tropical storm ernesto proved to be fairly disappointing. although, however, it did provide some swells for some surfing pleasure. whatev. i am frustrated.
fuck you. you dont know shit. you think you know shit. your absolutely void of all character and anything moral. you contradict yourself and your intentions. you disgrace your own body and you lacerate your mind with unecessary trash. you whore yourself out to the masses and hide behind a hideous good soul. bitterness and resent follow your everyfootstep. burn in your simple ideology. bathe in your pride. you disgust me with your pompous attitude and thoughtless quips. where are you going? where will you end? think about that. think about where your going. because no one else important does.
i dont enjoy work. im not myself there. too much pressure. too much headache. i feel like alot of the management and some of the people i work with are a joke. dont get me wrong there i do enjoy some people there, and i find everyone interesting but its not my scene. i dunno. i need the money, even tho the moneys not really there right now. F it. ive just been under pressure with bills and money and really self conscious and full of anaxiety lately. i get this shit every once and awhile. nothin too prolonged but enough where i get uncomfortable and have to write about it to acknowledge it and move on. anywho. agh. im talking to this girl. shes crazy. i dont care about her alot, and thats only because i make myself not give a shit about her. deep inside i probably care too much but dealing with it is too much trouble when you have the option not to care. i am starting a new approach that incorporates caring. and seeing past her flaws, which are bountiful. eh. dunno if itll work but im tired of sitting around with no one. boo.
i went to a toga party. it was pretty rad.
so enough partying yadda yadda. im going to be a personal trainer. personally training people to get in amazing shape. its on. im getting my cetification. itll be on. that’ll get me through school and be a source of income i can always rely on. so thats cool.
and lifting in going good. i weigh close to 190. which is awesome. cheers.
i partied way too much this week. its catching up to me and for some reason im still crawling and it hurts.ive gotta make myself totally sober for a week. i had outta control experiences this past week. and for everyone who was there to share them with me you know what im talkin about. its wearing on my health and commitments this partying is. i dont like it one bit. im struggling to find motivation to go to the gym. i was doinng sooo good too. damnnnnnnnn. alright. reevaluate mike. stick it out. just get in there. eat right motherfucker. stop drinking beer like its a staple food product of survival. and you’d think like i was starving the way i ferociously pound beer after beer. ewwwww. it makes my stomache quesy. ive had that quesy stomache feeling all week. ive been horny as shit lately. im not gonna hide it anymore. ive been coming to certain relizations about being modest. usually im modest with my intentions. but im gonna start throwing it out there and snag a few. i need to quench that sexual desire. summer is almost done. its like… almost done. everyone leaving and sheeet. i hate it. all my peeps are dispersing once again. *tear* im sure ill make it through all right. whatev. good times this summer. especially the past month. shits been goin off like crazyyyyyyyy. holla.
my anxiety kills me. it eats at my insides. whyyyyyyyyyyy
GODDAMN AUTOMATIC TRANSFERS AND BEING IN DEBT AND FUCKIN CAR PAYMENTS AND FOOD AND CELL PHONE BILLS AND FUCKIN DRINKING AND GAS PRICES AND MAKING A SHITTY WAGE. FUCK THIS WORLD.
go to college.
um. my heart is my own. ive officially got smart enough to keep it close and protect myself. eh. im not gonna humor you with enough attention where your satisfied, ladies.
ive got a big heart. some girl will be covered in a everlasting love one day. unconditional. not judgemental. just love. she’ll be real lucky. ive got alot of that to offer. but not to everyone. which is why. no i dont fuck you. if i did that id be spreading my love thin. it would be meaningless. and that one girl i loved, well id be selling her short. i got drunk tonight. still am. i had an awesome time. there are alot of prospectable girls out there. er still havent found her. but it means theres hope.
cant wait to go to college.
