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at the end of the day, we judge what is, not what could be. We are judged by who we are, not what we could’ve been.

Its soo pretty out! I’m in Worcester Massachusetts spending time with the family. My best bro Jamie’s coming up tomorrow to hang out. We’re going into Boston, checking out the splendid urban life as well as some of my potential college prospects.

I’m looking outside and it couldn’t be prettier- blue skies, brilliant sunshine! Write more later!

What is great? I want to be great. My definition of great may not afford me the unconditional support of the masses, but I can still achieve it in my little world. Even better. What is great? Its whatever the public deems it to be. To be great- all we need to do is convince the world we are so.

There are so many famous unknowns in the world. Genius’s of all sorts of skills and trades with striking feats of creativity and accurate and precise thinking.

What makes people great? People make people great. If we can convince others we have what’s great- they think it’s great. Manipulation is what makes you a loser. It’s the opposite of great. Aka any demagogue or dictator who rallied up the masses and later spouted empty promises. No. Great men persuade, but they offer something in return. Something of sustenance. Something that keeps people alive.

If I want to be great- I only need to convince everyone around me that I am a rarity. That I am unique. That I am after their best interest. People are attracted to leaders. Those who know the way, go the way, and show the way. I want to provide people with direction.

Maybe the greatest people only had to convince key people they were great. And this caused a trickle effect. Everyone looked up to someone who looked up to that someone who looked up to that someone. And this reinforced the qualities of great they possessed. Maybe I’ve got it wrong. I only need to convince the people at the top, the people who currently hold the power and attention of the people.

Actions are payment for promises. Great men are men of action.

I like imagination. Imagination is fun. If you hone your skills well enough, you learn how to design and construct an ideal reality- free from illogicality but saturated with idealism.

I think feelings are the end all be all. Achieving feelings the feelings you want requires a bit of logic and reason. The heart and passions run free but that doesn’t mean they know where they’re going. They need to be directed. I am thoroughly convinced that how we feel, and how we feel about how we feel, is the essence of our life and what we call reality. Nothing else matters. The quality of my life, of your life, depends on how you feel about it. Not the facts (as if they’re objective anyway), but pure emotion. Funny things thoughts are. They are the seedling of these emotions. We plant these thought seeds deep in our brain and at just the appropriate times they become triggered and we respond with a feeling. We should be more careful with our thoughts. They are precious.

Knowing this we should choose only the best, only the highest, only the most lofty. Do not stray from reason and logic, but weigh the consequences of the logic. How will this train of thought, these sequence of thoughts, make me feel? Ignore any necessary thoughts. To do this, have goals and objectives. Know what success feels like, know what accomplishing these objectives looks like. Use your imagination. Construct a beautiful chord of thoughts and weave them together into a coherent dream. This dream is your future. Act as if it is already yours. It will be a struggle at first. Your mind always wants to find a balance. Its pains to grow and become something it is not. Press on. You will become your thoughts. Meditate on these thoughts. Play with them. Be the person you wish to be. Take no shortcuts. Saturate your soul with the feelings accompanying this desire. Act on every opportunity to actualize this desire and bring it closer to fruition.

Your thoughts are all you are. You, as a person, as a personality, are nothing more than your thoughts. Cherish this notion. Make use of it.

Choose your thoughts. Construct your world. Free yourself from the restraints, the limiting beliefs, the negativity, the weeds of confusion and doubt and worry. Cut off these weights and lift your head up high. Breath deep and take on the world. Charge after your desires. Act as if. This is your world. Perfection is attainable. Decide how you want to be. Decide you are capable. Always persist.

If you want to grow, do not change what thoughts you meditate on. Choose to change how you think about them.

Our thoughts are equations. Rewrite these equations. Pursue a more desirable output. Change the way you interpret your senses. Change the way you mull over information, the way you perceive truth, reason, the world around you.

