life – Page 2 – William Dare

Alive

I feel alive. It’s the first time in a long while. Usually I endure the suffocation. The demands. The routine pressures. As soon as I give a big fuck you to the world, to the expectations, to the voices; it suddenly melts away. It dissolves into clarity. I become light, my chest fills with substance and the aching void is replaced with pouring rhythm.

What it is to ‘be’. Its not doing. Its not pleasing people. Its not succumbing to everything out there. Its a defiant, oppositional rejection to it all. Perhaps its the fear that melts away? The fear of not sufficing, of not doing enough, maintaining enough. The fear of rejection. The fear of being no good. These forces worm their roots into my core and choke my sense of self. They fester and grow, feeding off my ability to be and act. It desiccates potential, leaving it shriveled and withered. I say no. I would rather die, rather blow off my head and choke my life of consciousness than live a mediocre life of struggle. I would do anything so long as my being could breath again. When the ultimatum hangs between ending your life, or ending the angst, the answers don’t seem so allusive. It becomes a simple decision of action. A courageous act of anger. Anger towards everything that’s been weighing you down.

No longer will my breath be bated with apprehension and insecurities. Death, or life. Chains, or freedom. So much of my life I prey on self-deception to rid it from its burrows; but its insidious contrivances slither beneath awareness and latch hold ever so gently. At times, it seems to be a comfort, this angst. It plants itself and soon becomes a deceptive constant. Over time it slowly coils and constricts the spirit until I awake disoriented and lost. The spirit and its zest for life, the simple pleasures of being, seem to have taken flight, and I am left deserted. A relativity takes hold and an indifference spreads over me. I become weightless, ungrounded.

Being real- whatever real is- seems to be the only salvation. It requires an intense gaze into these abysmally vacant depths. You must stare and search with a righteous anger and bitterness and resentment. You must find these gnarling roots, and hack deep. Confront the demons, the self-judgement, the doubt. Stare hard. Get angry and defiant. Defy anything that is keeping you from the now.

You can be no more than you are, and who you are is not who you will be. Decide to be. Whatever is holding you back must be uncovered and exposed. It has no power when you bring it to the surface. It loses its substance and dissolves into oblivion. The battle is daily. Either life is a burden, or it is no burden at all. Lose the burden.

Languor

Every once and awhile I find myself pouring over old journal entries. Juvenile musings. They actually inspire me. I was so… naive? Yet, genuine. I spoke with subtle vulnerability. I was open, the world was open. Earth and all its greenery wasn’t tainted by the shadows of worldly criticism. It thrived on pure joy. I can’t say whether these joys were derived from girls, friends, drugs, rebellion, music, adventure, or some other delusional teenage romance. What I can say is that I spoke with brutal honesty. I didn’t hide my devilish joy, or embarrassing hurt. I threw it out there.

Nashville is beautiful. Its slowly transitioning its way to fall. The night brings a cool chill with it. Pretty different from the summer sauna.

I always fantasize about freedom. Freedom is a state of mind. It is inside your being. I judge too much. My self; others. It’s in the name of reason, of truth and justice, but it erodes the value. It ruins the essence by peeling a wonderfully true experience into a fraying cognitive conundrum. It renders the experience useless. It wears it out. Its magic dissolves.

I don’t want to think anymore. I want to be. I want to exist moment by moment, feeling by feeling. I want to explode outward like a dazzling display of fireworks and illuminate the world with my sparkling embers.

I will hold no grudge with myself; nor will I hold a grudge with others. I must remember that when I judge, I am condemning myself. I am holding myself to one more impossible standard. My only standard should be to live loudly. Be boldly.

School’s going alright. I haven’t applied myself at all really. Not sure what the consequences of my lack of discipline will be, but I don’t seem to care too much. I’ve been doing my best to get real with myself, to shed the bullshit facades. Self deception, in all its vapid power, has an insidious nature. “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” (Nietzsche) It stole into my life and left me paralyzed; wholly entranced with its emptiness. Analysis paralysis. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t give a shit. It doesn’t mean that I won’t face my demands with a fierce resolution. It just means that I won’t reserve any energy for condemning myself or others. I refuse to hold myself to standards. Standards only stifle potential. They cap it. They put limits on something that operates in a world beyond definable limits.

I love my friends. One specifically comes to mind: Ravi. Half italian, half indian, he’s one of the most genuine people I’ve met. The real deal. There’s nothing opaque about his intentions. They are out there for general review, and he’s ok with that.

Lifes good. I am defiant at the moment, and I’ll continue being defiant. Either existence is a heavy burden, or it is no burden at all.

quandary

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering. ~St. Augustine

I need problems in my life. I mustn’t think that I’ve got it figured out, or that my current path or methods are best. I need to recognize dilemmas and confront problems that don’t seem so obvious.

I realized that, when I am happy, I become content. Not that I cannot become content with certain pursuits, but it seems that my zest for certain pursuits begins to dwindle when happiness and contentment come over me.

Girlfriends really are draining. I often think that I will be single for the rest of my life. In my mind there is a women that is without maintenance, without upkeep. She doesn’t rely on my efforts to make her happy, nor does she seek them out.

My life recently…

I’ve had this girlfriend for some time now…. a couple months. Early on I perceived some emotional baggage, potential issues that may pose as problems later on in the relationship, but I overlooked them with an optimistic eye. I had hoped that these issues would soon allay as our bonds deepened for one another. I’m not sure that happened and I’m sorta done with exercising patience. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness. If I make you sad because you expected differently from me, because I didn’t make you happy, or I failed to cuddle, or I lacked affection a few nights in a row, then I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with you. Too much pressure. I’m in the opinion that my happiness comes from within, despite circumstances, despite the emotional investment.

The bottom line is that I really don’t want to be with this person. Primarily because I am not attracted to who this person thinks she is. I am attracted to someone else… someone she could be. Unfortunately she doesn’t see that person, and I don’t have the patience for it. Her critical attitude, complaining and low self esteem do not bring me up, nor do they make her any more attractive to me. Instead, they reaffirm negative perceptions and draw criticism into my thoughts. I don’t want to spend time with someone who isn’t capable of seeing the best in the world, in others, or in themselves.

I recognize that this comes off as hypocritical. I should see the best in her, and I do, but her attitude has an insidious grip on my state of being, on my mood. It saps my energy and doesn’t leave me in a better place. I’d much rather devote my time and energy to someone who is earnestly searching for the best in themselves and outside themselves. Maybe I’m suppose to lead this girl there… but I just haven’t the patience.

****

Work is good… and when I say good, I mean monotonous and boring. However, it allows me to cognize and discuss thoughts with my fellow interns. I always have something on my mind.

*****

I’ve been reading a great deal about the negative impact on computers and the internet and the positive impacts of books recently.

I need chaos in my life. Homeostasis must NEVER be reached. I must always throw off the balance, perceived or real, and approach life as a crisis to be solved. Only in this way does life become meaningful and challenging. What life is there for me at the moment? Working, interning, cultivating future aspirations and networking ties. I am bleeding my critical thinking and creative insights dry on a daily basis. There is no intellectual stimulation within my routine.

The occasional news article, or chapter from a book, but nothing substantial to dwell on. No problems that need solving. I should learn economics more fully. I should read Bertrand Russell and William James, and master logic and prose and poetry and painting. Why don’t I?

I don’t want a girlfriend. This girl has sapped my attention, my free time, or what little free time I’ve had. And for what? Emotional pleasure? Ephemeral gratification? I would like my energy expenditures to be more rewarding. What is a relationship that yields pleasure, but no great intellectual, or emotional, insights? Where is her curiosity? Ugh. I’m done with it. I’ve decided now, in this moment.

I need to journal more. I’ve had little time to myself, and I should have all the time in the world. Summer is the occasion for personal development, for the cultivation of internal growth. Working out, getting fit, is wonderful and all, but the mind must find similar attention and stimulation.

I’ve been frustrated recently. I should journal out all these thoughts, all the daily occurrences. I will… everyday. Starting today. Night.

numinous.

I have a tendency to sound sententious. Forgive me.

My generation, and all those proceeding mine, have me embarrassed. I have been born into a time and place where people are no longer hungry to survive, nor are they hungry to thrive. The great majority of my peers are no longer hungry. What scintilla of hunger remains is reserved for idleness. They are pathetic, passive, consumers, hungry for leisure and ease.