i never give up. if i gave up i would resort to being braindead and resume the all too often state of one dimesia. im pretty deep and i think that scares people. or people are just dumb and arent ready for a serious conversation. maturity needs to take place before those people, more specifically women, realize this. get over insecurities damnit. stop being hard. putting up those walls. be open. and willing. and go for it. and i dont mean for me. i mean for every good guy out there that you have in the back of your mind but your afraid to open of for some stupid reason. cause youve been hurt. well get over the past and help yourself out. if you feel an urge and an attraction, be rael and act upon to see if its genuine. if you dont youll have to live with regret.
sexual impulse. that shit is hard to control.
friends are wierd. as i get older i feel as if friends grow more and more distant. things seperate us. the only people close to me are the people who make the effot to stay close. it doesnt matter how much we click, its how much we need the other person. i love my friends. even the ones who dont need me so much. and for the people that i dont need so much… i love you guys too.
I think too much. Thinking is what gets me into trouble. Its where i confuse myself. i think its all the drugs ive done. Ive littered my mind with so much drugs.. and useless thinking that its hard to stay focused on the things that have any importance. its do-able, but difficult nonetheless. I want to be a whore. but i have too much respect for myself. or i wanna protect myself from any skanky whores. and my little heart. and at timesi dont give a shit. and i compromise myself slutting myself out to a girl who i think will do it for me. but im over that. i have to live with the regret. i wish the regret would go away. time time.
are you happy? did you champion all you set out to accomplish in the microcosmic world you set up for yourself in your head? do you have enough? are you popular enough? did you party hard enough? smoke enough? drink enough? do enough lines? pop enough pills? reach the point of ecstasy you thought youd need to complete your life? did you kiss enough? fuck enough? did you get all the sex that you thought would make you happy? all the attention? are you efficient enough? do you work enough? enough to gather all the worldly materialistic possessions you thought would bring you to the pinnacle of happiness? are you crazy enough? original enough? are you cooool enough? do you have everyone youve ever met praising your coolness? are you knowledgeable enough? do you read enough? is your vocabulary large enough? impressive enough? is your IQ enough to get you where you need to go? want to go? are reasonable enough? you are you smart enough? smart enough to come up with wit and quips that you thought everyone adored in a person? are you funny enough? do people think your deep enough? enough to sooth their troubled heart and heavy head? or explore the subconscious depths of thier mind when they talk to you? are you easygoing enough to bring anyone and everyone to ease? is your profile designed and structured… enough? do you have enough friends? internet buddies? do you look good enough? is your hair cool enough? your smile? eyes? ears? nose? chin? body? arms? legs? gut? are you gentically enough? do you impress enough? are you good enough?
have you ever had enough? only to realize its never enough?
enough adj 1Sufficient to meet a need or satisfy a desire; adequate
what the fuck is everyone looking for? why the fuck is EVERYONE SEARCHING? FOR WHAT? WHat is everyone searching for? WHY? why do people give up? cause maybe your looking in all the wrong places.um…i do it.
LISTEN TO ME IF YOU READ THIS
If you keep doing what your doing YOULL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOUR GETTING
does that make sense? um. how about be real. with yourself and others. and give up searching in temporary things. things that are subject to change. search for truth and goodness. they never change.
aand that was my mind.
and i feel bad for way too many people. and at times sadly enough… myself. cause i know better.
I opened my eyes. I looked down. i chopped my legs off today. i started biting my nails and worked my way done to my elbow. i grinded my teeth until they chipped and cracked. i bit my tongue and started choking on the blood as it clotted in my throat. i held my breath until i passed out on my face, breaking my nose, my jaw. i woke in a puddle of blood and vomit where i began choking. my face turned purple and my lips blue. i was stark and pale.bodily excretions and excrements covered me. I turned over to lay on my back and gasped for air. i pulled out a cigarette and held it between my cracked bloody lips. i lit it and inhaled. Fire. Burning. Pain. Shooting down my throat where it burned my lungs like brimstone. my gums, now even more agitated, began spewing all the more blood. It seeped slowly into my throat. i violently convulsed in a coughing fit. it rained blood. i put my hand into my pocket and pulled out a fist of razors. i began cutting my forhead. etching. deep. blood ran into my eyes.