Do not let anyone or anything take you down. You must look for motivation within yourself. You are always capable of choosing your thoughts. We are creatures of habit. Get in the habit of thinking good thoughts. These thoughts will comfort you in challenging times. They will act as reminders of your strength and courage and perseverance. Do not feed the negative thoughts that inhibit and destroy. That make you shirk from greatness. You are great. Be great. No one became successful by thinking they’d fail. You are the only person who decides how right you are. Decide to overcome. Decide to aim high. Decide you will be right.

While serving as a senator on the Student Government Association (SGA), I was exposed to many of the needs and concerns held by students on campus. Living on a small campus with 500 students, one need stuck out in particular. Each year more students were enrolled and study space became more limited as the library and study areas became crowded and more socialized. I saw that a real need existed for students who desired to achieve academic excellence, but were struggling to find quiet places to do so. Looking for opportunities to be a responsive, effective, and efficient leader, I organized the Pro-Action committee as part of the SGA. This group met with students and drew up proposals to advocate changes on behalf of the students. I recognized that the Drake Center for Academic Support (DCAS), a tremendous resource on campus, was being under utilized and created a plan that involved the DCAS and support from volunteer students to extend its operating hours from 9:00 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. The proposal was well received at first, but failed to find a way to find well qualified students that would have the integrity of monitoring the center and its technology, as well as being able to provide academic support through peer mentoring.
At the semester’s close I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa and decided to further develop my leadership skills by becoming actively involved with the society. I became a service officer and contributed to the creation and implementation of a variety of activities and events. The more I became involved the more I saw the power and potential that Phi That Kappa provided. As I became aware of the Phi Theta Kappa hallmarks and ideals, it occurred to my second semester in the spring of 2008 that Phi Theta Kappa would be a prime candidate for providing students to service as Peer Academic Mentors in the DCAS. Not only would Phi Theta Kappa be given an opportunity to develop their members through this program by pursuing a leadership role on campus, they’d be offering their services through scholarship as peer mentors and tutors. The students in Phi Theta Kappa were already achieving excellence in academics as well as character, perfectly suiting the requirements needed for DCAS monitors.
I drew up an initial proposal and submitted it to the Student Government Association as well as Phi Theta Kappa. This time I was met with great enthusiasm and was given permission to meet with the President of the college and the Vice President of Academic affairs to gain their approval and organize the program.
A year after its conception in the fall of 2007, the Phi Theta Kappa Peer Mentor program began effectively monitoring the Drake Center for Academic Achievement three nights a week as of September 2008 and has plans of expanding to five nights a week. Currently we staff three Phi Theta Kappa monitors to extend DCAS hours from 9:00 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. to monitor and upkeep a positive and comfortable work atmosphere. In the spring of 2009 we will be meeting with the President of the college and the Vice President of Academic Affairs to discuss tutoring/ coaching workshops for the Phi Theta Kappa DCAS mentors.
This program has been a success in more ways than I can state here. Because of our college’s extremely small size, growing student population, and remote location in the mountains in Vermont, students are limited to the confines of the campus to seek out suitable study locations. It has genuinely benefited the students that voiced their dire need for additional quiet study locations by providing a place free from distractions where students can retreat from the busy campus and find quiet solace in their studies.
From Phi Theta Kappa’s standpoint, this program has allowed them to fulfill the ideals and hallmarks of service, fellowship, scholarship, and leadership. Since I was elected and assumed presidency of Phi Theta Kappa for the fall of 2008, I have encouraged and watch students step outside themselves and grow as leaders by selflessly committing their time and energy to the program and what it stands for. As for my personal growth, I’ve had an extraordinary opportunity to learn about leading and inspiring people to achieve something positive. I was taught a great deal about how to delegate with superiors and facilitate plans with my peers. From conceiving a vision, to gathering support, to implementing a plan and sticking to it, I have yet to stop learning. Every day has been an opportunity to grow, and for that I am blessed.

Just as we believe that knowledge and understanding is infinite and unending, so I believe that a God exists.

its entirely too late for me to be up. I’m listening to my friends band. Laying in bed. thinking… but not really. just zoning. its 243.. i have class in a few hours… I would label this situation as unwise. I need sleep. I ignore these needs. how many other needs are being ignored?