Daily I delve into a commotion circulating society, void of zest, void of passion, void of purpose.

Advertising, academics , entertainment, all woo the willful intellect into a lullaby, a deep slumbering recant.

Our lives are not our own. We have lost ourselves, our traditions, our roots, our history and heritage, to the media, to the experts. We are no longer fit to brave life’s excursions without a guiding figure. Uncharted territories exist in a space beyond us and our imagination. We are not fit for such adventure. So we suspend the will to live, forfeit the alms for something greater. Where bridges would be, we spend our lives building walls and cling to our emaciated dreams.

There is no personal history, no family, no origin. We are nationals, Americans, raised by television, the Internet, our schools, our jobs. Starved of new light, our conscience shirks in the penumbra. We are drones.

How do you wake up a nation cultivating and perpetuating its own poison? How do you lay claim to an intellect defined: circumscribed and standardized. What is will? what is freedom? Notions lost to the strong and gifted, a chance missed by all but a few.

In a word, Emerson said ‘A man is what he thinks about all day long.’

Given this description, what state do we find ourselves?

I talk to young minds who have never developed the ability to question. They never ask whether they are on the right path, whether their beliefs are toxic delusions, whether their behaviors and habits will reap negative consequences, or consequences at all.

What becomes of a man who does the minimum in school to get by, who watches TV in his free time, who absorbs societies prescriptions for his health, wealth, future, happiness? Four hours of TV a day? Six hours of TV? Never mind the trash, the propaganda, celebrated on television as glorified miscreants who are impoverished in spirit. Hours of mindless internet surfing? Playing mindless video-games that envelope the consciousness, sucking its attention into a digital world of no consequence?

What will become of our future leaders? Who will follow them? The zombie fascination is a prescient of our future condition.

TV, Mass media, even the beloved science community, has led us to believe a lie. Everywhere we move but rarely do we progress. We adorn our external lives with material fixtures that fade with the fads. Never to do we exercise reflection to look within, to ratiocinate about the barren pallid walls of our world, home to the human spirit, private to us. Instead we chain ourselves to the flux of the masses, the appeal and approval, and overlook the function, the utility of our laboring aims.

Time has become an inconvenience, not because we have so little time, but because we have too much.

I despise the corpulence, the venery, the stolid and dull, all foibles born out of the American malaise.

We need to grow radical. We need to act now, but within. Our fight should exist internally and should be waged endlessly in the name of freedom and imagination, of humanity.

Finale done.

And summer has begun. I just finished sending my last four essays. Total relief to be done.

Finals week is always so taxing. It’s incredible how much pressure you experience your last two weeks of school. The culmination of a semesters worth of effort is hinged on your last week of performance.

I have an atrocious amount of laundry that needs to get done. That’s priority number one. Followed by a thorough cleaning of my room. This involves vacuuming, a good dusting, and organizing all the course materials strewn about everywhere. If I didn’t live here, I’d be pretty appalled by my standards.

This semester… geeze. It’s probably… no, definitely, my most disappointing semester in college. Instead of focusing on academics I let myself get carried away with ephemeral indulgences. I failed to practice the discipline and self control that characterized my studies the past two and a half years. Why? Well.. no excuses really. I decided to get more social, something I knew would jeopardize my focus and, in turn, my studies. I did though. Am I better because of it? Not to my standards. Do I feel any better about myself? Not at all. So why? Eh..

I let myself buy into the idea that social life provides life with a richness. And it does, in the moment. And thats what I don’t like. These social investments are temporary ‘feel good’ exposures. From prior experience, I know they aren’t lasting. I think this is something that I really need to focus on absorbing. My whole life I’ve watched as I’ve poured myself into relationships, deep and wide, and ultimately watch them fade away as I moved on in life both literally and figuratively. In the end I come back to realizing that my energies could have been more wisely allocated in academics, thoughtful reflection, writing, reading, planning, hobbies, or other pursuits of personal development.

But I also recognize that a social life is necessary. The distinction between the social life I’m inclined to partake in and the social life I should partake in has to do with the type of socializing I do. Destructive or mindless activities such as heavy drinking, promiscuous encounters, or superficial antics to gain approval should have no place in a life with a purpose- assuming that purpose doesn’t entail the aforementioned. The kind of social activities and friends I should be entertaining should directly support the means to my ends. This means quality people involving quality conversations partaking in quality activities. These activities should have purpose and direction towards a higher chief aim.

I suppose this goes back to the maxim that if you value your self, then you value your time, and when you value your time, only then do you make the best use of it. Seeking self affirmation from others through mindless social interactions is an indication that your entire self worth isn’t fully recognized by you. As a result, we seek it from other people. Shame on us.

I love people, I truly do. They are my passion. Or actually, my passion is exploring life with people, engaging in critical debates and adventures that yield invaluable lessons and insights and experiences. Anyway…

Hm… what to do.

I guess I don’t have much else on my mind at the moment. I should start cleaning.

My morning.

I will journal.

Today was fine. Funny word to describe a day.

We all live in these gardens, menageries of wonder. Behind every smile, every inquisitive eye, every coy and daring gesture, there is a world in need of exploration. This is why I love people. Why do we run from these worlds? We should embrace people. (Of course these worlds are gated; many have high walls. I believe, and curiosity would agree, that every wall should be scaled.)
Continue reading “My morning.”

Puerile feelings.

Its 221am. I was sitting here the past few hours thinking about how I need to update my journal. Semester 1 is over. 5 more to go- and I’m excited.

I was thinking how I need to journal more. I was also thinking that my mind has flat-lined. Not too much to think about or reflect on. The past week I have been vegetating, quite literally. Sleeping 15 hours a day and waking around dusk to lounge around or go out to the wee hours of the morn, indulging in bacchanal mischief. This is the mode I contract when I come home. Not sure why this is the case. I always tell myself great things I’ll do- read several books for pleasure, workout like a maniac, continue writing my book… But when I enter through the door of my house, all my ambition flutters away and I’m left feeling completely listless and apathetic. Dunno why. I mean… wait… nope. dunno.

So i was pretty upset that I didn’t have anything at all to write about… so I was fumbling around on facebook and lookin through photos and stumbled on one of my “ex’s”. A surge of perverted feelings ran over me. First, and she’d kill me if she heard me say this, I never considered her a girlfriend. More like a comforting fuck buddy. She was needy for some love, and so was I. Not much else too it. I went for over two years without a girlfriend, hooking up with random girls along the way. i needed intimacy, no matter how shallow. And the truth is, I wanna care, I wanna give my feelings and heart, but its near impossible. I don’t think I am ready at this point in my life.

My ex girlfriends aid as a poignant reminder of these perverse feelings. When I am with them, I look at them as temporary artifices in my life. They come and go, and if you put too much in, they take too much when they leave. So I stay cool and stolid and emotionally reserved, acting on passions derived from sexual urges when the women demand it. Otherwise I am an empty vessel and they are emotionally needy women.

Anyway… so I transferred schools and my ex stayed in bfe. The people around her are, in my opinion, and my opinion is extremely critical, degenerates. She was real broken up when I left, endlessly crying and calling and doing her all to stay in touch and kindle the romance and intimacy… and I…I expected it to end from day one. As a result, I was fully insulated from feeling any tenderness of the heart. No voids here. Wam bam thankyou maam.

I admit this is absolutely horrible and I will say that I don’t hold this perspective all the time. At the moment I’m feeling pretty unaffected.

So ex girlfriends. I am actually repulsed by the vast majority of them. What repulses me most are the types of guys they go after. You’d think that as an ex I’d get jealous, but just the opposite happens. I think to myself “I thought these girls had better taste/standards”. And you know, that’s really harsh on the guys. I’m sure they’re all great and stuff… but I look at them and go… ‘those dudes are losers not goin anywhere.’ And then I look at my exgirlfriend and think ‘and I dated a girl who is ok with that?’. and then I feel repulsed and never want to associate with them again.

Of course, they think i’m a huge asshole. or insensitive. which is, probably, true.

I also can’t stand thinking about some nasty new boyfriend fuckin that same girl. I, obviously, consider myself a fine specimen, especially so in bed. And these guys? psh. makes me a tad ill inside.