i opened my eyes wider. im ok. i grasped the toilet seat with one hand and using the last bit of fleeting energy and strength, lifted myself and sat up. i slammed my head backwards in frustration. My skull cracked against the tile. electric pain overcame the numbness and my world was black. i could hear dripping. i was soaked. in blood. the last bit of life i retained was running into the toilet, already filled with shit and piss.
you think you have it bad.
i tried opening my eyes. my world was black. i was delusional. with index and forefinger i plunged into my eyesocket securing a firm grip on my eye. i pulled hard, against everything that told me not to. i heard a tear and a pop. and i pulled harder. with ease like unraveling a sweater i continued to pull until every vein and artery were disconnected. i felt warmth run down my face, my chin. down my body.
This is hell.
life is one big ball of wreckless hairy twisted rolling shit.
life is a beautiful flowing sweet happy rolling breeze.
they both seem true.
Today i expended energy. I was constructive in a physical sense. I was lacking in building up my mental and spiritual departments. Why does this bother me? my head feels burnt.
marvelous. simply marvelous. i have indigestion of the heart. its rather uncomfortable. Im working towards a groove of happiness. i can almost taste its richness. i went out tonight. against my will. i went to a local bar. i had a few beers. i saw some people that made me smile. wretched cigarettes. its a habit that im still hunting. i thought i killed it.
i hate over analyzing. its pointless when you arent documenting your finds and logic. i feel useless when i sit there and analyze. alot of good it does me. i forget it within a few days and so i repeat the process. taking it in.i deduct some logical assumptions. every now and then something monumental strikes me. i call them epiphanies. no longer do i sit around and wait for something to motivate me. i motivate myself through an altered train of thought. its a good thing. is that something you wait for? do you decide to have an epiphany? do you consciously realize that you in fact could change for the better? i suppose i wait for enough courage to test it out… rather than thinking through every possible scenario aka analyze somemore. anyway. rambling.
My lovly locks are no longer with me. ive been cut down to a few meer inches of bristle. whatev.
tomorrow i have a few chores to do… then the BEACH! yay.
i am totally warped. i spent the past week in jersey. visiting old friends and rehashing old habits. Im totally over old habits. im sick to the stomach right now. i cannot stand anymore sickening monotany. i need some change in my head. im on this endless search for a pool that never wakes or trembles. i need everlasting tranquility in my head. im tired of cluttered space. i cant think straight. i dont wanna be someone im not. and im tired of trying not to be offensive… or overly considerate to people. i need to just worry about being myself. ugh. i sat in the airport terminal for six hours today. i watched people and wrote in my journal. the people really made me think about where everyone was going. why. when. why. how. i pretended like i knew them and a fewtimes struck conversation. alot of people. alot of perspectives. alot of realities. when i was all alone at the baggage claim, after everyone had deserted the area, i opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. the drafty terminal was deathly quiet. after abotu two hours of being all alone… except for the incessant rapping of my thoughts.. i decided to explore. upon passing some automatic sliding glass doors a chime sounded, followed by a pleasant voice “Hey! You look handsome today!” i paused midstride. wtf. i leaned back and listened again, not moving. a while later “Has anyone told you how great you look today!?”… backpack and luggage in hand, i stood there and soaked up about ten minutes worth of automated feel good responses. the airport actually has these.
whats this world coming to? we apparently dont hear it enough.. and its so necessary to our wellbeing and happiness that we’ve installed them in probably the most unhappiest places of all.
cool. collected. creative. smart. calm. comfortable.
my sleep patterns have degraded the past week.. as well as my eating patterns.
i havent shaven in about a week.
go to bed.