I showed up to an importnat meeting late. A meeting i was leading. what the hell is wrong with me. I hit snooze too many times. i dreamt that i was going about my day… that i woke up… went to this meeting.. all that… only to wake up and look at my clock and realize i was late. bad feelings. I swear we can get up awefully quick if we really want to. my afterburners were on and i was out the door… wiping the sleepies out of my eyes on the way there. not a good image. not a good role model to portray.

Im lacking the motivation to just… OWN. and i want to own. I want to be the best. god. next semester im gonna need to reevaluate whether i can continue living in the apartment. as much as i love the guys… god… i need to be alone. with my thoughts.. with thoughts that are only thinking of me and whats good for me. not the thoughts of others that crowd my best intentions out of the way. i havent thought too much this semester. when i say that i mean that i haven’t thought as much as i would have liked to.

well… him.. im tired. i have many tests.

just to reiterate to myself… if you want to be the best at something… love it.. pour your heart mind and soul into it… and do it a million flippen times. its the only way to be the best. you gotta do it over and over and over and over and over again. until its so natural. until its effortless.

think.. focus.. focusing is not my forte… which is funny since.. when i get focused… i’m good at staying focused… parents and friends call it selective hearing… doctors call it hyperfocusing… whatever its called i don’t care… all i know is i get intense.. i get absorbed and all about it.

i love being all about things… passions.. etc. i love being 1000% behind something. I hate being half assed… half witted… half versed.. half as good.

bed bed bed bed!!

I’m writing to share some of the substance stored away in the reservoir of my subconscious. So tomorrow we’re playing at some coffeehouse. Playing music! Should be fantastic. Loads of fun. My room mates crack me up. Im pretty laid back about this whole ordeal but they’re super stoked and super serious. My room is hotter than hell!

Today was good. I was in a gregarious mood. Witty and couth. I scare myself with the mind games I play on people. I do my best to be blatant so others can laugh along at the absurd propositions I pitch them. Ooo! I went to hot yoga today! The yogo instructor was a babe… but that’s neither here nor there. So yogo… i was a virgin to this whole thing prior to tonight. It was invigorating. They blasted the heat to over a hundred degrees.. I was sweating so profusely that it was dripping into my eyes where it burnedd and blinded me. I thought it’d be all relaxing. Started off with sissy breathing stuff…. then all the sudden.. she wanted to inflict pain upon me and we were performing crazy body twists and bends. It felt good the first five minutes.. then just brutalized me. Thoroughly enjoyable. It was cathartic to say the least… and I’ll return. I felt relieved… stronger and more at peace. Got rid of alot of pent up tension.

Hm… This week will be challenging. I look at it as a challenge. I’ll be enthusiastic about all my work. God willing it gets down. We’ll see… its late… 140am. bed bed!

1. 1836

I have just returned from a party of which i was the life and soul; witty banter flowed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me– but I came away, indeed that dash should be as long as the radii of the earth’s orbit——— wanting to shoot myself.

Check this out… Paste a journal… or link your journals page and watch the fantastic, magical word art appear! It finds the most frequently used words and creates a wonderful little piece of eye candy! DO IT!

I need to stop trying to be profound. There is no profoundity to life. It just is. So. Where I am… I’m not very content. But thats alright. I convinced myself that my behaviors needed to be a certain way- and now I’m not acting on these behaviors. I’m just being impulsive and emotional. Eh. Life. I wish I was strong enough to act on my convictions. no wishing.

I’m in the library.. attempting to study. I’ve been reading blogs from the past five years. It’s pretty interesting… watching yourself grow. I’m exactly who I was five years ago… a little wiser… a little more weathered and experienced. Essentially the same. The same loves, desires, vexations, confusions. I know how to implement these plans better than ever tho. I’ve seen these plans carried out. Whether or not I continue to carry them out is up to me on a daily basis. Soren Kierkegaard has an awesome journal. He’s a phenomenal writer and philosopher.

