pets are an example of this. Livestock for food is another. They give no though to anything but that need being met.

Man is different. And on this quest of survival, it has led him to far exceed any basic survival understanding or mechanism. Man takes the process of easing survival far past basic physical needs into realms of vast understanding of the thing around him. Thinking that by discovering more it will satisfy the burning thirst and longing for more.

It never works that way.

I love life. I am not ashamed of any of my actions. I am transparent. Anything I do or say must complement and reinforce my philosophies. I want goodness. I love being positive. Not positive in the sense of being overwhelmed by emotional jubilee or fanatically ecstatic. I’m talking in the sense that anything is possible. ANYTHING. and I’m not talking about being unrealistic. I mean that: if you want something bad and the desire is strong enough and you set your mind to finish it and accomplish it through unwaivering perseverance and determination, you will be able to see it out until it’s achieved.

I don’t care so much about fame. I want to be influential. I want to be humble and willing. I don’t push for the credit. I am one person and alone I can’t do much. I want the credit to go where it’s deserved. I want to be a leader. Someone who is responsible for holding a worthy vision for those to follow. Something worthwhile and admirable. Fulfilling and satisfying. Maybe challenging, maybe uncomfortable, maybe painful- but rewarding beyond comprehension. I want to share that vision and invigorate the people around me to accomplish those ideals, goals, and successes.

I don’t believe so much in management. Management is showing or telling people what to do and how to do things in order to accomplish. I want to be a leader. Someone who gives people a reason so they are empowered with their own drive and motivation. It becomes something of intrinsic value to them and propels them to grow as a person and overcome anything in thier way. Managers are those raised by society to dictate. Naturally, they don’t foster creativity or freedom. They enforce guidelines and expectations. They were introduced by the system to dictate the wills of others in power.

As a leader you share with people a vision that will benefit anyone involved. Anyone who realizes the significance of this vision is inspired to put energy forth to materialize the ideal. Leaders know the way, show the way, and go the way. Others see the fulfillment involved and they learn whatever they have to to travel down that path. Leaders are steadfast. They are listeners and they care about those around them. They understand pain, struggle, and heartache. They desire and encourage those around them to rise above these trivial experiences that are inevitable and oh so common in life, and to focus on the goal. Focus on the ideal. The elevated vision of what life can be like if you actually did whatever it took to take you from where you are and improve your life. To bring you to a place of accomplishment. To bask in the feelings of achievement. Of overcoming obstacles and challenges that seemed so daunting. But you rose above. The leader accepts the responsibility for instilling that vision accurately in the hearts and minds of those around him and refining it to the precious state it was meant to be. The leader is responsible for sharing it with other. For living it out himself. In the face of adversity. Of judgment. Of negativity. Of criticism. The leader bears the weight of all the doubt and worry. Of all the why-not’s.

I want to be a leader. Leaders don’t have all the answers- BUT… But… they know the people who have the answers and they get them to work together. They know what the goal is- they know what is needed- and they think about the good of those around them. They contribute not for the improvement of short-termed reality- but for the long term wellness of everyone.

I want to be a leader. Someone people can look to who can provide them with comfort and reassurance. Hope and inspiration. I want to be a person who is not at the center of attention. No. I do not want the glory. I do not lavish praise or celebratory cheers. I want to be in the back room thanking God for his strength and love and faithful and blessing. I want to give the credit to the hard work of the people around me. Those who were reliable and faithful to the vision they put their personal time and energy into without knowing it would succeed.

I want to pursue excellence in every task. I know there is a right way to do everything. Knowing I wasn’t born into that way of thinking I find it my responsibility to invest in myself every piece of wisdom and knowledge I could add to my arsenal of understanding in order to achieve my full potential and understanding.

I don’t want knowledge. I want wisdom. Wisdom is knowing when to use what knowledge in order tp produce the best decision that would lead to the best outcome. But even wisdom is useless if its for my own wants and needs. I want to align myself to perfect will. To a perfect plan. Specifically to God’s perfect will and plan. I want to be going in that direction.

Wisdom:
#1 The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight.
#2 Common sense; good judgment: “It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things”

Knowledge:
1. Acquaintance with facts, truths, or principles, as from study or investigation; general erudition: knowledge of many things.
2. Familiarity or conversance, as with a particular subject or branch of learning: A knowledge of accounting was necessary for the job.
3. Acquaintance or familiarity gained by sight, experience, or report: a knowledge of human nature.

