Author: William

mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mosh, mooosshhhhhhh

NEVER SAY NEVER.

i lvoe my friends. and i love life. and i love doing things i DONT like doing. cause in my mind i forget about how much i dont like doing this…or how much id rather be doing something else.. and think that im building my character and becoming a better person. self sacrifice. all that.
and right now im totally euphoric. i think about the future and whats in store and its amazing. unlimited. UNLIMITED. and i love this new book im reading. in the beginning i was a bit perturbed because of some interesting views and philosophies but all in all the book is full of inspiring power. its called “The Magic of Believeing” by Claude Bristol. anyway. its good.

and i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

and i feel a little bad that i havent seen anyone lately and i havent been keeping in touch with as many people as id like to but the love is still there. Forgive me! im just doing my own thing. and thats the only thing thats gonna get me to where i wanna go. anyway. loveeeee

ergh. i hate anxiety. and right now im thinking myself in circles. gosh. anyway.

i dont wanna work. or. i dont wanna do something to earn money that takes up the majority of my time and its not even something i enjoy. poo. work ruins everything. not really tho. id be po and in debt if i didnt have a job. actually. i bet i wouldnt have any debt cause i wouldnt putmyself in any position i couldnt afford to be in. ah. mo money mo problems. unless ofcourse you have such an overwhelmingly amount of money that bills and debt are non existent in the sea of accumulated wealth. i want that.

i almost died today. or it felt like it. i trained to the point where i was saturated in blackness from the intensity and repeatedness of being kicked, punched, choked out, or submitted in some fashion. honestly it wasnt as bad as im making it seem but i pushed myself to the limits. and it felt heavenly afterwards. i’d probably compare the euphoria to some drunk meaningless sex. it was that good.

other than that… i accomplished alot of productive, good errands and appointments that i’d been meaning to carry out. woke up.had lunch at pyro’s (yumyum). ran into a friend and had a good talk over lunch. took at friend to school (due to the carless state he’s in as a result of hitting two cop cars on US1 while mildly drunk… yeaaaa.) that was my good deed of the day. went to staples and bought a bunch of stregical supplies that’ll keep me organized and motivated. got a car wash. read. watched a motivational movie. met more ppl for more food and more lunch. went to school. scheduled the last of my credits so i can get my goddamn diploma and go to college.(hopefully that’ll be over and done with in a few weeks) relaxed. ate some more. went to my martial arts class. pushed myself hard as living hell. and now im chillin. that is a damn productive day in my book.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect, still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, November 09, 2006

what i want

right now.. and i mean at this moment…i dont wanna know anyone. i wanna live in a hole and think and do what i want. and read. forever. and honestly drink coffee in a tree. or maybe on some moss surrounded by ferns. and continue reading into the day until i find myself in a flowery grassy meadow where the rivers gurgling is heard not too far off. and i can read and smoke a pipe. and drink tea. and sit under a great tree thats wide and full with life. and ill sit under it in the middle of a field. and maybe that girl will be waiting there. and we’ll sit there and read and reflect and have intelligent conversations. and not worry about time or anything like that. ill have a pocket watch(only for looks) and she’ll be wearing a white dress and ill only be wearing jeans. and ill have long blonde hair and she’ll have long flowing blonde hair. and there will be a path i follow home thats been trodden with barefeet all summer long. i want to be able to breath deep and with every last breath, savor the aroma of life all around me. the nectar and the blossuming flowers and the lush green leaves. i really want to get lost in a book. and nevermind the little bugs that fall onto the pages, but shoo them along and smile. i want to climb trees and pick apples and look at the beautifully pristine blue sky dotted with white cotton clouds and the suns soft rays. i want to look up at lively weathered trees as tall as sky scapers and run through the forest. i want to go home to a cozy cottage with all the necessities and none of the excessities;). i want to have a little wood stove and a little wood table with little wood stools and a little wood desk tucked away in the corner by the window. i want a library and a bedroom lined with decor from my adventures. there will be no wants or needs. i will provide for myself and her. and there will be no distractions. no image. no drama. no lies. no wants. no evil. nothing unecessary or distracting from living a simple and fulfilling life of happiness and the persuit of knowledge and wisdom. i want a pretty little woman with no selfish desires left because ive taken care of all her needs. because i love her. and she’ll love me.