Monday, July 24, 2006
stuck in New Jersey
agh. i missed my flight. and i had to spend twice as much for another ticket. damn spirit and its shitty non-refundable cabin coach class tickets.
i decided i dont really like drinking at all. so i weigh the pro’s and con’s of drinking. pro’s: it loosens me up, i get very happy. con’s: hangovers.. which include extreme dehydration, nasuea, vomiting, poor sleep, headaches and other physical aching etc., plus its just bad for your body. bottomline is i should just be happy and be sober. alright. im not gonna be a bitch. i enjoy beer and alcohol a whole lot. but waking up half retarded is not my idea of a good time. anyway.
i went to the improv in cityplace last night. it was HILARIOUS. whats this guys name… jake something… (www.jakethis.com).. he was a riot. i had too much to drink there. damn long islands kick the hell outta ya. i remember my card didnt accept when i tried paying the bill.. which really really pissed me off. i had to barrow money from a friend and although its not that big of deal i hate barrowing crap. so anyway. who knows why it didnt go through. i immediately checked to see if i had money in my account and it was plenty full. whatever.
i woke up at like 630 this morning feeling like i was raped and beaten. 4 hours of sleep is not enough for me… or anyone. and then going to work. ugh. alright. so im gonna take a nap today. its beautiful out. i should chill at the pool. or beach. beach. waves. hm.
im going to new jersey for five days next week. i leave tuesday get home saturday. im super pumped. ill be staying with my bro jeff at his shorehouse. HOLLA.
Act AS IF. the law of attraction. whatever fills your mind you will attract it. you know. vibrations and what not? like… positive thinking. if you think positivly all the time… how can negetive things happen to you? they cant. if you send out good vibes you’ll get good vibes in return. Act as if you got it together and you will have it together. i know its a little deeper than that but ive been thinking alot about that stuff lately and its good things for people who want to succeed to dwell on.
im so tired right now. im gonna nap.
i piss myself off. i dont like drifting through life. i like having a drive. i like having motives. i like creating and energizing. whenever i find myself drifting i really get down.
recently i realized i dont have a dream. my dads this motivational slash consultantant slash businessman slash a bunch of crap. anyway. he’s all about knowing what to do and doing it right. so ive recently become receptive to his methods seeing he’s always got where he wants to be and seeing how i never really get to where i wanna be i thought id be a good bit of sense to take his. anyway
we sat down and he started talking to me. and basically we were trying to figure out what i really want to live for, what my dreams are. what keeps me waking up, the thing that keeps me motivated and passionate. and for the damned of me i couldnt figure out what the hell my dreams were. i mean. what the fuck do i wanna do with myself. am i retarded. mike. what the F do you want from this life. i wanna help people. i wanna perfect my character to flawless…. and wait. as im saying these things i realize im afraid to say dreams that pop into my head. i have these fears that keep me from exploring the possibility of other dreams unexplored. i suppose i feel like im not qualified to have those dreams. maybe they arent something that people might approve of as being realistic. maybe i consider them unreal and they might change over night. ill tell you what. ive had this thing for writing. ive always wanted to be a writer. why? i suppose its an amazing tool that allows you to ultimately express oneself. hm. i dunno. maybe im catching on to something. ugh. what
alright. this dream thing is gonna take me awhile to really unearth.
so like. the past week. lemme tell ya. its been pretty outta control. i mean. pretty outta control. ive really been loose on the whole drinking thing. most people (it seems to me anyway) dont think its a huge thing to drink five days in a row. i mean. the sound of it sorta makes you wanna judge. but then again most people do this and dont take the time to realize it. anyway anyway. i dont like the fact that ive been drinking so much. ive been able to go to the gym despite this little detail, but ive noticed that my training progress has suffered as a result. im not making the gains i expected the last week. hm.
ive really excommunicated myself from alot of people. ive become pretty picky as to whom i hang out. i guess for alot of reasons. but who knows. maybe i dont want to be influenced. maybe i just wanna pretect myself. maybe i would like to maintain my comfort level. i dunno. sometimes i consciously wanna lose my mind. ive done it so many times before. literally just given up on everything. myself people jobs school… and just reset my mind and become infatuated with rewriting my head with a routine and a mindset that allows me to express myself to the utmost farout creative level.