In the back of my mind, whenever I break up with a girl, I tell myself “That girl was great. Real great. Maybe down the road I’ll realize how great she was and we could have a future together.” But after seeing them with a new dude… 95% of the time whom i consider a huge step down, I just wanna vomit and sanitize my genitals.

Anyway…point being is- fml.

i need shit to do. Tomorrow… beach day. My sleep schedule is FUDGED. and my bank account: PURGED. broke as a joke. Christmas is great, but we may as well save our money and splurge on ourselves once a year. I got an IPhone. (<-not sure if I should put an exclamation or not).

Gosh… lots more to say but shoot… its 251am. night.

Wk nd.

Its three in the morning. I have class at 9.

What did I do this weekend? The usual fraternization.

Do I have anything interesting to say? I’m reading Nietzsche. He’s a lil crazy.

Tomorrow I hope to learn if I’m understanding all his abstractions. Nietzsche disorients you and leads you at the same time. This week is going to be extremely busy. I have homecoming Thurs-Sun. Quake is on Thursday… Asher Roth, Pitbull and OAR are playing. In addition to the homecoming game and drinking festivities, the policy debate team is hosting a tournament from friday to sunday. This is extremely inconvenient. Because we’re hosting, I have to help staff. This means that I won’t be able to get drunkie and tailgate and go to the Vandy/UG game. ALSO- my best friend is coming to visit me. He graduated in may with a geography degree… has no idea what he’s doing with life… so he decided to take a road trip. with another buddy. He’ll be pitstopping that weekend. gosh. what a crappy time to host a debate tournament.

Anyway… I don’t have anything poetic or interesting on my mind at the moment. I need to be more creative. night.

Doctored.

I visited the doctor this afternoon. The psychiatrist.

We met for roughly an hour.

He was a gentlemen in his early fifties with an opinionated air to him. Dr. Chris White I believe. Approachable and easygoing, but always ready with a response.

I sat down in his office and, for the first time really, I began to consider why I chose to make this appointment. The obvious answer was medication for my distractability… a crutch to aid my attention. But as I sat there, I realized that simply handing over some IQ tests and explaining that I thought I was a candidate for medication wasn’t going to convince him to write a script.

Since I’ve come from a long history of psychiatric therapy and evaluations, I began weighing my options: I could manipulate him and play the role I knew would satisfy his clinical diagnostics, or I could be straightforward, transparent and honest about my history. I decided in a split second decision to let him into my life.

This is not without risk, however. I am painfully aware of a psychiatric system that is inherently flawed. It approaches humans as simply a sac of DNA that secretes neurotransmitters that contribute to our personality and mood. I disown this philosophy. Obviously they are aware of environmental and nurture factors, but genetics take center stage when chemical therapy is sought as the solution. I also knew how dangerous it is when doctors label you with these mental disorders. The reasons might be far removed from the reality, but they hold the MD so they decide. Its actually scary when you lose your rights and the ability to advocate for yourself because they told you what and who you are.

Anyway… I decided that I was safe at this point in my life. I had gone years without any sort of depressive relapse… or any severe mental relapse for that matter. I continue to succeed and am mentally at peace with myself and the world that I create using my thoughts. (Attribution theory and explanatory style is my modus operandi).

So I began… the story of my life… told soo many times. Starting with first grade… mentioning the suicides, the thirteen moves, the six elementary schools, two middle schools, and three high schools… along with my stint in home school. I went over my psychiatric history with doctors and over all the diagnosis I was labeled, and the medications I was prescribed. I talked about the oppressive and destructive relationship I held with my parents growing up. Then we got into a little of my most recent history with my revelations about life… my turnaround. Then we proceeded to recap in detail all the events… mutilation, suicide pacts, overdoses, substance abuse, moves and transitions, etc.

After an hour all we got through till about my senior year than had to call it. He told me to set up an appt in two days… and to bring back additional ADD testing… and if I was up for it any of my past medical history and documentation(and I’m probably not… cause I’d rather not having too much of this crap on a file… insurance reasons etc).

The doctor was an uppity doctor. He definitely exuded an air that said “I’ve got it figured out”. Throughout my retelling he would interject with an explanation as to why something turned out that way… sometimes I corrected him with additional information and my own explanation and he would appear thoughtful and say ‘Interesting”… other times I just nodded and agreed…mostly to boost his ego and build an receptive relationship. I’ve heard so much of their explanations that I could practically be a psychologist.

The whole time I was telling this story I was trying to imagine what exactly he must be thinking. I mean, if you heard my story you would think that I was clinically insane. Based on my adolescent history, there is no logical reason why I made it out of all that with my mind and emotions still intact. He was asking me if I was bipolar, depressed, or suffered any of that stuff… I stolidly replied no. Not in the slightest. I could tell he wasn’t convinced… he was fighting to believe it.

He was like… “its important that we talk about all this so I can help you… so if you have another depressive relapse I can set you up with the right doctors and get you help.”[sic]

My reaction was like… um… that is the farthest thing I could ever imagine. No way could I go back to that place. He, of course, reminded me that those with depression have a 50% chance of relapse. Although I didn’t say it, I was thinking “… that is impossible. I choose my world… it does not choose me.”. In the end I had to agree with him… i mean… there is a statistical chance that my whole family is tortured and dies a horrible death, and I am forced to watch, and I have to bear that burden for the rest of my life…. and even then I still believe I’d make it out alive. Other than that, I am not a victim of circumstance, my world, my past, my feelings. I choose thoughts… and they make up my world.

Anyway… It was sorta funny. He was extremely fascinated with my whole story… often pondering after one of my responses to his questions and responding with “Let me be selfish for a moment… and when I say selfish, I say that as a joke really, but let me be selfish and ask you a question…” and he’d ask some question to satisfy he personal curiosity.

I won’t lie, the last doctor I saw about medication simply wrote me a script 15 minutes after I introduced myself and told her my academic history with ADD. Probably illegal, or unethical, but I was happy. Expedient drugging.

Dr. White told me at the outset that pretty rigorous ADD testing is done to protect the phenotype…. or people who have are legitimately disposed to ADD. I was fine with that.

My Life Mood

1. 1836

I have just returned from a party of which I was the life and soul; witty banter flowed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me– but I came away, indeed that dash should be as long as the radii of the earth’s orbit——— wanting to shoot myself.

Soren Kirkegaard

knowise

I’ve been mentally drained lately. I slept 15 hours yesterday… took a 4 hour nap today. I’ve been putting off all stress and shrinking from all academic pressure. I feel so confused. Confused in the sense that I’m at a loss. For words; for thoughts; for novel ideas. I feel empty. Like I’m lacking the necessary fuel to push me along. The fuel that helps me deduce my world and come to viable conclusions. I feel that all the knowledge I’ve gone out of my way to accumulate means nothing. Other times I feel that this isn’t the case. The optimistic side of me starts to speak up, telling me that everything I take into my senses, if I really took it in and it meant something to me, is still in there. Its in my brain somewhere, just waiting to come out. I just need the right stimulation. The right environment, or challenging problem to rub me the right way so my neurons can fire off and recall all that ‘knowledge’. I don’t know why I get so caught up in knowledge. I want wisdom. Knowledge comes and goes. Wisdom is what makes this world keep going. Its what to do with knowledge. Knowledge is just about equivalent with information. Its just stuff to recall and do. Wisdom. For some reason it rings divine. I feel that wisdom inspires and magnetizes. It draws people in and points you in the right direction. Its apart of your character.

*****

Need to go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. I can feel the pressures of life… i feel like they’re beating on the windows of reality. I can hear them far off in the distance, like a roaring zombie mob. I just ignore it. I feel so cool. Collected. Calm. I know that I will be great. I need to push on. I feel reinvigorated. Life is taking on a new form.

I don’t even think when I type. I don’t know what the hell comes out of these fingers half the time. I have a judicial hearing tomorrow. Spooky. With the big dogs. Hoping that nothing will come of it. Petty petty stuff. Responsibility calls. Consequences await. Bed!

Is Life Really What They Say It Is? Life or Bleak Beginnings.

Ebbing and flowing. I stare off, too encumbered to think anymore than necessary. I don’t need to question why, although I spend all day thinking about the answer.

