Author: William

So I’m retaking the SAT’s…. its been six years since I’ve taken them. They’ve changed a little. I’m not looking forward to studying… I got about two weeks to study every day. I estimate I’ll need to study a minimum of 4 hours every day to achieve the test score I need. Discipline. Do I have it??

I had a dream. I’ve been having some weird ones lately. Last nights was crazy. It was about my summer job. I was working with a bunch of my friends and we were just thrown out onto the book field. We talked to people as we went house to house. They were cool. It was bizzare. I can’t put everything that happened into words.

I know this kid. He’s an alcoholic. His face in my dream was really red. You know how an alcoholics face gets… all red from the caustic properties of the ethanol. His face was peeling. Almost like sunburn. He was all hungover. A total wreck.

Last night I went to a restaurant/club with my friend… it was called… DadA’s. The DJ played very cultured and awesome music. One band… The Brian Jonestown massacre… very awesome & highly recommended. Good times.

I need to work out. Its been many months. Like two. Which is totally unsat. Its disgusting. I ran the other day and have been biking but its no replacement for some metal free weights. I feel like I put on a few pounds… A first in my life. Many would say I looked better than ever, that I look normal… and that the really fit, muscular look was unattractive. I think those people are on crack. Since when was being in shape unattractive? I don’t need bulging muscles… but I do need to be lean and cardiovascularly competent. hmph.

alright… quick entry… its been awhile. This wont do my break justice… I’ve done so much. I still have another 2+ weeks of break. Sooo busy. Busy applying to schools… Got accepted as an official candidate for the United States Naval Academy. Need to get a congressional nomination. Need to finish scholarship applications. etc.,

Goin to a club in deerfield in about… ooh. 3 min. My friends pickin me up. Hes a pro drummer and gets access to all the club action. some guys payin for his tab for helpin him set up his system.

best friends came down from jersey to visit. last thing in the world I wouldve expected. I literally jousted him with a dig. A semi- challenging comment regarding his spontanaity and risk taking experience. he too it to heart… convinced my other best friend… and drove 1200 miles to see me for new years. we got shit housed. went kayaking. too many details to put in here.

Oooo… I dropped my 500 GB external hard drive. each time i think about this I wanna cry. really cry. all my school work. all my essays. all 180 dvd movies i ripped. omg. but… I’ll get over it. Material possessions. Sic transit gloria mundi…. thus the worlds glory fades. in an moment.

I did too many drugs this break. Tooo much alcohol. I spent over a grand in about 2 weeks… strictly in alcohol and other adventures… clubs… women… etc.,

I’ll write more later…. HOPEFULLY!… hopefully with more detail. SOoo much goin on in my life right now. I’ll be leaving for a convention in TN in about 4 days. Huge pep convention for my job with Southwestern. Aight…

life is beautiful. I need to expand on such things. Its entirely too late to elaborate,

love.

My new favorite book. If you can handle it… check it out. Deep deep.

Lucy and I hung out yesterday. I need to remember to write all about that later.

Today is the anniversary of my friends death in 2003. He hung himself. December 17th. Odd. So many thoughts and feelings swirling about that days events.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anais Nin (1903 – 1977)

I love written language- Alexander Pope is amazing (reading ‘essay on criticism’. Words fail to paint the passionate esteem I hold for him.

I need to get this out of me. I have an exam in a couple of hours… I should… no… must be studying microecon… but I my plan is to journal these thoughts first.

There are no shoulds in life. At least… there should be not ‘should’s. How about… there must be not ‘should’s in life. There should only be ‘must’s’. Or how about… There must be only ‘musts’.

There is no shoulds. There is only musts.
There.

Anyway…

I have some questions I want to verify with research.
I think about these questions all the time… they’re the meat of what I mull over.

What role does the cognitive processes play on feelings?
or..How much of how we feel is dictated by cognitive processes?
What role does belief play in our feelings?
or How does belief dictate how we feel (physiologically or mentally)?

Do we think because we feel?
or do we feel because we think?
Are we feeling before we think? Or thinking before we feel?