i really havent been feeling that great. its not that ive been feeling bad… im just going through the motions ive established for myself. i set up a routine for myself and now im just existing, constantly reminding myself that routine and discipline will teach me valuable lessons. but for some reason im beginning to doubt this train of thought and its very gloomy. i now find myself sort of lost and helpless. nevertheless i’ll remain sane and continue to seek alternative methods of satisfying my inner hunger for more. i need to regurgitate some verve in my life. id like to start thinking a bit more in depth and maybe a bit more abstractly once again. i abandoned that thinking awhile ago because no matter how soothing it was at the time to voice these revelations and discoveries, it made my life cluttered and too detailed to the point where i would begun questioning every thought and analyzing every detail. this made me a bit anxious. and my goal is life is to be anxiety free. that shit sucks. poop.
im tired. eating microwaved sweetpotatoes and chicken three times a day is already getting old. my goal is to put on some serious mass so all my energy and focus is being expended on that little objective. 185 is a goal of mine. 10lb increase. no too impossible. my work is so damn boring. jakes going to europe. im jealous as hell. oh shit. ive always wanted to do some martial arts and its gotten to the point where im tired of putting it off. it seems that this is the best opprotunity to try it out. ive got plenty of time on my hands and very limited commitments elsewhere. jeet kune do. thats the shit i wanna learn.
its wednesday night. no work tomorrow. im considering going out tonight. if i dont. i wont be upset for some reason. im really looking forward to seeing some waves soon. ive been so busy its hard to find time to surf. um. hurricane season. looking forward to the hurricanes. woot.
i was getting tired of posting blogs on myspace. people dont give a shit to look at any of that stuff. i just need to write and let go sometimes. so um. here i am. ive been very thoughtful lately. i dont know if thats good or bad, but ive been really delving into things. its pretty unnecessary. ive been thinking alot. im so over so much shit. im tired of dick people who dont take thier time to get to know anyone. i like meeting everyone. and what i dont like is the people who dont give any thought to anyone else but themselves. alot of people like that lately. whatever.
my moms going to jersey for the summer, my sisters leaving for college soon, my younger sisters never around. so that leaves my dad and i alone in this house. not that im gonna ever see him cause he travels and works more than anyone ive ever met, but its a potentially scary situation. we’ll see tho. everyone that i remained close with the past year has moved the fuck away. mostly college. and everyone else i use to keep in touch with just disappeared. i dont do drugs so i keep myself from people that put me in those compromising situations. i dunno. i decided to pick my friends instead of having them around for convenience. so i only have like… very few now. my choice. the people i happen to surround myself with are the best people ive met so its straight. ive had alot of free time for good stuff like lifting, getting in shape, eating really good stuff. um. jakes gonna be my lifting partner for the next two months so im stoked about that. i started playing my guitar alot more. it feels good to write music again. dino fuckin belli left me. it sucks. im gonna visit him. colorado. nice place.
heavy heavy low low is amazing.
im so tired i have one eye open.
going to bed.
you dont know me
I felt like typing and sharing a lot:
know yourself. Know your goals. Dont look around you when youre trying to get somewhere. It slows you down and you get sidetracked. Look around when you get there. I promise it’ll be a far better view.
I dont recommend investing your time in people who dont know you and you dont know. Im not saying its not worth it on occasion, and every once in a great while you might find yourself someone whose very compatible, genuine and caring, but by and large your wasting your time. They pull you down. Very rarely do they bring you up. And the people who are good for you, they dont need you around. You need them around. They dont owe you anything. You need to strive to be like them. You need to make yourself a better person so that maybe you can contribute to their life like they contribute to yours.
Know yourself. I’ve dealt with addiction. Massive addictions. That range from thoughts, to substance, to people. Ive failed miserable and hit bottom more than most people even can dream about. The last six years of my life have been… a learning experience. I could say absolute hell, but what kind of attitude would that be. It would be accepting the bad. And I dont see it as that anymore. I see it as Ive learned through my mistakes what works, what doesnt. (ThankGod) what it takes to get yourself from point A to point B and everything in between. I was dysfunctional for most of high school. When I say dysfunctional I mean, my head was in the clouds. I obsessed over materialistic, tangible resources that led me down a horrible path of destruction. I have done it all. Ive succeeded at a monumental level; Ive failed at a disgraceful level. Not many people realize the peaks and valleys of my life. Not normal whatsoever. But who is. I’m not some overly vain kid whose got it figured out and thinks that my life deserves anymore attention than anyone else on the earth, cause thats the farthest from the truth. Instead Im saying that Im proud that Ive learned from my misfortunes. If I didnt I would be where I was in the beginning. Lost. Confused. Fearful. Desperate. Selfish. Slowly dying. Im actually saying that I feel for people that dont learn the first time.