Do I have to lie to myself to get by each day? Is life really what they say it is? Meaningless and void. My personality, my will, all a product of evolution. I am not me, I do not have free will, I am the result of unbelievable chance. Matter in the universe totally coincidentally organized to a place that is now my current condition. My thoughts are not mine. I am merely matter that has evolved. I am the result of chance reactions. I can lie to myself to instill meaning behind my actions that lead to my circumstances and the current circumstances that man has faced throughout history… but it’s a lie. Me thinking it’s a lie is meaningless. Knowing anything is meaningless. Why do I say this? If this life is how they say it is, a freak evolution in the course of time, defying all odds- but maybe not- or anything that would cause matter to stray in disarray, what is the point? Who I am? What I am doing here? Is it enough to accept that by chance we arrived to a point where we dissect the very fragments of space and time we’re composed of? We turn and pry and poke at matter and energy and calculate predictions with Godlike accuracy. If we are just matter… where is it in the laws of nature or the evolutionary scope of man that he questions what he is? Does a rock question its origins? Do we, composed of trillions of seemingly innate molecules, as more organized states of matter, have any greater place in space and time? If my thoughts are motivated by mere molecules simply happening by chance, programmed to respond from a long line of genetic codes that have been constantly victimized and molded by chance circumstances and mutations, am I void of a will? Do I even have a choice?

Recently I’ve been trying to entertain the idea that there is no God. This concept is so foreign to my inner being that when I look for reasons to do something, apart from knowing there is a purpose and a plan and perfection behind it, everything is for nothing. Lies? What is reality? Who can prove it to me, or themselves, any more than what they are willing to accept? I cannot run from the reality I swim in every day that needs answers.

Why does man create? It’s not for survival. You don’t need to create to survive. You need to do whatever you can, but you certainly don’t need to create. Why paint? Why build monuments? Why is man so hungry for power?

I look around and I see meaningless. I see people who are sick of the lies they swallowed. Everyone thinks they’re going somewhere. That they have it figured out. They need to in order to move on. But is anyone any closer to substantial understanding? People accept delusions, deceive themselves by settling for cheap answers, and continue delve into this world of matter and molecules that we create as a playground for itself. We are the molecules organizing molecules. For what purpose? There is none. We are a bubbling, frothing, chance reaction of minuscule matter in the universe that’s miraculously persisted to churn on. Somehow the random and unorganized matter managed to find a way to organize, and produce more organization, and even predict patterns of organization and devise ways to see into itself and ask about the origins of itself, only to arrive at the conclusion it was all a random chance. The fact that order exists at all amazes me. Laws?

Do I have a soul? Is that what resides within me?

Do the laws of the universe create life? Do the forces that act on all matter inevitably lead to reactions causing organization that begets more organization? And begets organization to the point where the molecules begin to question themselves and their intent? Organized states of matter drawing from the universe around them that produce something out of nothing? Ideas? Truth? Philosophical concepts and laws to live and govern by? I would rather say we are gods. If we are not, we are made in God likeness. A consciousness exists within us that is more than the resulting whole we’re composed of. If we were solely matter, we would be no more relevant in the scheme of time than dust in the wind. Our experiences would be lies. Lies would be lies. There would be no right or wrong. The evolutionary reaction would persist until it fizzles out. All of these thoughts, however personal we make them, attached with sentimental penchants to make it worth understanding, are nothing. Do not convince yourself they are more than the reality you accept them to be. You swallow lies if you think you are worth more than the ashes that construct and guide these inclinations. If there is no real meaning to life, and everything is meaningless- aside from the lie you’re convinced it to be- than knowing this is meaningless. Getting to the bottom of anything, the truth about something, knowing everything- is pointless. You will not be any better off.

I suppose people, once they’re convinced that there is no origin, no God or purpose or real plan, they can begin to make life whatever they want it to be. They are masters of their fate. The opportunity chance has given them allows them to be a god for a brief moment in time. They infuse their decisions with the illusion of meaning, deciding and believing in a fabricated existence. They declare their own laws and morals and philosophies to be paramount to anyone around them. Even if they’re tolerant, they’ve arrived at the conclusion that everyone can believe whatever they want because there is no meaning, and they are right because they believe it to be so. This is called existentialism. This is the current state mankind has found for itself. Because there is no truth, and all is relative, everything is debatable. True meaning is vapid.

Is there a God? If he is, why are we separated from him? If all that is can be measured and calculated before our eyes, where is this God? What is love? What is faith? What is honesty? What is truth? What is compassion? What is empathy? What is kindness? What is a will? Are they mere reactions? behaviors? patterns? How can these things be measured? Is right and wrong measurable by a definite scale? If not, why do be place faith in such things as hope?

If God is real, why would he allow people to suffer? Is it his will we suffer or, like a father’s love for his child, does his heart break to see us struggle? Does he pain and weep when he sees us scrape by in life, accepting pathetic answers for help instead of looking to him? Does he want to know us? Does he even care? Did he make us for the insignificant novelty of it all? Little beings hurting, hurting others, suffering to survive, questioning life and existing, crawling through life on their hands and knees to spread themselves over as much material or immaterial gains as possible, only to find themselves on their deathbed with the cold reality that it was all for nothing. The suffering, the joy, the relationships, were for nothing, and they slip into oblivion. Or do they find themselves in other place, confronted with answers to the questions? Are they blinded by the radiating perfection of a just God who they’ve reserved as an afterthought? Does this God accept them to a place they never wished to seek? Does a door open to those who don’t knock? Is there a place where a relationship with a perfect God exists? A God who you never desired to look for or know? Where would a perfect justice place the blame? On God or us?

friend is a four letter word

Pick your friends. Do not let your friends pick you.

Do I know what I want? Yes. Have I ever had it before? No. Have I ever seen it before? No. Will I know when I see it? Yes. Is it going to be a long hard confusing struggle before I achieve this desire? Yes. Will I falter at times? Yes. Will I settle for things that are less than what’s best for me? Yes. Does that make me weak? No.

Sometimes I settle for less than what I know is best. I use excuses to settle or take shortcuts like… all this extra effort is unnecessary, or it won’t matter right now, or I just gotta use what I got instead of looking for better, or other inane devices that make it, for a time, alright to avoid responsibility for myself. I despise the urge inside me to question my own convictions. When something is out of place and I let it be, neglecting the thought to do something about it, I am cheating myself. There are people all around me that are special and great and as people are about as normal as the populace they’re surrounded with. Most people think they’re original. That they have something that no one else has. Granted, there will never be another like them, but most times that’s the only quality that sets them apart. They would never dare to be original. To be extra-ordinary. They are terrified of being outside the embraces of societies standards of normalcy. They are too insecure and too frightened of being a lone. That’s the burden of being a leader, being original. You are alone and chastised by everyone in the outside world. There will be some who will tell you they too relate to the struggle but their lives lack the burdens that the responsibility of being a leader carries. They prefer to slide back into the shadows. Why? They don’t know where they’re going or why. If they gave it some thought and ask themselves what price they’d pay for the pains of rejection they’d decline and go back to the security of knowing nothing they did would be criticized and reprimanded because they’re all the same.

I live behind glass. These eyes are the windows of my soul. I hear noises coming from the walls of my ears. My senses provide me with enough raw material to deduce my own style of thinking. I am not a mirror that reflects the behaviors of the automatons that surround me. They are all mirroring each other. When I say that we have free will the concept is so foreign they don’t know how to assimilate the idea into being. What they do is reinforce the false notion that they actually think for themselves and further justify their ignorance instead of break free from it. Its a dangerous world. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing<-(pope)

I pity the people around me. There are few whose eyes shine forth ingenuity and the innocent hope of braving new frontiers within their heart and mind.

I walk around programmed. I program myself, like most others, and I do my best not to think myself into a fit of insanity. I forget that I constantly need to recalibrate myself according to the ever changing circumstances. What I do got me where I am. If I want to go anywhere else I need to change what I do, else I stay the same.

My life is a brilliant song I'm striving to compose. I carefully search for the most beautiful notes to render the most awing performance of genius when it's my chance to perform and all eyes are watching. I don't want to resemble anyone else.

learning to live.

everyday I’m learning to live. It’s no wonder I feel so inadequate from day to day. At the moment I’m trying to flush some imagination into my life. I have trouble dealing with doubt and fear of the unknown. This is why I read and explore and yearn experience. I find myself too serious. Whats the other alternative? I suppose balance is a good thing, and recognizing when to do what. I have an open mind that always me to see as far ahead as I’m willing to delve, but it ends there. There is no deviation that allows me to surprise myself with serendipitous happenings. Whenever I talk to myself I’m reminded of how much more there is to learn about life, what I want, what I need to give, and what’s rightfully mine to claim.