and when i gather all the wisdom a man can carry ill go out into the world and share it with everyone. and everyone will listen because im wise and ill know how to appeal to the longings of their deepest desires.and they will know everything i say to be true because it will be the sweetest thing they’ve every heard. and ill share with them my secrets and many men will find true meaning and they will share this meaning as i have done. and slowly the world will become a better place.

until then. i need to focus on developing myself despite my circumstances so one day this might happen.

🙂

im reading this book by robert greene. i suggest picking up any of his material. other than that. i havent gotten drunk recently. which i guess means ive been pretty bored lately. um. im hanging out with girls im interested in now that ive got free time. im committing more energy to my physical fitness and overall health now that im not destroying my body every night i go out and drink a handle or a case. um. i want a girl to fuckin challenge me. ive got challenge but i really want someone who seduces me. if thats even possible at this point. hm. lifes pretty good. i like this one girl. hm. we’ll see what happens. life is good. it is. ive done good the past couple months and its times like these where im totally clear headed and free of guilt and regret that i enjoy it. cause it has no place in my life. i guess im gonna start meeting new people and make some new friends. feel like its time to spice it up. im gonna be extremely selective with who it is i befriend. hopefully i can learn from them. learn and read and reflect and repeat. dont make the same mistakes twice. cause thats not learing from your mistakes.. thats not being smart. thats just dumb. go with what works and abandon what doesn’t. work ethic is important. it seethes into other areas of your life. which is a good thing cause you realize what hard work feels like. anyway. gonna go hang out with dino. he’s in town. its been too long.

um. i got way too drunk. in fact. i quit drinking as a result. otherwise… from what i remember it was good. aside from one of my best friends being totally lame to me and saying lame shit cause he’s whipped. anyway. no more booze. ill be sober for the next couple months. count on it.

check this.

my friend came down from college and he was boasting about his rediculous drinking habits cuz he’s greek and all. frat crap. so im like oh yea you think you can drink lets go at it. well by the end of the night we bought two cases of beer and wandered out to a bar buying more and more shots. if you do the math we had about 15 beers and 4 shots of grand marnier a piece. all in a matter of a couple hours. needless to say i found him naked, in a pool of vomit, on my couch in the morning. and the vomit definately extended to every corner of the room. in places you couldnt even imagine. ya. the rents were pissed. and i ended up cleaning it up. gotta love the kid.

Amended:
In addition to passing out, the girl he tried picking up came back to my pool. We went skinny dipping, which is about the time his vomiting began to occur. We all head inside. I take this girl and jump in the shower. Flood the bathroom. Go back to my room and make love all night. My dad wakes up at 6am to read the bible, and steps in a puddle. Thinking it was my dogs piss, he goes up stairs and lets my mom have it. She insists the dog is in the kennel. He goes down and inspects again, following the vomit to the couch. When we makes it there, he peers over and finds my friends pretty much naked body caked in vomit. Vomit was in every corner of the room. He goes up to my room to let me have it and, don’t you know, finds me in bed with a naked girl. Needless to say, he wasn’t too happy.

yo i got wayy too drunk last night. forgive me please.

where are you girl? shes out there. thinking “where are you boy?” hm.the time in between feels so unecessary. i need her to get my attention. to capture my senses. to join my on my journey. if i must wait.. ill be patient. id rather be lonely than with someone whos intended for someone else.

its been said that leaders are often lonely people.

they are ahead of the pack. constantly finding new alternatives to better living, while continually renewing their outlook on life. they dont depend on anyone elses ideas but create thier own. they dont get caught up in the crowd. they dont settle for mediocrity. they are bold and certain. they dont surround themselves with a secure group of friends. they’re constantly looking for new people to meet and befriend. they’re connections are as deep as they are wide.

the people im surrounding myself with arent getting me where i need to go. they are pretty much doin nothing but getting fucked up; i dont wanna get fucked up. having a good time is good only when your priorities are in order. im not gonna be a loser getting fucked up my whole life OR put myself around those people. so im overhauling. gently. and ill be there when they need me but i cannot keep myself occupied with them. there are other things i can do that would better suit my exerted energies. psh. im a lil aggrivated right now. and i dont need/ want to be.