It took me awhile to grasp the concept of learning from your mistakes. I thought that I always had the right idea; I just took the wrong plan of action. And Id repeat the same idea, and fail time and time again. Getting worse and worse. I was lost in severe depression for a great deal of my adolescent life. I struggled with sever suicidal ideation and severe self mutilation for years. I was institutionalized far too many times. I was actually committed by the state for months and months, which cost me dearly in high school education. Ive been in inpatient. Outpatient. More psychologists and more psychiatrists than you can find in the yellow pages. Ive been prescribed EVERY medication know to man for anxiety, depression, bipolar/manic depressive behavior, delusional behavior, ADD. I self medicated in between. Cause nothing really worked. I became addicted to pretty much… you name it. I fell in love with every drug. Mixed and matched them all. Ive been in love with all drugs. Save a few (thank god). And only because I didnt have those connections. I tried everything. I didnt know who I was or what I was doing on this earth for the longest time. I was disillusioned. I was handicapped. Totally lost in my mind. I had no idea what to do with myself. Ive had the misfortunes of being homeless. Poor. Starving. I was put in a position to contradict my character and morals with out of control behavior. Ive been in fights, brawls, cheap shots, jumps. The good, bad, justified, unjustified, rational, and irrational.
And all these things Ive repeated multiple times in one way of another.
On the contrary, Ive been an A student. Ive achieved academically and have been very successful. Honors and advanced placement throughout high school. Etc. Ive thought outside the box most of my life and have been rewarded for it. Been chosen to represent class opinions, Ive been in countless clubs, student government. Ive been a winning athlete whos competed at state levels in pretty much every sport Ive tried. Ive mastered the arts, I was a year round athlete my entire life, save the last two years of high school. Ive been to three high schools in three states. I attended an all boys military boarding school. I lived on my own for a year my sophomore year there. It taught me invaluable lessons and discipline. I excelled tremendously there. Being rewarded for your efforts was always my goal.
Ive moved 12 times in six states and attended 11 different schools. (6 elementary, 2 middle, 3 high schools… but maybe 4 or 5 if you want to include the classrooms provided in the institutions.. and outpatient) a lot of schools. A lot of people. A lot of relationships. I must say, as an important interjection to better understand my upbringings… I had two of my closest friends commit suicide. I had a suicide pact with one of my best friends. He died. my close family, childhood, and high school friend also died by his own hand less than four years later. Both by hanging. I was raised in a fascist Christian militaristic household with rules and repercussions. With the motto “if it hurts, its cause we love you” constant strife within the house. My father on top of never being there due to his workaholic 80 hour a week work habits was the household disciplinarian. I translate: torture and cruel and unusual punishment. Relationships within the house were nonexistent. He is an incredible brilliant man. Graduated from the United States naval academy with a bachelor’s in Aerospace engineering. aka. Rocket scientist. Hes worked for multi billion dollar corporations, headed multi million dollar businesses, owned successful small businesses. Hes consulted all types of companies. And is on his constant search for infinite wealth. Investing is where its at. Hes tried real estate, and now hes trying the most successful money making business Network marketing. All this being said…. hes a blind, self righteous, bastard. He doesnt know his family. Hes insensitive and he works every waking moment. Why. Who knows. And he doesnt care about any of this cause… its not true. Hell argue… but thats apart of the selfrighteousact. Anyway….. My mother was loyal and supportive. And still is. They have both simmered down, a miracle, but due largely to the fact that their son was slowly dying and they were no help.
Ive been involved in and out of relationships and women my whole life. Always looking for someone to make me happy. Never happened.