The strangest secret.

We become what we think about.

The very thoughts we conjure and dwell upon shape our actions, habits, character, and destiny. Choose your thoughts wisely. Knowing this, recognize how important your environment is. The people you hang out with, the hobbies and pastimes you indulge in, the imagery you subject yourself to, what you read, what you listen to, and the desires of the heart all shape you variably. Control your thoughts and you control your life, your success or your failure.

I think, therefore I am.

Primitive

We’re so primitive. Cluttered, smoggy, tangled lives. Surrounded by things, choking on fumes, tripping over wires. We sit on our high throne and pat ourselves on the back for our great progress. We’ve made no real progress. The philosophies that govern the majority of the lost and dying world we live in today are no different than those practiced in antiquity. Has our brilliance truly saved more lives than it cost? The famine, the killing, the lies and deceit and confusion. Do we possess any more of life’s answers than ever before in history? Are we any closer to what we’re looking for? As long as there is death and struggle, confusion and war, pride and ego, I would say we have squandered our time and exasperated our resources. No matter the theory or philosophy, free will has perfection shackled and out of reach forever. Only a strive to attain the ideal exists. That is universal.

wound

I am a wounded person. Sometimes I feel emotionally void. I feel like I have difficulty feeling, especially those closest to me. I feel as though my emotions were run dry in my youth, compounded with my radically demanding parents using their techniques of tough love to shape me up. Instead I feel void inside. Maybe its my friends, the guilt, hanging over my head for years as I tried coping with the thought of a suicide pact gone fucking wrong. Me trying to rationalize this notion of the responsibility lying on me, internally coping with these disastrous feelings with cutting, drugs and sick dark depressing thoughts of death. Anything to stop the feelings of guilt, emptiness and a lost sense of self value.

I want to feel comfort. Somewhere. I know you have to give it to get it, but I never felt it worked that way. I always felt like the more you gave, the more you could lose. Eventually I grew up with a superficial shield that guards my heart from over committing. It never surprises me when someone lets me down. It’s automatically expected. Its how I cope with disappointment and guilt. This problem transcends into my relationships. Friends are all right. I know that they mean a lot to me, and as long as I remain true, there is no reason for me to feel guilty about their lack of thought for me. I love unconditionally. I have a hard time feeling emotionally attached at times. I feel like I never have the right feelings even though the love is there. Women especially. I’m only receptive to an unconditional love. All else is typical. That’s why I want a mature woman. Women come and go. I can see through bullshit. I can see through petty games. I can also see when someone really cares about me. Despite their bullshit claims and antics to push me away. It hurts, yea. It hurts a lot, the games and hurt they throw my way, but I feel the love. If I didn’t I wouldn’t subject myself to it, and I would walk away unscathed. If I felt that they weren’t worth it, they weren’t worth my time and energy, I wouldn’t even waste my thoughts on them or their pathetic attempts to get under my skin. But when I feel love and when I feel that they are true, despite the bull, I subject myself to it. Not indefinitely, but my love for them resides deep within me. I may not show it, but my love it true. I may have a hard time wrapping my hands around what it means to me, but its there. I probably won’t do anything about it, cause i don’t waste my time with people who don’t give me the time, but I still obey the love. It burns within me. One day that love will be for someone who deserves it.

Defining

Where ever you go in life there will always be those defining moments with those defining people. I suppose you seek them out and allow the the definition to take place when you’re most comfortable. I can also imagine a willingness to forget a place and time that’s uncomfortable or possibly painful, with the hope that you might be able to escape the grasps of regret. What’s sad is, if you never deal with with those moments, you’re left with a big hole in your heart. Who are you if you aren’t all there?

It’s 1:43pm

Here I am. In the library. My heart is definitely in my chest. I can feel it surge to the top of my throat, ebbing and flowing with feelings as I search for meaning within myself.

I feel routine. I want novelty. I was laying in bed last night, eyes open and locked on the ceiling, thinking about my life. When you recognize you are in control, and you ask yourself what you want, and you don’t know, or you’re doing everything you can pretty much ask of yourself, what can you do? Where does that leave you?

I’m writing a paper on a radical environmentalist. Correction: I’m suppose to be writing a paper on a radical environmentalist. Instead, I’m typing away, trying my best to allow some thoughts to escape as a means to relieve the pressure within my head.

**********

Last night, I was in my bed, thinking many thoughts about matters of significant value in my life, yet these thoughts, that seemed so valuable, failed to lead me to any answers. No. I refuse to acknowledge my faulty perspective. The truth is, I was tired, slightly burnt from typing non-stop throughout the day, and my mind wanted rest.

Do you ever feel that you sometimes lack the working material to craft new ideas? I suppose that’s what they call inspiration. Where do we look for this inspiration? Where do we gather the material that usually seems to be right beneath our noses?

****************

Snow hills, steep and slippery. The walkways are platted in a brown slush. I skip over the puddles of mud and ice, walking with my head down. Some days I look up and smile at a passerby. I like smiling. I like smiling with my eyes. It makes them smile. People know that which is real. Today I look down at the puddles. The trees are frosted with a light snowy powder. Chimney’s breath gentle clouds of steam high into the air. The sky matches the dull look in my eye, gray and lifeless.

**********

Be the change you see in the world.

I had a good night tonight. I can barely feel my fingers as I type this out. Later than expected, I found myself wondering if I could manage the colossal mountain of work I’d been over dramatizing in my head. I found myself doing my best to catch up on sleep throughout the day. Minutes and hours here and there. Nothing too worthy to be called a recovery. Eventually I found myself eager to change what was starting to become a daily routine of ideal wishing. I sat there at dinner and talked of motivation with other desperate bodies longing for some kind of intangible compulsory that would inspire them. I felt a rush of invigoration and began talking with a tone of hope. Dreams and aspirations… the people that I live amongst. The people inhabiting the world. The vast majority. What do they think it takes to be successful? To exist in ideal circumstances? Everyone has their own conception of what that is of course, but I find it pretty sad when they attribute the magnificent powers of success to factors outside their control. How depressing. They scrounge and crawl to these dreams. What kind of dream is that? Where crawling and feeble begging and lost hope intertwine all together as a means to fulfill the desires residing in the depths of their soul? I call it soul. Its whatever you are deep inside- Who you are. What’s sad is the lack of faith. They contain the power they long to feel. It resides in them, untapped. Like a spring waiting to give life to all who put the energy to dig deep enough. So sad.
So I sat there this evening, dwelling with ever flowing surges and waves of thought. I refused to drown in my own state of helplessness. I decided to remind myself, and anyone that would listen, of our potential; using words that could penetrate their weak excuses for a state anything less than ideal. Perfect is my state. I began talking about faith. Not hope. Beyond hope. Hoping is wishing for circumstances that are beyond your our immediate control. That’s another excuse to lay back and be victimized. Everything it takes to be successful resides within you. You have what it takes. You don’t have to wish or hope any longer. No more sadness. No more waiting for better days.
I talked. They listened with eagerness. “Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”(Emerson). Whom we always wanted to be. My desire is to provide a sliver of inspiration that induces motivation.
I talked and their eyes became fixated on words that transcended their immediate listening and penetrated their hearts; to a place where they dwelt where they were alone, where they wished someone would provide the comfort of an idea they could believe would rescue them. A breath of hope that blows gently on the embers of their desires so they could see the flames that give the light they need to travel on, far beyond the shadows of doubt.
I want to offer that as much as I want to hear it. I talked. They listened. They heard what I said. Human experience is something far more powerful than any book; than any of the scholarly text that lead us to believe this or that. Scholarly writings only exist to confirm universal human experiences. When you haven’t experienced, you cannot take the words of another without leading yourself into a realm where you have no agency of understanding. You are blind and grabbing at abstracts. The words of human experience resonate deep and wide and can be universally translated even through the gaze of the eyes. They hit you deep and you understand.
As I exchanged these words of penetration I myself began to realize what I often neglect as relevant human experience. How foolish. We know the answers yet we struggle to find the strength to believe in them, even when they lay within our reach.