Why do I like philosophy? I suppose it’s cause I like asking questions. And if you ask enough you begin to deconstruct reality.. and its gets all theoretical. I believe there is an essential base to it all. A place that exists on the other side of my senses. I believe that the space between me and these places is where the magic takes place. Where perceptions conjure wondrous landscapes to play in or horrid chambers of torture. You choose. There is a gift in matching the inside with the outside. It takes practice. Aligning ones will with the external landscape. Not compromising, just being flexible.

****************

I got intoxicated on friday. I use these words because they are broad and therefore allow for a lot of security against judgment. It was weird. There were people getting naked… smoking strange substances that induced the most frightening trips imaginable… only for brief minutes tho. I would watch these people inhale the fumes… and exhale their soul… eyes staring off into space. Their pupils would dilate… their face would become flush and their body would become rigid as they attempted to brace their mind for the most incongruent reality they’ve ever experienced. Bodily function would cease… they would start mumbling… or drool. Its honestly not the most pleasant thing to watch and one would wonder why people would consider partaking in such an affair. Especially after just witnessing them slip into such a stupor.

Anyway… It was fun tho. I didn’t take much of that night too seriously. I just smiled. People would talk… I would smile.. and hug them… and then have fun! My friends and I ventured into the backyard of this old Vermont house where we encountered horsies! It was an interesting night. The moon was near full and the atmosphere was thick with moisture. This caused the moonlight to diffuse into the skyscape- making the wee hours of the night appear like an overcast afternoon. Anyway… we hung out with the horses. (Very large and weird creatures. Especially when you’re drunk and trying to show them the same affection you’d show any pretty girl when you’re drunk). I accidentally touched the electric fence… which sent a jolt through my body. I let out a yelp. We all marveled in our inebriated state at the magnificent sky. So bright! We postulated in our drunken fanaticism that if there ever were a time to be abducted by unearthly beings… this would be it. We then proceeded to shoot off in full stride towards the far end of a field… Arms extended to the sky… screaming… “take me now!” This was short lived however. We forgot that the humidity in the air was caused by a several day downpour- so as we ran, we noticed that each successive stride sent our feet deeper and deeper into the earth… until we were running through very large puddles of mud and water. We quickly retreated.

Our dear host was great. She’s always so nice. Great hugger. Sometimes a little too warm and friendly with the hugs. I only say this because I could see how one too many drinks could lead to a promiscuous affair one could later deeply regret.

This weekend proved to be a regular disappointment. When I say disappointment, I mean, I’m not left feeling anymore fulfilled than when it began. And I usually expect that every weekend should leave me fulfilled to some degree. Especially after the brutal beatings of the mundane weekday routine.

Anyway..

Life is a wonderful spectrum of never ending anomalies in the summers sad solvency of light.
lifting towwards molten new new found what the gell is ehading mo. for curescnet mothers ja;f the finer butter. water butter folish boffgle wwhatever fiorfe. making. endnes. madk foriveness. forever. here i am for noaught too dawn fod retarded/ incompotent eagle iotoeedtly

Digging yourself out of a hole is a lot harder than digging yourself into a hole.

I like to think my journey is unique. That somehow, someway, my experiences weigh just a little bit more than my neighbors. That my senses and reasoning provide me with a little more feeling and a little sharper analysis than what the world says.

At the end of the day, I am lost. You are lost. We can only save ourselves. Those that do save themselves swallow what they want to and discard the rest unknowingly. Their biasness, their prejudices, all seem reasonable enough. They justify what they want.

This reality is yours, and it is mine. Perception is reality. How will I choose to perceive today? How will this reality play out today?

My feelings seem so much more important. Sometimes I want to be apart of the masses I so often look down on. I want to lose my self of self, and become one. Other times, I want to preserve all that I am- that uniqueness I like to think I have. Ha. Everything is hilarious. The part I like in life… is that I create my life through my thoughts- through my conscious and unconscious perceptions. The awesome thing is, I can share these perceptions with others. I can douse their minds with my reality. I can improve or degrade this wonderful medium we experience time with- you can call it reality, but it’s only as real as you or I make it.