Ive fallen in true utter love only once in my mind. It pains me to see that I gave myself to that person for so long. The best and worst feelings in my life. I suppose I put my faith in that person…which was a horrible thing to do. Too much pressure for them. My head wasnt on straight. I was crazy and looking for love and happiness. I searched for women that would fill my void. I wasnt real. I didnt know who I was. I was super selective with who I became attracted to. I always learned to love them. And it was always based on the publics approval. But once upon a time I saw this girl. And I instantly knew she would be mine. I told my parents the day I saw her. I was in love from the start. Needless to say it was messy from the beginning. Wasnt meant to be I suppose. I never felt so good in my life when I was with her. I loved her more than Ive ever loved any girl in comparison. I still love her. I forgive her for everything. Shes awesome. Love hurts though. The worst part about it is loving someone that much… and realizing you should let them go. And letting them go. And pushing them because it hurt so badly. All willingly out of love. They deserved the best and I knew I wasnt that for them. At that time anyway… anyway….
anyway. The past few years, more specifically the past year, Ive learned more about myself than ever before. And in part due to my willingness to succeed… but more importantly… be content and happy and joyful. And after years of failing I realized I was doing something wrong. I am realizing you have a responsibility to yourself. You cant sell yourself short. If you do. You will always… be unhappy. Dont settle for the now. Dont worry about what you have to have now. Worry about what your going to need in the future… cause your gonna want it… and the pain the regret weighs tons compared to the pain of discipline which weighs ounces in comparison.
God has played an incredible role in my life. Without him I am a lost. He is my comfort, my joy, my guidance, my security, my confidence. My everything. I am utterly lost without him. I would be alone in the dark by myself. I always thought it was about structure and rules and sins and punishment and RELIGION. ew. That scares me.
Now I wont get into it… ill save it for another Blog… but…
ive come to realize its just about having Faith. Faith that he is real and all powerful, all knowing, all loving. Omnipotent. Omniscient. Omnipresent. And when you put your faith into him… you start a relationship. If you believe in the relationship… your life will be changed forever. God is Good.
last night i was at a party. had a good time. it was real fresh. keg, friends etc.,
well this kid, who officially earned the title loser last night, that has major issues showed up to this party. i got into a confrontation with him a week before as a result of his irrational behavior. i took it upon myself to let him know what was up. apparently he got offended and swore revenge on me. this kid is a little piece. he has no idea who i am. he shows up to this party, an hour passes. he gets his friends rallying up with him and confronts me. shaking, obviously nervous as hell asks if i remember who he was. no shit i remember. he wants to fight me. if anyone knows me i dont like fighting. but everyone that knows me knows that when i fight i go into a passionate animal survival beast mode and beat the living fuck outta whoever is attacking me and happily accept any and all pain that comes with fighting and even getting your ass kicked. and ive done this far too many times. i was at a party to have a good time. i didnt want to fight. he was a loser. he acted stupid. wasnt even worth it to me. well he made it worth it when in his last desperate feeble attempt to make up for his extremely worthless behavior and attempted to spit in my face. instantly i wanted to rip his head off and shit down his throat and only gods gracing prevented me from wasting him. instead i didnt do anything. and everyone at the party made sure he knew he was acting like a fuckin loser and told him to leave. that all being said, i didnt have personal issues with this kid before that night. thats all changed and he’s made it to my list of kids that are gonna get it real bad if they ever show their face to me again.
i consider myself an overly considerate person. ill be ok with feeling uncomfortable and at times compromising myself for other people when i feel like they really need it. im not a push over. i get really irritated when people are inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful, thoughtless, and unapologetic (on top of countless other things) i do however sit back and wait for these things to compile in my mind before i say or do anything. im not really sensitive, only sensitive to other people. sometimes this works. sometimes you get burned. either way i dont see it as im missing out on much. im not the kind of person who longs for things are arent good. and anyone of those traits i hardly deem good. Id much rather abandon such things and move on to something better. so thats what i do. give people lots of chances. and than bam. pz. stop wasting my time if you cant figure it out.
im very content right now.