“Then I looked at all the works that my hands had worked, and at the labor that I had labored to do; and behold, all was vanity and a chasing after wind, and there was no profit under the sun.” -King Solomon

fuuckkkkkkkkkkkkk

right now.. and i mean at this moment…i dont wanna know anyone. i wanna live in a hole and think and do what i want. and read. forever. and honestly drink coffee in a tree. or maybe on some moss surrounded by ferns. and continue reading into the day until i find myself in a flowery grassy meadow where the rivers gurgling is heard not too far off. and i can read and smoke a pipe. and drink tea. and sit under a great tree thats wide and full with life. and ill sit under it in the middle of a field. and maybe that girl will be waiting there. and we’ll sit there and read and reflect and have intelligent conversations. and not worry about time or anything like that. ill have a pocket watch(only for looks) and she’ll be wearing a white dress and ill only be wearing jeans. and ill have long blonde hair and she’ll have long flowing blonde hair. and there will be a path i follow home thats been trodden with barefeet all summer long. i want to be able to breath deep and with every last breath, savor the aroma of life all around me. the nectar and the blossuming flowers and the lush green leaves. i really want to get lost in a book. and nevermind the little bugs that fall onto the pages, but shoo them along and smile. i want to climb trees and pick apples and look at the beautifully pristine blue sky dotted with white cotton clouds and the suns soft rays. i want to look up at lively weathered trees as tall as sky scapers and run through the forest. i want to go home to a cozy cottage with all the necessities and none of the excessities;). i want to have a little wood stove and a little wood table with little wood stools and a little wood desk tucked away in the corner by the window. i want a library and a bedroom lined with decor from my adventures. there will be no wants or needs. i will provide for myself and her. and there will be no distractions. no image. no drama. no lies. no wants. no evil. nothing unecessary or distracting from living a simple and fulfilling life of happiness and the persuit of knowledge and wisdom. i want a pretty little woman with no selfish desires left because ive taken care of all her needs. because i love her. and she’ll love me.

and when i gather all the wisdom a man can carry ill go out into the world and share it with everyone. and everyone will listen because im wise and ill know how to appeal to the longings of their deepest desires.and they will know everything i say to be true because it will be the sweetest thing they’ve every heard. and ill share with them my secrets and many men will find true meaning and they will share this meaning as i have done. and slowly the world will become a better place.

until then. i need to focus on developing myself despite my circumstances so one day this might happen.

🙂

i will never give up. i will never give up on myself. the unsatiable thirst for knowledge and greatness will never leave me.

if i ever experience love in my life, i consider myself a success. im not so sure there are people who’ve ever had the priviledge of giving as much thought and consideration as they would for themselves, to someone else. eh. im a complete hypocrit when it comes to the subject matter of love. i feel thats its as easily attainable as it is unattainable and i feel that in my current state of mind {however inebriated that may be} i could search a lifetime and come up emptyhanded. Is there something inside of me i havet found thats preventing me from finding love or have i just overlooked one too many girls who’ve caught my eye.

ha. i was reflecting today. i read alot. i worked alot. im drained.

anyway… so i was thinking of the innocence i experienced as a child. i remember going to wedding events as a lil boy all decked out in his little overalls and a little polo. i had brilliantly white hair that was carefully parted to one side. anyway i remember everyone would feverishly kiss me and hug me and all the family members would just show me endless amounts of affection (italians obviously). i, by the way, wanted nothing more than to left alone and thought of as a tough guy. i wanted nothing to do with being kissed as a boy. so i struck up deals and began charging people per kiss. ha. thinking back on that i laughed to myself. i was no more than lets say 5. i mustve collected well over a hundred big ones during every event surrounding those years. i was a lil business man.