We control do we have over our feelings?
What role does focus play in our feelings and thoughts (emotional/mental state of being)?

Ranting

Plains, Trains, and Plantains

This weekend has been fruitless. Hm. Not too much work done. I feel paralyzed. I know I’ll finish it all. Finals week is exhausting… just because of the sheer anxiety I carry around every waking moment.

I can’t wait to go home for break… read ALLLL DAY! ALL NIGHT! GOsh! I loveeee reading. I love me time. haven’t had any of that for..sheesh… wow… can’t remember.

I need to sleep. Study group nice and early tomorrow.

This break I’m working out again. I’m renewing the commitment to myself to lead the healthiest lifestyle possible. I need to take my vitamins. Be conscientious about what I eat. Eating regularly. Sleeping regularly. All of which have gone out the window. I also will be practicing will power. I’ve undermined mine this semester. Given in to the moment. I will write everyday. I will read every day. I will exercise. I will regain a balance in my life. I will do things I don’t want to do only because they build character. I will embrace it. yipee! Sleep. ZZzzz

not reading enough. hmph.

I am stressing. For a lot of reasons. My pride causes me to run from the pressures. I just found out a student loan was disapproved. I need to figure out a way to come up with $18,000 by next Friday for the past semesters payment. If I don’t, I don’t go to school next Spring, I owe $18,000, I can’t apply to another school because they won’t release my grades or transcripts. This is a major blow for me. And its happening during finals week. Not the best time to be dealing with the stake of your future.

My father is unbelievable. I don’t understand my family. ugh. I think they live in a fantasy world. or maybe its me? Either way, its causing immense dissonance.

We all think we’re going somewhere. Whether we’re getting any closer? Who really knows. The reality is: only we decide the answer.

***

at the end of the day, we judge what is, not what could be. We are judged by who we are, not what we could’ve been.

Its soo pretty out! I’m in Worcester Massachusetts spending time with the family. My best bro Jamie’s coming up tomorrow to hang out. We’re going into Boston, checking out the splendid urban life as well as some of my potential college prospects.

I’m looking outside and it couldn’t be prettier- blue skies, brilliant sunshine! Write more later!

What is great? I want to be great. My definition of great may not afford me the unconditional support of the masses, but I can still achieve it in my little world. Even better. What is great? Its whatever the public deems it to be. To be great- all we need to do is convince the world we are so.

There are so many famous unknowns in the world. Genius’s of all sorts of skills and trades with striking feats of creativity and accurate and precise thinking.

What makes people great? People make people great. If we can convince others we have what’s great- they think it’s great. Manipulation is what makes you a loser. It’s the opposite of great. Aka any demagogue or dictator who rallied up the masses and later spouted empty promises. No. Great men persuade, but they offer something in return. Something of sustenance. Something that keeps people alive.

If I want to be great- I only need to convince everyone around me that I am a rarity. That I am unique. That I am after their best interest. People are attracted to leaders. Those who know the way, go the way, and show the way. I want to provide people with direction.

Maybe the greatest people only had to convince key people they were great. And this caused a trickle effect. Everyone looked up to someone who looked up to that someone who looked up to that someone. And this reinforced the qualities of great they possessed. Maybe I’ve got it wrong. I only need to convince the people at the top, the people who currently hold the power and attention of the people.

Actions are payment for promises. Great men are men of action.

I like imagination. Imagination is fun. If you hone your skills well enough, you learn how to design and construct an ideal reality- free from illogicality but saturated with idealism.

I think feelings are the end all be all. Achieving feelings the feelings you want requires a bit of logic and reason. The heart and passions run free but that doesn’t mean they know where they’re going. They need to be directed. I am thoroughly convinced that how we feel, and how we feel about how we feel, is the essence of our life and what we call reality. Nothing else matters. The quality of my life, of your life, depends on how you feel about it. Not the facts (as if they’re objective anyway), but pure emotion. Funny things thoughts are. They are the seedling of these emotions. We plant these thought seeds deep in our brain and at just the appropriate times they become triggered and we respond with a feeling. We should be more careful with our thoughts. They are precious.