Leaders.
I want to pave that path. Go into the unknown. Envision what ‘can be’ through the application of right principles and unchanging values. And have faith that these things will bring me to a better place. and they will. Right truths, values and principles.

I want to learn them. They will help me make decisions that will benefit anyone and everyone I come in contact with.

Jensen’s view on hope is totally shortsighted and unfounded. I think he degrades one of the most important qualities of life by downplaying the significance of hope. Even more so is his stance that it is indeed a negative thing. Hope? How do we live without hope? I understand where he is coming from, but it’s an unintelligent, ignorant stance. I agree that people at times rely solely on hope like its luck. Like hoping and wishing and waiting will change anything. I understand people step out of responsibility and discard accountability in the name of hoping. But hope is made an effigy, something pure that shouldn’t be tainted.

Hope is a pure thing. Hope is this:
When you understand the positive principles and values in life, by your own experience or through the experiences of others, you can accurately predict the outcomes of these positive sustained efforts. Hope is that one day you will see that you’re efforts will be rewarded like you know they should be. Because, like a seed that you water and prune every day of your life as you toil in the elements, anything positive towards a worthy ideal or cause will bring forth fruit, or desired results.

Hope is that prediction. Faith is a separate animal. Faith is seeing without believing. Faith is on a larger scale, a more profound philosophy than hope. You might say one cannot have hope without faith, but then again you cannot have faith and not have hope. Hope reliance, or understanding, or predicting the outcomes of applied principles towards a worthy ideal. Hope in intangible, residing inherently in the heart of a man. Man without hope is dead. The walking dead.

Saying that hope inhibits action is pinning the accountability to the wrong sinner. To say that hope is something that enables man and his destruction to continue is short sighted and I wouldn’t give the notion the man stated any more of a thought.

Hope springs out of accepting responsibility. When you realize your responsibility and the effect, cause, or change you can have towards your intent or desire, you will be empowered. No hope simply disregards the reality of future fruits of your efforts.

There is also false hope. False hope is just as negative that not having hope at all. t’s just what it says. Its false. It’s a lie. It is not recognizing the situation or the reality and lying to yourself to get by. Once again this is an attempt to escape responsibility

Fate? Fate is the belief that what is is, and what will be will be and nothing we can do or say will make any difference. Fate is placing the responsibility of your life to outside, external circumstances and stimulus. No. I do not believe in fate. Fate is another word for destiny. Is it not? And destiny, at its root, means destination. (destin-). We choose our destiny whether we decide to give it thought or not. For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. You choose your actions because of free will and free choice. Our imagination allows us to envision where our collective efforts will lead us: to predict our actions. To think otherwise is simply trying to escape accountability and responsibility. When we realize the freedom to act one our individual desires, wants, needs, only then can be begin to truly live life for ourselves. People fail to do this when they conform. 90% of the people in this world are followers. They are unimaginative and drifting past the possibilities and opportunities that pierce the heart and transcend human experience.

I hated school ever since I was young.

I want something so eye catching is spurs everyone to believe. Everyone to partake. I want a life so full of curiosity and answers, joy and adventure that everyone wants apart of it. I want something that everyone wants. I want to have that. I want to be envied. To have people fight over that dream. I want everyone, no matter if they want it or not, to feel something when they talk to me, when they see my life, my actions. I want them to feel a certain something. Even as my hands travel over this electric plastic machine I call a computer. I am translating my feelings without a thought to an interface that records my animate feelings. I am so far removed from any of this electric stimulus. I wish I could capture your heart. If you were here right now I would. I would touch your face. I would look deep in your ryes. And I would mouth those words. No matter. I am slightly bruised. Definitely intoxicated and all I find myself wondering is what will tomorrow bring. I’ll go to sleep tonight peacefully, open a book before I drift, and read the words of Rousseau. Sick and lost. Just like all the rest. All the writers. All the philosophers. They are lost and drifting. An assimilation of their remote, narrowed experiences. Sleep with that man. He makes you feel that way. He makes you wet. That’s not genuine. That’s not becoming. He’s intelligent. That’s bullshit. He’s a senile atheist just like you. Which is why you warm so closely…. I ramble and ramble and ramble and