I like to believe that there are black and whites. Where everything is so clear. It can be if I want it to be. That decision, the decision to go this way or that way, makes it black and white.

Is everything clear? I can decide it is, and make it so. Does that make it so? Does that operation make it so? I have a billion opportunities to make it black and white. Do those billion opportunities make it so? or do they delude the clarity?

Speaking of delusion- I feel deluded. Life… life life life.

We are what we repeatedly do. No one can argue that. I promise. No matter your perceptions. Those actions can be interpreted various ways, but the intent of those actions is the deciding factor. I think about people who truly are insane. Who think that beating your kids means that you love them. How those actions translate, and how they are interpreted, well… who knows. If your intent is to hurt them because love hurts, then… shit.

STUDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Malcolm Gladwell- Author of “Blink” and “The Tipping Point” with some awesome words of wisdom.

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Dreary day. I slept in today. It felt good to lay in bed and listen to the pitter patter of the rain. I could feel the soft cool air drift in through the window. It felt good over my warm body. I laid in bed all morning. Thinking. I had a dream last night… it lasted the whole night. It was continuous. I visited wonderful places in the woods, met with people, developed relationships and watched giant bridges and sky scrapers fall. Eventually I had to get up. Everything is far out at the moment. Its at this point of the semester that I forget what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Life is so easy if I just go with the flow and attack the things I want. Why I refrain from these desires is beyond me. I construct imaginary boundaries and limitations all around myself. Knowing they’re there isn’t an answer, although I like to think it is. I’m sitting in my empty economics class. I arrived an hour early to look over my notes before the test. My eyes just glance over material. Meaningggggg whattt the fuccckkkk. Pick yourself up mike. Whaaa. I spread myself tooo thin this semester. but did I? I can handle it. I know I can. This is a joke. All these responsibilities… projects.. deadlines… a JOKE! Academics… A JOKE! I can fly through this stuff. I don’t know what to make of it all.

I have a sizable stack of books sitting on my desk… not course related.. just free time reading. I need to finish these books. I get overwhelmed and become paralyzed. I hate when I talk like this. It makes me feel weak. I need to recondition my self talk. Life is best when you are moving. Action cures fear, cures procrastination. ALLL that disappears if you act. Apply myself to a goal.

I wish I had something important to think about or talk about. I feel like I haven’t challenged myself in a while. I’m looking for some of that. Vermont gets ugly this time of year. Today is rainy… gray as hell. Wet, sloppy, soggy, muddy. All the trees are becoming bare. The rain stripped their last coat of leaves. My days are monotonous. I try escaping by becoming lethargic. I lay around for a few hours here… play guitar for a few hours there. What the hell. I want more. WOWWWWWWWWW.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I need out of vermont. Gosh. I should be content with where I’m at, right? WRONG! I need to get the fuck outta here. Then theres the part of me that says… you need to be happy with where you’re at before you move on. BULL. I have desires… when they aren’t met… there is a dissonance that leaves me unsettled. Thats good feedback. This emotional turmoil is a result of my desires not being met. Aight.. class in 10 min.

regain direction. maintain composure. remain stable.

Got sooo much to do today. Geeze.

I wish I thought more. There are points in my life where I would do anything to think less… and then I arrive at times where I’d do anything to think more. This summer I wish I thought less… right now… I wish to think more.

I want to write… and ramble… but I need to shower… prepare for meetings… finish tests… study… prepare proposals… and write meeting agendas. phooey!

Nothing in life is black and white, although it should be.

I visited some dreams schools the past few days and it seems that these fantasies of mine are slowly fading.

Everything is subjective. I have trouble finding the words to accurately articulate my irresolute feelings- so I hold back. I shouldn’t. I should let it all out. I wish to say what I mean though and so it becomes a challenge to mediate between the two.

I don’t like this ‘undeadjournal’ Halloween theme.