Knowing this we should choose only the best, only the highest, only the most lofty. Do not stray from reason and logic, but weigh the consequences of the logic. How will this train of thought, these sequence of thoughts, make me feel? Ignore any necessary thoughts. To do this, have goals and objectives. Know what success feels like, know what accomplishing these objectives looks like. Use your imagination. Construct a beautiful chord of thoughts and weave them together into a coherent dream. This dream is your future. Act as if it is already yours. It will be a struggle at first. Your mind always wants to find a balance. Its pains to grow and become something it is not. Press on. You will become your thoughts. Meditate on these thoughts. Play with them. Be the person you wish to be. Take no shortcuts. Saturate your soul with the feelings accompanying this desire. Act on every opportunity to actualize this desire and bring it closer to fruition.

Your thoughts are all you are. You, as a person, as a personality, are nothing more than your thoughts. Cherish this notion. Make use of it.

Choose your thoughts. Construct your world. Free yourself from the restraints, the limiting beliefs, the negativity, the weeds of confusion and doubt and worry. Cut off these weights and lift your head up high. Breath deep and take on the world. Charge after your desires. Act as if. This is your world. Perfection is attainable. Decide how you want to be. Decide you are capable. Always persist.

If you want to grow, do not change what thoughts you meditate on. Choose to change how you think about them.

Our thoughts are equations. Rewrite these equations. Pursue a more desirable output. Change the way you interpret your senses. Change the way you mull over information, the way you perceive truth, reason, the world around you.

Do not let anyone or anything take you down. You must look for motivation within yourself. You are always capable of choosing your thoughts. We are creatures of habit. Get in the habit of thinking good thoughts. These thoughts will comfort you in challenging times. They will act as reminders of your strength and courage and perseverance. Do not feed the negative thoughts that inhibit and destroy. That make you shirk from greatness. You are great. Be great. No one became successful by thinking they’d fail. You are the only person who decides how right you are. Decide to overcome. Decide to aim high. Decide you will be right.

While serving as a senator on the Student Government Association (SGA), I was exposed to many of the needs and concerns held by students on campus. Living on a small campus with 500 students, one need stuck out in particular. Each year more students were enrolled and study space became more limited as the library and study areas became crowded and more socialized. I saw that a real need existed for students who desired to achieve academic excellence, but were struggling to find quiet places to do so. Looking for opportunities to be a responsive, effective, and efficient leader, I organized the Pro-Action committee as part of the SGA. This group met with students and drew up proposals to advocate changes on behalf of the students. I recognized that the Drake Center for Academic Support (DCAS), a tremendous resource on campus, was being under utilized and created a plan that involved the DCAS and support from volunteer students to extend its operating hours from 9:00 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. The proposal was well received at first, but failed to find a way to find well qualified students that would have the integrity of monitoring the center and its technology, as well as being able to provide academic support through peer mentoring.
At the semester’s close I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa and decided to further develop my leadership skills by becoming actively involved with the society. I became a service officer and contributed to the creation and implementation of a variety of activities and events. The more I became involved the more I saw the power and potential that Phi That Kappa provided. As I became aware of the Phi Theta Kappa hallmarks and ideals, it occurred to my second semester in the spring of 2008 that Phi Theta Kappa would be a prime candidate for providing students to service as Peer Academic Mentors in the DCAS. Not only would Phi Theta Kappa be given an opportunity to develop their members through this program by pursuing a leadership role on campus, they’d be offering their services through scholarship as peer mentors and tutors. The students in Phi Theta Kappa were already achieving excellence in academics as well as character, perfectly suiting the requirements needed for DCAS monitors.
I drew up an initial proposal and submitted it to the Student Government Association as well as Phi Theta Kappa. This time I was met with great enthusiasm and was given permission to meet with the President of the college and the Vice President of Academic affairs to gain their approval and organize the program.
A year after its conception in the fall of 2007, the Phi Theta Kappa Peer Mentor program began effectively monitoring the Drake Center for Academic Achievement three nights a week as of September 2008 and has plans of expanding to five nights a week. Currently we staff three Phi Theta Kappa monitors to extend DCAS hours from 9:00 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. to monitor and upkeep a positive and comfortable work atmosphere. In the spring of 2009 we will be meeting with the President of the college and the Vice President of Academic Affairs to discuss tutoring/ coaching workshops for the Phi Theta Kappa DCAS mentors.
This program has been a success in more ways than I can state here. Because of our college’s extremely small size, growing student population, and remote location in the mountains in Vermont, students are limited to the confines of the campus to seek out suitable study locations. It has genuinely benefited the students that voiced their dire need for additional quiet study locations by providing a place free from distractions where students can retreat from the busy campus and find quiet solace in their studies.
From Phi Theta Kappa’s standpoint, this program has allowed them to fulfill the ideals and hallmarks of service, fellowship, scholarship, and leadership. Since I was elected and assumed presidency of Phi Theta Kappa for the fall of 2008, I have encouraged and watch students step outside themselves and grow as leaders by selflessly committing their time and energy to the program and what it stands for. As for my personal growth, I’ve had an extraordinary opportunity to learn about leading and inspiring people to achieve something positive. I was taught a great deal about how to delegate with superiors and facilitate plans with my peers. From conceiving a vision, to gathering support, to implementing a plan and sticking to it, I have yet to stop learning. Every day has been an opportunity to grow, and for that I am blessed.