I went out tonight. I found myself churning through pages and pages of essays. One by one I flipped the pages of readings, gently tapping away at my keyboard with every insight I overturned. I managed to produce a four page research paper in a matter of no more than four hours. I was pleased with my work and debated the possibilities of exploring some social activities this evening. My intentional better half longed to finish all the homework scheduled for the lengthy weekend ahead, but my wise yet understanding social half decided otherwise. I would make a phone call to casually inquire about any nightly activities ahead. I struck fortune and no longer than an hour later I found myself laughing and conversing with other jubilant comrades who were just as thrilled as I. The temperature dropped well below freezing. My estimations lead me to believe we hung out in a range far below negative fifteen degrees. Maybe single digits. It didn’t matter though. Valentine whiskey, Budweiser and Coors light beer? Any combination calls for a party. And we did.
A wonderful array of personalities collided into a beautiful hum of snickers and hugs and pictures and smiles. It was nice. Relationships blossomed and a strange comforting security swept over the usual anxiety.

I had a good time. it was cold. It was pretty much equivalent to anything you’d encounter in anything north of 50deg latitude. I felt like an Eskimo. It was good though. There were a lot of people I was glad to talk to for a change. A lot of people i hadn’t had the chance to converse in serious dialog with.

All day tomorrow is homework and study day. Accounting and English. 🙂

lost

It’s hard to live in the present, taking in every moment like it’s expected, and reflect on your life with honest sincereity. I don’t know what it is I feel at the moment. Times closing in. I’ll be off in a few weeks. I’m not sure what the next two months hold in store. I’m not even sure if they’re what I really truly will be expecting. Its like being on a mouse wheel. You can only see what your next step is. You can’t see if coming up behind you, but you’ve done it enough times you can predict it with accuracy. Every step. I’m alright. Thats about it. Alright. And that’s alright. There is nothing to complain about. But I want something more. What is it? I’m not sure. It’s gotta be something. If everyone stopped lying to themselves for a moment, I think that everyone could honestly answer that they want more. That may not be the way life works, but it’s how I and everyone else on this planet works. We understand the varying degrees of gratification. The instant and the delayed. The delayed seems to be the only one with positive lasting results. You construct so much with the unsatisfied energy. I suppose I’m looking forward to the distant future. I don’t know what that looks like, and in the mean time I’ll be sitting here, working hard, dedicated to the goal, and all day long, be thinking about it. Wanting it now. I think this is where patience comes into play. You can’t beat time. Sort of unfortunate.
At any rate. What is it? I want something to fill me. I want something to make me feel rewarded every day. A woman? perhaps. A career? Maybe not even that. I’m in school maintaining whatever it is that’s typically expected of someone like me and the responsibilities I’ve resumed, and at times go far above and beyond the calling, yet I’m so bound to this sense of loneliness and emptiness. Its not even that I’m lost like I use to be. I know exactly where it is I’m going. Its just a very cold and long journey. I feel like I’m all by myself with the occasional comrade to relate to. They’re far and few between even when they are listening.
I’m tired. Last week of classes. *snore*

Divinity tonight

Life is interesting. You control the very reality you live in. If you don’t think so- that’s because you’ve led yourself to believe that. YOU need faith- faith in something above yourself- and you can do anything and be anything.

It’s amazing how so many people can relate to life’s certain hardships, whether it be mentally or emotionally or physically. I talk to people, tell them my ordeals and struggles, and it strikes a familiar chord within their soul that vibrates in unison with mine. We connect and share and explore the struggle together. It’s different, vastly different, yet so universally translatable.

I went to a concert tonight, went to a few bars, talked with a few people. It was a good time. I love lovin life. I love bein all over the place, nothing inhibiting the positive feelings of genuine love for random people. I don’t care what they look or talk like, I like them if they can smile with their mouth and their eyes.

I am totally stoked off the two weeks left of school. I’m all about studying. I feel like an awesome nerd. Study, study, study.

I’m trying to get another band to perform at the first concert this college has ever had on campus in February. We’ll see how it goes.

I studies alot today. I actually thought alot more than I studied. I’m very happy with my progress, but I wish I did alot more than I thought. I love thinking, but I like doing more. I drew up alot of goals and organized alot of thoughts and plans which is great. I can implement them tomorrow. Two papers to finish. One Exam. One Project. One thematic synopsis.

I like feeling convicted of certain things. I know that truth will shine through every time. Like gold. Truth is constant, unchanging, reliable, functional, genuine, and always there when you look for it. It’s just about knowing truth. Examining what works. If it works, no matter how crappy you implemented it, there is a hint of truth to it. Somewhere. You just need the desire to search for it, and desire to seek truth, and have faith that truth is what you’re looking for. Really believing that it is an genuine and fulfilling as you imagine it to be and it really it.

little boy.

I am a little boy. I like simple things. Why does everything have to be complex? and when it’s simple, why do I feel that I haven’t put enough thought into it and I’m missing out? Why is there a contradiction here? I want to run at life with my arms wide open and catch whatever fleeting opportunities I run into.

******

So I regressed to the depths of my thoughts- to a place where freedom seems to lead to an automatic state of existence. Why is this thought of freedom so exciting? When we are free, then what? Free to choose whatever or feel however we want. Would we be any closer to knowing what it is we want? As technology frees us from the constraints of time and effort, I feel that we are sliding ever closer to a dependency and less towards the freedom we strive for. I feel that this dependency is turning us into automatons that do not think of the implications of their actions. I feel that freedom never exists. There needs to be a dependency on something. Nothing is free to do what it will without sacrificing it’s integrity somewhere along the line, sacrificing a piece of itself. Freedom is an allusion.
A people cannot be free without sacrificing certain rights.
A person cannot do whatever it wants without being dependent upon a means.
In order to eat, I am dependent upon food sources. I am dependent upon people. Upon the land.
In order to be happy, what am I dependent on? Can I be happy for no reason? Can I be happy due to my dependence of ignorance? Or can I be happy due to the dependence of people, things, circumstances?
Are we always dependent upon certain variables around me?
Do we have the freedom to do whatever we want without consequence or implication?

Birthday Break

I dont even know where to start. I’m always all over the place. I had a six day break, which was very very nice. I took off school two days early cause I could. Um. My birthday was on Wednesday. I went to Jersey to see old friends. Went to a bar… had some dinner with my old friend Nolan, hung out with Jeffery and Caitlin… got intoxicated and passed out cause I’m a lightweight and I dont care. I woke up in the fetal position, shaking and freezing on his couch.
Jeff sleeps in a walk in freezer. No joke. Multiple air conditioning devices in a 12 by 12 room is just excessive.

I hug out with lil Gavin and Gen all day friday. Friday night I went to Philli with Jamie and Genevieve. We went to 1st friday art festival.. saw awesome art and walked through awesome art galleries. Um. drank a bunch of free energy drinks for no reason at all. Went to Nolan’s farm for a reunion party… old friends and alcohol… shootin the shit. it was great. Went to Dave M’s rents house… they had a sweet party… Yeingling keg, firepit.. food… old people being young again. it was great. Went to Eric and mark’s house… met up with like… EVERYONE i grew up with from glassboro and pitman. Kegs, beerpong, and an open house. Good time.

Jamie and I decided to live a little and be spontaneous so we decide to go to NYC. at 2:00am we booked buses and walked with a drunken clarity like non other to the nearest bus stop. Took two buses to philly and Nyc. We woke up with a minor hangover peering up at massive skyscrapers, listening to oriental languages. Chinatown. That place smells like rotten garbage.

We bought subway passes and explored Manhattan. Beautiful Women…everywhere…no joke… omggg. I love NYC. Hung out in central park.. relaxed…read a little… tanned on the sleeping lawn or whatever…. checked out Columbus Circle, Grand central, Times square, Washington square park, SOHO, NOHO, lil italy, we went to the financial district and the WTC site… and everything in between. it was non stop. stopped at NYU and checked it out. Stopped at a pub. A cafe. talked to random people.