i was watching the thunderstorms and the clouds recently and it allowed me to really appreciate life and its beauty.
the people who allow the mind to escape into the dark corners of insight gain an infinite glimpse of knowing themselves in a far better light than those who remain comfortable with thier weak candle of comfort.
i was at a really cool party on jupiter island. lots of cool kids. and if you were there and youre reading this you know it was a good time. um… i dont remember passing out, which means i was probably over my limit… oh wait.. definately over the limit, and i woke to sunlight purging my room.I sat up to better aquaint myself with the surroundings. As I looked out the glass window of the room there was the most brilliant ocean I’ve ever seen (not that i havent seen an ocean but how often do you open your eyes to the beach). anyway. it was awesome… opening my eyes to an amazingly beautiful day… in an awesome house…no less on the beach.
Friday, May 26, 2006
choose your friends
I Love everyone..
Show me your friends, and I’ll show you what kind of person you are.thats very true. i ask myself if my friends are my friends out of convenience or because they really care about my well being? do i have to strive do to right, to be a better person, or have goals in order to keep my friends? do my friends even care? Do i choose my friends or do i let them choose me? What kind of friends do you want? I want people that motivate me. I want people that strive on knowledge and wisdom and learning and success. I want that to rub off on me. I want people that think. That are decisive. That aren’t confused. That aren’t satisfied with minimum effort. Who dont worry. Who dont procrastinate. Who have goals. Who aren’t lazy. Who enjoy life. Who love life. Who appreciate everything. I wanna be around people who are constantly thinking. Who are problem solvers. Who think positively.
Ive had alot of friends. Ive had alot of good friends. Ive had alot of bad friends. I thank God for everyone. They all taught me something. They taught me one of two things. The right way to do something. And the Wrong way to do something. I know enough of what doesnt work.
I’m looking for the people who know what works.
Monday, May 22, 2006
a happy person
A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
Lifes up and down and all around and Im not ready to settle on deciding that life is one way or the other. Im really content right now exploring new things and new people and pushing myself in a direction that calls for discipline and self-control.
Ive abandoned the short roads that addiction and abuse lead you. Ive called myself to a task of finding out how powerful my will is and how far am I willing to go with and for myself. I’m my only fan. There is no one else pushing me. No one wakes me up in the morning. I dress myself. If these things are learned and automatic I think I am more than able to incorporate a variety of valuable success tools into my life that can become just as mastered.
I’ve learned in my life that there is absolutely no absolute. Life is not one way. Its whatever and however you choose to see it. You consciously and probably more often subconsciously decided whats good and whats bad. I’ve decided that my failures are the farthest thing from bad. I’ve failed more times in my life than the majority of the people Ive met. I’ve had more opportunity thrown away because of my shortsightedness than most people are willing to hear.
What I know now is I want nothing more than to never make the same mistake twice. I want to learn from my failures. I see that the more I fail, the more I learn. The key is to keep your focus on your goal and success. andddddddd blah blah blah.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
We must all suffer from one of two pains: The pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The pain of discipline weighs ounces while the pain of regret weighs tons. Think on that, and put your priorities where they need be.
Monday, May 08, 2006
I came to grips with the fact that I’m alright when people lie to me. It’s not in my hands and I’m not thier conscious. I think no less of them than the person they always were. I realize, however, I need to be a little more cautious with who i surround myself with. A friend is only a friend when they’re there when you need them.
OOoo. and i saw Lynard Skynard. so I’m totally aware that this isn’t the original band, (1977 plane crash) but it was AMAZING music nonetheless. cheers.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
winners never quit, quitters never win.
Everyday I find myself staring at opportunity. Everyday I’m cornered by my conscious. I’m all alone with myself and I haven’t the strength to fight back. Its not your setbacks, but your comebacks that count. I dont really know what that means. I’ve allowed myself to slip into a complacent state of gray. I fear nothing but failure, and failure has me in the heaviest dregs a man can lift. I find myself in a greater fear of living than of any death imaginable. I ask myself if this is normal. I ask myself if I’m okay with this. Manipulation has ruined me.