Just as we believe that knowledge and understanding is infinite and unending, so I believe that a God exists.

its entirely too late for me to be up. I’m listening to my friends band. Laying in bed. thinking… but not really. just zoning. its 243.. i have class in a few hours… I would label this situation as unwise. I need sleep. I ignore these needs. how many other needs are being ignored?

I showed up to an importnat meeting late. A meeting i was leading. what the hell is wrong with me. I hit snooze too many times. i dreamt that i was going about my day… that i woke up… went to this meeting.. all that… only to wake up and look at my clock and realize i was late. bad feelings. I swear we can get up awefully quick if we really want to. my afterburners were on and i was out the door… wiping the sleepies out of my eyes on the way there. not a good image. not a good role model to portray.

Im lacking the motivation to just… OWN. and i want to own. I want to be the best. god. next semester im gonna need to reevaluate whether i can continue living in the apartment. as much as i love the guys… god… i need to be alone. with my thoughts.. with thoughts that are only thinking of me and whats good for me. not the thoughts of others that crowd my best intentions out of the way. i havent thought too much this semester. when i say that i mean that i haven’t thought as much as i would have liked to.

well… him.. im tired. i have many tests.

just to reiterate to myself… if you want to be the best at something… love it.. pour your heart mind and soul into it… and do it a million flippen times. its the only way to be the best. you gotta do it over and over and over and over and over again. until its so natural. until its effortless.

think.. focus.. focusing is not my forte… which is funny since.. when i get focused… i’m good at staying focused… parents and friends call it selective hearing… doctors call it hyperfocusing… whatever its called i don’t care… all i know is i get intense.. i get absorbed and all about it.

i love being all about things… passions.. etc. i love being 1000% behind something. I hate being half assed… half witted… half versed.. half as good.

bed bed bed bed!!

I’m writing to share some of the substance stored away in the reservoir of my subconscious. So tomorrow we’re playing at some coffeehouse. Playing music! Should be fantastic. Loads of fun. My room mates crack me up. Im pretty laid back about this whole ordeal but they’re super stoked and super serious. My room is hotter than hell!

Today was good. I was in a gregarious mood. Witty and couth. I scare myself with the mind games I play on people. I do my best to be blatant so others can laugh along at the absurd propositions I pitch them. Ooo! I went to hot yoga today! The yogo instructor was a babe… but that’s neither here nor there. So yogo… i was a virgin to this whole thing prior to tonight. It was invigorating. They blasted the heat to over a hundred degrees.. I was sweating so profusely that it was dripping into my eyes where it burnedd and blinded me. I thought it’d be all relaxing. Started off with sissy breathing stuff…. then all the sudden.. she wanted to inflict pain upon me and we were performing crazy body twists and bends. It felt good the first five minutes.. then just brutalized me. Thoroughly enjoyable. It was cathartic to say the least… and I’ll return. I felt relieved… stronger and more at peace. Got rid of alot of pent up tension.