We were constantly running on caffeine. Suprisingly I wasnt strung out. We took a bus back at 1030pm and made it home by 1:30am Sunday…alex picked us up and we went straight home for the showers and a nice meal…i was sorta in a psychosis…my feet and back was aching… but I was mentally sharp. I slept like… hm… 6 or 7 hours and was great for the rest of the day. I hitched a ride back to Mass with my Aunt Den. Hung out with my cousin Gord… bought some beer for him and his friends and we sat around the fire pit chillin and exchanging stories. It was a good time. To be young again. Geeze. Man I sound so lame when I talk to young people. Already I’m like… don’t do this… don’t do that… trust me… duh duh duh. Geeze. Young people gotta learn the hard way. They don’t wanna hear it from me. And if i tell them… I’m wrong. I feel bad for my parents. ha. No one ever takes advice without being fearful their whole life of the unknown. You gotta grab life by the balls and go for it and if you fuck up… then you know not to do that again. be young and stupid. It might hurt and cause pain… but when you decide to get smart all you have to do is look at your mistakes, if you can recognize them, and dont make them again.

so anyway

my unicorn

I want new. I can’t wait to love again. I’ve tasted it. I’ll never forget the taste. I’ll never give up till I taste it again. Whatever it takes. as long as it’s with that person who is everything i could ask for and more. Someone that i wouldn’t mind taking on the worst they have to offer, just to taste the best another day. I would put up with it. Isn’t that love? even when they say no more and walk away… I won’t chase. but they’ll know exactly where they left me if they ever search to remember. Love, even if its with someone you’ve seen everyday, is something you’ll never get tired of. It makes life better. it gives it meaning. It makes it exciting and fresh. It invokes those feelings of childishness and curiosity. senseless enjoyment. wasting time… but its with them and they’re in your arms… and you wouldn’t trade that time for any amount of anything. ah. you know. dates. going anywhere with them because anywhere with them is new and always exciting. there is never a dull moment.you could figure them out forever. I just want a girl who’s never done finding herself. I dont ever want a girl who thinks she’s done growing as a person. she needs to be thinking and weighing and looking for meaning all the time. it makes it so much fun to be with someone who i am always getting to know as they continually get to know their full potential. and i cant wait to find a woman who i can encourage. and give my all to. to help her achieve her amazing potential. i would give my everything to see her achieve her desire and bask in the accomplishment. just to catch a glimpse of those smiling eyes and be in the presence of the warm glow of happiness she emanates. i would give my everything to her. to foster her. to love her. to encourage her. i would love to be crazy with her. ridiculously free and happy. id love to sit on our porch overlooking weathered ocean dunes and witness the heavenly surge of ocean waters creep towards us… as every crashing wave dissolves its form and sound into the atmosphere. to hold hands. just to touch. to feel our souls touch from across the room when i catch her eye. she’ll be my unicorn… but she’ll be mine.

i dunnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Life is a river… moving whether you are or not.

Life. Is in your face every minute. You have to be on your toes. Constantly evaluating progress and potential actions that would either lead you away or closer to your goals. Constant self awareness. You need direction always. You need to project a positive constructive self-image that emanates everything you want to strive for. Be conscious all the time. Be responsible. You are not a collection of those around you. You are not a reflection of your circumstances. You are infinitely powerful. It is up to you to realize that potential in a life time. Endurance. Its a race. Life is a challenge. It requires disciplined effort. You have to constantly apply your best efforts, starting with your best thoughts, every moment you’re given the choice. Time is limited. Life will pass you by. You must move forward. If you wait for life to come to you… it won’t. It keeps on moving.

Life is like a river… you are floating downstream… you’re desires lie upstream. You have the choice… swim…to pursue those desires… believe that you are capable of that kind of endurance not matter how fast the river is moving and churning and your muscles are burning.. OR… you can float on your back… take the easy route… yea… maybe your happy… in those brief moments when you don’t think about everything your missing out on… your deepest desires remaining unfulfilled…you lower your expectations and except the minimum that life has to offer… you ever tell yourself that there are opportunities and they will come to me… until you wake up and you realize how unhappy you are… and you blame the river… and the rocks and the turbulence… yea thats easy. avoid responsibility. but there are those who recognize their potential.. and thier desires are real enough and their passion is strong enough that they swim thier hardest day in and day out until they reach every one of their desires that lay ahead. until they are now longer swimming against a river but they have come to a place of serenity where they can enjoy the fruits of thier efforts and they look back see how hard and painful they worked and the contrast makes the sweet taste of success and its rewards all that better.

self-destruct

I’ve done every drug but heroin. I’ve tripped on so much fucking acid dozens of hits. Soo many shrooms; pounds homegrown and picked from pastures. I’ve done so much blow- innumerable ounces upon ounces. I’ve ate so many fuckin ecstasy- dozens upon dozens. I’ve smoked god knows how much reefer- pounds upon pounds. I’ve ate so much DXM. I’ve chomped down so many pain killers. and even more benzodiazepines like xanax klonopins and valiums. I’ve eatin so much fuckin ritalin. I’ve overdosed more times than I could ever remember. I’ve vomited enough to fill several bathtubs. im had more sex with the most beautiful girls. the most fucked up girls. I’ve been to more parties and met more people than most people do in a lifetime. I’ve done more keg stands. more beer bongs. more bongs. more fights. I’ve knocked out so many kids. I’ve been in so many brawls. I’ve got so many scars. I’ve cut myself so many times. I’ve burned myself so many times. I’ve pierced myself. I’m tatted. I’ve dyed my hair. I’ve been homeless. I’ve failed high school. I’ve had friends overdose to death; two of my closest friends hung themselves. till their eyes popped out of their head and their face went purple and blue like a infectious pimple. I’ve lost 30 pounds from not eating. I’ve gained 30 pounds from wanting to get big. I’ve crashed cars. I’ve flipped cars. I’ve had anxiety till I vomited. I struggle with it every day. I’ve had depression until I’ve overdosed into severe unconsciousness. depression where i prayed i wouldn’t wake up for years on end, where breathing became painful. I’ve seen so much fucked up shit. I’ve moved twelve times in six states and attended eleven different schools, public, private, boarding, all boys, very small, very large. I’ve been all over the fuckin country. I’ve seen the richest rich; the poorest poor. There isn’t much I haven’t seen; nothing surprises me. I’ve been fucked up for weeks. Months. Can’t see straight; can’t remember last month. Last week. Last night. Don’t remember what the fucks been going on. I’ve been to concerts, raves, clubs, bars, strip clubs, pool parties, bonfires extravaganzas, mega bashes, basement parties, mansions, yacht parties. You fuckin name it. My god. None of that has ever left me the least bit content. Nope. Not at all. When that shits over I usually felt worse. The memories are good, but I can’t live in the past and forget about the now. That shit is all stupid. It fucks you up. Kills you. It’s a hole. A bottomless pit that eats you up and you fall faster and faster and it gets harder and harder to examine what reality looks like and you crash. Hard. I’m done living like that. life will be there when you wake up. Unless you never wake up. you make it good and worthwhile.

anyway.

hmm

I’ve encountered a paradox. I find that living life, and understanding life are almost impossible to do simultaneously. Yet- It is absolutely necessary to find time to do both. Lest you end up crazy, all action and no theory, or a philosopher with all theory and no action to back the claims he spent a lifetime to conjure.

this is what i think

you know what. i used to have so little faith in myself. i thought i was a failure. i thought i just lacked what it took in this world to be great. i just considered myself special as an individual but i never realized how i could possible excel and contribute. the past year ive changed tremendously.

my whole metaphysical system for understanding what it means to be successful has been totally redone. it started with me failing high school. then me being a drug addict. then me losing a girl i loved with all my heart that it hurt and what hurt more was my inadequacy, because she deserved the best and i wasn’t. and i had to give her up in my mind because if i loved her i wouldn’t want to be a burden for someone that special. anyway.

i eventually sorta gave up, got kicked outta my house and was homeless for awhile. it was then, when i realized i would die or be a totally depressed unhappy bum if i didnt take responsibility for my thoughts and actions did i start exploring how to be successful. i started reading books, and the first book i picked up changed my life. “as a man thinketh” by james allen. i never even read prior to that book. i read it and it changed my view of the potential inside me that was crying out to be tapped. ever since ive continued reading books by the most successful people in the world and i never thought i could read so me or have so much ambition and positive hope for myself and my future.