The University of Pennsylvania was beautiful. I felt like everyone looked down on me with disdain. Its not like the crowds of students knew who I was, where I came from, or if I was even a student, but I felt their gaze. Maybe I was projecting the way I would look on outsiders from their point of view. These people are brilliant. They comprised the top of the top. I decided that this was not where I wanted to be.
The next day I traveled to NYC to visit NYU. Beautiful. I could see myself there. The students are diverse and open. The city life is an expensive luxury. We’ll see how it all goes.

People are often unreasonable, illogical,
and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone
could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and some cosmic energy;
It was never between you and them anyway.

If everyone did what the best do- they would be the best.
People do not succeed because they do what everyone else does. They do more. Life isn’t magic. Good things come to those who work hard, have good attitude, and have worthwhile goals. Thats it.

If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. If you’re alright with that then fine. I desire more. From life, from myself, every moment.

At Amherst college. Sick parties. Was pretty surprised when I walked into a common room that looked like a luxury hotel packed with 300+ kids totally hot and wild for more. Typical hit club and pop music blaring as loud as possible. My ears are still ringing. Was drunk. Wasn’t prepared to drink from 6:00pm to 2:00am. I have to admit, its been awhile since I’ve partied like that. Not really prepped and primed. Hellava good time though. The football team had a parent weekend party so I attended with my cousin, who’s a football player, and just conversed with drunk parents. They all wore their best faces that evening. Glowing with pride for their kids. Polos and Gucci. Totally inebriated.

This world is insane. I can’t grasp it all. Everything I think and everything I read overwhelms me with thought.

I’m reading Sartre. I’m also reading Kierkegaard. Everytime I read philosophy one of two things happen. I either… become totally nihilistic… or… I find a thread of singularity that helps justify the rationale I use to create sense out of the absurd madness. Meaning. Its so damn hard to grasp.

When I feel stable and secure in my reason… or when I arrive somewhere secure and relatively safe from the clutches of doubt and cynicism.. I find consistencies that pervade all the philosophies and explain much of the confusion I experience. Typing it all out here would require several volumes worth of writing to explain.

Something I find myself fighting against is meaning. I am often left believing that all is inherently meaningless; that any meaning I discover is simply manufactured by my consciousness- And that does not constitute meaning. As far as I’m concerned… there is truth… and there is meaning. You can have truth without meaning… but you cannot have meaning without truth. This seems contradictory. How can something be true unless it has a value? I think meaning is denoted when we decide what that value is- whether it is positive or negative. Truth is objective… but it does not provide or point to meaning. That we leave to our individual judgment.

Existentialism is interesting. I think I accidentally act like an existentialist- Existence precedes essence. I think like a Cartesian- Essence precedes existence or I think, therefore I am. I wonder how much free will the Cartesian philosophy allows. I know Descartes believed in a soul… in a human nature… presumably the essence we’re talking about. That almost makes it seem like there are restraints to the freedom man has. That as his essence he is before he exists. That there is meaning before he exists. That there are values before he exists. Maybe these values are there but through our existence they become meaningful.
Existentialists believe that they dictate meaning… they are ultimately responsible for their reality. They are without excuse for being one way or another. Their meaning is directly responsible for who or what they are. I think. I know that existentialism is a closely related to the notion of humanism. Why? I sorta forget. I often associate cartesian philosophy with humanism… that I can think and therefore be whatever I want. Gosh. so confusing. Need to read and think more.

All I know is that we choose meaning. We also choose our truth. Or we acknowledge it anyway. Whether that truth is meaningful or not we won’t know until we act or experience it. The results matter. How to measure results? Shit if I know. I doubt its measurable. I doubt its static.

I know that if you want something.. if you want to achieve… all you need to do is DECIDE what you want… Develop a burning, unextinguishable passion/desire that motivates you to actualize this desire… and Ignore anything that would prevent you from achieving it. This means… totally cutting yourself off from any conflicting philosophies and seeing past any obstacles so that they appear as temporary challenges. Dedicate your thoughts to this desire… allowing your mind to visualize, create or play with the desire all day long. Also… apply FAITH that is will be achieved. Faith promotes patience… hope.. and an additional list of maxims that are necessary from actualizing that which does not exist. Such as success.