Hm… This week will be challenging. I look at it as a challenge. I’ll be enthusiastic about all my work. God willing it gets down. We’ll see… its late… 140am. bed bed!

1. 1836

I have just returned from a party of which i was the life and soul; witty banter flowed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me– but I came away, indeed that dash should be as long as the radii of the earth’s orbit——— wanting to shoot myself.

Check this out… Paste a journal… or link your journals page and watch the fantastic, magical word art appear! It finds the most frequently used words and creates a wonderful little piece of eye candy! DO IT!

I need to stop trying to be profound. There is no profoundity to life. It just is. So. Where I am… I’m not very content. But thats alright. I convinced myself that my behaviors needed to be a certain way- and now I’m not acting on these behaviors. I’m just being impulsive and emotional. Eh. Life. I wish I was strong enough to act on my convictions. no wishing.

I’m in the library.. attempting to study. I’ve been reading blogs from the past five years. It’s pretty interesting… watching yourself grow. I’m exactly who I was five years ago… a little wiser… a little more weathered and experienced. Essentially the same. The same loves, desires, vexations, confusions. I know how to implement these plans better than ever tho. I’ve seen these plans carried out. Whether or not I continue to carry them out is up to me on a daily basis. Soren Kierkegaard has an awesome journal. He’s a phenomenal writer and philosopher.

Why do I like philosophy? I suppose it’s cause I like asking questions. And if you ask enough you begin to deconstruct reality.. and its gets all theoretical. I believe there is an essential base to it all. A place that exists on the other side of my senses. I believe that the space between me and these places is where the magic takes place. Where perceptions conjure wondrous landscapes to play in or horrid chambers of torture. You choose. There is a gift in matching the inside with the outside. It takes practice. Aligning ones will with the external landscape. Not compromising, just being flexible.

****************

I got intoxicated on friday. I use these words because they are broad and therefore allow for a lot of security against judgment. It was weird. There were people getting naked… smoking strange substances that induced the most frightening trips imaginable… only for brief minutes tho. I would watch these people inhale the fumes… and exhale their soul… eyes staring off into space. Their pupils would dilate… their face would become flush and their body would become rigid as they attempted to brace their mind for the most incongruent reality they’ve ever experienced. Bodily function would cease… they would start mumbling… or drool. Its honestly not the most pleasant thing to watch and one would wonder why people would consider partaking in such an affair. Especially after just witnessing them slip into such a stupor.

Anyway… It was fun tho. I didn’t take much of that night too seriously. I just smiled. People would talk… I would smile.. and hug them… and then have fun! My friends and I ventured into the backyard of this old Vermont house where we encountered horsies! It was an interesting night. The moon was near full and the atmosphere was thick with moisture. This caused the moonlight to diffuse into the skyscape- making the wee hours of the night appear like an overcast afternoon. Anyway… we hung out with the horses. (Very large and weird creatures. Especially when you’re drunk and trying to show them the same affection you’d show any pretty girl when you’re drunk). I accidentally touched the electric fence… which sent a jolt through my body. I let out a yelp. We all marveled in our inebriated state at the magnificent sky. So bright! We postulated in our drunken fanaticism that if there ever were a time to be abducted by unearthly beings… this would be it. We then proceeded to shoot off in full stride towards the far end of a field… Arms extended to the sky… screaming… “take me now!” This was short lived however. We forgot that the humidity in the air was caused by a several day downpour- so as we ran, we noticed that each successive stride sent our feet deeper and deeper into the earth… until we were running through very large puddles of mud and water. We quickly retreated.

Our dear host was great. She’s always so nice. Great hugger. Sometimes a little too warm and friendly with the hugs. I only say this because I could see how one too many drinks could lead to a promiscuous affair one could later deeply regret.

This weekend proved to be a regular disappointment. When I say disappointment, I mean, I’m not left feeling anymore fulfilled than when it began. And I usually expect that every weekend should leave me fulfilled to some degree. Especially after the brutal beatings of the mundane weekday routine.

Anyway..