failure is not an option to stop. i realized it simply became a stepping stone to success. you fail at something, you just dont do it that way again. otherwise youd be insane (doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results) instead you try try again reading and thinking about how to to it better and you will succeed. there are alot of tools and understanding ive aquired as the priciple foundations for success. anyway. anyway. i went back to highschool with a renewed spirit, got my degree, looked at colleges, read books, found landmark, readup on it, thought it sounded amazing, applied and paid for all those fees and here i am. i swear im so excited to get challenged, esp in an environment where they understand my frustrations i face with ADD and my mind. cause i don’t operate like the norm, and throughout high school and prior i thought i was just a crazy lunatic who was too scatterbrained and not focused enough to really make progress. i know now i can.

i think about that girl and it hurts so bad but i tell you whenever i feel lazy or contemplate procrastinating i think about her and how much it hurt to feel like a failure and now worthy enough for her. i expect much from myself. i want to give the world to her. and its not so much her as it is someone that i will have those feelings for again in the future. its extremely painful to let go of something you love more than anything. it motivates me to read dozens and dozens of books on dozens of subjects and get up early and go to the gym and do errands and be creative and just my the best person i can be. we all have unlimited potential its up to each of us in this lifetime to realize the potential. only then can be possibly tap into it.

i realize i am who i am and im ok with that. i will succeed and reach all of my goals so long as i have goals. goals are huge. without them we wander aimlessly in life. we need to know where to set the bar and what we’re working for and applying our efforts towards. the only thing more fulfilling than accomplishing a goal is the thought of the possibility of accomplishing it. its so invigorating. the challenge is like a reservoir of satisfaction waiting to be tapped. ah. so anyway. i want to prove to myself that i can be as successful as i think i can. it aint for the degree. it aint for the money. its about learning and adding to my knowledge and understanding. every accomplishment builds confidence towards the next even more challenging endeavor.

looking forward to catching up at school. we have the potential to do whatever our mind can come up with however amazing. “whatever the mind of a man can conceive and believe, the mind of a man can achieve.”-napoleon hill. you gotta think big and be positive and just on every opportunity to overcome a challenge or a fear. i got some good books ill introduce you to. ultimately, its what you want from this life and yourself. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” so true. problem is we don’t ask, and we don’t seek, and we don’t pursue. anyway.

this place is awesome. its built for people like me. they have all the right teachers and resources to tap into for help and encouragement. and from here, if I utilize everything available to us, we can go on to any higher more challenging institution for learning we choose. its exciting.

i like all music. my friends got me into the hardcore scene. not a huge fan of country yet, just doesnt do it for me, and rap and r&b is aight. hiphop a little more perferable. i dont get into any music scene tho. i tend to go with what speaks to my emotions at the time. anyway.

Life as a mountain

There are going to be obstacles in life and temptations. They never ever leave. i struggle. you struggle. we all struggle. you make it easier and easier for yourself by getting into the habit of doing the right thing no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the excuse. It starts with your choices and decisions. It’s important to get into the habit of making the right choices according to what you know to be right and according to how it will help benefit you and your life and daily goals. This is how i see it, and its a reality we all face if we choose to:
Life is like a race to the top of a mountain. The goal is to get to the top as quickly and efficiently as possible. The finish line offers us unlimited rewards for whatever desire our creative vision synthesizes in our mind. Everyone is human, as capable as the man next to him. Everyone starts at the bottom with equal choices. During the journey everyone takes their own individualized path. There are people who, do to their desire to succeed, put thought into the race and tend to follow the paths others have taken because they see the success of that road. There are those who blaze their own trail into the unknown obstacles that wait, for good or for worse. Some take easy paths, some take hard paths, some paths require skill and patience, some are a walk in the park. During the race you can maintain any speed you want. You can run fast and hard, keeping your eyes focused on the top of the mountain coupled with a mind consciously visualizing the finish line, the prizes and rewards that wait for him who desires it most. There are others that run slow, or walk, some even stop and sit. Some keep their eyes ahead on the finish line but lack urgency. They think they have all the time in the world. Right now they’d rather relax and enjoy their youth and energy. They laugh at everyone laboring and sweating to get their first and even detract others from their goal, convincing them their way is better. Those who want to succeed badly enough pay no attention to those going any slower them. They are only concerned with those who are going up and quickly, always eager to learn something from those who are a little quicker and more skilled so that their arsenal of weapons and tools against the inevitable obstacles will allow for quick victory over challenges so that they can continue on their journey. The people who lack urgency unfortunately, never progress, and never get any closer to the top. As time passes it gets harder as their energy and inspiration fleet away with every passing day. They’ve gotten themselves into the routine of doing enough to get by, complacent and content with their surroundings and the little things in life. It’s sad to see these ignorant people wander aimlessly through life. Sometimes they forget they’re even in a race. They choose to enjoy the scenery and the ‘good things in life’ really forgetting the amazing rewards at the top, paying little thought to time as they get older and it gets harder, until its too late. As time passes the prizes are won and the vitality of the well spring of opportunity begins to dry up. They look around, and they see the people at the top that persevered, happy, relaxing due to their diligence, focus, and perseverance. They are forced to settle for what they got. They blame the world and circumstances, never accepting responsibility as they make endless excuses for themselves. The race is won one step at a time. Every moment you aren’t thinking about the race is a moment in time you’ll never get back, and it gets harder and harder as the older you get and the chances get fewer and fewer. You need to answer some questions before you begin your race. What? How? And the most important driving force- Why? The ‘what’ is the knowledge required to pilot you as a vessel. This constructs the vision you have for yourself and the capabilities you can handle. Answering questions paints a vivid picture in your mind of the life you’re capable of living. It provides goals worthy of aspiration. What’s it going to take to get me where I want to go? What kind of race would you like to run? What kind of rewards are you striving for? What path should I take? What would help me get there sooner? What tools am I going to require as I encounter obstacles and challenges that ill need to overcome as I strive for success? The ‘how’ is the skill required to complete tasks effectively and efficiently. It’s the rudder that will guide you as vessel to your destination effectively. By asking ‘how’, you provide yourself with answers that take the cumulative knowledge and understanding you’ve gathered through asking what, and capitalize on the using the best tools and knowledge for the right job. How will I reach my goal? How will I overcome this obstacle? How can I be the best? It’s not necessarily all about what you know; it’s how you use what you know. It offers precision to every thought. Finally, the most importantly driving force behind anything you do as a person is discovered by asking ‘why?’ Why do the right thing? Why am I running so hard? Why am I being so disciplined? Why learn this? Why read that? Why know all this stuff? The ‘why’ is the inspiration and motivation needed to get you to where you want to go. Without answering this question the desire to be great and do great is nonexistent. Knowing why offers desire and a chance to grow as a person exponentially. It’s the fuel that drives you as a vessel to wherever you want to go in life.
You cannot run before first learning to walk. You need to take one step at a time, after you take ten steps, what’s stopping you from taking ten more? After walking ten miles, who says you can’t walk ten more? After running ten miles, why can you run ten more? With every step you take and every mile you travel you are building a confidence to do more and go farther. Don’t get ahead of yourself and expect amazing results immediately. Don’t judge a day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you sow. It starts with small disciplines until they’re mastered and the confidence for more will come.
You need to cast away any thought, any vice, any person, anything- that would hinder you from achieving your all and reaching your goals. You can’t afford to waste any time and mental energy on anything else but things that are beneficial and constructive you’re your life. There is no fear, no anxiety, no worry, no doubt- that should keep you from moving forward and doing your best. Act on what you know and work daily to achieve life goals. When you know what’s right and you do what you know to be wrong you make it harder for yourself. You slowly loose faith and confidence in yourself to succeed. Action is the only thing that gets results. You need to act on what you know to be right if you expect life to improve. It’s not wise to let yourself do something you know isn’t going to help you out in life or in your progress. Then again if you don’t have goals and reasons for doing right and making decisions that would benefit you, its easy to rationalize the choices you make based on how you feel about it today.

What you need to do is really think about where you want to be in life. Then set goals for yourself so you know what your working toward and how and why. If you don’t give it any thought, no one will. No one can do more for yourself than you. Don’t lie or rationalize the realities of life. They’ll be there whether you think they’re there or not. Life will move on without you. You cheat no one but yourself by doing nothing and making excuses. Don’t know where to start? What do you want out of life? Get a vision of the best things you’ve realistically ever imagined. How are you going to get there? Learn and absorb from those going and doing where you want to go and what you want to do. Read their books. Only concern yourself with those going up, unless where you are is alright.