quote of the day:
“The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance. It is the illusion of knowledge.”
aka. no one knows it all. dont think you know it all. youll never grow.

life is good. im reading alot. like always when i read i feel enlightened. im currently motivated. my heart still hurts from self inflicted wounds. i dont know why im so afraid of being hurt. im constantljy trying to protect myself. ive been making great leaps and bounds in my emotional journey as well as my psychological and mental journies. it sucks to be unsure of yourself. i resolve to make it a point to be sure of myself, my commitments and feelings and everything else i have control of. im really upset at myself for the mistakes ive made in teh past. i have a really hard time forgiving myself. and in turn it sorta makes it impossible to forgive other people. and i really wish i could be friends with this one girl in particular but ive pushed her away pretty good. itd be a miracle if she was ever receptive to me again. and the thought of that hurts. cause damn. i still love her and always will. in any case im developing as a person rather greatly. im not disappointed in myself whatsoever. i dont wish to be any other way rigth now. ive never been so open and ambitous to dreams and success. time is the only thing i struggle with. i want transformation over night and it doesnt happen that way. i just need to be consistent and continually work on myself to become the best person this world will ever encounter, despite past present and furture obstacles. love.

well. however incredibly financially unstable i see myself at the moment, im consciously alright with it. i seem to have found a ray of positivity thats created enlightened outlook for me. hm. so ive got a good attitiude. i feel confident in my abilities and somewhat driven. i feel this way when i take action. my god. ACTION. it gets me off. being PRO active. holllyyyy. thats the stuff i live for. anything thats gonna progress me in any manner, may it be mental and even physical. i just need to be consistent with these optimistic spurts of joy and clarity. hm. i dunno. right now its all good. dont worry. dont hate. dont fear. and dont procrastinate. as long as i subconsciously avoid these things i will succeed to the highest level.

and ive been thinking about god lately. excuse me. God. that dude. that energy. that entity. God is a lifestyle. its a spiritual lifestyle. im convinced that materialistic and tangible pleasures are going to leave me feeling, and probably everyone else thats ever tried to find attainable happiness in those things, completely unstatisfied and even drive me crazy chasing them. i think the only real satisfaction can be found in a spiritual world. and i think if you are spiritually healthy that maybe, just maybe, the physical world we swim in will get a little more pleasant. i say that a little sarcastically almost because i believe itll get alot better if youre spiritually in tune. anyway.

alot more than that but its all good for now. i miss relationships. some people just like disappearing and running off and im not in a position to chase, more or less, after them.they know im here.

psh.

im sorta frustrated with myself. i wanna think myself out of it. or convince myself out of it but it seems like i dont want to or im not fed up enough with with current situation that i wanna do anything about it. god i dont trust people and its a fuckin problem. i shouldnt give a shit and just live in my own little world but i do too much. i wanna getr really angry and rash. start violently rampaging. but im not. friends are shitty. i have this one friend whos my bro… and ive always looked out for him.. and he looks out for me back. but he’s got me really pissed right now. he cheated on this girl whos really sweet. and its who he cheated on her with thats shitty. i cant even get into it really. whatever. i dont care. ill leave it be. i dont want drama. um. im pissed at my motivation levels. at my ambition levels. at my processing levels. i am really just aggrivated with myself and the lack of initiative and enthusiasm. i need to get on it.

im bad at reading girls. i really dont know what the hell they want unless they go outright and say it. and im sorry if i dont read between the lines. they act like im paying attention to every detail they throw in there… when in reality im in my own happy little world. anyway.

i love women. but they are crazy. i am drunk. and i love love. and i hate when they dont reciprocate. i have work in like 4 hours. shitty as hell. i love girls. um surf. alot. cause it puts coarse hair on your bosoum.if thats how its spelled. and i was at my hangout place tonight. i broke up around.. uim… 5 seperate fights. no joke. i was getting swung at and spit on. just for trying to make peace. whatever. loser dudes like fighhting unecessary drunk fights. psh. my homies were there. hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

tropical storm ernesto proved to be fairly disappointing. although, however, it did provide some swells for some surfing pleasure. whatev. i am frustrated.